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   Driving - Spoof Review  

Unforgivable Sim?
by Derek 'Roku' Cavin

BATTLE SYSTEM
Forbidden
INTERACTION
ORIGINALITY
STORY
MUSIC & SOUND
VISUALS
CHALLENGE
Mild Bacon Trees
COMPLETION TIME
Potato - Meatballs
OVERALL

1.5/5

Rating definitions 

   Well now, wasn't I surprised when I found out we had expanded our coverage to game like Pokemon Snap and that new Driving Sim? I wouldn't be caught dead playing Pokemon Snap...in public at least...but I had to try out the Driving Sim and see what the fuss was all about. I mean, come on, most teenagers fight their parents for the right and thrill to drive all the time. Does it live up to the hype? Follow me into the depths of this review and we'll find out...together.

   The first thing that shocked me was how big and expensive they were. The GBA weights in at less than a pound, but the Driving Sims are supposed to be as much as a ton? And they claim they're portable? What a joke. I mean, they weigh almost as much as the Xbox! Luckily, the steering wheel is a bit smaller than the standard Xbox controller, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, standard models were in the $10,000s while deluxe models were in the $100,000s. Rip-off. I'm not paying that much for a game. I could buy like, an army of games for that. So I packed up and walked next door to the used store. There I found a much more reasonably priced model. Then began the first battle.

Caption Wow, look at those graphics!

   The battle was fierce. I wanted green, but they said they were out and kept going to a character called a pit boss to change the price. I had to wonder if this was setting up some kind of future event or storyline, but it didn't amount to anything. Too bad. Maybe it was a sidequest I missed or something. Who knows? Anyway, the battle was fierce, but it was worth it as I saved a bit of money. Didn't get the color I wanted though. Bummer. I was hoping all battles would be like this, but you won't believe this. It turns out that using Driving Sims to fight each other is forbidden by law! You'd think they would've had more foresight when designing a game that's that expensive. I mean, come on.

   With the game finally in my hands, I fired it up and attempted to start a new game. It was used, so the miles (fancy name for playtime) were already in the 10,000s. I tried to start a new game, but it wouldn't let me. Turns out that's illegal too. Actually, it turns out that a ton of things are illegal when it comes to Driving Sims. Boring.

   I checked the owners manual and I was surprised to find that not only was it about a billion times thicker than for any other game I'd seen, (except maybe Civilization games, those are thick) it was very well localized. Impressive. But then I looked at it more carefully and realized they were just making up words. Ignition? Tune-up? Milage? What was this garbage? I had to dock it a few points for that. I mean, seriously. Well, I fired it up to test the interface. I was surprised at how good it was: all the data readings, such as mph and fuel, were placed in plain sight, but carefully so they wouldn't get in the way of the viewscreen. Sure the play control wasn't as tight as I would've liked it and there were a few blindspots, but the G-force simulator was excellent. This was way better than the kinds you find in the standard arcade. Impressive.

Caption Cars are like...MMORPGs...you have spend money each month to play with them.

   As I sat there in the lot, I admit I was kind of disappointed by the music and sound effects at first. I hit the horn button and it made a convincing noise, but it didn't have much variety. Eventually, I heard a lot of profanity in the background and people telling me to be quiet. That was a pretty nice touch. No wonder they don't let people under 16 play. As I pulled out of the lot, the radio button drowned them out, but the music was really scratchy. Apparently you have to pay even more for these things called CDs that play non-scratchy music. This game's a total ripoff.

   As I brought myself up to speed and was blown away by the graphics! Wow, they were totally life-like! The resolution was excellent; way better than even plasma TVs. Suddenly, the hefty price was beginning to make sense. As I admired the beautiful view, the car started making a funny noise and a red E light came on. The manual said I had to go to a place called the gas station. Was the story starting to take off?

   Unfortunately, I was wrong. It turns out that the pit boss thing was the only bit of story in the entire game! Well, except that there are constant fetch quests for gas. What's worse is that instead of using game money, gas costs real money! Can you believe it!? This is worse than MMORPGs and you can only play it with up to four other people at once. What's worse is only one person can control it at a time. Lame. Sure, some SUV models allow for more players, but they charge a lot more per month and everyone hates them for "polluting the environment." Hey, I wonder if that's another sidequest? I was never able to confirm this though. This game's way too open-ended.

   I finally went home to think over my next course of action, but discovered something major. I did my research on this and it turns out these Driving Sim have been around since the early 1900s, or maybe even longer! Wow, sorry Driving Sim people, but I'm going to have to give you a one in originality. Better luck next time.

   In the end, Driving Sims sadly aren't very much fun as games. In fact, the secondary effect of them magically transporting the user to where they want to go is way more useful than it is fun. Sure it takes forever and there's this annoying thing called "traffic," but it's faster than walking and could really revolutionize the industry. They aren't really worth their hefty pricetag though. But I have good news! I saved a ton of money by switching my car insur...

   ...

   ...

   ...the author was bludgeoned before he could finish that line. See you next week!

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