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Why the Andrews Aren't Updating - Page 2

Something had gone horribly wrong! Vestal had neglected to read the fine print of the Page Maintainer 3000 construction instructions; specifically, the paragraph about 8-track tape players. "Do not use within 100 feet of an 8-track tape player!!" warned the book. "Consequences are unpredictable and extremely dangerous!!" Vestal, tragically, had skipped that paragraph.

Kaufmann's father had an extensive 8-track collection in the next room.

"That yellow and blue sequined jacket...." gasped Vestal. "Those blue bell bottoms ... that untuned guitar with its single chord ... it's ... it's ... it's the Beast From the 70's!"

The Beast From the 70's was wild, unkempt, and deadly. His brain had been sapped by repeated exposure to talentless punk bands. "Die ..." it intoned, "... die ...." It raised its dissonant guitar and prepared to destroy Vestal.

But Vestal would not give up without a fight. He grabbed two nearby drumsticks and formed a crucifix. "In the name of Bill Berry, Larry Mullen Jr., and all that is musically right in this world, away with you, foul beast!" The sticks began to glow with postive musical energy: enough to contain the Beast, but not enough to destroy it. Vestal couldn't hold off the slobbering creature forever....

Quinn awoke suddenly. He was stunned at what he saw: Vestal, mercilessly assaulted by a reject from another decade. Quinn knew he had to act fast, not just for Vestal, but for the entire world. He knew that a moment's hesitation would mean a return to avacado kitchens and afros - the end of civilization as we know it! Then it hit him.

The Big 80's CD he had brought with him! The Thompson Twins, A Flock of Seagulls, and Devo all on a single disc! Only this sheer blast of concentrated 80's musical power stood a chance of combatting the Beast!

"WHIP IT, VESTAL!!" he screamed above the Beast's unholy snarling, tossing the sole hope of humanity across the room. Vestal reached ... fumbled ... the disc slipped to the ground ... but, just barely, he caught it!

Vestal raised the disc above his head triumphantly. "Synthesize this!" he exclaimed, hurling the CD directly at the Beast From the 70's. The disc shattered into thousands of fragments in the air. Each shard entered the body of the creature that was once Kaufmann, embedding itself into the monster's skin and softly glowing.

A transformation occurred ...

Oh my God! This is too incredible! How does it all end!