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Why the Andrews Aren't Updating - Page 1

It was a day like any other in a quiet Dallas suburb. Andrew Vestal was hard at work updating Square Net, eager to provide the latest Square information to Square fans around the globe. Meanwhile, Andrew Kaufmann was playing video games.

"Kaufmann!" shouted Vestal. "You have 372 fanfics in your inbox! Are you ever going to update!?"

"Huh?" said Kaufmann, oblivious. "Sure, I'll get right - dammit, Bowser! Get out of the way! Did you see that? The computer's cheating!"

"Stop playing Mario Kart and update already!" spouted Vestal, furious. But it was no use: Kaufmann was oblivious, glued to the television. He would never update.

Meanwhile, Quinn Baker slept in the shadows, oblivious to all.

"Co-maintainer my arse," mumbled Vestal. "The only thing he's maintaining is my high blood-pressure. There has to be some way to make him uphold his end of the bargain..."

Suddenly, Vestal remembered: the latest Time-Life Do-It-Yourself book had arrived just yesterday! And the subject of the latest tome? "Motivational Enhancers." He rushed to the bookshelves, grabbed the book, and ran off to his secret lab. Once there, he pored over the pages, searching for the proper device. "Painting ... Paper Mach ... aha! Page Maintaining!"

The device was complicated, but Vestal's determination was unflagging. "I'll make that Kaufmann into a page-updating machine!" he cackled. "He'll never waste time with those stupid games again!"

Common household items combined with complex electronics as Vestal tinkered for hours. After a few false starts and botched attempts, he finally got it right.

"BEHOLD!" bellowed Vestal. "The Page Maintainer 3000! One blast from this device and Kaufmann will never want anything but to update the page! His lazy days are gone forever!"

Later that evening, Vestal returned to Kaufmann's house. Kaufmann - as expected - was still playing video games. This made him an easy target. Vestal snuck up behind Kaufmann, set the device to the highest setting, and unleashed the full power directly into Kaufmann's brain.

"Update, damn you!" shouted Vestal. "Update! Update!" Kaufmann gurgled incoherently, his body racked and writhing from the sheer energy coursing through his body.

A transformation occurred ...

I want to know what happens to Kaufmann!