All I Want
Why do we do this to each other?
It seems like every time we're close....so close to a breakthrough....one of us says or does the wrong thing, and we're back where we started. At each other's throats, hurling insults and barbs in an effort to hurt the other the way we're privately hurting inside. Why can't we get past this?
Tonight, we seemed so close....it seemed, for one breathless second, that you were going to say the words I've waited so long to hear. Three deceptively simple words that for now I can only dream of hearing from your mouth. But then....you didn't. You didn't say them. Why? What stopped you? Was it fear? Insecurity? The terrifying, irrational idea that I might not say them back? Or....was it me?
Were you unable to say them because you can't feel that way about me? Because something is wrong with me? I know I'm not perfect....I'll never be gentle and docile, the way I sometimes wonder if that's what you truly want. Even my own father doesn't know what I'm really like. I wonder....is it fear of punishment for my adventures that keeps my true nature hidden from him? Or....is it shame?
I've heard so many times your comments about how strong I am, about how you're afraid of what I can do to you. It's true....I've seen the look in your eyes when I get angry at you. So why, then, do you persist in angering me? I don't understand it....I don't understand you.
You can be so nice sometimes....I remember the way you used to compliment me, like with that necklace that my mother gave me. Every now and then I see flashes of the old Kyle I used to know. I remember how you treated me, all the wonderful memories we made. The way you used to look at me....and the fact that you haven't thrown out those filthy sheets that we shared our first kiss on. It's a disgusting gesture, but nice in a very weird way. As grossed out as I am by those smelly things, it still touches me somewhere deep inside that that moment meant so much to you. You pretend that it's just you being a slob, but I know better.
And yet....you can be so infuriating sometimes. No....make that most of the time. You flirt with every attractive female in sight, in my sight, and don't show the slightest bit of shame for it. You belch and fart and scratch, and I can't believe I ever found you attractive. Goddess, how disgusting. And your thieving ways....oh, what am I going to do with you? You have no manners, you live a less-than-legal lifestyle, you act like....like....like an ignorant slut, as Nall once said. How right he was. And the worst part is that those brainless admirers of yours fall for it. They swoon and sigh and make even bigger fools of themselves than you do sometimes.
But what's really pathetic is that I'm one of them. Oh, I don't act nearly as silly as they do....I'd sooner spare Xenobia's wretched life than act that foolish, especially around you. You get me so irritated that I couldn't possibly behave that way. But then....you'll smile at me a certain way, or stand in the right light, and I'll remember why I found you attractive. You'll say something right for once, and I'll remember why I fell in love with you. And I'll forget why we ever broke up in the first place.
But then you'll open your mouth again, and say the wrong thing, again, and I'll remember exactly why we're not together anymore. And before I can help myself, I'll fire back with a shot of my own, and then we're back to where we were before, all over again.
It's so frustrating....why do you always have to do this? You say and do so many stupid things, that I'm often appalled at myself for falling for you. You have no manners, not the slightest shred of class, no shame, no sense of ethics it seems, and not one scrap of intelligence it so often appears. I've seen you do so many dumb things that I'm not even surprised anymore when you add another one to the list. It's unbelievable, yes, that one person could behave so idiotically, but not unbelievable that the person is you.
And yet....I have to admit I haven't been an angel either. I have such a nasty temper, that I honestly can't blame you for being a little frightened of. And I too sometimes say things without stopping to think of your feelings, though not quite as often. Okay....I don't know about that, you never let me know when or if I've hurt you. I hate to admit it....but I can be as bad as you sometimes.
Like that time in Meryod, when I asked you in exasperation why you couldn't be normal, like sweet Alex, instead of a chauvinistic freakshow. I remember that you never answered me, and I think I know why. I regret why. I really shouldn't have said that. While it's true that you could stand to be a little -- okay, a lot -- less chauvinistic, I still shouldn't have said what I did. I shouldn't have compared you to Alex; that was wrong. Nobody likes to be negatively compared to someone else, no matter who it is. My father told me that once, and I wish dearly that I'd remembered his advice before blurting out a potentially hurtful thing in the heat of the moment. We both were acting wrongly that day.
And what you said tonight....do I really have a bad attitude? You were so angry at me, that I'm almost inclined to believe you, never mind what I actually said to you. I can be rather violent when I get angry, and I say and do things that really aren't ladylike. No wonder I hide my true nature from my father....I'm afraid of what he'd think of me if he knew what I was really like. Wondering what you think of me when I'm at my worst is bad enough. But....but then....it's not like you're perfect either! You have more flaws than good points, and you don't even know how to SPELL hygiene, much less practice it! And the things you say....oooh, you get me so infuriated!
....sigh. There I go again. I've gotten myself all upset at you again, and you haven't even done or said anything. You're just lying there on the floor, sleeping. And not peacefully, though I can't expect you to. Not after our argument, and certainly not with the knowledge of what we're going to do tomorrow hanging on your head. For a moment there tonight, a very brief moment, I saw a glimpse of the serious side of you that I know is in there somewhere. You've been acting so stupidly overconfident, but I can see the fear in your eyes. You have no idea how powerful our foe is....and frankly, neither do I. I think the only one who really knows is Nash, and he isn't saying anything. All he does is mope around and act restless and nervous, without giving any real hint as to what he's thinking. I wonder what's wrong with him?
More importantly, what's wrong with us? You were about to say it tonight, I just know it. So close....and yet so very far. I could see the anxiety in your face, and I know I should have behaved better, more subtly and encouraging, instead of teasing you and provoking you, and letting my anger get the best of me....again. But subtlety isn't a trait I've ever possessed....it never will be. And I can't help my temper....it's as much a part of me as my healing powers, unfortunately. Sometimes I wonder which is the worse foe, Ghaleon or my pride....
Will we ever get past this? Will we ever reach the point where we can be honest and say what's in our hearts, instead of spewing out insults? We know how we feel, that isn't the problem. We know how much the other wants to say what it is we know they want to say, if that sentence even makes any sense. The problem is in actually saying what we want, what we need, to say. I can't seem to get the words out, and neither can you. No matter how deeply we feel, no matter how desperately we need to express our feelings, we can't seem to put aside our irrational fears and foolish pride and just say it. It's so maddening I just want to scream sometimes.
What I really want, though, is just one moment where we don't need words. To just look at each other and just know deep down what the other is feeling. Without sweet words or bitter argument. To just feel the way we feel and not need to say anything to express it. To confess all with one look, and hold each other the way we used to. Before we let so many things tear us apart. To be free, for once, of all those things and just be. The way we were meant to be. We'll never be truly free of the fights and strife, I'm not so unrealistic to wish for that. I just want one moment of freedom from it. That's all I want....from you, and from me.