Here is a collection of funny short stories, each of them telling the story behind an infamous mistranslation from Final Fantasy Tactics. The title, The Duray Papers, on makes fun of the misspelling of Olan's last name in the prologue.
Fire Braceleting Dragon
It was a while since Zalbag last visited Dorter Trade City. Official matters usually kept his busy in the castle, but today was a day off, and he decided to let a load off his mind and spend the day shopping in the street markets at the city. Besides, Almaās birthday was just a week away, and he still didnāt have a present for her.
The street was slightly crowded and many of the people were dressed in ragged clothing, living in decaying houses, and robbing others to stay alive. It was usually these kinds of people that lost their loyalty to the crown, which worried Zalbag because he didnāt bring his sword with him that day.
He came across a merchant with a large amount of jewelry spread out before him, and stopped off to take a look. He reached a hand into his pocket just so he could feel reassured that the gil he had brought was still there. It was.
Zalbag picked up a necklace that was for sale, then put it back, deciding that Alma already had too many necklaces. How about a ring? He also decided no, since the merchant didnāt have any rings that he thought Alma would really like. Maybe another merchant would.
Then, something caught Zalbagās eye. He picked it up. It was a bracelet lined with precious gems, some fire red, others pure as ice, and yet others that had an electrifying yellow glow. He asked the merchant how much it would cost. 5000 gil was the response.
Zalbag, being rich enough, decided he had nothing to lose and paid the 5000 gil. It would make Alma really happy, he thought. He decided it was getting late and he should be back to the castle in time for dinner. He started off.
While walking through Sweegy Woods, Zalbag had a strange feeling that he was being followed. It was probably nothing, he thought, but then again, attacks on nobility were getting more and more common these days. He wished he had a sword with him.
Soon, Zalbag found out what it was that was bothering him. He was in fact followed by a bunch or "tortured thieves" ever since he left the marketplace. They now stood in his path. There were four thieves, three of them armed with knives, and the other holding a dragon on a leash. The thieves saw that Zalbag had no weapons with him, and they decided to take advantage of the situation.
The thieves attacked, shouting threats all the while. Zalbag knew he would be dead if he did not do something quickly. He grabbed a stone from the ground and hurled it at the closest of the attackers.
The stone was large and heavy enough to knock the knife out of the thiefās hand. It fell to the ground and the thief cradled his hand and howled in pain. There were two more thieves right behind him, while the one with the dragon was further back.
Zalbag made a quick jump to one side and grabbed a thiefās arm, ripping the knife out of his hand. He hit the thiefās head with his elbow as he made this move, and he turned around and stabbed the other thief with the knife. He turned back to the thief that he just stole the knife from and hit him again and again, until he fell to the ground. Meanwhile, the thief that he threw the stone at had recovered and was reaching for his knife on the ground. Zalbag turned around just in time to punch the thief in the face. The thief immediately fell back in surprise, giving Zalbag the chance to get to the knife first. He did this and stabbed the thief in the back.
Now there remained just one thief and his dragon. Zalbag grabbed another knife from the ground and threw it. It caught the last thief right in the throat. He had defeated all the thieves, but the dragon still remained. Zalbag turned around and saw that he was being backed into a tree, and he was out of knives. A few small flames were leaking out between the dragonās teeth.
Thinking quickly, Zalbag took the bracelet he bought for Alma out of his pocket and threw it at the dragon. In the confusion, the dragon chomped his jaw down on the bracelet and nearly choked on it, as Zalbag darted by. The dragon turned its head around and saw Zalbag escaping, so it gave chase.
The bracelet was still stuck in the dragonās throat, and the dragon tried to breathe fire, but very little got out past the bracelet. It tried harder and harder, and at last, the fire melted through the bracelet, and the dragon attacked Zalbag with a Fire Bracelet.
Zalbag frantically ran, but the dragon would not let up. It stayed right behind Zalbag every step of the way, spewing out Fire Bracelets. Zalbag didnāt know what would happen first: would he get toasted by a Fire Bracelet, or would he make it back to Igros Castle, where the guards would save him?
In the end, Zalbag got away, but because of this incident, dragons in Ivalice still attack with their deadly Bracelet attacks, and Zalbag still owes Alma a birthday gift.
A Rich Summoned Monster
"Death song, death door, death river awaiting! Lich!" shouted the summoner who called Lich to her aid. Lich came out of nowhere and crippled the attacking forces.
"Death song, death door, death river awaiting! Lich!" shouted another summoner who called Lich to his aid. The battle would have to be won, and Lich could just to that for him. The battle raged on.
"Death song, death door, death river awaiting! Lich!" shouted another summoner later in the battle, and Lich once again appeared and fought for the summoner who summoned him. Heavy casualties had befallen upon both sides, but neither side would relent, and the longer the battle raged, the more the troops depended upon their summoned monsters.
"Death song, death door, death river awaiting! Lich!" was shouted again, and Lich impatiently lumbered back into the battle. He was sick of fighting for whoever would use the MP to call him, and he really hated the idea of work without pay. He decided it would be time for a change.
After the battle was over, Lich sent out a message to all summoners throughout Ivalice: he would now be charging them 5000 gil for his service. He figured it was a reasonable price, since he was putting his own life on the line each time he fought in battle.
As the 50-Year War continued, Lich found that summoners, however poor, could not afford to go without his services. Many summoned him despite the high price. 5000 gil came into his hands time after time, and soon, he had more money than the richest nobles in Ivalice and in Ordallia.
Then one day, after a particularly long and gruesome battle in which he was summoned more times than he could possibly imagine, he proclaimed to everyone around him, "Iām Rich now!"
The Archer and his Wildbow
During the 50-Year War in Ivalice there lived a nasty old witch who sympathized for Ordallia and planned to infiltrate the government of Ivalice. This witch had powers beyond those of normal magic users and constantly worked on powerful new spells that could have devastating effects.
She decided to start her evil plan by enrolling in the army of Ivalice. She chose to join a unit under the leadership of the great military leader Cidolfas Orlandu. The famous Thunder God Cid, she decided, was a target that would need to be destroyed if Ordallia was to have any chance of winning the war.
In Cidās regiment, the witch planned on going into an important battle and turning on Cid, which would in turn give Ordallia a large advantage. She knew that even with the element of surprise on her side, she would need something extremely powerful to defeat the mighty Orlandu. She worked on a new spell.
Mixing a repulsive concoction in a vat, she created a vile liquid. She dipped a wooden staff into it, and upon taking it out, chanted an incantation. She held the staff high above her head and said some more gibberish. Soon, the staff was complete, and she knew that if the spell worked right, she would be able to shoot a beam from the staff that would turn anything into a pig. Soon, if everything went well, the Thunder God Cid would be nothing more than a wild boar roaming out on the plains.
The witch tested the staff on the first object she came across, a book. She pointed the staff in the direction of the book that was sitting on her shelf and spoke some words. A beam of pure magic shot forth, and sure enough, a pig was sitting on the shelf where the book once was. The witch decided it was going to be all too easy.
The first battle for Cidās regiment after the witch enrolled was not too long after. The Ordallians attacked in an open field, and it would be a match of might. Ivalice, with the leadership of Orlandu, could not lose. It if werenāt for the witch, that is.
Orlandu split up his unit into three groups, and the witch wound up on the opposite side of the battlefield. She cursed her luck. She did not want to have to shoot from a distance, but she did not want to lose her cover either. She complied without any resistance and took up fighting position.
The battle started with a bang, dead bodies scattered all over the place and general confusion. Cid, alone, knocked out large rows of enemy soldiers with his Holy Explosions. The witch saw this happening and knew she had to act fast. She stayed in the back rows to avoid having to fight, and she slowly made her way towards Cid. Everyone was too busy fighting to notice her moving across the battlefield.
By the time she made her way within 50 feet of Cidolfas, the Thunder God was standing atop a hill shouting orders to his troops. All around her, fighting was taking place, and she could not avoid having to defend herself. However, she did not wish to kill an Ordallian, so she attacked those troops of the regiment she was infiltrating.
Seeing this, a knight shouted "What are you doing?!" and hurriedly tried to think of what to do. He was not yet sure if she was defecting to the enemy, but he didnāt seem to have much of a choice but to attack her.
The witch saw that she was discovered, so she quickly raised her staff and pointed it at Orlandu, who still hadnāt noticed. The knight made a dive at her feet, knocking her over just in time, her shot having gone straight up without hitting anything. On the ground, the witch pointed her staff up at the knight, who was now on top of her and preparing to strike a deathblow. Within an instant, she was pinned on the ground by a fat pig, which used to be a knight.
This drew much attention to her, and Orlandu had noticed that she was no longer on his side. She got up quickly and tried to hit Orlandu right then and there, but the Thunder God Cid was fortunate enough to have an archer nearby who was willing to sacrifice himself to save Cid.
The shot screamed in Orlanduās direction, but the archer leaped in front of it, prepared to take the hit. When the archer landed, he felt a great weight upon him, looked down, and was surprised to find that he was still a human. There was, however, a pig on top of him. He reached for his weapon, but it was no longer there. He realized that the shot must have hit his bow, not him. There was a Wildbow on top of him.
Now it was too late for the witch. Orlandu was already prepared to fry her, and you can probably guess what happened next. However, many years later, when Ramza Beoulve decided to breed some Uribos, he eventually wound up with a litter of Wildbows.
Dycedargās Elder Brother>P
"Twins?!" asked Balbanes in surprise.
"Fraternal twins," said the doctor. "They wonāt be identical. It just means that they are both growing inside her at the same time."
"Are they both boys?" asked Balbanes.
"Yes," said the doctor.
Balbanes looked at his wife on the bed. She was sweating bullets. He thought about the babies he was about to have. Two boys, he thought. And we donāt even have names for them yet.
Mrs. Beoulve moaned in agony. She never imagined giving birth would be quite so painful. The doctors gathered around her and told her to breathe quickly. The baby was coming out.
Balbanes got a glimpse of his first son just as his head was starting to emerge. He tried to get a closer view, but the crowd of doctors was blocking his way. He stepped back and gave the doctors some space.
Just a few seconds later, the baby came out, and all the doctors were saying things like, "Isnāt he beautiful?" They gave Balbanes a look at his son, and his face instantly lit up. He bent over and kissed his wife after he had a good look at his baby.
"Heāll be a great Beoulve," he said as the doctors took the baby to get him washed off. But then Mrs. Beoulve felt another contraction, and some doctors quickly crowded around her again. Balbanes backed off, and the doctors prepared to receive the second baby.
It was a few minutes later that both babies were out and Balbanes looked at his wife, lying on the hospital bed, a wide smile on her face. Balbanes kissed her again. "This is great," he said. "Weāre parents now. The Beoulve name will live on. Weāll be one great happy family."
Mrs. Beoulve smiled, and they continued talking about their future. They still did not decide on names yet, but then Balbanes had an idea. "Letās call the younger one Dycedarg," he said.
"Dycedarg?" said Mrs. Beoulve.
"Dycedarg. Donāt you think itās a good name?"
"Yes, I really do think so," said Mrs. Beoulve. "It sounds elegant and noble."
The conversation was interrupted when a doctor came through the door into their room to report bad news. "Thereās no easy way to tell you this, Mr. and Mrs. Beoulve, but the younger oneās not going to make it. His heart isnāt fully developed. We canāt do anything about it."
Both parentsā faces turned to tears upon hearing this. They could not believe what they heard, but it was true. "Iām sorry," said the doctor, and quietly left the room, leaving the Beoulves crying through the day.
Eventually, the elder brother was given the name Dycedarg. For this reason, 39 years later inside Igros Castle, Ramza has the daunting task of defeating Dycedargās elder brother, also named Dycedarg.
In the darkness of Yuguo Woods at night stood a lone warlock, evil deeds on his mind. It was well known that few who ventured into Yuguo Woods made it out alive, and so the warlock thought it was the perfect spot to conduct his experiment. He would definitely need a lot of dead bodies.
The warlock found the perfect spot. It was a clearing littered with dead bodies. The outlaws who killed visitors in the forest liked to throw all their victimsā bodies in a small area. The warlock stood perched over one body which he decided once carried a strong soul. He would try the experiment on one body, then the rest if the first attempt was successful.
The warlock carried a magical book. It was filled with strange incantations, many of which had yet to be fully explored. He examined its contents, flipping through the pages, looking for a particular spell which he wished to try out. He found the page and looked at the ancient scriptures written on the page. He prepared to restore a soul to its dead body.
The particular spell which he was using had one specific condition: there must be no wind when it was to be cast. If there was to be much wind, then the soul could not return to the body. The warlock felt that there was little wind that night, and that what wind there was came broken, a small breeze every few minutes. He thought he should be able to get by with the spell between winds.
The warlock began the incantation by summoning the spirit which was to be returned to the body. "Tuqt spyryt, rutuln ot txys p,qsu wxuru oour roto ruspqs," he said in the strange ancient language. A small hovering ghost appeared in front of him. The warlock succeeded in the first part of the spell, but now he would have to join the spirit with the dead body.
The warlock continued his incantation, "Ruzoyn wytx oour roto nom, qs mo piwur q,ows yt." He had not yet finished with his incantation when he was interrupted by a slight breeze. He quivered. The wind, apparently, was not strong enough to disrupt his spell, so he continued. "Oour sou, pow wy, suqsu ot sontinuu yts nomqtyc uxystunsu·"
The warlock was about to finish his incantation when the breeze came again, only this time, it was slightly stronger. It still was not enough to discontinue the spell, but it was enough to scare the warlock. He decided he would finish his incantation to bring all the souls back to their bodies all at once, while he had the chance. He quickly recited the first part of the incantation, and he was soon surrounded by a crowd of ghosts.
The warlock began to recite the final lines of the spell, which, upon completion, would unite all the ghosts with their bodies. "Q,l sqi, ru vruu·"
At that moment, a strong gust of wind swept through the forest, catching the warlock completely by surprise. He jumped up in shock and began to run out of the forest, but it was too late. The wind had disrupted the spell, and now the spirits would forever remain floating nomads, and they had the warlock to blame. They chased him easily, since they all had the power to teleport. The warlock was quickly killed by undead forces that sent the warlockās soul to live amongst those it had cursed in the forest.
Nowadays, because of this frightening incident, gusts live in Yuguo Woods. They haunt all people who pass by, and so anyone traveling through the region is strongly advised to carry many phoenix downs.
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