Midlife Crisis

by Isaac S.

Sephiroth stared at the TV in front of him, totally uninterested. Ever since he had nearly destroyed the world with Meteor, there was nothing good on TV anymore. He stood to his feet and swung Masamune around a few times, chopping some of Ifalna^s plants by accident. Ifalna. Maybe it had been a mistake to marry her. At first they were giddy newlyweds. Ifalna had been captivated by his good looks and she always told him how cute he looked when he used his godlike powers to turn into the One Winged Angel. But lately, she had been acting cold, and distant. At that moment she stuck her head in the doorway and smiled half-heartedly.

"Your dinner's ready, Seph."

Sephiroth frowned. "I asked you not to call me that, dear. 'Seph' is not a fitting name for the ruler of the planet."

Ifalna sighed and rolled here eyes. "Ok, SEPHIROTH, your dinner is ready."

He strode into the kitchen and slid Masamune into its scabbard, accidentally slicing a gash in the ceiling in the process.

Ifalna put her hands on her hips as glared as Sephiroth sat down to eat his steak. "Sephiroth, I've asked you not to swing that thing around in here! The neighbors will think something's wrong."

Sephiroth ignored her and stabbed at his steak with the knife, imagining it was that annoying Cloud's head. "Haha, take this, you worm," he chuckled to himself as he took a bite and chewed thoughtfully. Looking up, he saw his thirteen year old son, Argorath, staring at him, that cocky look on his face again. "What are you DOING, Dad?"

Sephiroth stood out of his chair, knocking it to the ground and stretched out his arms at his sides, his head tilted upwards. "I am becoming one with the steak," he said ominously, his eyes glittering.

Argorath snorted disdainfully. "Dad, you really need to knock off with the crazed villain crap and become a productive member of society. Stop living vicariously through me and start a career or something. At least stop embarrassing me when my friends come over." He shook his head as if disgusted with a rude child and walked away.

Damn kid, Sephiroth thought to himself as he chewed his steak. Kids. What do they know anyway? Embarrassing indeed! He scowled into his plate.

"Honey," Ifalna said, her hands still on her hips, "Argorath is having trouble in school, and I think we need to do something about it.

"Trouble in school?!" Sephiroth sputtered incredulously. "OUR son?"

"He brought home a D minus yesterday. That isn't fitting for the son of the ruler of the planet."

"Of course it's not!" Sephiroth shouted. "I'll go with him tomorrow and see what the problem is."

Ifalna turned her head away and began chopping some lettuce. "Our DAUGHTER would never have had problems in school," she said quietly.

Sephiroth groaned and rolled his eyes. "Oh you always have to bring THAT into it don^t you, as if it's MY fault or something!"

Ifalna rounded on him angrily. "It IS your fault! You killed her after all!"

Sephiroth sighed. "I've explained this before, dear. I had to kill her, or I could never have gotten this great job I have now! You'd still be living in poverty with that Gast fellow."

"Yes I know dear," she said exasperatedly, "but still, you could have found some other way, I'm sure."

"Enough, woman. The time is now!"

"What was that?"

Sephiroth shook his head to clear it. "Sorry, dear, you know how that happens sometimes."

"Sephiroth," Ifalna said grimly, "I think we need to see a marriage counselor."

"A marriage counselor!" He leaped to his feet and pulled out Masamune, then slashed the table in two.

"Good God, Seph!" Ifalna shouted. "You see? We're seeing Dr. Bugenhagen tomorrow."

"Oh, God, not him," Sephiroth muttered. "Anyone but him."

"There IS no one but him," Ifalna said angrily. "The only other doctors in the world died when you had to bring Meteor in, remember?"

"You love to dredge up old gripes, don't you," Sephiroth muttered as he made his way toward the stairs. "Fine. We'll go see the old freak tomorrow. Now goodnight."

The next day, Sephiroth sat in the driver's seat of his Shinra Model 7, with Argorath in the back seat.

"I'm going to go in with you today," Sephiroth said casually. "To see what's making you get the less than perfect grades."

Argorath groaned. "Dad, I'm fine, really. Please don't come in with me."

"I will go in with you," he maintained.

And so they arrived at the school. As they walked in the doors, one of the kids pointed at Argorath and laughed. "Hey, Sephi-boy," he sneered, "Maybe I'll put the OMNISLASH on you at gym class today." The kid next to him snickered. "Good one, Moe."

Sephiroth glared at the kid and moved on. They moved into the main classroom and Sephiroth leaned over his son's shoulder as he studied the geography book. "Look at that," he whispered, pointing to a map of the world Pre-Meteor.

"At what?" Argorath sighed.

"At that which adds to the knowledge of--" Suddenly he was cut of by a wave of laughter from the kids. One of the kids, Moe, was standing up near the teacher's desk, hugging the classroom globe and grinning. "Hey look, Seph, I'm becoming one with the planet!"

Sephiroth's eyes blazed. "You little punk! Pale Horse!" A beam of blue energy shot from his hand and struck the kid in the chest. The kid screamed and was suddenly a tiny frog, leaping about confused, and crashed through the window.

"Mwuahahahaaah!" Sephiroth laughed maniacally, his old nature returning. "I am the chosen one! Mwuahahaha!"

"What is this?!" the teacher shrieked. "Get out, Mr. Sephiroth! Get out of this building at once!"

Sephiroth lowered his hands, muttering, and turned to leave. "Alright, alright, I'm going. Stupid second rate institution. Hmph." He left the school and returned home, grumbling all the way.

He banged open the front door and flopped onto the couch, glaring.

"How did it go, dear?" Ifalna asked, returning from her cooking.

Sephiroth grunted. "I Pale Horsed one of the kids there. Stupid punk, making fun of me and all."

Ifalna sighed, but said nothing. A moment later, she walked over and looked down at him. "Jenova called today, dear."

"Oh lovely. What does the old bag want now?"

"Sephiroth!" Ifalna said, scandalized. "That is no way to talk about your mother! She wanted to tell us that the reunion is this weekend. At Mideel this year."

"God, I hate family reunions," Sephiroth muttered. "Mother's so damn manipulative. Why, last year she managed to trick me into driving all the way from the camp site to town just to get her a shower cap and some peanuts!"

"Sephiroth," Ifalna warned with a dangerous tone in her voice.

"Fine," he sighed. "I'll call her back later."

"Good. By the way, Mr. Kefka invited us to his barbecue at his house tonight. I think we should go. We need to be more neighborly."

"Ohhh no, now you're going too far. Don't you remember last time? Him and me don't get along all that well."

"Yes I remember," she replied dryly. "You Supernovad his house and he nearly killed Argorath with a Goner. That's why I think you should go. To make up."



"No! I'm not going."

Ifalna sighed and threw up her hands. "Fine, dear. Do what you want. I'm--" Suddenly a loud rumbling cut her off. "W-what was that?" she said, her eyes wide.

"I don't like the sound of that," Sephiroth muttered as another rumble shook the house. "I've heard this noise all too many times before."

"What is it, Dear?"

"It's the noise of the author getting bored."


"Yes. The author is getting tired of writing this."

Another tremor, and a deep fissure opened up in the floor.

"Sephiroth! What's happening?!" Ifalna screamed.

"Yes. It's another unfinished fanfic."

As he spoke, a cosmic explosion shattered the universe and everything ceased to exist. In the absolute nothingness, his words echoed.

"It's another unfinished fanfic."