A Few Moments of Unnecessary Violence

by Uncle Pervy


"About time you two got here!" exclaims an old man sitting on the edge of his porch. He is of average height and thin as a scarecrow, with wild hair the color of snow and a face covered with loose, heavily wrinkled skin. "That new president's talking to the Captain!"

Two old men approach their equally aged neighbor, who is watching a scene playing out a few yards away. Standing in front of a small house across the way from the old man's home is young man in a white suit, flanked by a couple of blue-uniformed soldiers. Just outside the front door is a man in a blue pilot's uniform, speaking with him.

"Shaddup, you old goat!" snaps the stringy-haired old man with a gruff grtavelly voice, sharp features and a severe face, who stands on the right of the elderly pair.

"Gimme some damned respect, you damned geezer!" Old Goat answers, "I'm the one who put that damned rocket back there together!"

"We all put that rocket together," Geezer counters. "And you installed that oxygen tank that made Shera mess up the whole damned launch!"

"I don't remember, who's the new president?" asks the other old man, who is bald with bushy eyebrows and a thick mustache. He speaks with a deep, wheezy voice.

"It's old Shinra's boy, Rufus, you fogey!" Old Goat snaps.

"Hey, they're talkin' about somethin'," Fogey points out. Old Goat and Geezer quiet down and pay attention.

"I want to borrow the Tiny Bronco." The suited man, President Rufus, says calmly, "We're going after Sephiroth. But it seems like we've been going in the wrong direction. But now, we think we know where he's headed. But, we have to cross the ocean. That's why we want your plane…"

"Dammit!" The blue-uniformed pilot, the Captain, exclaims, "First the Airship, then the Rocket, and now, the Tiny Bronco. Shinra took outer space away from me and now you want to take the sky away from me too!?"

"Tell ‘em off!" Old Goat shouts

"Oh my…" Rufus replies, ignoring Old Goat. "You seem to forget it was because of Shinra, Inc. that you were able to fly in the first place."

"What!?" The Captain shouts. He stands there for a moment in stunned silence, then suddenly leaps at Rufus, screaming "That's it, bitch! I'll kill you!"

"Tear his head off!" Old Goat shouts, leaping up from his seat on the porch.

"Bet you twenty gil that the Captain'll let him live," Fogey says to Geezer.

"Deal," Geezer answers.

The Captain bears down on Rufus, raining blow after blow upon the younger man's face and screaming dozens of obscenities, while Rufus tries to block feebly. A swift kick to the head from of one of Rufus' guards dislodges the Captain from his perch astride the President's chest.

"Bastard!" Old Goat shouts, distracting the guard long enough for the Captain to kick out and catch the guard in the knee. The guard falls, wailing in agony as he clutches his leg. Rufus sits up, and scampers away from the Captain, then leaps to his feet about the same time as his adversary.

"Hey," Fogey says, "Someone's in the Captain's backyard!" Geezer and Old Goat glance over to see an overweight man in an ugly brown suit tumble off the garishly colored plane parked there


"That's... Bossman?!" Geezer exclaims. "He's trying to steal the Captain's plane?"

"That spiky-headed punk should give ‘em a run for his money!" Old Goat says, cackling as he finishes, and points to a man in his early twenties with yellow hair and a huge sword.

"Hundred gil says that Palmer'll give ‘im and those two lovely ladies with ‘im a hard time," Fogey counters.

"That lard ass?!" Old Goat snorts, "Ha! I'll take that bet"

Fogey smiles, then grimaces as he looks back to the Captain just in time to see Rufus connect an uppercut with the Captain's jaw, then follows with a jab to his stomach. The wounded guard is casting a spell, while another is trying to aim his gun at the Captain. The latter's efforts are fouled by Rufus, who is too close to the Captain to risk firing any bullets.

A flash of bright light catches the trio's attention, as Palmer fires a pistol that shoots multicolored lightning at the spiky-headed kid!

"Hundred gil," Fogey says to Old Goat, holding out his hand.

"Dammit!" Old Goat curses, digging a coin worth one hundred gil from his pocket, and tossing to Fogey.

"Hey, he's cheating!" Geezer exclaims irritably, pointing to the wounded guard as the Cure spell he cast takes effect, and he starts to stand up.

"Rotten bastard!" Old Goat shouts, spitting on the ground, then cheering as the Captain headbutts Rufus.

"Rip his head off!" Fogey cries, while pocketing his winnings. Rufus staggers from the blow, but the recently recovered guard steps in and punches the Captain in the jaw. Rufus recovers from the headbutt, and hits the Captain with a haymaker that nearly doubles him over!

"Hey!" Old Goat shouts, "You cheatin' dog!" The old man stoops down and picks up a palm-sized stone from the ground, then tosses it at the two men from Shinra. It bounces off the guard's helmet. The guard glances over at the three men on the porch, and fails to see the Captain level a swift kick to his midsection!

Fogey and Geezer laugh loudly as the guard falls, while Old Goat swears. "I was aimin' for the damned President!" he says.

Rufus and the Captain watch each other carefully, bleeding from scratches and cuts and bloodied noses. They circle and wait for each other make a move.

"That other guard's running off," Geezer points out, "Wonder what he's up to?"

"I'll bet he's up to no good," Fogey says, "doesn't look bright enough to just run when he's outmatched."

Rufus strikes first, aiming a swift jab at the Captain's eye. It connects, but the pilot takes the hit and rushes forward, tackling the President. They both fall hard to the ground, and roll for a few moments around as the Captain tries to pin Rufus. The president manages to slip out of the pilot's hold, throwing the Captain aside. The Captain kicks out at Rufus and strikes his leg. Rufus rolls away, yelping in pain, and tries to get back to his feet.

"Find me another damn rock!" Old Goat says, searching the ground for another stone.

"Hey, get back on the porch," Fogey wheezes, "b'fore you get run over!"

"What!?" Old Goat demands.

"Truck!" Geezer shouts.

Both Rufus and the Captain hear him, and look over in time to see a delivery truck emblazoned with the Shinra logo barreling toward them! They leap to their feet as one and dive out of the way of the speeding vehicle.

It veers toward the Captain, but the pilot is too nimble for the truck to turn in time to ram him. Instead, it careens through the fence around the Captain's back yard. A brown-suited Shinra employee flies into the other side of the fence following a loud thump!

"President Rufus, sir!" the runaway guard calls as he leaps out from the driver's seat, "Get in! We have to get out of here!"

"Eh, heh, heh, he!" Old Goat cackles from the safety of the porch, "Sent Palmer flyin' like a damned goose!"

"A damned fat goose," Geezer amends.

"Hey!" Fogey exclaims, while his companions are busy mocking the airborne Palmer, "That spiky-headed kid's runnin' off with the Tiny Bronco!"

"What!?" Geezer and Old Goat exclaim as one. They turn their attention to the Captain's backyard yard again in time to see the pink and blue airplane lift off and shoot toward the leaning rocket in the distance! It loops around the rusted hulk, and flies back toward them!

Rufus and the Captain have gotten back to their feet after nearly being run over, as well as the blue-uniformed guard whom the Captain incapacitated earlier. Rufus runs a hand through his hair, then looks toward the rocket in time to see the Tiny Bronco strafe towards him!

It swoops no more than a couple of yards over the group. The guards begin to fire at it, while the Captain shouts, "Hey!" at the top of his lungs and dashes toward his beloved plane! It dives down lower, until it is only a couple of feet above the ground.

More shots ring out, as the guards take aim at the airplane, as well as the Captain.

"Shouldn't we do something to help the Captain?" Fogey asks.

"Like what?" Old Goat snaps, "Jump in front of their guns?"

"Are there any more of those rocks?" Geezer asks.

"I ain't tossing rocks at anyone with a damn gun!" Old Goat declares.

"You did a minute ago!" Geezer counters.

"I was aiming at that bastard Rufus!" Old Goat argues.

"You oughta keep it down," Fogey suggests, "He'll probably hear you."

Old Goat reluctantly takes that advice, and the trio turn their attention back to the Tiny Bronco. It is now a large speck on the horizon, but a trail of smoke swirls out from the tail.

"It's been hit," Rufus says, looking into the distance, "But they have escaped us for now. It seems that we shall have to take the long way. We need to hurry if we're going to catch Sephiroth."

"What about those three, sir?" The Guard who fought alongside Rufus asks, pointing to the three old men. Immediately, Old Goat, Geezer and Fogey begin to talk as one, their words serving only to muddle each other's message.

"We have no time for petty things like them," Rufus replies, fixing a cold gaze on all three. Old Goat answers with an angry glare, while Geezer returns Rufus' chilly stare and Fogey watches the truck driver. "Time has already punished then quite severely as it is."

The President and his men hurry into the truck and dive away, tearing the hole in the Captain's fence even wider. Fogey, Geezer, and Old Goat watch in silence as the Shinra leave. Then Geezer speaks up.

"I thought Sephiroth was dead! All the papers made a big deal about it."

"You owe me three hundred gil," Fogey interjects, "I told you he was too tough to die."

"Dammit," Geezer grumbles,

"And twenty for the Captain not killing Rufus," Fogey adds.

Geezer grumbles under his breath as he hands over all the money in his pockets, muttering, "I'll pay you the rest later."

"Well, what're we gonna now?" Old Goat asks.

"I'll buy you guys some drinks with your money," Fogey answers, "Then I'm off to the Gold Saucer. I'm gonna win enough money off Dio's speedo-wearin' butt to launch that rocket myself!"

Author's note: The Crazy old men in the story are based in part off of the Memphis Brothers from Cowboy Bebop, and in part from my grandpas and my Uncle Alfred.