Cait Sith:A Monologue

Wyvern

dragonkeep@earthlink.net

Okay, here's how it works: This is not exactly a story per se. It's a flow of consciousness kind of deal, displaying the innermost thoughts of Reeve, AKA Cait Sith. Basically, it's his feelings given voice, his own personal answer to the questions "Who am I?" "Why do I do what I do?" You know, heavy stuff.

Also, you'll notice Cait Sith speaking a bit more eloquently than usual......this is just because this is his inner thoughts and not his speech,and one's feelings do not speak with a particular dialect, and especially not with an annoying southern accent which suddenly appears halfway through the game. ^_^

     I am one of them.

     I am one of you.

     I am two people, three if you count the Mog.

     I am one person,who is two, but you only ever see one. My true self I hide. Everyone hides what they are ashamed of. I hide it by pretending I am a stuffed animal who talks and rides a Mog. I do it by pretending to be one of you. But I am not. My true self I hide, and I hate. But it's only my true self in the physical sense. In everyway that matters, my false self is my true self, if you follow me. You look at my false, yet true self with mistrust and uncertainty. I look ridiculous to you. I am of no value to your team,and every word I say is almost certainly a lie in your mind. I am not called Cait Sith when you think I cannot hear you. I am called the Spy. Even if I could prove to you where my true loyalty lies, would you still believe in me? As foolish as I look, andact, and am?

     I didn't want to be this. I don't want you to see me as what you see me as.

     Because I am something silly, something ridiculous. A talking Cat riding a giant stuffed Mog. Something one can never take seriously, or see as a welcome comrade in battle. That is what I am.

     I didn't want to be this. I didn't want to be who I am.

     A man in a suit, who prays at the alter of money like all the rest. Who worships and serves the God of Greed. And knows him on a first name basis. I call him President Rufus, or sometimes just Sir. That's the kind of man I am.

     Reeve is who I am. Cait Sith is what I am.

     I hate who I am because it is a disgrace. I hate what I am, because it is a lie.

     There is who I am, which is the reason I became what I am, and then there is the third variable:what I want.

     And what I want is something I can't have. Not as I am. Not as What I am. What I want is your friendship. To no longer be one of them, but one of you. But that is another lie. I cannot be one of you, without being one of them. It is the only way I will ever be of any use to you, after all. But thanks to Reeve, you don't trust Cait Sith. You will never call him Friend, or place your trust in him. He is a liar and a coward. And the worst thing is, you are right. All your accusations are justified.

     I lied to you once. And exposed as a liar, I blackmailed you. I can never prove myself to you while I hide behind this puppet, because I am always safe here. Let Cait Sith die a thousand, ten thousand times. Reeve is still alive. Another Cait Sith will be manufactured and sent to you. I can never prove myself. To me, sacrifice and selflessness are impossible. Just another reason to hate me I suppose. You may all die when you finally face Sephiroth, but I, the coward who never shows his face, the liar and the blackmailer and the traitor and the spy, will live on no matter what. Trust cannot be earned in such a way.

     I know, I'm full of self-pity and self-hatred. You would be too, if you woke up one day and realized in a horrible epiphany what you had become. The day every mirror in your house was broken. So you can see why I'd rather be a talking cat than a human being. The cat is a lie. He is also a second chance. Reeve is what I am. Cait Sith is what I hope to become. Someone who helps and doesn't harm. Someone who is trusted, accepted, maybe loved just a little bit. In short, someone who has friends. This is all I ask of you. I know I can't give you much in return. I can't put my life on the line for you, the way friends do in dire circumstances such as these. Yet I'd be asking you to do so for me. I don't expect you to say yes. I wouldn't in your place.

     If I could, I would remove my mask and let you meet Reeve, but that would be a mistake. Reeve is a mistake. He is not the real me anymore. Unlike Cait Sith he could put himself on the line for you, but he never would. He is still something I, Cait Sith, am ashamed of, and even friends hide things about themselves they find shameful.

     I just noticed something. I called myself Cait Sith. Not Reeve, or him, but Cait Sith. That has never happened before, and in retrospect, it was a wonderful moment. And this is why, even if you do not trust me, I choose to travel with you.

     Because even if you cannot give me your friendship,(and I don't blame you) you have given me something.....a new chance. Even if I have to be alone, I am no longer Reeve. I am Cait Sith. No longer a villain, but a...perhaps "hero" is too strong a word? More like....a good person. Nothing more than that.That's all I want, really.

     The more time passes, the more I become accustomed to my new self, which at first was just a toy, an act. Now Reeve is the act, Cait Sith the reality. I have made mistakes in the past, and perhaps my life as Cait Sith did not begin exactly as I had hoped. But I can look in the mirror again. Without breaking it. I see something rather silly, a cat with a crown and a cape, but I see a good person. Not Reeve. Cait Sith. My second chance.

     I can only hope,my companions, that one day, all of you - Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Vincent, Aeris, RedXIII, Cid, and Barret (yes, even you, Barret.......I know I deserve your trust least of all, and for that I am sorry. Honestly.) will trust me and call me friend. It is all I hope for, but if it never happens, I do not blame you at all. I know some sins cannot be forgiven. I leave that decision to you.

      Reguardless of what you decide, I still owe you all so much. For the first time in a long time, I can look at myself and think "I am a good person." Something Reeve could never have done. But I am not Reeve. I am Cait Sith. And even if I never find friends who love me,I have achieved something remarkable: I love myself. And for that, you will always have my thanks.

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"Even as a spy, it's still the same ol' me."-Cait Sith