The Wizard of Mideel

By: Kacey LaVey

"Somewhere over the rainbow..." we all know the lines. The Wizard of Oz gave us a fantastic world of crying tinmen, cowardly lions, and talking scarecrows with no brains(?). Well, I decided to give it a little kick and add lovable characters from Final Fantasy 7. If you get confused, Aeris is supposed to be Dorthy, Red 13 is Totto, Cloud is the Scarecrow, Cait Sith is the Tinman, Barret is the Cowardly Lion, Cid is the Wizard, Scarlet is the Wicked Witch of the West (WWW, he, he, he!), and Tifa is the Good Witch of the North. The cast kinda fights back after a while and.... well, you'll have to see for yourself. Enjoy! (Note: most jokes I get. If you aren't screwy enough for them, I'm sorry)

In the peaceful city of Midgar there was a church in Sector 6. Aeris Gainsborough lovingly picked some flowers from the floor of the church. It was the only place in the whole city that could grow flowers. Red 13, her trusty companion, was beside her.

Suddenly a great whirlwind tore through the sector. Aeris groped to save her lovely flowers from destruction. Above the growing winds she could hear Red 13 howl at something. A plank from the roof came loose and conked her on the head, sending her into subconsciousness.

Aeris awoke in a strange place. Red 13 was still at her side, but she could tell that they were no longer in Midgar. For one, the ground was covered in luscious grass and colorful flowers. She could also no longer find her flower garden or the church where it grew.

"Red, I don't think we're in Midgar anymore."

"What was your first clue?" Red 13 asked sarcastically.

"Those blue guys skipping over there," Aeris pointed. Red 13 followed her line of vision and saw what she meant. There was a whole swarm of the blue things and they were all singing the most annoying song.

"Great Scott! They're Smurfs!" Red 13 shuttered. Papa Smurf spotted the two newcomers and hobbled over to greet them.

"Welcome to Smurfsville! I'm Papa Smurf!" Suddenly a bullet zinged from nowhere and smacked Papa Smurf in the jaw. More bullets got the other Smurfs, scaring them away.

"I hate that song," Vincent growled. Of course he meant the annoying one the Smurfs were singing.

"Vincent? What're you doing here?" Aeris wondered.

"This is your dream. You tell me," Vincent shrugged.

"I'm dreaming? But it seems so real," Aeris frowned.

"Of course you're dreaming. It's in the script," Vincent nodded.

"That's quite enough, Vincent. You may go now," Red 13 pushed. Vincent put his gun away and glared at the animal.

"I tell myself when I can go. Besides, who's going to get rid of all those annoying singers?"

"He's got a point, Red," Aeris sighed.

"Very well. As long as he doesn't do anything too illegal," Red 13 agreed.

"A little late for that, aren't you, Red?" Vincent sneered. Aeris was starting to get ticked off at both of them and marched away. She stumbled upon a yellow brick.

"Hey, guys! A yellow brick!" The two joined her to get a look at the brick. Vincent picked up a loose one with his real arm.

"It's not made out of gold."

"The bricks keep going. It's a road," Red 13 observed.

"A yellow-brick road," Aeris added.

"I'm not singing," Vincent decided, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Neither am I," Red 13 agreed.

"We don't have to sing," Aeris assured them. She stepped onto the road and began to follow it, the other two following close behind.

"Follow the yellow-brick road! Follow the yellow-brick road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow-brick road!" the Smurfs sang.

Vincent shot a few bullets in their direction, silencing them for the moment.

"Thank you," Red 13 smiled.

"My pleasure," Vincent nodded. The road led them to a corn field where a sadly-dressed scarecrow was perched. One of its arms pointed to the left fork of the road.

"Cloud?" Aeris gasped.

"Shh! I'm supposed to be a scarecrow!" Cloud whispered.

"What a poor costume. Who made it for you?" Red 13 wondered.

"I kinda found it in a trash heap," Cloud confessed.

"Those kinds of things are thrown away for a reason: to not be seen by human eyes," Vincent informed.

"Just be quiet, guys. You'll ruin everything," Cloud pleaded.

"It's already ruined. I don't think it could get much worse," Red 13 shrugged.

"As long as we know you're alive we can cut you down," Aeris decided.

Vincent took that as his cue to show off his claw-arm. With a few expert slashes, Cloud was free.

"Thanks. Now, who are you?" Cloud questioned. (They were supposed to pretend they didn't know each other.)

"My name's Aeris," Aeris introduced.

"I'm Red 13," Red 13 continued.

"Ignore me. I'm not even supposed to be here," Vincent stated dryly.

"Cool names. I'm Cloud.... I mean, I'm Scarecrow," Cloud stuttered. He looked over at Red 13 and patted him on the head. "What a nice doggy."

"I'm not a dog," Red 13 snarled.

"Good. Now, come on. I know the way!" Cloud ushered. The four of them continued on their journey, not really knowing what the object of it was.

Suddenly Yuffie jumped in front of their path.

"Hey, you guys! You're not supposed to go this way yet! This is to the Shinra HQ an' you're not supposed to go there till much later. Rocket Town is that way, okay?"

"How do we know you're telling us the truth?" Red 13 demanded.

"Think about it. I wouldn't bother coming if this was the right way, would I? Besides, I'm not even supposed to be here," Yuffie explained.

"So? Neither am I," Vincent shrugged.

"What a rip-off. I'm like the most important character in this whole gig an' I'm not even included! It's so unfair!" Yuffie whined.

"Shut up before I shoot you," Vincent threatened. Yuffie stuck her tongue out at him and scampered away.

"Are we to trust Yuffie on this or go on?" Red 13 inquired.

"I'd much rather trust Yuffie than meet up with the Shinra before we're supposed to," Cloud decided.

"Same here. Let's go," Aeris agreed. The four went the way Yuffie indicated, wary of every noise made in the place. Red 13's nose rammed into something cold and painful. Vincent made a fire and the four discovered it was a robotic cat sitting on top of a larger robotic moogle. Aeris found the "on" switch and flipped it. The cat suddenly came to life, knocking Cloud to the ground.

"Good morning, Vietnam!" The cat got a good look at his surroundings and those who had awakened him. "Did Reeve turn me off again?"

"We don't have time for that. We've got to go on and find the wizard," Aeris informed.

"What for? Everyone knows where he is," the cat shrugged.

"Really? Where?" Red 13 wondered.

"Didn't you guys read the script? He's in Rocket Town," the cat explained.

"CS, stop talking about scripts. You're going to ruin everything," Cloud warned.

"Really, Cait. This started off pretty badly. I don't think we need to make it any worse," Aeris agreed. Cait Sith nodded slowly in agreement.

"Did Yuffie tell you guys about the lion?"

"No. Why?" Cloud asked.

"Um... no reason. No reason at all," CS grinned innocently.

"Tell me, at least. I'm not really a part of the story anyway," Vincent pushed. CS leaned in close and whispered something in his ear.

"What? What'd he say?" Cloud demanded.

"Barret's gonna ruin everything," Vincent muttered.

"What? I didn't catch that," Cloud frowned.

"Gee, look at those tall trees over there. We'd better go explore them!" CS pointed, sounding as if he was reciting part of a play. The others didn't really want to, but they figured it was the only way to make CS shut up and followed him.

"Lions and tigers and bears! Oh, my! Lions and tigers and bears! Oh, my!" the Smurfs chirped. Vincent sent a round of bullets their way.

"Will we ever be rid of those annoying blue men?" A couple rounds of bullets that didn't come from Vincent found their way to the Smurfs. Barret burst onto the scene wearing a ridiculous lion costume. CS cracked up then and there.

"!@#$?, CS. What the ?#$#! are you laughing about?" Barret demanded.

"You look.... like a.... complete idiot!" CS laughed, finding it hard to speak through his chuckles.

"Screw these #$%?@ costumes! I'm wearing whatever the #@!? I want!" Barret decided, taking off the hot costume to reveal his "normal" clothes.

Cloud followed his example gladly.

"Hey, Barret. I thought you were supposed to be cowardly," Vincent frowned.

"Me, cowardly? &*?@!, no. I ain't gonna be no #@%? cowardly lion. I'm gonna be myself and screw those who think otherwise," Barret stated proudly.

"Well said, Barret. Same goes for me. That stupid scarecrow costume was starting to itch anyway," Cloud agreed.

"So what're we gonna do now?" CS wondered.

"Let's bust into Rocket Town!" Barret grinned.

"All right!" CS cheered.

Getting into Rocket Town was much easier than they expected. Shera, the assistant of the wizard, was waiting for them outside his house. Once they told her their business there, she let them right in.

"Shera? Where the %&?#@'s my tea?" the wizard demanded.

"Cid's the wizard?" Aeris gasped.

"Yeah. So what's it to ya?" Cid growled.

"Nothing. I just never suspected you'd be any sort of wizard," Aeris explained.

"If it's not much trouble to you, we'd like to go back home," Red 13 requested.

"No can do," Cid stated.

"What? You mean I'm stuck in this place with all those Smurfs?" CS shuttered.

"Didn't say that. Just said that I can't do nothin' until you get rid of Scarlet," Cid continued.

"Why do we need to get rid of Scarlet?" Cloud wondered.

"How the !@#$ am I supposed to know? I'm just going by the ?#@! script! You need to get rid of Scarlet and bring me her broom. Then you'll get out of here," Cid explained.

"Her broom? Scarlet has a broom?" Barret gasped.

"Like I said, I'm just going by the ?#@! script," Cid shrugged.

"So we have to get rid of Scarlet first?" Cloud sighed.

"Yep. Hope ya have fun," Cid nodded.

"He wasn't much help," Aeris whispered to Cloud.

"Some is better than none," he reminded her.

Scarlet stifled a yawn as Cloud and his friends tried their best to explain why they wanted a broom she didn't have.

"Kya, ha, ha! Even if I had a broom I wouldn't give it to you!"

"That's just great! What're we gonna do now?" CS moaned.

"We could throw water on her and hope she melts," Red 13 advised.

"Yeah, like that's gonna work!" CS laughed.

"You know, Red, that's not a bad idea!" Cloud smiled. He grabbed a bucket of water and threw its contents in Scarlet's face. She screamed bloody murder.

"My make-up! You washed off my make-up!" She ran from the room, not being able to bear the thought of them seeing her without her make-up.

"I'm surprised that actually worked," Red 13 stated.

"We'd better get out of here before she decides to come back," CS advised. The others agreed and they scurried out of the HQ.

"I'll get you for this, Cloud. And your little dog, too!" Scarlet shouted after them.

"I'm not a dog!" Red 13 growled.

Cid lit up another cigarette as the group launched into their explanation as to why they returned without Scarlet's broom. "You see, Cid. She never actually had a broom in the first place," Red 13 explained.

"I'm sorry, guys, but it's in the script. I can't let you go until you give me her broom," Cid insisted.

"Stop talking about scripts. We've ruined this enough, don't you think?" Aeris scolded. Tifa suddenly burst into the room, looking very steamed.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be a good witch or something?" CS frowned.

"I am, but I'm not. It's an insult to us girls thinking that we're witches and such. I wouldn't have it. Okay, Aeris. Let's get this stupid thing over with. Click your heels together and blah blah blah," Tifa ordered.

"We forgot the stupid shoes!" CS groaned.

"Forget the shoes! Just do it!" Tifa snapped.

"I know, CS. We can use your boots. They are red, you know," Aeris pointed out.

"Good idea," CS nodded. He clicked his heels together three times saying "There's a lot of places better than home. There's a lot of places better than home...."

With CS' voice echoing in her ears, Aeris awoke to find herself back in Midgar. Red 13 discovered they were back as well.

"Darn. For a minute there I thought we'd never come back."

"I know, I know. Still, I guess Midgar is better than nowhere," Aeris agreed.

"Especially when there aren't any Smurfs around," Red 13 nodded. A bullet streaked past them. They looked up to see Vincent standing in the doorway.

"Just making sure."

"Something tells me that wasn't a dream," Aeris frowned.

"What was your first clue?" Red 13 asked sarcastically.


"You know, guys, that was really pathetic. And who let Smurfs on stage? They're not even part of the story!" Aeris complained.

"I think it was kinda funny," Yuffie grinned.

"You would. You didn't even have to be in there very much," Cloud sniffed.

"At least I made an appearance. Vincent hogged the show, an' he wasn't supposed to be there either," Yuffie pouted.

"Well, someone had to make sure those stupid Smurfs kept silent," Vincent growled.

"What I don't get is why we had to get a broom from Scarlet, even though she didn't even have one," Red 13 frowned.

"For the last time, it was in the ?@!# script!" Cid shouted.

"Who wrote that script anyway?" Barret wondered. All eyes turned to Cait Sith.

"What? What?"

"It was your idea in the first place, Cait," Yuffie pointed out.

"Yeah, but I thought it was going to be much more fun," CS shrugged.

"Just don't tell us any more of your stupid ideas," Aeris pleaded.

"You know what we could do? We could do an Alice in Wonderland. Aeris could be Alice, I could be the Mad Hatter, White Rabbit and Cheshire Cat, Red could be the March Hare...," CS listed.

"No!" they all cried at once.

"Okay, okay. I was just suggesting!" CS defended.

The Real End

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