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Fanfic Editor's Note: This story was inspired on RPGamer's Final Fantasy Series Message Boards, and written up by a participant.

Life Becomes Soap Opera

Michael "Avatar" Eaton
eatonmi@hotmail.com


(Backstory, as written by B: This was posted a long time ago after a poll about the most attractive Final Fantasy character. I love my Edgar dearly, but in my mind, he's just barely edged out by Vincent in this category. Unfortunately, voicing my opinion on this caused "Edgar" to get a little mad. I tried to appease my beloved, but he just wouldn't listen. Avatar saw our problem and made up this story.)

Edgar did not dare to listen to the blasphemy coming from B's mouth.

"Don't you dare! I am the greatest being on this Earth (all the ladies love me!). You... you cheated on me with this... Vincent! I'll never forgive you!"

"Oh, no-oo!" B cried. "Edgar, my beautiful Edgar, this wasn't meant to be! We had a bond for eternity! Don't let this post... oh, oh! Don't let it make you a twisted, wicked man!"

"B! I am sick of this melodramatic parody! I AM OUT OF HERE!!!"

Edgar slammed the door shut, leaving B sobbing on her bed.

"No-oo... my Edgar. Why... why-y-y..."

Suddenly, the phone rang in B's room. She quickly picked it up. "Hello?" she whispered in tears.

"Hello, this is the Jerry Springer Show. We would like to have you as a guest on our upcoming episode, 'RPG Addicts and the Sprites/Polygons they Love.' Would you like to come on the show?"

"ARE YOU INSANE!?!?!?"

"Too bad, we are forcing you to come anyway. We don't have enough suckers who are actually desperate enough to come on the show. Besides, there's a small part of green stuff waiting for you..."

"...I'm a Canadian! We have psychedelic colored money! What were you insane Americans on when you made GREEN the color of money?"

"Ahem. Well, we can convert the currencies. Anyway, come here... or die..."

THE NEXT DAY!

"RPG ADDICTS AND THE SPRITES/POLYGONS THEY LOVE!"

Jerry walked onstage and began to speak. "Greetings. Today on Springer, the topic is "RPG Addicts, and the Sprites and Polygons they Love! Our first guest is B, a game player from... well, somewhere in Canada. B has a crush on Edgar Figaro, the fictional king of Figaro in the epic game Final Fantasy VI. B, would you elaborate on your relationship with Edgar?"

B [has no idea Edgar is hiding back stage]: "...sob... sob... Why-y... why did I have to lose my precious Edgar-Wedgar? Oh, Edgie-Wedgie... NO-O-O!"

Springer: "It seems that you miss Edgar very much, don't you."

B: "...sniff... I just levelled him up to Level 99! WHY!? WHY DID HE LEAVE ME!?"

Springer: "Well, how would you feel if we told you that Edgar was back stage, waiting for you. Edgar, come out!"

Edgar storms out of the backstage, very angered at B. He sat down, frowning at the camera. The woman hooted and cheered.

Edgar [thinks he's the greatest being in the world]: "Thank you! Thank you! How rude it was for me to frown at a lady!"

Springer: "Now, Edgar, why did you break up with B?"

Edgar: "Well, she proclaimed on the RPGamer message boards that she preferred the looks of some Vincent character. It was an outrage! We were going steady, we were... but then she turned on me! I am appalled by this!"

B: "I love you, Edgar! This is a lie, this posting!"

Edgar: "Bull[feces]!"

Springer: "You do realize, Edgar, that we cannot allow you to use obscene language. This show is being monitored by Senator Lieberman, you know..."

B: "Please, Edgar, be your rational self!"

Edgar: "Rational! Hmph! You betray me, and expect me to revere you?"

Springer: "This is all very interesting, but we have a secret guest! Vincent Valentine, come on out!"

Vincent appeared on stage somberly, and sat down beside B.

Edgar: "Woman-snatching hoar-monger!"

Vincent [snatching Edgar's chick]: "..."

Edgar: "Don't give ME the silent treatment! I'll teach you not to pervert a lady!"

Edgar quickly rose from his seat and began strangling Vincent.

Crowd: "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"

Vincent pulled out a gun and shot Edgar repeatedly in the thigh.

Edgar: "Argh! [meanie]!"

Chairs fly, guns are shot, limbs are sawed off...

Springer, evading the carnage on the set: "For today's final thought, we must remember that though RPG characters are really nothing more than a conglomeration of sprites and polygons, we must realize that giving life to these creatures is... wait, they changed the FCC regulations? I don't need to add in this final thought baloney!? THANK GOD!!! Now I can have what I've always wanted! CARNAGE! DESTRUCTION! DEATH DEATH DEATH! DESTROY, DESTROY, DESTROY!!!

Springer ripped off his mask and revealed the face of...

KEFKA!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[screen fades to black]

Edgar was almost mortally wounded in his brawl with Vincent. However, he managed to survive, and was content with pleasing the ladies.

Vincent is still as quiet as ever, making sure he gets as little plot development as possible (at least from what I've heard from FFVII critics.

Kefka still hosts the Jerry Springer Show (we always knew he was always in it).

The Security Guys were off taking a donut break during the show, so they didn't do anything.

Avatar is a retard. It just has to be known.

The Taping of "RPG Addicts and the Sprites/Polygons they Love" was censored by the USA Network, and was placed on one of Springer's cheesy "Too Hot for TV!" tapes.

B still fantasizes about Edgar. She'll never stop. The charming king of Figaro is just too much for women to resist.

Leonardo DiCaprio has some competition. But he's still got overinflated movie salaries to live off of, so we won't see the end of him. Keep mourning, men...

Senator Lieberman is working on censoring every game on the market, making Barbie dolls the greatest market. Folks, damnation is at hand here...

Life in general

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