THE CRAVE GAMING CHANNEL
V'lanna
 

 

Christopher La Bianca "Geode"
The Final Fantasy Farces

Final Fantasy 007: Gold Chocobo

 

(James Bond Theme queues up)A gun barrel slides across the screen from left to right following Vincent. At the far end of the screen, Vincent turns and shoots the man holding the gun barrel. Red trickles down the screen.

 

Shin-ra Headquarters is coming into view. Everything seems peaceful enough. Then a siren, goes off. And the front of the Shin-ra building explodes. Vincent is running down a corridor under the Shin-ra building. Vincent is wearing a black suit, bow tie, and his crimson cape. All of a sudden, Shin-ra soldiers surround him.

"Hands up!" one of the many Shin-ra soldiers shouts. Vincent laughs.

"If you insist!" Vincent shouts back. Orange light flows around him. Vincent fades and transforms into Chaos. Chaos screams and starts to attack the soldiers. Most of them have dropped their weapons and were running for their life.

Cloud is running down another corridor. He is also wearing a black suit and a bow tie. He comes to an intersection and is stopped three Shin-ra soldiers.

"All right wise guy, hands up!" the leading soldier tells Cloud.

"I don't think that's necessary·" Cloud tells the soldier. He unsheathes his Buster Sword from his back. The Shin-ra soldiers begin to laugh. Cloud presses a button on the hilt of the sword and a cannon opens on the blade. The soldiers stop laughin g and are readying the weapons. But it was too late. "Hasta La Vista, Baby!" Cloud continues the long line of quoting that phrase. The Buster Sword fires ten rounds of shot gun shells and the three soldiers. All three of them are thrown back into the corr idor. "Should've said, Please put your hands up."

Cloud waves his hand to motion someone behind him. Tifa runs up behind him wearing her usual outfit.

"Thanks for saving me back there," Tifa said to Cloud.

"It's my job," Cloud said in a cool tone. They both rushed on. Cloud passed a corridor and found Chaos tearing apart the Shin-ra soldiers.

"Vincent!!" Cloud shouted, "Put down that man's torso and get moving!" Chaos spit out the torso, which smacked against the wall, and moaned. Chaos shrunk and faded to be replaced by the usual Vincent. Vincent then ran to Cloud and they continued on.

"We are almost at the end of the tunnel!" Vincent exclaimed. They reached the ladder which would lead out. Shin-ra soldiers appeared seemingly out of no where behind him.

"Stop right there! I can't allow you to leave!" the leader exclaimed. He knew he was going to die, but at least he'd make a lasting quote. Tifa reached into her bra and pulled out a grenade. Cloud surprisingly noticed that her chest didn't shrink in size.

"See you in hell, $#!%-ra!" Tifa yelled and threw the grenade after tugging out the pin with her teeth. The three main characters climbed up the ladder just before it exploded. They then proceeded to climb up to the helicopter meeting point. Vincent began to play with his watch.

"Are you signaling the helicopter?" Cloud asked Vincent.

"Nope, I'm just playing with the indi-glow feature," Vincent told him. A helicopter just came into view and flew over their head. The helicopter dropped a ladder which Cloud caught. The three characters climbed onto the ladder and the helicopter sped away just before a series of explosions emitted from the Shin-ra building. The screen fades to black.


It is the middle of the afternoon in the grasslands. The chocobos at chocobo stables are eating the abundant greens. A black truck comes into view from the side. The truck pulls up along side the chocobo ranch. The roll up door on the back of the truck opened. Reno, Rude and Elena hopped out onto the grass.

"Come on, Let's get this over with!" Reno shouted to Rude. They rushed into the stables.

"Hey! You aren't allowed in here!" Chocobo Billy yelled at the Turks. Elena shoved him aside. Reno stopped in front of a stable. A plaque rested on the stable door. "Goldie: Male, S-Class," was etched into the sign. Reno kicked the stable door open and entered the stable. A gold chocobo stood near the window munching on some Sylkis Greens. The chocobo warked in recognition to their presence. Reno pulled a small pen-like object.He moved towards the chocobo's chest and pressed a button on the pen. A tranquilizer surged through the gold chocobo. The chocobo uttered a cry and then hung its head. Reno guided the tranquilized chocobo out of the farm and into the truck. The turks reboarded the truck and drove away. Billy's father ran out to meet the threat with a shotgun, but the Turks were long gone. He went to help his son up and surveyed what had happened.

"Oh no!" the man groaned as he saw the empty Gold Chocobo stable.


Vincent stood in the hallway of Cloud's summer home. He stared at the bedroom door where Cloud and Tifa had entered a few hours ago. He could here Cloud and Tifa performing their "activities" in the bedroom. He looked at his badge which read "008."

"Why does Cloud get to be 007?" Vincent complained to himself. "I'm the one with the gun! And how come I don't get the chicks. I'm a very cool character." Vincent continued to listen to Cloud and Tifa in the bedroom. "Well I can entertain myself without a woman." Vincent walked into the closet and slammed the door.


Cloud and Tifa had been expressing their feelings for each other. Even though they had only known each other for a few hours. They were about to continue when Cloud's PHS rang. Cloud reached onto the bed counter and grabbed his PHS receiver.

"Hello, Strife here," Cloud talked into the phone.

"Yo, Mr. Strife, dis is Barret," Cloud heard his employer over the phone. "I got some bad news for ya." Cloud stepped out of bed, wearing only his boxer shorts. He stepped out of the room towards the door. He openend it and stood in the door way. Tifa, not wearing anything, pulled the blanket around her chest and followed Cloud.

"What's the matter?" Cloud asked.

"You remember doze bad @$$s, da Turks. Well, dey took a stroll over to the Chocobo pens and stole are Gold Chocobo!"

"The Gold Chocobo!" Cloud said concerned. "Why would the Turks want that?"

"We ain't sure," Barret told Cloud, "We know dey be shippin' it towards Cosmo Canyon though."

"I'm on it!" Cloud said, "I'll be at headquarters in a little while." Cloud turned off his PHS. He turned to Tifa. "I've got to go. I'll be back though."

"No way secret agent!" Tifa said. "You saved my life, so it's my turn to return the favor."

"You already returned the favor," Clou said smiling. Tifa blushed.

"We must hurry Cloud," Vincent said. He stepped out of the closet. Both Cloud and Tifa stood wide eyed.

"You mean he was here the entire time!" Tifa said shocked. Tifa looked at herself and then fainted.

"I told her you left," Cloud explained. "She thinks you are sort of strange, unreal I think she said."

"I thought the same thing of her chest," Vincent said. He stared down at Tifa, whose blanket had fallen off when she fainted. "I guess I was wrong."


Cloud, Vincent and Tifa walked into the main headquarters. All of the characters were back in their original outfits including Tifa with her tank top and mini skirt. Barret met them. In the background, some of the Highwind maintainers were trying to attach a rocket launcher to the Highwind. Behind them was a large poster with blue prints of the Tiny Bronco. In big letters, "Tiny Bronco: Submerge Mode" was written on the bottom of the poster.

"Welcome back to da headquarters Mr. Strife, Mr. Valentine and Ms. Lockheart." The three characters were admiring the surroundings. "You guys follow me," Barret told the group. They walked down the hallway. As they walked, you could see other inventions and advancements. A blue print of Cait Sith's Mog only with an uzzi implanted in the chest. Next to that, the buggy was being remodeled with Jet Mode. Two testers were carrying a potion which then exploded. Men rushed over with fire extinguishers. They walked into a huge briefing room. The room had two tables which were topped with gadgets and inventions. At the far end of the room, Cid sat at a desk. He was smoking as usual.

"Yo Cid! Dis iz a government buildin'! No smokin'!" Barret told the pilot. Cid was reading something and looked up.

"Shut the %#$@ up!!" Cid replied in his angry tone. He put down what he was reading and glanced over the two secret agents and the girl. "Welcome back, agents. I'm here to give you guys a briefing on your mission. Of course, I won't go into full detail because I'm coming too so you two don't #$%@ things up!" Cid pressed a button on his desk.

"Shera!! Bring in five cups of tea!! And make sure you bring the necessary condiments!"

"Oh, yes Cid, right away," Shera replied over the intercom. Cid walked in front of a huge map of the world. He removed a small pointer from his pocket. He tried to stretch the pointer, but it was stuck.

"@#%*^%&*!!" Cid shouted in frustration. He threw the pointer behind him out the window. A huge explosion proceeded followed by a few sirens. He removed his cigarette from his mouth and pointed at the map. "Presently, we know that the Turks and a whole mess of Shin-ra have taken managed to fly the chocobo to North Corel in their new airship, the Scarlet." Cid laughed and took another puff. "What a piece of $#@%!!, that airship. Now, they're taking a train from North Corel to some rendezvous point near Cosmo Canyon. We've managed to get some information from two spies on board the plane. He pointed to a monitor on the wall which started up. The visual came up and the team could see Cait Sith and Red 013.

"Oh hello!" Cait Sith realized he was on. "We're just about to sneak through this car and into the car with the Turks." Cait Sith hopped across the inside of the dining car. Followed by Red 013. Shin-ra soldiers were everywhere. Cait Sith then proceeded to trip over a table and smash on the ground. Cid and Barret cursed in the background. Two Shin-ra soldiers helped the giant stuffed mog and cat up with Red 013. Cait Sith thanked them and continued on. Apparently, they didn't think their was anything strange about a toy cat riding a stuffed mog and a talking lion creature. They traveled to the next car and peered through a crack in the door. The monitor showed a visual of Reno, Rude, Elena and Tseng. They were all holding wine glasses.

"Cheers to the Shin-ra!" Reno rang out. The Turks cheered. "This is the companies best plot yet."

"Once we get the chocobo to that new island chain, we can test Hojo's theory," Elena continued. "If he's right, then we can take control of Site A and reactivate them."

"Whose them?" Cloud asked.

"Shut the #$%$ up and listen!" Cid yelled at him.

"I don't believe that Hojo's actually developed the technology to do it," Tseng continued. "We'll just have to wait and find out." Just then, Heiddeger and Scarlet walked into the room.

"Turks!" Scarlet shouted. "Their have been reports that there are spies on board!" The Turks put down their glasses and got up.

"Any other information?" Rude asked.

"None so far..." Heiddeger said. He waved toward where Cait Sith and Red 013 were watching. Cait Sith and Red 013 immediately retreated to the dining car and intermingled with the crowd.

The Turks, Scarlet and Heiddeger entered the dining car. Scarlet stood in front of the crowd and waved her arms.

"We have a spy on the train!" Scarlet shouted. The Shin-ra soldiers stopped talking and looked at Scarlet. Scarlet began to walk through the crowd surveying each individual person. She came up to Cait Sith and Red 013. She looked them over. "You wouldn't happen to know who this spy is large ominous mog and cat and lion?" she asked the odd group. Cait Sith scratched his head.

"Ummm·" Cait Sith mumbled. He looked across the crowd. "It was him!!" Cait Sith pointed at one of the waiters. The waiter shouted something in French.

"It's him!!" Scarlet screamed. "Get him!!" The Turks leapt onto the confused waiter.

"I better turn off now," Cait Sith said to his microphone. The visual became snowy and faded out. Cid walked in front of the group.

"Well, the spies can't hold out to much longer," Cid said taking another smoke. "Cloud come over here and let me show you how your gadgets work. Vincent, you go with Aeris," he motioned to Aeris, who was standing in the door. Tifa and herself had been exchanging evil glances. Vincent followed Aeris into another briefing room.

"Alright agent 008, I've prepared some equipment for you," Aeris motioned to the table. She picked up two gold gloves which looked similar to the ones Vincent used.

"These are your "Goldfinger" gloves Mr. Valentine," Aeris picked up the gloves. "If you press like this on the palm of your hand, it will fire a high definition laser." She pressed on the glove and fired a laser at a cardboard cut out. She handed it to Vincent. She then picked up a transmitter device. It had a small screen with a picture of a chocobo in the middle. "This little device will home in on the Gold Chocobo!" Aeris exclaimed. "Just press these buttons and it's and an instant chocobo radar system." The device began making the chocobo remark "Wooheehoo!" like a sonar system. Aeris walked over to a rack of bottles. Common inscriptions like "Megalixir" and "X-Potion" were inscribed on a few. She chose one. It had the inscription "Turk Repellent" on it. "Use this on the Turks," Aeris said. "It should weaken them quite a bit. Just make sure you don't use it on yourself seeing that you're a Turk or an ex-Turk or whatever. Vincent nodded. She handed Vincent a few other odds and ends and then led Vincent back to where Cloud was standing with Tifa.

"We ready?" Cid asked. They all nodded. Then Cid hit himself in the head and ran over to the intercom. "SHERA!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE #$%&@* TEA!!!" Shera rushed in and handed each person a cup of tea. Cid looked everyone over. "And you guys better drink it!"


The Highwind flew past North Corel. Its destination was a mountain chain near Cosmo Canyon where the train had been located. Cloud, Tifa, Vincent and Cid stared out into Cosmo Canyon. Cid was holding binoculars and looking for the train.

"Aha, there it is!" Cid shouted and pointed to the train. "Hey you!" Cid shouted to one of his students. "Land us over there!" He pointed to a cliff that the train would be passing. The Highwind went into a steep decline and landed at the directed spot. They could here the train nearing the cliff. They stood towards the edge of the incline. "Now, everyone jump on the count of three! Ready, one... two..." Cid counted down.

"Wait, what number was it?" Cloud asked. Tifa and Vincent slapped him in the back of the head.

"Three!!" Cid shouted. The team of agents, and Tifa, jumped onto the train. They landed with a soft thud and hoped no one had heard their arrival. The team then slipped down to a latch between cars and walked into what appeared to be the mail car. They glanced over their surroundings.

"Psst!!" a voice came from the mail bags. Vincent moved towards them and looked behind them. Cait Sith and Red013 jumped out from behind them.

"What's going on?" Vincent asked Red 013. He preferred talking to a lion creature over a stuffed animal any day.

"We believe that the Shin-ra are still searching for the real spies on the train," Red 013 filled in the information to Vincent. "We still can't find where they are holding the Gold Chocobo though."

"Why do they need the chocobo?" Cloud asked. Cid pulled out another cigarette and lit it.

"We aren't sure," Red 013 continued. "They said something about bringing the chocobo aboard a ship and bringing it to some new chain of islands which have formed. I believe they need it to reach the top of a mountain on one of the islands."

"Well, let's find it so that we can get off this #@$%(* train," Cid told the group. The group filed out of the mail car and entered a passenger car. They quietly proceeded through the car. There were a few Shin-ra soldiers sitting in the car, but only three of them were still awake. The three that were awake were playing "Go Fish." Each agent walked past the group. Only of the soldiers paid attention to them. He watched a man with a big sword walk by... no problem, a guy in a red cape with gold claws walks by... no problem, a red lion creatures with feathers on its head... nah, no problem, a giant stuffed mog and a cat with a megaphone... seems normal enough. Then he spotted Cid.

"Hey there!!" he shouted at them. "Don't you realize that there is absolutely no smoking allowed on the train."

"Screw you!" Cid replied and took another puff. The soldier sighed and resumed. Then he saw Tifa walk by.

"Hey miss," the soldier got up and tapped Tifa on the shoulder. Tifa cautiously turned around. "Where did you find such a good surgeon?" Tifa looked confused. "Ya Know your..." The soldier poked Tifa in her upper chest area. Tifa's face turned red with anger.

"He's screwed·" Red 013 mumbled. Cait Sith's mog covered the cat's eyes.

"These are real you·" Tifa shouted. "Final Heaven!!" Tifa shouted. Tifa put out her fist. Energy drained into her knuckle. Light shined everywhere. Tifa gave the man her fist into his face. The man went flying through the window. The two soldiers l ooked at each other and readied their guns. Cait Sith took this opportunity to take the spot light.

"Choco/Mog!!" Cait Sith yelled through his megaphone. A chocobo ran through the entrance to the passenger car. Mog was riding on top of it. Instead of wearing his usual bandanna, he was wearing sun glasses. He stopped the chocobo in front of the two soldiers.

"No more "Deathblow!!" for me!" the little Mog squeaked. "I want to look cool too!" He reached behind his back and pulled out a rocket launcer.

"No you·!!!!" Cid shouted but didn't get to finish. Mog fired off a rocket and not only eradicated the soldiers, but the wall to the car as well. The Mog saluted the team and ran off. The team looked at Cait Sith.

"Uhhh· Sorry about that·" Cait Sith said embarassed. Cid was about to punch the cat in the head. The Shin-ra soldiers, who had been sleeping peacefully, awoke with a start. Cloud pulled out his wallet and checked his "license to kill." Go od, it hadnāt expired yet.

"Let's go!" Vincent called. The team ran to the next car. This car was filled with cargo of all sorts. Cid locked the door. That'll hold them for a moment. Instead of banging and ramming on the door an old voice called out of the angry Shin-ra sold iers.

"Wait a minute!" an old train attendant called. "I've got the key to the door!" He walked over to the door and pulled out a key ring of about fifty keys. "Hmmm· I forgot exactly which one it was· I'll just try all of 'em," The man gave a weak laugh and began trying each individual key at a very slow rate. "Nope it's not this one· Maybe this one!" The Shin-ra soldiers waited impatiently.

"Let's search the place," Cloud suggested. He then proceeded to run over and start smashing and overturning boxes.

"You #$%@!! Not like that!" Cid shouted. Cid went over and started slowly moving each individual box. Vincent was about to help when he saw someone dart behind a crate. He followed the shadow. He rounded the corner and saw the back of the spy. He s mashed the person in the back of the head. He then dragged the body out into the open.

"Yuffie!!" they all shouted in unison. The female ninja was sprawled out on the floor.

"It's my materia·" she groaned, not fully conscious. They waited a moment until she was normal again.

"Let me see· I know, I know·You are the one that is helping the spy that the Shin-ra are looking for," Cait Sith deciphered. Red 013 banged his head on the wall.

"She is the spy, you #$%&!" Red 013 shouted at Cait Sith.

"What are you doing here?" Cloud asked the girl.

"I'm stealing all of this illegal SQUARE merchandise," Yuffie explained. "Look here, Final Fantasy 5: The English Version, Chrono Trigger 2, and Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest 2!!"

"Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest sucked!" Cid interjected.

"I had a hard time with it·" Cloud said sadly. "I never realized casting Cure on the last guy killed him in two hits." Vincent was about to hit Cloud again when he decided he'd wait until later.

"Well you screwed us royally!" Cid said. "Now the Shin-ra are in an uproar and we still haven't found the chocobo!" All of a sudden the train screeched to a halt.

"Oh $#%&! We're at the rendezvous point!" Cid shouted. "We have to get out of the train!"

"Leave that to me," Vincent said. He walked over to the wall and used his laser gloves. The wall collapsed and Vincent jumped out. Everyone except Red 013 and Cait Sith followed.

"I could have done that!" Cait Sith said defiantly. He turned around and smashed through the wall. Red 013 shook his head and jumped out Cait Sith's opening.


The team watched from behind a load of crates. Yuffie had found a Final Fantasy 3 strategy guide and was reading up on how to beat Ultros in the Esper's Gathering Place.

"There it is," Tifa whispered. The Gold Chocobo walked out from a part of the train. They were leading it to a ship which was docked at the end of the long peninsula of land. The Turks, Scarlet and Heiddeger were entering a large ship.

"Hey, that's Hojo!" Vincent said angrily. Hojo had stepped out of the train and was now helping set up some equipment.

"What are those Shin-ra jerks up too?" Cloud asked keeping his voice low.

"Use the Sketch technique? That sounds to complicated·" Yuffie said questioning the strategy guide. Vincent slapped her in the head. He could enjoy doing this throughout the entire story.

"We better split up," Cloud told the group. "Cid, Cait Sith and Tifa, you come with me. The rest of you guys keep an eye on Hojo." Vincent nodded in agreement.

Cloud, Cait Sith, Tifa and Cid made their way onto the boat while the rest of the group hid behind the crates.

"Hey Vincent, Did you know that Gogo looks like a relative of yours!" Yuffie told Vincent. Vincent slapped her in the back of the head once again. "Owww, Stop doing that!"


The ship sailed across the Cosmo Canyon sea and reached the chain of islands. The Turks brought the chocobo ashore and started climbing the mountain.

"#$%@!! We don't have anyway to follow them!" Cid shouted at Cloud.

"Don't be usin' dat language here," a voice called. Barret and Aeris appeared behind them with a new Gold Chocobo.

"Where did you get that and how did you get here!" Cloud asked. Aeris stepped forward scowling at Tifa.

"We acquired a Desert Rose and traded it at Kalm for her. We called her Goldfeather," Aeris patted the Chocobo on the head. Cloud's jaw dropped. Cid was about to ask where they got such a stupid name but decided that he'd have time for it later.

"How did you two manage to beat Ruby WEAPON!" Tifa asked astonished.

"We didn't do it, we looked up Sephiroth in the phone book and asked him to do us da favor. So he came out of his crater and beat the living crap out of it. He gave us the Desert Rose and we let him keep the gil," Barret explained.

"Why did he do that?" Cloud asked.

"He said somethin' bout needin' community service for summonin' meteor." Barret told the still astonished group. Cid got over the shock first and asked a very frequently asked question.

"What's up with that thing? It was supposed to crash two months ago!!" Cid told the big man.

"Dunno, Maybe it's waitin' for his birthday or somthin'," Barret replied.

"When is Sephiroth's birthda·?" Cait Sith began.

"Oh SHUT UP you stupid cat!" Cid shouted. A few Shin-ra soldiers turned around but lost interest in what was happening. Cloud hopped on the chocobo.

"Well, I'm going to stop the Turks before it's to late!" Cloud shouted and rode off after them.

"I wonder if he can stop them?" Aeris asked Barret.

"Do not worry yourselves· He won't·" a voice came from the shadows behind them. The entire team turned around except for Cait Sith, who wasn't paying attention.

A man stepped out from the shadows.

"Rufus??" Tifa asked. The team was even more confused now.

"Huh," Cait Sith just noticed the man, "What's happening? What did I miss?" The man wore a white suit and a had reddish orange hair. But his face was not human. A huge metal plate covered the lower portion of his jaw.

"This is Hojo's handy work· After that accident in the Shin-ra building with Diamond WEAPON," Rufus said in an eerie voice.

"What are you up too?" Cid asked the president of Shin-ra incorporated.

"Just repairing the world and taking control of it in the process," Rufus chimed. He stared at each team member. "Do you know what lies in that mountain on the new island chain."

"Mako, The Promised Land, Sephiroth, Knights of the Round materia, more Gold Chocobos, maybe a portal which will make this story cross over into Chrono Trigger·" Cait Sith rattled off all of the answers he could think of until Cid kicked him in the back.

"No· But you'll find out soon enough," Rufus laughed as Shin-ra soldiers surrounded the group.


"We've arrived at the spot!" Elena shouted to Reno and Rude. "Boy, that was some climb· I'm tired and I didn't even climb the mountain." Reno stepped up towards Elena.

"Elena, Don't act so weak!" Reno reminded as he usually did.

"I'm not weak!!" Elena shouted at Reno who had turned away and was searching for something. Rude followed close behind him. The chocobo was tied to a tree near them. It had found some greens and was busy munching them. It was still under the influe nce of the tranquilizer. Elena rubbed her back which was sore all over.

"Their is no way I'm riding that chocobo again," she whined.

"You won't have to!" Cloud shouted as he raced up the hill. He stopped in front of Elena and knocked her over with the side of the chocobo. Elena went rolling down part of the hill they were on. "Because, when I'm done, you'll all be down at the ba se of the mountain!" Rude reached for his gun but Reno stopped him. He stabbed a strange looking antenna into the ground and widened the receptors.

"It's too late Cloud·" Reno called out. "Our plan is done· All I have to do is push this button and·" He pressed the controller which was in his hand. Just then, Hojo's equipment on the mainland fired a blast of energy towards the area where the Tu rks had laid the antenna. The surge hit the antenna and shocked the ground. Everyone was knocked off of their feet.

"What's going on?" Cloud called. The Turks didn't answer. They jumped back onto the chocobo and raced down the mountain. The ground split apart. Cloud scrambled to his chocobo and raced after the Turks. He glanced back at the shaking hillside. A hu ge steel crest tore out of the ground. Two eyes opened and shined an eerie yellow.

"No, it can't be· They were all destroyed!" Cloud said under his breath. "The Shin-ra have found another WEAPON."


Cloud rushed down the mountain and charged his chocobo onto the departing ship. He managed the leap and found himself surrounded by Shin-ra soldiers. He was about to attack them when he saw his friends also captured. He dismounted off his chocobo a nd walked over to them. A strange man with a metal face stood with them. He looked vaguely familiar. Then it hit him.

"That's Rufus!" Cloud told himself. "But how·"

"All your questions will be answered in time," Rufus spoke. "Just watch the unraveling events behind you." Cloud turned and watched as the WEAPON tore apart the mountain and freed itself. Cloud turned back to Rufus.

"So you found another WEAPON·" Cloud began but Rufus cut him off.

"Another WEAPON? Keep watching Cloud," Rufus told the secret agent. Just then another portion of the mountain tore apart. A huge beak ripped through it's stone confines. A huge brass colored WEAPON clawed out of the mountain. Then on the other side of the mountain range, purple rays flashed through cracks in the mountain. A huge explosion rocked the mountain. Three purple crests jutted out from the rock. A blast of energy rocked the mountain again and sent debris flying in all directions.

"You've reactivated three WEAPONs?!!" Tifa screamed over the noise. "You are insane! You are going to kill us all!" Rufus turned to the bound martial artist. He put his hand on her face.

"Just watch," Rufus said smiling. He picked up a transmitter and spoke into the microphone. "Hojo, start phase three at Site B." Hojo flipped a switch and sent another bolt of energy flying towards the awakened WEAPONs. The energy hit the area and caused a huge blast of static discharge. The WEAPONs stopped in their tracks. The team stared in awe at the motionless WEAPONs.

"What are you tryin' to pull?" Cid shouted to Rufus. Rufus turned to face the bewildered pilot. "You couldn't have stopped those three WEAPONs with one wimpy shot! That blast wasn't even close to the one fired by the Mako Cannon!" Scarlet turned re d in the face.

"It's called the Sister Ray!" Scarlet shouted. Everyone stared at her and she slowly calmed down.

"I didn't damage them," Rufus continued after Scarlet's outburst. "Why would I want to hurt my new toys." The team stared at him as though that tin plate in his face was affecting his brain. "I'm controlling them!" Rufus said out loud to break the silence.

"Ohhhhhhhhh!" the team said in the understanding tone. Rufus nodded.

"So what are you going to do with 'em?" Cid asked the president. Rufus moved the control to his mouth and spoke into the transmitter.

"Hojo! Command the Amber WEAPON to attack Cloud, Tifa, Cid and Cait Sith." Rufus said menacingly.

"Hey!" Cait Sith yelled. "I worked for you! This is the thanks I get!" Rufus sighed and spoke into the transmitter once again.

"Hojo, make sure the WEAPON destroys the stuffed animal first," Rufus commanded his scientist. Cid snickered in the background. In the ocean, the Amber WEAPON woke from it's stationary position and began to move towards the ship. Cid stopped laughi ng and looked in fright at the oncoming WEAPON. Cid's cigarette fell from his mouth and lit his jacket on fire. A Shin-ra soldier walked over with a fire extinguisher and put it out. Cd thanked him and then turned his attention back to the slowly advancin g WEAPON.

"Oh NO!!" Cloud gasped. "It's slowly advancing this way!" Cloud cried in horror. Cid began laughing again.

"By the time it get's here, Meteor will have crashed into us!" Cid smirked. Rufus cursed and then shouted something into the transmitter. The WEAPON activated it's propulsion jets on it's back and began to advance towards them at a much faster rate . Cloud fainted but Cid kicked him up.


"Oh dear," Red 013 watched the WEAPON advance towards the ship. "This doesn't seem like a good thing." Yuffie was still absorbed in the strategy guide.

"Did you know you can steal Imp's Armor from Tyranosaurs," Yuffie told the impatient Vincent. Vincent, which had been listening to this for about half an hour, decided he had enough.

"Yuffie..." he said very politely. Yuffie looked up at the secret agent.

"Yes?" she said admiring his respect towards her.

"SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!" Vincent shouted knocking Yuffie down. He looked back at the advancing WEAPON.

"Barret, order in Highwind!" Vincent shouted to Barret. Barret nodded and picked up a walkie talkie.

"Send Highwind in to pick up da team!" he shouted into the walkie talkie. Highwind flew up overhead above them and aimed towards the ship and the WEAPON.

"Do you think that Highwind can get close enough to help them?" Aeris asked. Worry on her face.

"Iām heading out!" Vincent shouted and ran towards Hojo and his equipment. Aeris gasped and hesitated. Then she followed. Barret shrugged and looked at Red 013.

"I guess that meanās us too," Barret told the lion creature. He nodded. Barret rushed out and chased after his colleagues. Red 013 looked at Yuffie who was still reading the strategy guide. He grabbed her by the arm and began dragging her along.

"Hey, they didnāt say anything about me going out there!" Yuffie protested but Red 013 didnāt listen to the complaints of the ninja. The army arrived in front of the mad scientist.

"Youāre madness ends here!" Vincent cried at his most hated foe. Hojo looked up at them amusingly.

"You fools, once again I have the edge!" Hojo gave a maniacal laugh. "If you kill me, who will run the controls for the WEAPONs? You certainly donāt know how to run this equipment. And the WEAPONs have been programmed to attack you. You cannot change that." Vincent returned his Death Penalty to itās holster. He glared at Hojo and watched the WEAPON head toward the ship. The Highwind was just nearing the ship.


"Hey Cloud!" a pilot from the Highwind shouted down. "Get ready too·" the pilot either didnāt finish or was drowned out by the WEAPONās attack. A huge blast fired from the Amber WEAPONās back cannons. Six projectiles shot near t he Highwind which barely managed to dodge them. The pilots ran to the third lever Cid had installed near the other two. A pilot pulled the lever and a huge groan came from the top of the airship. Two cannons appeared at the sides of the Highwind. Cidās fa ce was plastered to the right one. Cait Sith frowned at Cid who looked proud at his work.

"Can you any bigger of an ego!" Cait Sith spat at the pilot. Cid cursed at the talking cat and continued to admire his work.

"Fire!!" a pilot shouted to his accomplices. The cannons unleashed a barrage of energy on the WEAPON. The energy slammed into the WEAPON. The WEAPON remained still.

"Omega Absorbtion," the WEAPON registered on Hojoās controls. "Re-channeling attack." The energy flowed up into the WEAPONās six arched cannons which were symmetrically placed on the WEAPONās back. The WEAPON fired again at the Highwind. The Highwind took a hit and leaned to itās side.

"Weāve got to retreat!" the pilot swore. The Highwind turned around and blasted away from the WEAPON. The WEAPON continued itās travel towards the ship.

"Weāve got to get off this ship," Cloud muttered. The Shin-ra soldiers had begun to become uncomfortable with the approaching colossus. Many had swarmed below deck. Cloud spun around and found the Gold Chocobos. They were tied near Rufus who was watching the advancing WEAPON. "I have an idea," he said to Cid. He moved towards the chocobos.

"Level 4 Suicide!" He shouted. Two fuses streamed towards the two chocobos. A huge explosion rocked the area. The chocobos went berserk and attacked the nearest thing in sight, Rufus. First they Chocobuckled the daylights out of the presi dent. Unfortunately, Rufus had forgotten to wear his Enemy Skill Materia, so he couldnāt take advantage of the opportunity. Then, they jumped onto him and began pecking him in the head and chest.

"Hey get off of me!" Rufus snapped to the angered chocobos. The enraged president fell down as the chocobos broke from their restrains. Cloud grabbed Goldie and Cid grabbed Goldfeather. Tifa hopped on behind Cloud and Cait Sith tried his best to fit on with Cid. The agents led the chocobos off the boat and raced towards land. The WEAPON, now confused by the absence of his victims began scanning the area.


"Wooheehoo· Wooheehoo!" Vincentās chocobo radar started to go off. He reached into his seemingly endless inventory and pulled out the device. It showed the map and displayed the two dots, chocobos, heading towards them.

"Hey," Vincent told the rest of the team. "The chocobos are coming this way!" Hojo was busy trying to reconfigure the WEAPONs actions and didnāt notice the groupās discovery. The chocobos tramped into the area carrying the rest of the team. The team dismounted off of the chocobos and gathered.

"Why did I have to ride that fat #$%@ and Cloud got to ride with the #$%*@!!" Cid complained. Tifa warded off the remark but Cait Sith was deeply hurt.

"I donāt mean to be big· Iām just built that way·" Cait Sith whined. Yuffie wanted to hit him for no apparent reason but Vincent got a hold of her.

"Letās get out of dis mess!" Barret shouted. Highwind reappeared over the team and a rope ladder swung down. The team filed onto the ship and the a crate lowered for the two chocobos. Vincent locked the chocobos into the crate safely and then climbed the ladder up to the Highwind. The crate with the chocobos was brought up and the Highwind flew off. Hojo watched them leave, but he was more concerned with the WEAPONs to care. He had just ordered his next target.

"Crystal WEAPON·" Hojo said to himself. "Go to your next target· The Crater." The giant WEAPON woke from its stationary position and began moving towards the the Northern Continent.


The team paced sadly across the damaged deck of the Highwind. The team had found their designated spots and were busy contemplating the situation. Cid, who wanted to take action for the damage done to his beloved ship called the team together.

"Weāve got to fight back against those damn WEAPONs!" Cid shouted to the team.

"But how?" Aeris asked. "We could barely handle the others· These WEAPONs seem to be more advanced."

"They must be in the next American version," Cait Sith commented. "Final Fantasy International: English translation." Vincent was about to hit the oversized stuffed animal but decided it wouldnāt do anything for him.

"Well we canāt run forever!" Cid shouted. A transmission came over the radio.

"Youāre right! You canāt!!" Scarlet called over the radio. Another airship came up beside the Highwind. The Scarlet reared its pink and red frame next to the Highwind. Scarlet appeared on deck with Heiddeger. She made a gesture to the tea m. She pointed to them and then pointed to the ground. Yuffie ran over to the railing to see what was there. Red 013 cursed and banged his head against the side of one of the control panels. Yuffie, disappointed that nothing was there, returned back next to Vincent. Heiddeger gave his horse laugh and pointed towards the horizon. A huge shadow fell over the Highwind. Then, Amber WEAPON appeared into view. He headed straight for the Highwind. The Amber WEAPON shone in the sunlight with itās amber shell and bronze framing. It had jagged claws and a huge tail with a pincer on the end. It had red eyes and a huge crest on itās head. The six cannons attached to itās back were charged and ready to fire.

"Stop this thing!" Cid shouted referring to the Highwind. "Weāre gonna fight it!" The team pulled out their materia and prepared for battle.

Amber WEAPON fired a barrage of energy bolts at the team. Yuffie, Barret and Red 013 were knocked off their feet. Vincent, who was the only one who could reach, fired at the monstrosity. Very little damage was inflicted. The WEAPON swung itās huge tail and attacked Cloud with a large pincer. Cloud blocked the blow but took a lot of damage. Tifa cast Ultima with Quadra Magic on the WEAPON. The team slipped into a few radiation suits on deck and placed on protective glasses.

"Safety first," Cait Sith warned. Four blasts of energy rocked the area. What seemed like nuclear radiation, rocked the area. The WEAPON took a considerable amount of damage. The team quickly removed the suits and resumed the battle. The WEAPON, now threatened by this nuisance used itās most devastating attack. "Generations Gone," registered on Hojoās WEAPON panel. A huge beam of light shined on Tifa. Tifa tried to run but froze in place. A huge shell of amber formed around her. Orange and brown sparks floated around Tifaās enclosure. Yuffie went and knocked on the amber.

"Gee, sheās rock solid!" Yuffie shouted to the team. The WEAPON loomed closer to the airship. Cloud, who had built up his limit break, was now ready to use it.

"Omnislash!" Cloud shouted. Orange light flowed around him. He raised his Ultima Sword in the air and wind gushed around him. Celestial colors shined over his sword. He ran up to the WEAPON and delivered blow after blow to the enormous cr eature. Cloud finally finished his attack and returned to his friends. The WEAPON had taken a mess of damage, but still remained intact. The WEAPON attacked again. "Ancient Pain." A huge tempest flew across the deck. Shards of amber prism jabbed at the team and the crew followed by lightning strikes. The team took a world of damage. Aeris took this time to use her limit break.

"Pulse of Life!" she shouted. A limit break no one seemed to get to see. She threw her stick to the side and prayed to her unknown God. Rays of light poured down on the party, recovering all the damage. Tifa still remained in her amber st ate, but Aeris didnāt mind. Yuffie removed a can from her inventory. The can read, "Obey your thirst, Hero Drink!" Yuffie snapped the can open and drained the contents down her throat.

"Alright!!" Yuffie shouted. "My turn!! All Creation!!" She put her cross up to her face and lowered it to her chest. She raised it in front of her and sent a huge blast of energy at Amber WEAPON. The WEAPON took more damage. He swung at her with his massive claws, but Yuffie managed to dodge them.

"We have to finish this!" Red 013 shouted. He ran up to where Vincent was standing. He fitted a comb into his hair and prepared to jump attack the WEAPON. He had equipped Long Range, which took forever to look for because no one seemed to use it often.

"Hah! What are you going to do? Comb him to death!" Cid shouted as Red 013 approached the monster. He used his powerful hind legs to launch himself in the air. He did his famous somersault and slashed the WEAPON with his comb. Red 013 jum ped down off the WEAPON. His comb was still caught in the WEAPONās face. "Ooooooh! I bet heās scared now. You really showed him!" Cid ranked on the lion creature. But it didnāt seem to bother him. A smile spread across his lion face. The WEAPON examined the embedded comb and saw it as no threat. He was stretching to attack the team when a huge explosion emitted from the comb. The explosion instantly ripped off his upper torso and head. The WEAPON fell from the sky and crashed into the ocean. The Scarlet, which had realized it lost, quickly rushed off. Red 013 turned at his friends. Cid, Cloud and most of the rest of the team had their mouths open in awe. Yuffie was busy looking for a comb so she could try that on a WEAPON.


Cloud, Barret, and Cid eventually managed to break Tifa out of her prison. The amber cracked and shattered after Barret had been drilling it apart. The team was on the search for the remaining WEAPONs. The team had healed themselves up after the ba ttle and were ready for another battle if it were to come.

"Where are those #$^%@!" Cid shouted in disgust. They had traveled most of the world. "These things are 50 foot tall or more. How is it we canāt find one!"

"We can follow the path of destruction!" Cait Sith shouted. He ran over to the railing and looked out. Cid slammed the controls.

"You #$%@! Weāre over water!! What path of destruction are we going to look for!!" Cid shouted at the stuffed animal. Just then, the radio turned on and a transmission came through.

"Greetings," Rufusā voice came over the radio. "I bet youāre looking for the WEAPONs arenāt you?"

"Noooo!" Yuffie shouted. Cid slapped her in the head before Vincent got a chance to. Rufus disregarded the remark.

"Where havenāt you looked?" Rufus mocked over the radio.

"Letās see, another CD maybe, another fanfic, another game. Oh! I bet they went to Chrono Trigger. Theyād like it there!" Red 013 pointed to his head and Cloud banged it with the dull of his sword.

"No, itās where your final destination is·" Rufus hinted.

"The Crater·" the team trailed off.


A huge storm was passing the crater as the huge Crystal WEAPON came into view. His body was encased in a metallic silver. An eerie green light poured from his eyes. He had huge armor and giant claws. A huge cannon was embedded into itās chest. It s lowly hovered towards the crater with itās jet capabilities. The WEAPON arrived in front of the crater and opened itās shoulder cannons. It aimed at the crater and began firing. "Prism Blast," registered on the battle commands. Two huge waves of blue energy fired at the crater. The force field, which once protected the crater, was the only protection the crater had. The crater took a stream of damage from the blasts. The Higihwind raced towards the crater and saw the attacking Crystal WEAPON.

"Hey!" Cloud shouted. "If he destroys the crater, then maybe the Meteor, Sephiroth and Jenova will be destroyed too!" Cloud would have wanted to fight Sephiroth himself but, he was glad someone was doing it. The WEAPON swung itā s claws and ripped off a chunk of the crater. Suddenly something floated up from the middle of the crater. It was Sephiroth. The team gasped at the sight of the powerful character. The Crystal WEAPON glanced up at the threat.

"Whatās going on! You donāt look like Cloud!" Sephiroth shouted at the WEAPON. The WEAPON prepared his center cannon. "Plasma Ray," registered on Hojoās controls. A huge white blast emitted from his chest and blasted Sephiroth. Sephiroth seemed to take little damage. He pulled out his sword and prepared for battle. The WEAPON fired at Sephiroth and swung itās massive claws. Sephiroth dodged the attacks easily. He struck the monster with his Masamune.

"How does he keep gettinā dat sword!" Barret growled. "He leaves the damn thing everywhere, yet he always has it!" Sephiroth reached into his cloak and pulled out something. It was the Black Materia.

"I wonder if the Black Materia has a smooth creamy red filling," Cait Sith commented. "I mean it is a summon materia." The team was to ensnared in the battle to mind Cait Sithās stupid comment.

"Super Nova!" Sephiroth shouted. The whole amazing cinema of Super Nova popped up. The team watched the spectacular display of colors and graphics. Cid was munching on some popcorn and Cait Sith and Yuffie had put on 3-D glasses. When the summon was over, the team clapped. Sephiroth took a bow and then jumped on the weakened WEAPON and tore it apart with his Masamune. The WEAPON groaned and wailed in pain and flew off. But it didnāt get very far before the WEAPON fell apart and collapsed into the ocean.

"Wow Sephiroth must be at level 9,999 now!" Red 013 told the group. A huge black flash engulfed the group. It came from where Sephiroth had been floating. The energy engulfed the area. As soon as it appeared, the strange energy dissipated . The team looked at Sephiroth who was laughing. Sephiroth threw something at the team. It smashed into Cloudās face.

"Owww·" Cloud groaned. "Why does he keep doing that!" Cloud got up and looked at whatever had hit him. He gasped and picked up the projectile. It was the Black Materia, but it was glowing oddly. Cloud looked back at Sephiroth. S ephiroth held another piece of Black Materia in his hand. He bowed and descended back into the crater. The team looked in awe at the new piece of materia.

"Sephiroth mastered the Black Materia·" Aeris said slowly.


"Ho Ho Hooo, What can I do for you secret folks!" Bugenhagen laughed at the team of heroes. Vincent walked up to the maintainer of the Cosmo Canyon research facility.

"Bugenhagen, we need you to analyze this," Vincent said and held out the Black Materia. Bugenhagen picked up the piece of materia.

"How did you get this?" Bugenhagen asked the team. Vincent related the entire story to the old man. At least, they thought he was a man. The entire concept of him being Red 013ās grandfather was still confusing. Bugenhagen picked up the m ateria and brought it to a nearby microscope. He studied it for a few moments and returned to the group. "This is indeed a new piece of materia from the mastered Black Materia. But, it is highly unstable. The Black Materia was never meant to be maste red." Bugenhagen picked up the materia and brought it to the group. "You only have a few hours before this materia self-destructs. Find a desolate place to get rid of it. This piece of materia is practically a time bomb!"

"How long do we have before the materia self-destructs?" Cloud asked.

"About a few hours," Bugenhagen replied. The team gathered toward the center of the room.

"We must get rid of this materia and stop the Amethyst WEAPON," Tifa told the team. Cloud nodded.

"We should deal with the WEAPON first, before Rufus finds anything else to do with it," Cloud replied. The team agreed and headed for the Highwind. Yuffie walked out with the Huge Materia bulging out of her pockets. Bugenhagen reprimanded her and made her give it up.


"Whatās wrong!" Rufus shouted at Hojo. "Why isnāt the WEAPON responding?" Rufus paced back and forth.

"I donāt know. I believe that the energy disturbance by the crater has altered the Amethyst WEAPONās brainwaves. Remember Rufus, they may look like oversized robots, but they are actually living, sentient creature," Hojo explained to the president. "If you would have let me study them, I could have done even more with them!" Rufus walked over to the monitors.

"Where is it headed?" Rufus asked. Hojo typed into the keyboard. And a visual came up. It showed a satellite image of the WEAPON and the mainland.

"It is headed for the resort town, Costa Del Sol," Hojo murmured. Rufus looked shocked.

"My Summer Home!!" Rufus shouted. "We have to stop it immediately!" Rufus took out his PHS and ordered the Turks, Scarlet, Heiddeger, and the Shin-ra military to set up at the beach of Costa Del Sol. He then called the team of h eroes.


The radio once again sent a transmission to the team. The team had been searching for the remaining WEAPON. They had only an hour and change before the Black Materia exploded.

"Cloud, Vincent, anyone!!" Rufus shouted over the radio. "If you want to prevent destruction, come to Costa Del Sol immediately!" The radio immediately switched off. Barret scratched his head and shrugged.

"Do we really gotta help dem Shin-ra jerks?" Barret asked Cloud. Cloud nodded and motioned to Cid to head to Costa Del Sol.

"We may not like the Shin-ra, but innocent lives are at stake," Cloud said defiantly. "Besides, I also wanted a Mog ice cream cone."


The Amethyst WEAPON approached the waters of Costa Del Sol. Itās purple armor glinted in the sun. It had two cannons on itās arms and a giant tail. It had a three piece crest on itās head. Itās armor was made of chunks and prisms of amethyst. A hug e piece of crystal jutted from the WEAPONās chest. Itās eyes were glowing a deep violet. The tourists screamed at the sight of the huge monster. They began to make a mad dash towards the inn. A woman tried to flee but got her foot stuck in a white synthet ic band chair. She struggled to unlatch her sandal until she froze as the giant WEAPON stepped onto shore. The WEAPON roared and shot a huge flame over the beach. The WEAPON came close to stepping on the trapped girl when the Highwind fired a huge blast a t it. The WEAPON was knocked off itās feet. Vincent and Cloud parachuted down as the Highwind landed somewhere behind them. Vincent went and tore the bands off the chair. The girl kissed Vincent for his kind act and ran for cover. Cloud growled at him.

"Itās about time," Vincent bragged to Cloud. The WEAPON got up and started marching towards the two agents.

"Weāre never gonna beat this thing·" Cloud moaned.

"Never Say Never Again!" Vincent shouted as they dodged an incoming fireball. The WEAPON swung itās tail, crushing a building. The team ran up behind him. Tifa had changed into a bikini outfit. Aeris was making faces to Tifaās back and w hispering to Red 013. Cait Sith slowed up behind them and made a mischievous laugh. He pulled out a piece of red materia. The inscription "Bahamut ZERO" was etched into it.

"Bahamut ZERO!" Cait Sith shouted and lifted up the piece of red materia.

"Tera er· Terra Flare!" Bahamut ZERO called. Bahamut ZERO circled the world. He flung his tail side to side and accidentally smashed the Hubbell Space Telescope. "Ooops, My bad·" Bahamut ZERO said to himself. He charged up his l aser and fired down on the planet.

"No one is that accurate·" Aeris commented. The beam shot down and missed the WEAPON. Instead, it blew up Rufusā Summer Home.

"Noooooooooooooo!" Rufus cried in horror.

"Oh man, thatās gonna come out of my paycheck·" ZERO groaned. The Turks, Scarlet, Hojo and Heiddeger ran up behind the team. Rufus ran to his destroyed summer home. Hojo was fiddling with something on his laptop computer.

"Weāll take it from here!" Reno shouted. The team prepared for another fight.

"Cloud, you, Cid, Barret and Cait Sith hold off the WEAPON. Weāll take care of these guys," Vincent commanded his partner. The team ran off, Hojo followed with Scarlet and Heiddeger.

"You canāt beat us!" Elena shouted. Reno frowned.

"Donāt be so·" Reno started. Elena turned around and gave him the finger. Reno pulled out his cane. Rude and Tseng readied their guns. Vincent pulled out the bottle and threw it into the Turk crowd. It exploded and released a gas.

"Accck! Turk repellent!" Tseng shouted. Reno cried as her hair lost itās style. Elena coughed and nearly collapsed.

"Well, umm· Scarlet can take it from here," Tseng moaned. Reno looked at his watch and waved good bye. Yuffie, honored by the gesture, waved back. Red 013 looked for something to slam his head on. Rude brushed off his favorite sleeve and ran. Tseng tucked his gun in his coat pocket and gestured Elena to retreat. Elena fixed her hair and then followed. Vincent wiped his hands and looked for his team to assemble to find Scarlet and Heiddeger. He saw Cloud, Cid, and Cait Sith heading towards the WEAPON. The Shin-ra were right behind them. Vincent and the rest of the team rushed after the advancing Shin-ra.


"Laser Emission," Hojo read on the WEAPONās attack list in his computer. The WEAPON fired a laser down at Cloud and the rest of the team. A huge flame engulfed them. Scarlet and Heiddeger had removed hand lasers and were firing at the WEAPON. The WEAPON swung itās tail and knocked them down. Vincent ran to face the WEAPON. He looked back to find the rest of the team, but all that was there was Red 013 and Yuffie.

"Where is Aeris and Tifa?" Vincent asked the talking lion creature. Red 013 shrugged with his lion body.


Tifa lifted a bottle of the Turk Repellent.

"One bottle of this ought to kill you!" she muttered to herself. She looked down at Vincent who was aiming at the WEAPON. She lifted the bottle in the air and was ready to toss it down.

"Not so fast!" Aeris screamed. She charged Tifa and knocked her down. Tifa glared at the one who had thwarted her carefully thought out plan.

"Why did you stop me?!" Tifa shouted at Aeris. Aeris got up and brushed off her pink dress.

"Why were you trying to off Vincent?" Aeris replied.

"You know why!! If Vincent is knocked out of the story, then Cloud will be the main character. And I will be able to be his partner!" Tifa yelled at Aeris.

"Youāre sick! No one is that demented. Of course· Someone who changes into a bikini when on a deadly mission may be demented after all·" Tifa had enough of Aeris. She kicked her sandals off and got ready to kick the $#)^! out of her. Tifa lunged forward. Aeris managed to dodge. Aeris grabbed her by the hair and pulled as hard as she could. Tifa screamed and turned around to slap her. Aeris was knocked back. Tifa went to kick her in the chest. Aeris managed to grab her foot and knock her o ff balance. Tifa leapt forward and tripped Aeris. Aeris fell back with a thud. Tifa and Aeris rolled across the building top pulling and scratching at each other. In the background, Vincent and Cloud are still busy fighting Amethyst WEAPON. Ultima, Meteor ain, Comet 2 and many other spells rocked the battle field. Amethyst WEAPON was getting its hits in too with "Laser Emission" and "Flash Fire." The "Flash Fire" sent a wave of flame and pain at Cloud, Vincent and Cid. Scarlet and Heiddeger were hiding and taking a few shots occasionally. Tifa started with her long chain of limit breaks.

"Beat Rush!" Tifa was running up to Aeris when she stepped on a piece of glass. She fell to the ground and rubbed her cut foot. Aeris watched as Tifa pulled out a medi-care kit and mended the wound. Aeris even helped put the band-aid on.< /P>

"Now, where were we·" Aeris started. Aeris jumped onto Tifa and started banging her head against the building. After numerous tossing and turning, Aeris and Tifa made a wrong turn and fell straight off the building into a pile of laundry from the hotel. Everyone stared at the continuing battle, even Amethyst WEAPON. Yuffie cheered and waved a pennant in the background. Cait Sith had his video camera out. Vincent, who was mildly amused by all the fighting felt a vibration in his pocket. He pulled out the Black Materia and stared at it.

"Uh Oh·" Vincent gasped at the vibrating materia. He had to find a place to put it. He looked around and saw the towering Amethyst WEAPON. "Mmmm, that might work!" The Amethyst WEAPON, who was deeply drawn to the cat fight, had what seemed to be his mouth wide open. He looked at the fighting match. He walked over to the battle. "Just keep distracting the WEAPON," he told the two fierce combatants. He looked up and shoved the materia into his gun. "Hope this works· " He aimed at the WEAPONās mouth and pulled the trigger. The materia sailed into the WEAPONās mouth. The WEAPON roared and then groaned. Everyone stopped and looked to the WEAPON. The WEAPON backed up and seemed to sag. A huge explosion emitted from the stunned WEAPON. The WEAPON was engulfed in darkness. The darkness disappeared and the WEAPONās remains floated out into the ocean. Everyone clapped for Vincent except for Tifa who was crying in a towel she had found in the laundry.


A few weeks later, everything has been resolved. Tifa was inducted into the secret agency, much under Aerisā regrets. Cait Sith won the Funniest Home Videos with his tape of Aeris and Tifa. Rufus had disappeared again along with the Turks, Scarlet, Heiddeger, and Hojo. Bahamut ZERO and Choco/Mog have been fined for damages, but you try to collect money from an insane moogle and a giant space dragon. Sephiroth sent E-mail saying that the materia was a free gift. He said if he killed two more WEAPONs , the team would get a Gold Chocobo that attacks people. Speaking of the Gold Chocobos, they are now safe and sound in the Chocobo stables. Chocobo Billy has been armed with an AK-47 incase the Turks ever return. Well thatās it, this ends the movie.

 

James Bond Theme cues up·

 


This story was inspired by actual events. Everything, no matter how stupid it was is true. Even Vincent walking into the closet.

This fanfic has been altered from its original format to fit the publicās entertainment. Here is the list of cuts.

 

  1. Amethyst WEAPON was supposed to have an attack called "Pearl Jam Storm."
  2. Mog and his chocobo were supposed to sing a song at the end of the fanfic. Cut because of low budgets.
  3. Tifa and Aeris were supposed to have ten more fights.
  4. Rufus was supposed to be resurrected by Zeromus
  5. Reeve was supposed to be in this fanfic but he was asking for too much, so we told where to stick it.
  6. The WEAPONs were supposed to combine to form the Super Mega Ultimate Zord.
  7. Numerous characters from Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy 3 were supposed to cameo.
  8. We were going to introduce the chartreuse materia.
  9. Cloud was supposed to get an ice cream cone. Flavor: Ultimate Blend
  10. We were supposed to resurrect Aeris, but too many people have done it for us

 

If you have any questions or comments about my writings, please e-mail me at Geode013@aol.com. Any comments about my writing, good or bad, are greatly appreciated. The sequel to this fanfic, "Final Fantasy 007: Jenova Never Dies," should be on the net soon! Look for my other works.

 

-The Mock Materia List

-The Lost Years: Final Fantasy 3

-"Where do Summoned Monsters Come From?"

 

This fanfic was written by Christopher La Bianca AKA "Geode." I give a whole heck of a lot of thanks to my friend, David Kowarsky AKA "Khryos." Well, see you in the next fanfic.

 

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