The Worst Final Fantasy Fanfic Ever

by Brian Sebby,

It was Christmas on the Starship Enterprise, when suddenly, with a burst of light in the shuttlebay, Cloud appeared! He looked at his surroundings for a moment, until without warning, an eerie sound appeared and Cloud started to go mad. As he crouched on the floor holding his head, some white text appeared above him claiming he was a puppet or somesuch. At that same time, more bursts of light appeared! From those bursts of light came Edgar, Cecil, Crono, Terra, a wide variety of Cids, Rudy Roughnight, the Hero from Suikoden, Aeris, Edward, Rydia, Sabin, Tifa, Ramza, and a host of other characters from every RPG ever made. Suddenly, Edgar noticed Cloud's condition.

"Look here, everyone! Cloud's in trouble!" he shouted, "I guess you know what we have to do!"

"Yes," the other characters agreed in unison, "Have graphic sex!"

And so they did. They did *censored* and *censored*. Someone did *censored*. And yet another character did *censored*. Across the shuttlebay, someone shouted, "SQ-SQ-SQUARESOFT!!". Someone else sighed, "Hmmm... the readers...".

But before they could finish, the door to the shuttlebay flew open! Standing in the doorway were Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Special Agent Fox Mulder, and Captain John Sheridan, dressed in a Santa costume.

"Stop that this instant!" commanded Picard, "I need all of you characters to work together to stop the evil being who brought all of you here to fight him!"

"Yeah," continued Mulder, "He, and the Truth, are waiting in the holodeck."

"Ho, ho, ho. If you go to the holodeck, you will die," said Captain Sheridan.

"Not again," mumbled Aeris.

The heroes rushed to the holodeck. Before them stood a, well, thing. A mishmash of every first final boss ever made, it shouted, "And now I, SephiKefkaZeroChaosZeikLavoBarbarAltimaGannonDolf, will destroy all of you!"

Edgar rushed at S.K.Z.C.Z.L.B.A.G.D., and shouting his fearsome battle cry of "Nyuk, nyuk, ahoooga!" formed his hands in the shape of a V and poked the monster in the eyes.

"OUCH!" shouted S.K.Z.C.Z.L.B.A.G.D.! "Behold my SECOND FORM!!"

He then reformed into a mishmash of every SECOND final boss from every RPG ever made.

One of the Cids grabbed a baseball bat, and hit S.K.Z.C.Z.L.B.A.G.D. over the head with a large "BOINK!" sound. "OW!" responded the monster. "That's it! Now you've made me mad! BEHOLD MY TRUE FORM!!!!"

With that, he turned into an angel. As everyone looked on with fear, Cloud stood up. He picked up his Buster Sword, looked his foe in the eye, and said, in a low voice, "It ends here."

With that, he set a cream pie on the end of the sword, and with a mighty heave, flung it at S.K.Z.C.Z.L.B.A.G.D.! It hit the creature right in the middle of its face, and caused the monster to start disintegrating!

"I'm melting, I'm melting! How can this be, I am invincible!!" cried SephiKefkaZeroChaosZeikLavoBarbarAltimaGannonDolf. "What a world, what a world......." he sighed as he faded away.

"You did it, Cloud!" cried one of the characters. (It was hard to tell who, since there were approximately 200 heroes in the holodeck.)

"Well, soitanly!" responded Cloud.

With that, everyone lived happily ever after.