Christopher La Bianca AKA Geode
Final Fantasy Farces, Fanfic # 30
::Jurassic Park introduction music cues up::
A brigade of Shin-ra soldiers silently watch as a huge crane is carrying in a huge metallic crate. They watch intently as the crate slowly lowers near a huge gate. Electric fences run from both sides of the gate. The soldiers stare with fear and caution. One of them blows a bubble gum bubble and pops it in another soldier's face. The soldier growls and kicks him in the side. Suddenly, the sound of clawed feet scratch from the crate.. A gleaming eye stares out into the party. The soldiers slowly approach the crate and begin to move it forward. Scarlet walks by and flashes a smile. One of the soldiers turn to see her and a snap is heard from the crate.
"Kuuuuuu..." the bird like growl sounded. It growled again.
"Hey! Shut up in there!" Heiddeger called from on top of the gate. Heiddeger waved his rifle at the troops. Cid smoked a cigarette while standing next to him. The roar sounded again.
"Shut the @#*&(*#%*($@(%^*#@()@#+*@)#!!" Cid shouted. The creature was silent, as were the Shin-ra troops. They continued to move the crate up to gate. It hit the side and clicked in.
"OK... the next victim, I mean... the Gate Keeper!" Cid shouted. One of the Shin-ra troops, the one that fell off of the Sister Ray in Junon, visibly terrorized, stepped from the ranks and climbed onto the crate. He reached for the lock.
"Prepare to let it loose," Scarlet hissed. The creature hissed as well.. The door swung open. The creature screeched and dashed out of the crate.. The crate was shoved back. The Gate Keeper screamed as he was tossed off the crate. He hit the ground with a thud and splashed mud all over Scarlet.
"You damn clutz!" Scarlet shouted. Suddenly, a beak shot out and grabbed the soldier's leg. He screamed as he was pulled into the pen's gate. Soldier's cried out warning and commands as the tried to help their doomed comrade.
"Shoot her!" Cid screamed. One of the Shin-ra soldiers smiled.
"Really? With pleasure!" the soldier turned around and zapped Scarlet with the electric prod. Scarlet screamed and collapsed. Cid tossed down his cigarette in frustration.
"Not him... As much as I enjoyed that!" Cid shouted. "That @^$#&# thing!" Cid leapt off the gate and grabbed the soldier's hand. "Hold on! Hold %&#*$(@ on!!" The soldier gasped as he slipped through Cid's clasp. Electric prods flared around the area as they fired at the creature hidden in the pen's interior.
"I'm... I'm done for Cid..." the soldier gasped.
"Don't say that... you &#*$!" Cid pulled harded.
"It's all right..." the soldier managed to say as he was sucked into the pen.
"Damn it! Shoot her!!" Cid screamed again. The creature's eye narrowed at Cid.
Meanwhile... In the middle of the Bone Village.
A blonde haired man crouched in the center of an excavation site.. Numerous women and men stood watching him. He stroked a fossil with a light brush, he had borrowed from Relm. The bones, now in full light after millions of years, gleamed in the sunlight. From the shape and orientation of the bones, they could all tell that it was an ancestor to the common day chocobo.
"Ahh... This is well preserved," Cloud smiled. He ran his finger over the fossil.
"Mr. Strife. We're ready to try again," Vicks called from behind him. Cloud got up from the excavation and turned to Biggs, Vicks, and Jessie. They led him to a tent a few paces from the fossils. Jessie held a device over the desert ground and positioned it. She flipped a few switches and it fired. Vicks groaned and collapsed.
"Whoops," Jessie blushed. Biggs walked over and dragged Vicks over to the infirmary tent. Jessie flipped the device over and tried again. A huge explosion was heard as the projectile fired into the ground. Jessie gestured behind Cloud to a monitor. Tifa was busy fiddling with a few of the knobs and dials. She sighed and a picture came up. The fossils of a prehistoric chocobo came up on the visual.
"This technology is so advanced, soon we won't even have to use 'Chocobo Find' materia anymore," Tifa excliamed. She turned the dial and the picture sharpened. Cloud walked up to the monitor.
"It's well preserved," Cloud nodded. "Look at the chocobo's entire body structure." Cloud put his finger on the monitor. The monitor blanked out. "Huh? Oh... I broke it! Just like I did those tapes in Gast's laboratory." Tifa scowled.
"Ahem... Remove your finger from the monitor Cloud," Tifa said sharply.. Cloud did so and the visual came back. Jessie giggled in the background..
"Don't worry Tifa. Cloud did the same thing to the Midgar display on the train," Jessie chimed. Cloud blushed and turned back to the screen. He narrowed his eyes on the bone structure.
"It's no wonder that these chocobos were carnivorous and could not fly," Cloud commented. Biggs coughed. Cloud turned around and pulled out his Ultima Weapon. "You think it's funny punk!?" Tifa waved her hands to Cloud. He let his blade fall.
"No... I just..." Biggs stuttered. Cloud growled.
"I believe that chocobos were not always herbivores. They're entire body structure and capabilities hint that they were once able to fight more aggressive prey. Not only to protect themselves, but to hunt." Cloud surveyed his audience. "These Velocichocos hunted in packs, unlike many chocobos of today. And we all know that only Black and Gold Chocobos have a limited flying capability, but we removed it when they're born to keep them tamed. These chocobos were not adapted to fly, but have the same characteristics of their kin."
"Meat eating chocobos? That's almost as funny as some of your stupid comments Cloud," a little girl walked out from the crowd. Cloud frowned at Marlene.
"You obviously don't believe my ideas then," Cloud raised an eyebrow at Marlene. Marlene grinned.
"Duh, of course not. My daddy says that chocobos were once ridden by something called MagiTek armor and they held crystals which led to a Tower of Bab-il where they could find the tree of Mana," Marlene retold Barret's original story.
"Well... Barret is missing a few screws, not only in his gun," Cloud grinned. Tifa elbowed him in the ribs. Marlene scowled at Cloud.
"Daddy knows a lot than you, you spiky headed jerk!" Marlene retorted. Cloud clenched his fists. He reached around his neck and pulled out a chocobo's claw. He shined in front of Marlene.
"You see this? This is a Velocichoco's claw. They used to use these when they picked off little girls in the forest. And you know how they did it? They'd lure you after one of them. You'd focus all your puny mind's attention on this one Velocichoco. But then, you realize that the attack isn't going to attack you, but his two friends will from the sides." Cloud raised the claw and swiped it as he spoke. "It'd slash you here. And here. And here! And here! Oh and they love this spot! Oh, and they can't wait to jab it here! Or what about straight up your..." Cloud was being dragged away by Tifa. "But the point is. That you'll be alive when they eat you! You can't escape them Marlene!! Uwahahaha!! They're coming for you! You'll never sleep again!" Tifa pulled him into the tent. Marlene was a pale white. Vicks walked up to her.
"Umm... Do you want to have lunch now or should we wait?" Vicks asked.
"You know Cloud... If you wanted to scare her, you could of just shot her with Vincent's gun or told her that she was another failed experiment of Prof. Hojo," Tifa growled. Cloud shrugged.
"I'm Cloud. Not Vincent! And besides... What fun is scaring her with the truth," Cloud grinned. His gaze suddenly caught a figure hovering in the sky. It loomed through the sun and was heading right for the excavation site.
"Hey? Isn't that the Highwind?" Cloud asked. The airship moved closer. Bones of the excavation site began to rattle and break apart.
"Cover the dig!" Cloud shouted to the diggers. They nodded and began to pull blankets over their recent work. Cloud turned around. "Hey! The Key to Sector-" Cloud didn't finish as the Key to Sector 5 smashed into his face. He fell onto his back and groaned. He got up and put the key in his pocket. He then watched as the Highwind landed on the opposite side of the excavation. Cloud slowly made his way through the camp and to his tent, where the Highwind had landed. He threw open the door and stepped inside.
"What the hell is going on?" Cloud shouted. Bugenhagen turned around and a cork flew from his wineglass. It smacked into Cloud's head and he stumbled backwards.
"Oh! Ho Ho Hoooooo! What a pleasant surprise Cloud!" Bugenhagen floated over with the bottle of wine. "Sorry about that." He examined the mark on Cloud's forehead.
"Bugenhagen? But I thought that you..." Cloud trailed off.
"Died! Ho Ho Hoooooooo! Oh boy! Everyone seems to die, but they always come back! Look at most of the cast of Final Fantasy 4 and 6! Except for Tellah... Poor guy, he's my bowling partner on the weekends you know."
"I see... Why did you come back then? I thought you had went away?" Cloud asked. Bugenhagen floated across the room and nodded.
"I did go away my friend, but not to disappear from the world forever. I was busy setting up a new study area of sorts on an island I purchased from the Shin-ra," Bugenhagen explained. "When I told them that Rufus' dying wish was to give me Knight's Island, how could they refuse?"
"That was his dying wish?" Cloud asked.
"Huh? Maybe... I can't remember... I wasn't there when he died you know. Ho Ho Hooo! Anyways, I've been busy hiring workers and setting up a type of ecological reserve. A type of park." Cloud scratched his head.
"Why would we need another park? We already have the Gold Saucer. If anything, Final Fantasy 4 needs a theme park. Oh wait... They have that strip club, never mind..." Cloud pulled out his Pass and tucked it back in his pocket. Bugenhagen floated back to Cloud.
"Ahh... But you see Cloud, this park will be unlike any other. That is the beauty of it," Bugenhagen explained. Just at this moment, Tifa burst in the tent.
"OK! Who do I have to Final Heaven now?" Tifa demanded. Her eyes met Cloud and the old floating man. Cloud walked over to a confused Tifa.
"Umm... Tifa. This is the late Bugenhagen. He was just telling me about a park he was working on..." Cloud quickly explained. Tifa narrowed her eyes.
"Anotehr park?! Oh! This means that I can go on a date with you instead of that ^#&$* Aeris," Tifa smiled. Bugenhagen poured the glasses.
"Actually, that's the reason I came here. I wanted you to come to my park for this weekend and give me your opinions on it. Of course, everything will be free of charge except for shipping and handling which will be 1,000,000 gil."
"Free eh? Sounds good. Wait, what do we need shipped?" Tifa asked.
"No time to explain that now," Bugenhagen handed out the glasses. "We must have a toast."
"To the Returners," Cloud suggested.
"To the Empire?" Tifa asked.
"I have it! To Square... Without there sick, twisted, and perverted minds, we'd never have characters like Tifa, Yuffie, and Cloud, or things like chocobos, moogles, and airships." Everyone toasted.
"I can drink to Tifa," Cloud drained his glass. Tifa frowned and grabbed the bottle out of Bugenhagen's hands.
"You know... I am a bartender... And that means I have the legal ability to start bar fights," Tifa broke the bottle on the table and pointed the broken bottle at Cloud. Cloud held up his hands.
"All right! I'll lay off the insult Tifa cracks!" Cloud pleaded. Tifa nodded and put the glass down. "I'll just insult someone easier... Like Yuffie."
Rufus walks into the Turtle's Paradise. He's dressed in tourist clothing and is wearing a pair of shades. He brushes his hair back and pats the suitcase he is carrying at his side. His eyes narrow on the materia hunter in the corner of the room. Yuffie looks up and catches a glimpse of the president.
"Oh! Hey Mr. President!" Yuffie cries and waves her arms. Rufus frowns and walks over to the table. Rufus sits down in front of Yuffie, his face a frown.
"I'd rather you didn't call me that. People may suspect something," Rufus growled.
"Like we..." Yuffie began.
"No. No one has that much of an imagination," Rufus quickly cut off Yuffie. "At least I hope no one does..." He sets the suitcase in front of Yuffie and presents a load of gil.
"Woohooo!" Yuffie screams. "I'm rich! Richer than Bill Gates!" Rufus narrows his eyes further.
"You'll get your second payment when we receive the materia pieces. 1,000,000 gil for each recovered materia," Rufus continued.
"Don't worry! I'm the master materia hunter! I'll get them all," Yuffie hugged the suitcase. She stopped for a moment. "I'm wondering... If you guys are the one providing the scientists and some of the monetary, why don't you just take the materia?" Rufus frowned.
"I may be providing the technology, but Bugenhagen has custody over the park and all the scientific experimentation," Rufus growled. "That's why it's necessary for you to recover the materia." He pulls out a can of Hero Drink. "You can use this to store the shards. It'll give them adequate capacity to keep the mako energy from depleting." Yuffie grabbed it from Rufus as it popped open. Yuffie scanned it over.
"What if they want to see if it's real and open it?" Yuffie asks. Rufus shrugged.
"Tell them it's Mountain Dew or something," Rufus got up from the table.
"Hmm... That'll work..." Yuffie hopped up from her chair and began towards the door with her suitcase.
"Oh! And Yuffie..." Rufus began. Yuffie turned. "Zip up your fly please."
::Jurassic Park Theme cues in::
The Highwind soared over the ocean and onward to Knight's Island. Cloud, Tifa, Bugenhagen, Cait Sith, and Vincent sat across from each other in the discussion room in the Highwind.
"So what are you doing here cat? Going to spy on Bugenhagen's attraction," Cloud looked over to the ex-Shin-Ra executive. Cait Sith narrowed his eyes.
"Cloud. I'm offended that you always think of that when you see me," Cait Sith frowned. Then he looked at the floor. "Well... Yes. I'm here to spy for the Shin-ra and the Gold Saucer. I'm supposed to tell Dio if this park will cause competition. And I have to tell the Shin-ra if their investment was well worth it." Cloud blinked his eyes.
"For an ex-spy, you awfully get a lot of business," Tifa commented. Cait Sith grinned.
"I put an ad in the Yellow Pages," Cait Sith pulled out an ad. Cloud grabbed it.
"Cait Sith. If you need someone to blend in and find something out, I'm your man. I also do affairs, crimes in progress, and seeking out missing persons," Tifa read. "Gee... How much are the affairs. I may need you Aeris..." Cloud glared at Tifa. "What? Everyone knows you're... um... not very trustworthy..." Cloud continued to glare. Vincent coughed.
"Gee Cloud... Did you really do anything illegal in that gondola with Aeris?" Cait Sith asked. Vincent coughed again.
"I simply when on the ride with Aeris. Nothing else! And you're the spy aren't you?" Cloud returned a glance to Cait Sith. Vincent coughed again.
"You really should see a doctor about that cough Vincent," Cait Sith turned to the man. Vincent growled.
"Ahem... Don't you care why I'm here?" Vincent asked.
"No," Cloud replied.
"Not particularly," Cait Sith nodded.
"Well... I want the readers to know!" Vincent retorted. Cait Sith laughed.
"Oh they don't need to know! All of them saw the movie. Besides, you're suppose be the silent character," Cait Sith replied. Bugenhagen smiled.
"Vincent here is a mathematician. He's coming to-" Bugenhagen began.
"I'm a chaostician!" Vincent called. "I specify in the transforming effects of monsters," Vincent threw his cape aside. "I'm here to prove that Bugenhagen's park is going to flop like EuroDisney."
"Nonsense! Everyone knows that no one would write a story about a failed theme park," Bugenhagen replied. He suddenly floats up from his chair. "There it is!"
Knight's Island came into the distance. It's broad mountain border was covered in a deep mist. A jungle canopy covered much of the interior of the island.
"The Shin-ra gave me the island much cheaper than I had thought. I think the reason was that the Knights of the Round materia was already gone," Bugenhagen added.
"Heh! I beat 'em all too it!" Cloud fashioned the bright red summon materia.
The Highwind floated over the island. It began it's decline.
"The landing is a bit rough, seeing you originally couldn't land here, so you'll need your seat belts fastened," Bugenhagen nodded. The Highwind shook violently.
"Umm... There are no seat belts on the Highwind," Cait Sith looked around the room.
"!!!!" Vincent screamed.
"Now I know why Cid cursed in the ending FMV!" Cloud was thrown across the room. "Where the #^$& is that Emergency Lever when you need it!" The Highwind hovered down to the Airship Pad. Bugenhagen got up from the mess of the discussion room and floated out of the hatch. A Shin-ra troop helped him out of the plane. A finely crafted cane tapped the ground, encrusted with a piece of yellow command materia. Bugenhagen glanced around the island paradise. Cloud, Tifa, Cait Sith, and Vincent walked out behind him.
"I think I'm going to be sick!" Cloud ran behind the helicopter.
"!!!!" Vincent groaned. Two Shin-ra jeeps pulled up near the heliport. Bugenhagen gestured for them to find seats in the jeeps. Cloud returned, his face pale green, not matching his Mako Blue eyes, and found a seat.
"Ho Ho Hoooooo! Please don't throw up on my new interior," Bugenhagen told Cloud harshly. Cloud nodded and the two vans drove off. Shin-ra guards opened up the gates as they sped through. They quickly closed them and returned to their intent game of Final Fantasy 7. One guard was racing in the chocobo race, while the others watched.
"No! Youāre using too much stamina! Pull back!" one guard commented.
"Don't listen to him! Give her full throttle!" the other guard added.
"You saying I'm wrong?" the other guard narrowed his eyes.
"Yes," the guard replied. He screamed and lunged at him.
"Hey! Someone help me! I think I'm going the wrong way! I just crashed into a clam and my chocobo is laughing at me!" the guard cried.
The jeeps roared down the field and across the paved path. Tifa was busy examining a greens specimen she had pulled off a branch during the drive. Bugenhagen saw what he was looking for and gestured to the driver.
"Stop here!" Bugenhagen commanded. The drivers both halted their jeeps.. Bugenhagen pointed forward. Cloud made no response. Bugenhagen frowned and turned to Cloud.
"Damn Rubik's cube! I'll show you!" Cloud shouted. He banged it against the door. Bugenhagen tapped him. "It wasn't me!" Cloud screamed. Bugenhagen frowned.
"Cloud. Look," Bugenhagen whispered. Cloud looked up. His jaw fell. His eyes fixed on something huge ahead of them. A few tremors shook the ground. Meanwhile, Tifa was busy studying the piece of ancient green.
"This doesn't make sense Cloud. The Chocobo Sage had all specimens of greens. How could these greens just appear from no where? Unless, he was holding out on us, and then we'll have to kick his..." Clloud began tapping Tifa rapidly. (Don't worry, he was tapping her shoulder.) Tifa looked up and followed Cloud's gaze. She gasped and her eyes met the figure as well.
Vincent watched with his usual "..." comment.
"Hey! Why is everybody so quiet! Am I missing something important? Hey! Come on! What the hell is everyone staring at? I won't look unless someone tells me!" Cait Sith rambled on. He decided to take a different approach. "Break the silence!"
"Wark!" a roar sounded. Cait Sith turned to where everyone was staring.. ::Jurassic Park Theme cues in::
A huge chocobo foot clomped onto the field. Followed by another. The two feet were connected to two long tree trunk like legs. A gray-feathered body shook itself, which led up to a chocobo's head and neck. Cloud noticed it's neck was a bit longer than normal chocobos, but not long enough to make it imbalances. A wide feathered plume was at the end of the chocobo, serving as a tail. The chocobo snaked out it's long neck and grabbed one of the trees. It nipped off a few greens from the tree. Then it cooed and tore the entire tree out of the ground. It shook it and laid it on the ground. Three baby oversized chocobos hopped over to the tree and began to nip at the greens. Another chocobo joined the larger one as it went to another tree.
Cait Sith fell off his moogle.
"Hey! These aren't normal chocobos! These are chocosaurs! HEY! Do you know what this means?" Cait Sith shook Vincent.
"That we'll need to spend three more hours training them and racing them at Chocosaur races, to find a new piece of summon materia that can summon all seven dwarves?" Vincent chimed.
"Exactly, I mean... No! We've traveled back in time! This is going to be a Chrono Trigger fic! That means that I'm going to get to fight Gato!" Cait Sith clapped his hands in anticipation.
"No you moron!" Cloud called. "This is the park! This has nothing to do with Chrono Trigger. At least, not yet," Cloud called.
"Oh... I was hoping that this was going to crossover into Back to the Future..." Vincent groaned. Cloud turned back to the chocobos.
"They're chocosaurs! The creatures we've been studying," Cloud hopped out of the car and stared up at the huge chocobo ancestors. Tifa came out to join him. Bugenhagen smiled and floated over to them.
"These Brachiocobos lack the water walking ability of their kin, but they seem to tread through lakes and small mountains easily. The Tyranochocobos have higher abilities similar to the present day Gold Chocobo. Cloud turned to him.
"You have a Tyranochoco?" Cloud asked. Bugenhagen nodded.
"Ho Ho Hooo! We do!" Bugenhagen nodded. Cloud stepped back and fell backwards. He gasped and knelt down.
"How did you do this?" Cloud asked.
"Ho ho hoooo! Wouldnāt you like to know!" Bugenhagen chimed. One of the Shin-ra soldiers walked over to him and whispered something in his ear. Bugenhagen turned to him. "What if I don't want to tell them?" The Shin-ra soldier whispered something else. Bugenhagen groaned. "Very well... I have to tell you anyway... So, let's redo this scene to make it look good." Bugenhagen pulled out a remote and you scroll back up a few lines.
"How did you do this?" Cloud asked.
"Ho ho hoooo! I'll show you," Bugenhagen nodded. The Shin-ra soldier seemed convinced and returned to the jeep.
The Brachiocobo flapped it's huge wings, which lifted it slightly off the ground. It snapped off a branch of leaves and crashed back on the ground. The entire area shook. Cait Sith gasped.
"This place is going to make us all rich! Richer than that fat #&$* Owzer! We'll never need gil again! I can finally screw that moron Dio and get out of his stupid desert. Then I can pay off that loan to Square so I can actually play as Reeve in the game."
"What're Reeve's limits?" Vincent asked. Cait Sith shrugged.
"I don't know, but anything is better than dice and slots," Cait Sith growled. Cait Sith's PHS rings.
"Cait Sith here, spy extraodinaire. I find 'em and deliver the info in under 30 minutes or it's free," the cat called into the phone.
"You saying my abilities are stupid! I'll screw you cat!" Setzer shouted through the phone. The Falcon flew over head and nuked Cait Sith.
"Oww..." Cait Sith was smoking, not like Cid though. (Final Fantasy 6)
The two jeeps pulled up to the Visitor Center. The groups left their cars and came to the front of the complex. Bugenhagen quickly walked to the door.
"Welcome to the most advanced theme park in the world..." Bugenhagen began. Cait Sith leapt in the air and raised his hand. Bugenhagen narrowed his eyes. "Yes?"
"Ooh ooh! Do you have any of those fountains that spurt in patterns?" Cait Sith exclaimed. Bugenhagen growled.
"No," he said plainly. Cait Sith snapped his fingers.
"Oh nuts! And you call yourself advanced!" Cait Sith commented. Bugenhagen ignored the comment and continued on. He opened the door to reveal a huge Tyranochocobo's skeleton. Above it hung a sign that read, "When Chocobos Ruled the Earth..." Shin-ra soldiers were busy working on the layout and designs of the room. Shin-ra scientists walked in and out the room on their way to the laboratories.
"We have Shin-ra employees working around the clock to completely finish the park so it is ready to open soon," Bugenhagen explained as they walked through the room. They continued through and into a small auditorium room. "Please take a seat." Cloud nodded and quickly sat down. Tifa joined him while Cait Sith and Vincent sat behind them. Bugenhagen floated up to the screen. A new Bugenhagen appeared on the screen.
"Oh no! It's a Jenova clone of Bugenhagen!" Cait Sith shouted. "Kill it!" Vincent loaded his gun and prepared to fire.
"No! It's part of the show!" Bugenhagen shouted. Vincent growled and holstered his gun.
"Ho ho hooo! Hello there!" the Bugenhagen on the screen called.
"Hi Mr. Clone!" Cait Sith shouted.
"......" Vincent didn't reply.
"I bet that you're wondering how I'm here while Bugenhagen in over there," the visual Bugenhagen gestured to the real Bugenhagen.
"Oh no... I'm not wondering at all," Bugenhagen replied. "Oops! That wasn't my line!" Bugenhagen reached into his cloak.
"It's all part of the miracle of cloning," the cinema continued. "But to show you, I'll need a drop of your blood." Bugenhagen nodded and put his finger on the screen. A point sound was heard and the real Bugenhagen pulled back.
"Ho ho hooooooooooooooow! That hurt!" Bugenhagen clutched his hand. Cait Sith shook Cloud.
"Do something Cloud! The clone's attacking Bugenhagen!" Cait Sith screamed. Cloud pulled out his Ultima Weapon and aimed it at the screen.
"We end this clone!" Cloud called. "Meteorain!" An aura of red light swirled around Cloud.
"No! Don't!" Bugenhagen floated in front of Cloud. Cloud groaned as he shook into convulsions.
"I... can't.... hold my limit!! Ahhh!" Cloud shook uncontrollably as his sword waved around in his hands. "Excuse me... for a moment!" Cloud dashed out of the room. "Ahhh!" A crash was heard and meteors crashed against the outside wall.
"Hey watch it!" a guard shouted.
"You moron! I just painted that!" another Shin-ra employee called. Cloud walked back in the room and sat back down. The movie had stopped just so our readers wouldn't miss anything.
"Hi Bugenhagen!" a new Bugenhagen appeared on screen.
"Hey! How's it going Bugenhagen!" another Bugenhagen called.
"Wuz up Bugen!" yet another Bugenhagen appeared. This continued on for a few more moments.
"Make it stop!" Vincent was covering his head.
"I... can't... take much more Cloud!" Tifa had her face buried in Cloud's hands. Bugenhagen frowned. Suddenly, a swirling of cells appeared across the screen.
"Hey! It's a Parasite Eve Demo!" Cait Sith exclaimed.
Jenova appeared on the screen. Cloud screamed and ducked under his seat. Tifa pulled him up.
"Why! Miss Jenova! Where did you come from?" the Bugenhagen on the screen exclaimed. Jenova glared around the room. She pointed a tendril out Cloud.
"His blood..." Jenova growled. Cloud began to shake and turned white. "His body is lined with my cells, and they create the Sephiroth clone. He is mine" Cloud fainted. Bugenhagen groaned and gestured back to the screen. "But that is not important at the moment. I must speak of how the cloning of ancient chocosaurs is possible." Jenova spun around, like when she casts a spell, and the screen showed a chocobo blueprint.
"Wooheehoo!" the chocobo cooed. Jenova waved a talon at the chocobo.
"This organism lived thousands of years ago. Dominating the land until some unknown disaster ended their reign," Jenova continued in her monotone inhuman voice. "But, the chocosaurs did not disappear from this world forever. Instead, they diffused into the Lifestream." Cait Sith began to wave his hand.
"Oooh! Me! I have a question!" Cait Sith cried. Jenova gurgled and narrowed her eyes. Cait Sith coughed. "Umm... If the chocosaurs diffused into the Lifestream, does that mean I could be a Chocosaur?" Jenova growled.
"You are a Toysaurus... Besides, you are a puppet of Reeve. You have no feelings and have no emotions," Jenova replied. Cait Sith winced.
"Boy! She really knows how to add insult to injury!" Cait Sith turned to Vincent. Jenova murmured something incoherent.
"When the Chocosaurs diffused into the Lifestream, they returned to this world, not only as new primitive chocobos, but as materia," Jenova continued. "Just as the ancients did." Jenova muttered a curse and Bugenhagen poked her. Her eyes darted to him and she sneered. "In order to clone the chocosaurs, it was necessary to acquire materia, such as Chocobo Lure and other rare materia pieces, which contained chocobo essence." The screen shifted and Jenova floated above an archaeologist in the Correl Pass in the Icicle Area. He hacked at the wall with a pickaxe. He gasped as he reached in and removed a piece of purple materia. He growled when he saw a mosquito suspended in the materia. He chucked it behind him, hitting another archaeologist, and reached in again. He gasped again as he pulled out a clean piece of independent materia.
"Now, normally it is necessary to charge the materia and let it grow in order to use the vital information inside of it. But instead, we used Shin-ra technology to extract Mako from the materia as information, rather than energy." The screen changed to a picture of materia next to a large siphon machine. Energy flowed from the purple materia to the machine. A computer monitor booted up showing the Shin-ra logo and then long codes of numbers and letters. "Since it is impossible to get a pure sample of chocosaur energy, Shin-ra technicians, led by Hojo, have developed a way to reconstruct their DNA to fit Jenova cells, my own cells." Cloud screamed and shot up from his seat.
"Bugenhagen! You pumped those dinosaurs with Jenova cells!?" Cloud cried out. Bugenhagen shrugged.
"It was cheap and efficient. Besides, it's the new fad," Bugenhagen added. Jenova smiled.
"With the power of Jenova and the revival using mako energy, Chocobos will be the new chosen ones to return me to this world... Ha ha hahahahaha!" The screen faded out and the Bugenhagen on the screen screamed. Vincent scratched his head.
"Umm... If you recorded that, why are you still alive?" Vincent asked. Bugenhagen scratched his head.
"I don't know... But I'm not supposed to be alive anyway, so I figure that I can die an infinite amount of times, like Aeris and Cait Sith," Bugenhagen explained.
"Pardon?" Cait Sith cried out.
"Never mind. You'll find out soon enough," Bugenhagen pushed a button. The bars closed over the group. Cloud let out a high pitch scream.
"It closed over my...!!" Cloud wheezed. Vincent began to laugh. The room began to shift to the side and a laboratory came into view. Hojo, and numerous other scientists were busy at work stations. Shera stood over a nest of eggs with a clipboard.
"Hey! I want to see those eggs!" Cait Sith whined. "I need something to spy on!"
"Yeah, that whole Jenova 60's show was dull. Let's see something interesting," Tifa exclaimed. She gestured to Vincent. Vincent took a deep breath.
"Gallion Beast..." Vincent spoke. A red aura filtered around him. He roared as he ripped the bar from the chair and then proceeded to pull Cloud's and Tifa's off. He let out a roar and smashed into the laboratory. Cloud and Tifa followed. Cait Sith hopped next to Bugenhagen.
"If I could do that, I'd want to transform into a donut," Cait Sith grinned. He nodded and hopped off. Bugenhagen sighed and floated after him.
"Someone has to get Reeve off those drugs," Bugenhagen commented.
The team filed into the laboratory. Shera smiled and looked up at the group.
"Hello Mr. Bugenhagen," Shera called to Bugenhagen. She was busy surveying a table filled with eggs.
"Hello Shera," Bugenhagen smiled. "How are the surveys going?" Shera nodded.
"Nearly finished. I'm hoping that I'll be finished before I have to leave the ship to Junon," Shera replied. Cloud looked around the room.
"What keeps the eggs heated?" Cloud asked.
"Everything is set temperatures. And the eggs are turned with this device," Shera gestured to a small mechanical arm, which was turning the eggs. Cloud poked it.
"This thing!? Gee, it's strange and..." Cloud began as the claw grabbed his cheek. "Oww! Hey!" The claw shook him and clenched harder. Tifa ignored him as she noticed an egg shaking. Shera followed her gaze and smiled.
"Ahh... It looks like it'll hatch before I have to leave," Shera smiled. She pressed a button and the claw let go of Cloud's nose and picked up the egg. The egg shook again and the top began to crack. A beak protruded from the egg.
"Oh my! It's just like the thing at Fort Condor!" Cait Sith cried. "Does this mean one of us is gonna die?" Cait Sith got on his knees and folded his hands. "Oh great chocobo god! Don't kill me! Kill Vincent, no one likes him!" Vincent kicked him and Cait Sith cried out.
"No ones going to die, unless it's from you acting stupid," Vincent warned.
The egg cracked a bit more. Everyone's eyes focused on the egg. A beak popped from the crack. The shell slid to the side and two gleaming white eyes focused Bugenhagen.
"Wooheehoo!" the hatchling chocobo chirped. Its feathers were a pale brown yellow and it's beak was a dull red. It blinked a few times and shivered.
"Oh! It's so cute!" Tifa went over to take a closer look at the baby chocosaur.
"Aww! He looks just like you Bugen!" Cait Sith hopped. Bugenhagen scowled.
"I'm happy to say that I've been able to witness the birth of every creature on this island," Bugenhagen added. Vincent shook his head.
"What about the ones out in the park? Obviously, you couldn't see all those," Vincent replied smugly. Shera walked up behind Bugenhagen.
"There can be no breeding out in the park. All of the chocosaurs are female," Shera continued.
"How do you know that?" Cloud asked. "Did Square make them all irresistible like Tifa?" Cloud grinned. Tifa kicked him in the knee and he fell to the floor.
"That's enough cracks against me for now!" Tifa warned. Shera fixed the glasses on her the bridge of her nose.
"We use the Shin-ra technology to alter the chocosaur's genetic makeup.. We simply don't add a Y chromosome to the developing cell," Shera explained.
"What kind of chocosaur is this?" Tifa asked as she pulled a fragment of eggshell off the chocosaur. Cait Sith became eye level with the chocosaur.
"Hey there little buddy!" Cait Sith shouted, without a megaphone. The chocobo chirped in amusement and bit his nose. "Oww!" Cait Sith flailed as Bugenhagen quickly pulled the hatchling from the screaming Cait Sith. Cait Sith's nose pulled off with it. Bugenhagen removed it from its mouth and gave the nose back to Cait Sith. "Thanks," Cait Sith mumbled in a muffled voice. Shera pulled out a small clipboard.
"This would be... a velocichoco," Shera read the document.
"You bred velocichocos?" Cloud insisted. Shera nodded. Cloud screamed and leapt at her. "Why damnit!!? Don't you realize we're all going to die just like in that movie... Independence Day!" Vincent pulled him off Shera.
"Perhaps showing them to Cloud would make him happy," Vincent suggested. Bugenhagen shrugged and nodded.
"Waaaaark!!" a scream escaped the huge enclosed pen. The team walked up the stairs and looked down into the pen. Enclosed with electrified cables, the lush and forested pen hid the creatures that lurked within.
"Wooooheehoo!" another vicious chirp sounded. Vincent shuddered.
"That doesn't sound like a chocobo I'd want to ride," Vincent said firmly. Cait Sith thought for a minute.
"You could put him on auto pilot and he could eat all the other racers!" Cait Sith suggested. Vincent shrugged.
"Fine... You ride him," Vincent shot back. (Not literally.)
"Fine! Maybe I will!" Cait Sith shouted. He began to go towards a ladder over the pen. Tifa grabbed his hand and shook her head. He groaned and turned back to the group. Bugenhagen tapped his materia encrusted staff against the ground.
"We hadn't finished the pens for the velocichocos, because of there high jumping ability, so this is a temporary containment to keep them... safe," Bugenhagen gestured to the fences.
"More like to keep us safe," Tifa exclaimed.
"They should all be #&$#)(@)*(@)# killed," a familiar voice rang from behind them. They turned to see Cid with his trademark cigarette.
"Hey Cid!" Cait Sith exclaimed. Cid narrowed his eyes.
"So? Bugenhagen got you guys to come for a little tour? Well... I hope you enjoy yourself," Cid let out a little sarcastic laugh.
"This is Cid Highwind, I trust you all know him, he's the game warden for the wildlife in the park," Bugenhagen explained.
"Why the intense security on the velocichocos Cid?" Cloud asked. Cid took a smoke of his cigarette and tossed it into the pen.
"Waaaaaaaark!" a chocosaur screamed.
"Kuuuuuuuu!" another chocosaur cried.
"The damn creatures are bloody persistent. They jump at least nine feet in the air. They've got claws that can shred through those #*$@ cables. If we let them out, we'd be as good as dead," Cid explained smoothly.
"When they become malicious?" Tifa asked. Cid thought for a moment.
"Six months... They begin to even attack each other in competition. They kill even when they're not hungry," Cid growled.
"Hey! What the hell!" a voice shouted. Everyone turned as a huge crane hovered over the top of the pen, carrying Hojo.
"Umm... What're you doing with Hojo?" Cait Sith exclaimed. Cid smiled.
"Feeding them trash," Cid snickered. Bugenhagen nodded.
"We were going to feed them Spekkio or a moogle, but that was way out of line. Then we were going to feed them Secret of Evermore, but that'd give them indigestion. So we picked the character that everyone loves to hate," Bugenhagen explained.
"What! Not everyone hates me! Look at Lucrecia Vinny! She just looooooooves me!" Hojo began to laugh. Vincent pulled out his gun and fired at the supporting cable. Hojo screamed as he plunged into the dense jungle.
"Die scum..." Vincent sneered.
"Oh #$*#..." Hojo screamed.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaark!!!" a chocosaur lunged though the trees. The jungle shook.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!" another chocosaur answered.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! It wasn't supposed to be this way!" Hojo screamed as he was torn apart. Bugenhagen smiled.
"Who wants lunch?" Bugenhagen called.
"Me!" Cait Sith exclaimed. Tifa turned green and threw up into the velocichoco pen.
"Somehow... I have a bad idea about this," Tifa hadn't touched her Choco-Microwavable dinner.
"Hmm... I have to agree. You're bringing back creatures that haven't existed since that fat one in Final Fantasy IV," Vincent continued. Cloud shrugged.
"He wasn't even a chocobo. We found out that he was really just a fattened up Big Bird," Cloud returned.
"How do you know how to care for these creatures Bugenhagen? There's nothing on this earth like them," Tifa added. Bugenhagen sighed.
"We've taken all the necessary precautions. Our staff has managed to beat some information out of the Chocobo Sage," Bugenhagen added. Two Shin-ra guards walked by carrying the Chocobo Sage. They walked into the room next to them.
"Think you're hot stuff huh? We know how to deal with guys who can't remember anything!" a soldier shouted. A few punches and hits were heard.
"Owww! Hey! I remember that! I can't believe you'd be so indecent as to hit an old guy!" the Chocobo Sage retaliated. The other soldier laughed..
"They do it to Orlandu all the time in Tactics," the soldier replied. Bugenhagen pulled out a recorder.
"Note to self. Move the torture chamber away from the restaurant," Bugenhagen whispered into the recorder. Cait Sith finished his meal, even though he was a mechanical cat. Vincent was wondering we he had shoved all the food.
"I think this park is a great idea! It's not built in the middle of an inescapable desert filled with convicts and there's no source of gratuitous sex or violence... as of yet. You weren't planning on hiring Tifa were you?" Cait Sith asked. Tifa threw her spoon at Cait Sith and nailed him in the eye. Bugenhagen fixed his stupid sunglasses.
"This park is the most advanced zoological preserve in the world. It is open for all audiences," Bugenhagen added.
"We could charge anything we want!" Cait Sith exclaimed. "We could make people give us items, materia, Zodiac stones, well... not the Virgo one.... but, anything!" Bugenhagen tapped the table with impatience.
"This place wasn't meant to acquire wealth," Bugenhagen pressed. "Just like Cosmo Canyon, this is a research facility, where we will be able to observe and learn about the past." A guard stepped into the room and tapped Bugenhagen on the shoulder. He whispered something to him and Bugenhagen nodded.
"The tour is ready to begin," Bugenhagen remarked. He got up from the table and the rest of the guests followed. Bugenhagen walked back out into the Visitor's Center Hall. "I hope you don't mind, but you're going to have a few guests in the park."
"Grandfather!" Red XIII shouted.
"Nanaki!" Bugenhagen smiled, as Red XIII came trampling down the stairs. Aeris quickly followed.
"These are my grandchildren, Nanaki, but you can call him whatever you'd like, and this is Aeris," Bugenhagen gestured to the ancient behind him.
"Hey! Aeris isn't your granddaughter!" Cait Sith exclaimed. Bugenhagen shrugged.
"You have a better character to cast in?" Bugenhagen demanded. Cait Sith thought for a minute.
"How about..." Cait Sith began.
"Don't answer that! Let's just say that the Ancients are all our relatives," Bugenhagen said grimly.
"That means Aeris could be my sister... Oh god..." Cloud wasn't feeling so well all of a sudden. They were led out to brightly colored green and yellow vans, camouflaged for effect. The logo, Shin-ra auto-motives, was an insignia on both explorer vehicles. Cloud hopped into one car and Tifa sat in next to him. Aeris cried out and quickly ran around the van and opened Cloud's door.
"You don't want to sit here Cloud. Sit with me," Aeris led Cloud to the other van.
"Oh no you don't #&$*@!" Tifa growled. As Cloud was entering the next car, Tifa dashed to the side and pulled him out the other entrance.
"Hey! What the...!" Cloud stammered. "I didn't realize I was so popular with the ladies." Aeris hopped into the vehicle and closed the door. She turned, expecting to see Cloud, and screamed. Cait Sith sat smiling next to her.
"Hello!" Cait Sith shouted. Aeris looked back and forth.
"What happened to Cloud!?" Aeris demanded. Cait Sith shrugged.
"He went to the other vehicle with Ti... I mean Vincent! Yeah, Vincent had some important matters to discuss with him," Cait Sith lied through his teeth.
"Like what?" Aeris asked. Cait Sith thought for a minute.
"Well... He was considering buying a new coffin when he renovated and wanted to know which coffins were better, firm or bouncy," Cait Sith adlibbed. Aeris groaned.
"Damn Tifa..." Aeris growled. Red XIII hopped into the front seat. And closed his door. The two vans started up and they began to roll off into the park. A huge gate labeled, "Chocobo Park."
"Hmm... I wonder what's behind that?" Cloud asked.
"With our luck, probably another WEAPON," Vincent muttered.
"Oh! Which one? I'm always partial to Atma WEAPON!" Cloud smiled. "Or maybe there's a Chocobo WEAPON," Cloud remarked. Tifa sighed.
"As stupid as that sounded... Never mind," Tifa frowned. The doors opened as the explorers rolled through the gates. They closed behind them.
"Hello and welcome to Chocobo Park," a recording of Gast's voice circulated though the car.
"How are they doing?" Bugenhagen floated through a computer room. Barret smoked one of Cid's cigarettes and typed into a computer.
"Da system seems to be runnin' ok," Barret growled. The two vans rolled past two fences.
"On your left, you will see the first dinosaur on this tour, Dilphochoco," Gast continued.
"Dilophochoco? What the hell kind of name is that?" Cait Sith laughed. Everyone pressed against the window and stared out into the vacant jungle as the recording droned on.
"I don't see anything," Aeris commented.
"Neither do I," Red XIII growled.
"I see lots of stuff!" Cait Sith called. Aeris and Red XIII groaned as the cat stared out the opposite window.
"Boy... This... This..." Cloud stuttered for a comment.
"Sucks my..." Vincent began. Tifa cut him off.
"OK. So we didn't see the first dinosaur. There are others," Tifa added.
"Eh... I wanted to see the one that spit poisonous liquids," Vincent growled.
"You mean like Diamond WEAPON? He spits this blue crap at everybody when he isn't counting down till the next New Year," Cloud replied. Vincent thought for a moment.
"Similar... But not the same," Vincent answered him. The two explorers continued on towards the next exhibit.
"Da first chocobo is a no show. I repeat, da first chocobo is a no show!" Barret called. Bugenhagen tapped his staff in irritation.
"Hoooooooooo... Hmm... Let us hope the next exhibit isn't. What is the monitoring for that tropical storm?" Bugenhagen asked. Barret clicked the mouse with his good hand and a screen with a three dimensional display of the world map came up.
"We's dink dat da storm iz gonna shift away from da island, but we can't be sure as of yet," Barret growled. Bugenhagen furrowed his brows. He turned to his other computer programmer, Yuffie.
"Yuffie, how are the phone lines coming along?" Bugenhagen demanded. Yuffie coughed as she pretended to work.
"Oh... Well... They're um... going... fine?" Yuffie smiled. Bugenhagen narrowed his eyes.
"Are they working yet?" Bugenhagen asked. Yuffie scratched the back of her head.
"Well... No," Yuffie gulped. Then Yuffie tried a different approach. "It's not my fault! I'm doing the best I can! I can't deal with all this pressure! I wouldn't be here if my dad hadn't kicked me out of the house and told me to get a job!" Bugenhagen coughed.
"Yuffie. I don't care about any of your personal problems. Just get your work done," Bugenhagen tapped his fingers against her desk.
"Yo! Dey be comin' around da T-choco pen!" Barret called. Bugenhagen quickly floated over to the computer.
"Coming up on your left is the most elusive hunter of the World of Ruin period, the Tyranochoco," Gast droned on. The two explorers skidded to a halt in front of the pen.
"Oh my god! It has to be the materia hunter, Yuffie!" Cait Sith exclaimed. Aeris flashed him a frown.
"Don't be stupid. Even though Yuffie is ugly, partially resembles a dinosaur, and goes screeching through the jungle on those select days of the month, I don't think they'd put her in a pen like this," Aeris added.
"Yes... They have a separate pen for her, right next to the Velocichocos," Red XIII snickered. They silently waited for the huge beast to emerge from the jungle for a brief moment to do something interesting. Sadly, nothing happened. Cait Sith opened the window and stuck out his mega phone.
"Yo! Chocosaur! Come on out! Hello? Woooheeehoooo!" Cait Sith began to make a complete moron out of himself.
"We'll try to lure dat SOB out," Barret spoke over 'da' intercom. A small elevator shifted up and Mog was thrown into the pen.
"Huh? Hey! What the hell? Where am I?" Mog squeaked. "I was supposed be getting re-mastered for an appearance in Final Fantasy 8!" Mog growled and pulled out a copy of the script. He put a set of spectacles on his nose and red aloud. "And then, to lure out the predator, not Yuffie, but the Tyranochoco, they put a very stupid, moronic moogle in the cage... Hmm.... Who are they talking about?" Mog thought for a minute and then screamed. "Noo!!! People love me! I can't die! He grabbed onto the fence and squeaked. "Ow... Ow... Ow... Ow..." Mog cried as he repeatedly touched the fence until the joke got lame. Cait Sith looked at the camera surveying the van.
"Hello in there? This is a chocosaur park right? When do we get to see some of them? Hello? Are you listening?" Cait Sith tapped the camera lens. Vincent grinned.
"That's not how you do it," Vincent pulled out his gun and aimed it at the camera. "Just like in James Bond." Vincent fired and the camera went dead.
"I really hate that guy..." Bugenhagen growled.
The vans continued on, passing a large field. Cloud stared blankly out the window. Suddenly, a little girl waved and ran out into the field.
"Huh? Maya!! Wait... sister!" Cloud screamed. He hopped out of the car and began to run after her. The girl ran off into the bushes. Tifa groaned. (Parasite Eve Cameo)
"First Sephiroth... then the clones and Zack.... then Aeris.... I'm telling you Vincent! This guy is Schizophrenic!" Tifa complained. She hopped out of the moving vehicle to follow. Vincent chuckled.
"You sure know how to pick 'em," Vincent quickly followed. Soon, everyone had exited the explorers and were running after Cloud. They banked down a hill and found Cloud staring at a huge chocosaur.
"What's this?" Aeris asked. The team kept cautious distance as Cloud and a Shin-Ra employee, we'll just say Rude to make everyone happy.
"It's a Tricerachoco," Cloud exclaimed. The Tricerachoco sneezed and groaned as it wallowed on it's side.
"I think it's seen better days," Vincent remarked.
"Yes, it's very sick..." Cloud patted the chocosaur. It hacked something out and coughed.
"What's the matter with her Rude?" Tifa asked.
"......" Rude replied sadly.
"Say it in English!" Cloud grabbed Rude. Cait Sith chuckled.
"He can't... Square was too lazy to translate all of Rude's quotes," Cait Sith added. Rude nodded.
"......" he said sadly.
"Hey! I know. He can mime it!" Cait Sith giggled. Aeris took out her materia inventory.
"I don't have any Mime materia," Aeris added.
"Not that kind of mime... The other one!" Red XIII retaliated. Rude nodded and began to make gestures.
"The chocosaur got in a car accident while going to a wedding and is having a baby!" Cait Sith said in victory.
"No!" everyone shouted at Cait Sith. Rude rubbed his temples. He tried again.
"His stomach... He's been having stomach problems?" Tifa deduced.
"Well... You can always try Extra Strength..." Cait Sith began.
"Shut up," Vincent quickly added.
"Stomach? Are there any poisonous plants out here?" Tifa asked. Rude nodded and pointed to a small plant.
"Hiryusou!" Cloud exclaimed. (Final Fantasy 5 Cameo) He pulled out his sword and began to stab it. "I'll teach you to attack my dragon!" Tifa pulled Cloud away.
"It's not the same one Cloud!" Tifa growled. Vincent examined the plant.
"It's not poisonous to dragons... But it is to chocobos," Vincent rubbed the leaf in his hands.
"Um... Chocobos eat greens. Why would this one be eating this stuff?" Aeris asked.
"Well... Maybe it's because he has three horns sticking out of his head," Cait Sith hinted. The huge chocosaur coughed again.
"Wait a minute... I think I have an answer!" Red XIII nodded. "If a chocosaur is similar to a bird, then it must also have the digestive system of a bird!"
"Huh?" everyone stared blankly.
"Birds must swallow gizzard stones in order to digest food. It is possible that the chocosaur ate this plant while swallowing the stones. The tricerachoco hacked up the Virgo Zodiac Stone. (Final Fantasy Tactics Cameo) Vincent picked it up.
"Yes! I have the last Zodiac stone! What do I get?" Vincent turned to Cloud. Cloud shrugged.
"I don't know... Maybe a Tactics ending where they don't say, "What did you get Ramza?" Cloud replied.
"Yeah... They probably have a translation error instead," Tifa added.
"Cloud's a translation error isn't he? His name was supposed to be Clud in Tactics," Aeris added.
"It's a possibility," Red XIII nodded. "Now... Going back to the story line." They looked at the chocosaur.
"I'd like to look at the chocosaur's droppings," Tifa said grudgingly.
"Yes! Now we get to the good stuff!" Cait Sith rubbed his hands. "Do they have this on the tour?"
"Stop the program!" Bugenhagen shouted. "They weren't supposed to leave the vehicles!"
"I told you dat we should have had monkey guards wit guns in each car!" Barret shouted. Bugenhagen frowned.
"We could have just had automatic locks," Bugenhagen grumbled. Barret shrugged.
"Well... Dat's what I wanted... But Marlene like da monkeys part better," Barret typed into the computer with his one good hand.
"Yuffie. Do you have the phones on yet?" Bugenhagen floated past her.
"Umm... No..." Yuffie tossed papers aside to make it look like she was actually doing something. She turned back to the screen.
"How long until the ship leaves," Yuffie whispered harshly.
"About half and hour!" a Shin-Ra soldier called into the phone.
"Good... I'll begin the procedure soon," Yuffie whispered more to herself than the microphone. "I'll be there shortly." Bugenhagen groaned as Barret turned on a weather map.
"It looks like dat storm is going to hit us dead on," Barret narrowed his eyes.
"Damn... I knew I should have built in Costa Del Sol..." Bugenhagen mumbled.
"Should we recall da explorers?" Barret asked. Bugenhagen clenched his fists and felt through his beard.
"Very well... When they return to the vans, end the tour and we'll take it from there tomorrow," Bugenhagen compromised. The storm began to thunder outside.
"Hmm... That's one big pile of......." Vincent trailed off.
"Oh! You ruined it!" Cait Sith whined. "You were supposed to curse!" Vincent shook his head.
"A cool character like me doesn't need to curse," Vincent grinned. Cait Sith turned to the huge pile of...
"Red XIII! I thought we told you to go in the bushes!" Cait Sith shouted through his megaphone. Red XIII growled.
"Don't be a fool cat. That is the chocosaur's doing..." Red XIII relied plainly. Vincent paled as he watched Tifa handle the... stuff... with her gloves.
"Hmm... I believe that you're right Cloud and... Aeris..." Tifa glowered. "It seems that the Hiryusou is showing up in the chocosaur's droppings."
"......" Rude nodded and said his compliment. The sky rumbled with the incoming storm.
"I believe we should be getting back to the explorers," Cloud felt a raindrop hit him in the head. Aeris opened up her Parasol and grinned. Tifa scowled at her.
"I'd like to stay with Rude and check the chocosaur a bit more," Tifa added. Vincent nudged Rude.
"That means your going to get lucky," Vincent whispered. Rude grinned stupidly.
"Well, let us return to the vehicles so we can get back to the visitor's center," Red XIII added. The team separated here and left Tifa with Rude. They reloaded into the vehicles and were slowly going in reverse, back to the visitor's center.
Yuffie tapped her desk impatiently as she watched Barret and Bugenhagen huddle around another computer.
"What do you mean the ship has to leave early?" Yuffie stammered. Her face was pale. The Shin-Ra soldier nodded in the phone booth.
"We have to leave the island before the storm gets too rough. Otherwise, the ship may be in danger of sailing," he explained. Yuffie groaned.
"But I need more time. You have to give me at least fifteen minutes," Yuffie pleaded. The soldier shrugged.
"I'll try. No promises," and the soldier hung up. Yuffie shivered at her new challenge and opened up a window. It read 'Execute.' She nodded and stood up from her seat.
"Hey guys," Yuffie called to Barret and Bugenhagen. They turned to her.. "I'm just going to get some materia... I mean a Hero Drink... Cause I'm a bit on edge right now and need some energy. Also, the fences may be turning off and on and blowing up... I mean... restarting because of the phone lines. That should fix itself in 15 minutes. Errr... Do you want anything?" Barret frowned.
"No foo'... I don't even think you need da energy, but go right ahead," Barret called. They turned back to the computer. Yuffie nodded to herself and hunched over the computer. She clicked the 'Execute' button.
"Wooheehoo!" the ERROR sound came on. 'Would you like to Save As... your Untitled 1 Document?' Yuffie growled.
"No!" Yuffie shouted. Bugenhagen turned to her and frowned. Yuffie blushed.
"Sorry..." Yuffie apologized. She quickly skipped off. A small timer appeared at the bottom left corner of the screen. 15:00
Yuffie dashed down the hallway. She looked at the timer. When it hit 14:00. She watched the camera turn off and she dodged behind the door and into the cold storage room. She entered in an access code and the containment slid open. Pieces of materia glittered in each individual slot. Yuffie pulls out the Hero Drink and begins to slide the small materia shards into there appointed places. This particular item had 8 linked slots, and Yuffie wondered how you'd equip a can. Then she thought of Red XIII and his Magic Comb and though otherwise. Yuffie grinned with satisfaction and sped off down the hallway.
Cloud continued humming One Winged Angel. Vincent gritted his teeth as she tried to ignore him. Cloud hit a high note in his song and Vincent knocked over a cup of water, that was partially rippling.
"Sephiroth!" Cloud shouted.
"Shut up! If you're going to sing something, sing something good!" Tifa shouted. Cloud sighed and began to sing 'Celes' Opera Theme.' (Final Fantasy 6)
"Oh my hero!" Cloud began.
The explorers halted. Vincent grinned.
"Maybe the explorer didn't like that song," Vincent added. Cloud looked out the window.
"This isn't the visitor's center. Why'd we stop?" Cloud asked.
"Hey! How come the vehicles both stopped?" Aeris asked.
"This can only be the work of one mastermind..." Red XIII narrowed his eyes. "Sephiroth."
"No... He doesn't make an appearance in this fic," Aeris replied.
"What! I don't?! Why you!" Sephiroth shouts off screen as a Shin-Ra soldier runs by screaming. Sephiroth slashes through a few of the electric cables and runs after him. Red XIII scratched his head.
"What about... Jenova?" Red XIII asked.
"Nope," Aeris shook her head.
"Ohh... Umm... Don Corneo?" Red XIII listed. Aeris shook her head. "Then who the hell who could it be?"
"Heeheehee! I'm going to be a rich little materia hunter!" Yuffie drove up to the gate and crashed through it. Yuffie smiled as she skidded through the rain and mud and by the gate. Yuffie hopped out of the car and pushed the electrical gates open. A sign indicating the dock was in that direction, reassured Yuffie. She smiled and jumped back in the jeep and sped through the jungle.
"Hey! What da hell is goin' on?" Barret shouted. He banged his gun-arm on the desk.
"What's the matter!" Bugenhagen floated over to him.
"Da freakin' program isn't responding!" Barret shouted.
"Try to End Task!" Bugenhagen urged.
"Dat ain't respondin' either!" Barret growled. "All da gates are blinkin' on and off!"
"Well... Yuffie said that there would be some power outages," Bugenhagen replied. Then, all the gates turned off at once.
"What da hell iz dis?" Barret shouted. "I'm lookin' at Yuffie's computer. Barret growled and got up from his chair. He wiped off all of Yuffie's junk and sat down. He entered the access program.
"What did she do?" Bugenhagen asked. Barret took out one of Cid's cigarettes and lit it by firing a bullet over the top of the cigarette.
"Dunno.. I'll found out," Barret began to type into the computer.
"Access da main computer," Barret typed in.
"Access Denied," the computer responded.
"Access da main protocol system," Barret typed in.
"Access Denied," the computer responded.
"Access da #%$^&# computer!" Barret typed in.
You didn't say the magic word!!
You didn't say the magic word!!
You didn't say the magic word!!
You didn't say the magic word!!" Yuffie's irritating voice came on. Barret shouted.
"Damn it!" Barret pounded the desk. He aimed his gun-arm at the computer and fired.
"What's the magic word?" Bugenhagen asked. Barret thought for a minute..
"Materia," Barret said firmly.
"All the PHSs are out," Vincent growled.
"Must be the satellite. Blown up or something..." Cloud decided. Mog was busy moaning in the rain.
"Damn #^$&#*# morons put me in this stupid cameo," Mog growled. He was busy playing Final Fantasy Legend II on the Gameboy. "Why does my father have to look like Indiana Jones in this game!"
"Da PHS are out," Barret slammed the phone down. Bugenhagen floated back into the room.
"I can't find Yuffie anywhere," Bugenhagen growled. "Where did she go?"
"Hey? Did you feel that?" Aeris asked Red XIII intently. Red XIII narrowed his one good eye.
"No Aeris... What is it? The cries of the Planet? The Ancients trying to communicate with us? Oh, maybe the Planet is trying to tell us something!?" Red XIII mocked Aeris. Aeris scowled.
"I felt the explorer vibrate," Aeris protested. She reached her inventory and pulled out an Infra Scope, borrowed from Annie. (SaGa Frontier) She placed it over her carefully arranged hair and turned it on. She looked around the area. Another vibration shook the jeep. Red XIII peered out.
"I don't see anything," Red XIII growled. They waited a few seconds.
"Hey... They stopped," Aeris muttered.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh! We're all going to die!!" Mog screamed as he rushed past the explorer. (Come on! Did you think I had the heart to kill Mog!?)
Tyranochoco craned her head over the explorer. A truckload of Sylkis Greens were being munched in her maw. She gulped and stepped through the nice little opening made by Sephiroth. Each footstep shook the explorer and reverberated within the confines of the vehicle. The Tyranochoco lifted up it's head into the rain.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrk!!!" the chocosaur roared. The occupants of both vans covered their ears. Cait Sith gasped.
"Oh my god! The moogle was right! Out of my way!" Cait Sith shoved Aeris aside as he flew out of the car, leaving the door wide open. He screamed and ran into the Restroom area, near the Tyranochoco's pen. The chocosaur looked him over and shrugged to herself. She turned back to the explorers, which were colored green, the chocosaur's favorite color.
"Gee. What happened to the cat?" Cloud asked. Vincent shrugged.
"Maybe he really had to go... or the huge chocosaur made him $*%( in his... um... nevermind..." Vincent trailed off.
"I didn't know that mechanical cats could go to the bathroom!" Cloud commented. The chocosaur stepped in front of their car. "Oh nuts..." The chocosaur eyed them both. Cloud took out a camera. "Smile!" Vincent grabbed it and smacked Cloud. Cloud groaned and rubbed his head.
"Kuuuuuuuuuu...." the chocosaur grumbled and stepped past the explorer.. Aeris shivered from the breeze blowing in from the storm.
"I better close the door... I don't trust that oversized chocobo..." Aeris reached out and slammed the door. The sound echoed through the area. The chocosaur looked around and eyed the explorer.
"Wark?" the chocosaur growled. It trampled past Cloud's explorer and bent down over Aeris'. His eye gleamed in the passenger window. It was eyeing something in Aeris' hair. Red XIII gasped.
"The White Materia! Turn off the light!" Red XIII whispered urgently. Aeris cried out and fumbled the materia in her hands. She quickly pocketed it, but the movement had been enough to upset the chocosaur. The chocosaur pecked at the windshield. The tapping shook the explorer and large cracks were forming in the windshield. The chocosaur darted it's head forward and left a huge dent in the sunroof. The glass fell down on Aeris and Red XIII. Aeris screamed while Red XIII whimpered in the back seat. The chocosaur snapped at Aeris, who was using the glass as a shield.
"Hey! This isn't Saga Frontier! Cast Barrier or something!" Red XIII urged as the chocosaur stepped on the roof of the explorer. Aeris fished into her pocket and pulled out a piece of green maeria.
"Barri-Ah!" Aeris felt the windshield smack against her face and the materia fell from her hands.
Meanwhile, Cloud and Vincent were eating popcorn and watching the action. Vincent suddenly stopped.
"Hey? Aren't we supposed to da something heroic right about now?" Vincent asked. Cloud groaned.
"Ohh... I guess so... I was hoping for this part to cut into a cool FMV," Cloud opened his car door along with Vincent. The Tyranochoco roared and flipped the car over onto it's side and then upside down. Aeris and Red XIII screamed.
"Wait! I already died! Kill Red XIII! He's the one that's alive 500 years later!" Aeris pleaded. Red XIII yelped.
"And I was the one that was going to resurrect you in the ending!" Red XIII shot back.
"Ohhh..." Aeris moaned. She felt the weight of the explorer on her chest as she sunk into the mud. "Urgh... All this weight. Now I know how Tifa feels!"
Cloud pulled out a piece of Chocobo Lure materia. "Cue sound effect!" Cloud whistled. Palmer ran in from the side.
"Hey-Hey!" Palmer shouted. He nodded and ran off. The chocosaur looked up from the 'Hey-hey' remark and fixed her eyes on the independent materia. It smiled merrily and hopped off the truck, moving towards Cloud. Cloud began to wave it in the air. The chocosaur burst into a slow dash. Cloud screamed and put the Vincent's hand.
"What the hell!?" Vincent cried as Cloud jumped back in the car. Vincent screamed and rushed off towards the restroom. He gasped as he felt a beak close on his cape. He was hauled to the side and he was pressed against the restroom walls. He slumped down as the chocosaur rammed the small building. The entire building collapsed and Cait Sith sat, reading a newspaper, on the toilet. He looked up.
"Oh! Hello... Mister... I mean, miss... Um... Don't mind me," Cait Sith whimpered. The chocosaur tilted its head at the strange creature. It let loose a snort, which knocked off Cait Sith's crown. "Hey!" He waved a gloved hand at him. The chocosaur snarled and closed it's beak over Cait Sith. Cait Sith screamed as the Tyranochoco tore him apart. The chocosaur tore the head from his body and spit it in the toilet. The chocosaur pressed the handle and flushed it.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrkkkk!" the chocosaur roared as the victor. It screeched and trampled into the trees.
"Materiaaaaaaaaaaa! I've got lots of Materia! It's spelled M-A-T-E-R-I=A... Materia!" Yuffie was singing her own er... little song to herself. Yuffie stopped singing and frowned. "Hmm... I should have been there by now." Yuffie screamed as she slammed into a sign that read 'Port this Way.' "Oops..." Yuffie hopped out of the car and picked up the sign. She spun it around. "Hey! There's a Turtle's Paradise Flyer on this!" Yuffie tore it off. She looked left and right. "Now... If I were someone smart, where would I go." Yuffie pulled out her 'Sense' materia. She aimed it in both directions. The materia blinked when she pointed it towards the right. "There!" Yuffie hopped back in the jeep and sped on. After a few moments, the time clock was falling dangerously low. She took a glance at it and turned back to the road. She screamed as she went off the road into a ditch. She gasped as the jeep halted and the rain continued to pound on the windshield. She looked back and saw the sign.
::Ace of Base! I saw the Sign cues in...::
"Oh nuts!" Yuffie growled. She shifted the car in reverse. The wheels squealed in the mud and the jeep shook, but did not budge. "Oh Gawd!" She hopped out of the car and looked at the wheels. She chuckled. "This is no problem for a girl like me with amazing strength!" She grunted as she tried to pick up the rear of the car. She groaned and collapsed in the mud.. A light bulb appeared over Yuffie's head. "Dodge Needle! I mean... I bet I have materia for a situation like this!" (SaGa Frontier) She began to dig into her pockets for a piece of materia. She cried out and pulled out a piece of independent materia.
"Chocobo Lure! Noo..." Yuffie tossed it aside. It plopped into the mud.
"Kuuuuuuu?" a brightly colored chocosaur hopped out from behind a tree.. It's feathers were colored white, red, green, and pink. It seemed happy to see Yuffie, an odd circumstance, and hopped over to her. It sniffed the Chocobo Lure materia and looked up at Yuffie. It wagged it's stubby feather tail. "Wark!" Yuffie waved her hand in protest.
"Go away. I'm busy!" Yuffie shouted. She continued looking through her inventory. "Morph? No... Um... Fire, maybe later..."
"Wark!?" the chocosaur chirped. It hopped and wagged it's tail again. Yuffie clenched her fists and turned at the chocosaur.
"Listen! I'm a bit busy right now. I don't have any food and I'm not signing autographs!" Yuffie scolded. She pulled out her Conformer and waved it in the air. "Here! Fetch this!" Yuffie tossed the Conformer. The chocosaur just stood there and watched it spin past him. Yuffie, satisfied that the chocosaur had left her alone, turned back to her predicament. The Conformer whirled around a tree and boomeranged back.
"Kuuu!" the chocosaur hopped out of the way. Yuffie spun around.
"What!?" Yuffie demanded. The Conformer smacked Yuffie in the face and she went sprawling. "Ooh... This is the last fic I'm in by Geode!" (No it isn't! ^_^) The chocosaur hopped over to Yuffie. "Yes, you can help me up, thank you."
"Warrkkk!!" the chocosaur screamed. It's feathers opened up around it's neck and it sprayed a blast of black slime all over Yuffie.
"Ewww! Oh gawd!" Yuffie cried out as she looked over the tar like substance, covering her arms and chest. The chocosaur spat again and caught Yuffie in the eyes. She screamed as her eyes burned. Her skin began to ring with pain as well. She struggled to find her 'Heal' materia but dropped it in the mud, making it look like a sequel might use it. She staggered from the chocosaur and smacked her forehead into the top of the car. She cried in pain and opened the door. She reached in and grabbed for the seat. She fell into the car and slammed the door behind her. Suddenly, the passenger door opened and closed. "Huh?"
"Wooheehoo!" the chocosaur cried. Yuffie screamed. The jeep rocked back and forth as the chocosaur made better use of Yuffie than she normally is.
"Cloud!" Aeris whimpered. She huddled next to the explorer. Tears welled down her eyes. Cloud popped up from behind the explorer.
"That's my name!" Cloud smiled. Aeris' face brightened.
"Cloud!" Aeris hugged him. Cloud smiled.
"Yep... Now this fanfic can end..." Cloud swooned. Red XIII coughed.
"A little help here!" Red XIII barked. Cloud groaned.
"I guess..." he walked over to the explorer and looked it over. "Now.... How would I lift this up without Cid cursing at me and Shera?" Aeris sighed and stared down at the footprint, the chocosaur had left. The rain had subsided, leaving a few raindrops falling into the puddle. The puddle suddenly vibrated. Aeris checked her vibrating PHS alert, to make sure it wasn't her. Suddenly, a rumble shook the trees behind them. Cloud hadn't heard it cause he had began to hum 'Cid's Theme.' He spit on his hands and tried to lift the back of the explorer up. Aeris screamed and jumped on Cloud.
"Cloud!!" Aeris screamed.
"Aeris! Not now. They'll be plenty of time for that when this fanfic is over!" Cloud pushed Aeris back. Suddenly, he felt a hot breeze spray the back of his neck. He cautiously turned around and met eye to eye with the Tyranochoco. Aeris was shivering and preparing to run. Cloud grabbed her and held her still. "Don't move..." The Tyranochoco snarled and looked back at the explorer. Cloud and Aeris quickly dodged behind the overturned vehicle. Cloud gasped with relief. Then the chocosaur nudged the explorer with its beak. The explorer began to rotate towards Cloud and Aeris. They scrambled as the chocosaur slammed it again. It shook and bent over the railing into the pen. The chocosaur slammed it again and the explorer went off the wall and into the pen. A crash sounded as it caught in a tree.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrk!" the chocosaur cried. It flapped its wings and started off in the other direction. Cloud stood up and gave Aeris his hand. She leaned against the wall, her breath shallow. Cloud gestured to the wall.
"We need to find your brother er... whatever he is..." Cloud nodded. Aeris nodded weakly. "And you said you were fit for SOLDIER! Ha!" Aeris kicked Cloud in the shin.
"Stop bringing that up!" Aeris growled. "Come on!" Cloud rubbed his side and hopped onto the wall. He helped Aeris up. They looked down below, a large drop of a few stories. Cloud reached down and pulled up a golden wire. "Hey? Where'd that come from?"
"It's the Golden Shiny Wire of Hope! I swiped it from Barret," Cloud grinned. He grabbed Aeris and shimmied down the rope, hopping along the side of the wall. Rainwater poured down the side of the concrete cliff and washed down over the area. Cloud jumped down into the mud, Aeris at his side. Cloud looked up at the explorer, stuck in the tree.
"Are you going to go get him?" Aeris asked. Cloud shrugged.
"Nah... I don't think anyone would miss a lion that fights with a comb," Cloud commented.
"Oh no?" Red XIII growled as he hopped from the explorer and crawled down the tree trunk. The explorer creaked and crashed to the ground behind him. Red XIII regarded it lightly. Aeris snapped her finger.
"That was a close call... Why didn't they render that scene an FMV?" Aeris asked. Cloud thought for a second.
"Probably because he didnāt die in it," Cloud added. Red XIII growled and waved his fiery tail around.
"Hey! I can fix that!" Sephiroth floated in. "Stay still Simba and Iāll shave a little off the top." Sephiroth unsheathed the Masamune and positioned it at Red XIIIās head. Aeris scowled at Sephiroth.
"Canāt you take a hint? Get out of this fanfic!" Aeris shouted. Sephirothās sword wavers and then he sheaths it. A tear trickles down his cheek.
"I was just trying to help..." Sephiroth walks off screen. Red XIII turns to Cloud.
"Where to now oh brave Ex-SOLDIER?" Red XIII asked. Cloud scratched his head.
"I guess that we should try to go around the fence and find a way around to the visitorās center," Cloud suggested. Aeris put her hands on her hips.
"Why donāt we wait here and see if help comes?" Aeris asked. Cloud pulled out his script of ĪJurassic Park.ā
"Cause that would mean this fanfic would be cut in half... We canāt have that," Cloud replied. Aeris thought for a second and nodded.
"Good point," Aeris smiled. They cautiously began to walk off into the jungle.
"Well... I have to say... Whatever dat fooā Yuffie did... She did it dang good!" Barret growled as he typed into the computer.
"Can we re-access the system controls?" Bugenhagen asked impatiently. Barret shrugged.
"Dunno... Da powers out all over da park and these computers aināt respondinā." Barret typed in a few more things into the computer. Just then, Tifa and Cid walked in.
"What the #&$* is going on!?" Cid roared in frustration. He pounded his hand on the table.
"Calm down Cid... This isnāt something to get so upset about..." Bugenhagen began. "Weāll have everything under control." Cid clenched his fist.
"No! I want Barret to stop using my trademark cigarette!" Cid shouted. Barret bit into the cigarette.
"Whose gonna make me?" Barret growled. Cid screamed and lunged at him. Barret smacked him in the forehead with his gun-arm. Cid collapsed on Barret and began to jab him in the side.
"Enough!" Tifa shouted. The two continued to beat each other. Bugenhagen tapped her.
"I think youāll have to do better than that..." Bugenhagen whispered.. Tifa groaned. She lifted up her shirt from her chest. Barret and Cid stopped dead in their brawl and stared at Tifa. She quickly recovered herself and narrowed her eyes.
"The power is out in the entire park is it not?" Tifa asked. Barret blinked.
"Why... uh... um... itās... breast, I mean yes... it is..." Barret was recovering from the sight.
"Then Cloud and the others are stuck out there with the power off and the storm brewing?" Tifa continued.
"It would... well... appear to be that your... would be large, I mean.... the chocosaurs would be at large in this circumstance," Cid stuttered. Tifa nodded. Bugenhagen bit his lip.
"That means my grandson is alone out there?" Bugenhagen gasped. He floated over to Cid. "Captain, Will you go and find my grandson and ancient daughter?" Cid though for a minute.
"With all the dangers out there, of course not..." Cid began and Tifa kicked him, "I mean... Of course!" He began to leave the room.
"Iām going with him," Tifa gestured to the game warden.
"Holy #$&*#(@)@ #&*(@#!" Cid shouted. "And Iām not talking about the White Materia!" The jeep pulled up next to the torn apart area, where one explorer had disappeared and the other was left vacant.
"Whereās the other explorer?" Tifa asked. She hopped out of the jeep and flashed her light around the area. She looked over the wreckage of the restroom. Cid followed and searched another area. She pushed some of the debris around and found the head of Cait Sithās Mog grinning at her. She shuddered. "I think I found some of Cait Sith."
"So did I..." Cid held up Cait Sithās arm. Tifa held her stomach to keep from throwing up.
"Mommy... When I grow up, I wanna be a chocobo..." a voice moaned from under some debris. Tifa and Cid both heard the sound and walked over to unveil the figure. Vincent groaned and coughed. "Iām going to have even more nightmares tonight... Ones with chocobos chasing me in the middle of the ocean and the Jaws theme cueing up.
"Vincent? Are you OK?" Tifa helped the man to his feet. Vincent clutched his side.
"Well... No," Vincent gasped. "But Iām sure anything you do could make me feel better," Vincent grinned. Tifa dropped him on the floor. Cid chuckled and helped him up.
"Cloud, whereād the others go?" Cid asked. Vincent groaned.
"I donāt know..." Vincent managed to say as Cid placed him into the jeep. Tifa hopped onto the concrete wall and looked down over the landscape.
"Hey! I found the other car!" Tifa shouted. She gestured for Cid to follow. They took a broken cable and shimmied down the face of the wall. Cid shined the light over the ground near the explorer.
"Foot prints..." Cid mumbled as he looked over them. He quickly made sure they werenāt the chocobo tracks from the world map. "These are from Cloud, Aeris and Red XIII."
"How can you tell?" Tifa asked. Cid took a smoke of his cigarette.
"Aeris has shoes that make Ronald McDonaldās look small. Red XIII has paws. And Cloud, Iām just taking a hunch on," Cid explained. Tifa nodded silently.
"I hope youāre wrong..." Tifa murmured.
"What?" Cid asked.
"About Aeris surviving..." Tifa whispered and smiled deviously.
Vincent stared down at the ground. His head was killing him and all he could see was chocobos running around his head. Suddenly, he felt a small vibration. He looked around.
"I donāt remember using a rumble pack in this fanfic..." Vincent looked around. His eyes fell on one of the chocoboās footprints. The water, which filled it, was rippling as he watched. "Oh... I really need to go to confession about those sins I keep blaming myself on..." Tifa and Cid climbed back up the wall and were walking towards the explorer. "Hey! Hurry up!"
::Still More Running cues in::
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrk!!" Tyranochoco emerged from the trees. Tifa and Cid hop into the car and Cid shifts into third gear. The tires screech as they hastily drive from the chocosaur. The chocosaur cries in defiance and chases the jeep. It's clawed feet tearing up the ground and shaking the area. Vincent gasped and turned around to Cid.
"We really have to go faster Cid. Can't you shift back and forth like you did on that train in Corel to speed this up?" Vincent asked.
"Shut up wise @*#!" Cid shouted. Vincent looked to the mirror.
"Things are closer than they appear... Hey! He's pretty far away!" Vincent turned around just as the Tyranochoco snapped at his cape and tore some fabric off it. Vincent pulled back and shivered. "Damn mirror... Hmm.... I wonder if Tifa looked in it, would her chest be larger than it appears? Or maybe it can't get any larg-" Vincent felt Tifa's hand smack him in the head.
"Stop the insults until we're far enough away from this thing so my favorites parts don't become its dinner!" Tifa snapped. Tifa whirled around as a huge tree bent over the road.
"Heads up #&$*@!" Cid screamed and ducked down. Everyone followed suit. The top lights of the jeep tore from the car as they barely squeezed under the log. The chocosaur screamed as it smacked into the tree and tripped. It snapped it's feather in disgust and turned away.
"Kuuuuuuu..." the chocosaur growled irritated.
"Hey! We're home free! Can I make fun of you now?" Vincent turned to Tifa. Cid shook his head.
"You better hold off on the insults, otherwise the Censorship Bureau is going to redeem this fanfic unfit for Senior Citizens, monkeys, and Cait Sith," Cid commented. Vincent laughed.
"They said the same thing about Parasite Eve, but you still saw Eve running around without her clothes in that!" Vincent retorted.
"Hey! This looks one of the trees from the Ancient Forest!" Cloud tapped the old tree.
"Can we climb up it to rest?" Aeris asked.
"Hmm... Let me check," Cloud touched the tree.
"Would you like to take a rest?" an eerie voice asked.
"Yes! Yes we do!" Cloud exclaimed. With that, Cloud, Aeris, and Red XIII climbed up the tree and onto one of the branches.
::Stupid Sleeping Theme cues in::
A few seconds later, Cloud looks up.
"I don't feel rested at all... What the hell was that!?" Cloud demanded. He turned to the tree. "Stupid tree! I'll show you!" He begins to kick it. A beehive falls from above and crashes on Cloud's head. "Ahhh! #&$*@(@)_()_!" Cloud screamed as he swipes at the bees. Aeris and Red XIII looked up.
"Huh? Where's Cid?" Aeris asked sleepily. She saw Cloud slashing at the bees with his sword.
"Omnislash!" Cloud shouted. A red aura of light flowed around him. Aeris and Red XIII watched in awe as he delivered an uncountable number of blows to the bees. They screamed and fell to the ground. Cloud brushed off his hands. Suddenly, four Brachiobo's heads reared from the jungle.
"Wooheehoo!" they sang in chorus. Red XIII shook himself.
"It seems you've attracted some attention Cloud," Red XIII laughed. Cloud groaned.
"As long as they don't bother me, I won't bother them," Cloud stated. A Brachiobo munched on greens from a tree overhead. Cloud smiled deviously. He leapt up and grabbed the trees from the branch. He tore them away from the chocosaur. Aeris pouted.
"Cloud! That was mean!" Aeris glared at him. The Brachiobo went to snatch them back. The chocosaur tugged as he pulled back.
"Come on! Show me what you've got!" Cloud shouted. He continued to pull. Aeris scowled and grabbed the greens from Cloud.
"It's no wonder animals like you!" Aeris turned to the Brachiobo. "Here you-" The Brachiobo sneezed.
"Achooheehoo!" the gust knocked Aeris back. The chocosaur took the greens and walked away. Aeris stood motionless.
"Ewwwwwwwww..." Aeris shivered. Cloud and Red XIII began to laugh. "Ooh... I'll get you Cloud Strife..."
"Good thing she didn't sneeze on me. It would have put out my tail!" Red XIII grinned to Cloud.
"I guess they just don't like the Scent of an Ancient... By Calvin Klein," Cloud held out a glass bottle to Aeris. Aeris knocked it away and growled.
"At least I don't smell like an Ex-SOLDIER that's been wearing the same damn outfit for five years straight!"
"All right... What're our options?" Bugenhagen growled.
"Well... Da computers iz out cause of ole Yuffie, Cloud, Aeris, and Red XIII are strollin' around da park, da power is out, and every chocobo here is on holiday," Barret complained.
"Remember, all major theme parks had there set backs," Bugenhagen tried to be optimistic.
"Yes, but the Mog's at the Gold Saucer didn't eat the touri-... Never mind, I take that back," Vincent kept a grin to himself.
"Is their anything we can do to restore the power and the computers?" Vincent asked. Barret thought for a minute.
"We can shut down the computers and restart the system," Bugenhagen concluded.
"But we ain't never done dat before," Barret complained. "Dey might not come back on and the system will be completely lost. I'm not doin' it!"
"Not to mention it'll turn off the Velocichoco fences! How else are we going to secure the park?" Cid asked with emphasis.
"Well... We have da chemical dat kills da J-E-N-O-V-A cells in da chocobos," Barret replied. "If we release dat, it'll cause all da chocobos to keel over and die."
"Jenova cells? But that'll kill Cloud too!" Tifa cried. Bugenhagen shook his head.
"And that chemical is known to have effects other creatures, it might very well kill Nanaki and Aeris as well," Bugenhagen shook his head. "No.... We can't resort to that." Bugenhagen floated over to Barret. "Barret.... Please restart the system." Barret groaned.
"Fine... I jes hope dis works," Barret groaned as he walked out of the room to prepare for the shut down.
"Hmm... Well what do you know..." Cloud looked down at a nest of hatched eggs.
"Oh! They're eggs!" Aeris exclaimed. "But I thought that the chocosaurs couldn't... you know..."
"Oh my god! They're Les-" Red XIII slammed his jaw shut and shuttered.
"They're not... The creatures have found a way to breed. Just like gamers have found a way to have Sephiroth in your party and resurrect Aeris," Cloud concluded.
"What?" Aeris said shocked.
"Never mind..." Cloud quickly added. "Let's continue on."
"Everybody ready," Barret positioned his hand on the power switch. All the computers read, 'It is now safe to turn off your computer.' "Hold on to your @#&#*." Barret flicked the switch. The entire building went dark. Barret flicked another few switches and then restarted the power.
"Did it work?" Tifa asked. Barret turned around and looked at the computer. A C: prompt blinked at the top of the screen.
"Looks like it," Barret began to type in keystrokes.
"Then how come the lights are still off?" Vincent asked. Cid glanced at him with the glint of a smile.
"What's the matter vamp? Are you afraid of the dark?" Cid chuckled.
"We need to restart da circuit breakers manually to turn da lights back on along with da rest of the fences in da park," Barret explained.
"Where do we do that?" Vincent asked.
"The utility shed. I'll go and turn 'em on now," Barret nodded. Bugenhagen returned the nod.
"Very well. We must take precautions while the powers all off," Bugenhagen floated across the room. "Let us take shelter in the safety bunker on the other side of the building until Barret returns."
Cloud, Aeris, and Red XIII walked into a large green field. Aeris was huffing and puffing.
"Why... did... I... have to be... this cast... character? You know... I'm not equipped... for this sort... of stuff," Aeris panted. Cloud shrugged.
"It's not my fault that ancients have bad fashion sense," Cloud retorted. Red XIII shook himself and growled.
"Must we continue on?" Red XIII added. "The sun is at it's peak and we're being roasted." Cloud thought for a minute.
"Yeah... I have noticed that your tail has been catching fire a lot lately... We better hurry to the visitor's center," Cloud continued.
"But my tail is always-" Red XIII began. Cloud held up his hands.
"No, no... I insist that we hurry on ahead no matter what the cost," Cloud added. They continued walking through the field. A group of chocosaurs began to herd through the field.
"Red? What kind of chocosaurs are those?" Cloud asked.
"I believe they're Gallichocos," Red XIII answered.
"Hmm... Look at how they're running. In straight complete herds. Almost like normal chocobos of our present time," Cloud wondered. The chocosaurs changed direction and began to head towards them.
"Umm... Cloud? I think it might be a wise idea to scream and jump out of the way," Aeris rushed out of the way as the chocosaurs began to herd through them.
"Wark!" a chocosaur called.
"Kuu!" another replied. Cloud and the others quickly found shelter under a huge log.
"Geez! It's a Chocobo Stampede!" Aeris frowned. Suddenly, the Falcon appeared in the sky and Setzer waved at them.
"Ah ha ha ha!! They all called me mad when they heard I had an ability called 'Chocobop!' They said it was useless! Now look who's laughing! Ha ha ha ha!" Setzer cried. "Eh?" Setzer turned just to watch as the Falcon crashed into a mountain and exploded. Setzer's shriek echoed through the valley.
"My brother... No..." a tear trickled down Sephiroth's cheek. He watched from the side of the screen.
"OK... This is where the author throws in something to break up the stupidity," Red XIII hinted. Just then, the Tyranochoco burst from the jungle and clamped it's beak across one of the Gallichocos. It wrenched it to the ground and began to crush it's battered body.
"Hmm... That's original!" Cloud exclaimed. Aeris tapped him.
"I think we better go incase that chocosaur is still hungry," Aeris warned.
Bugenhagen sat with Bill Cosby in the lunchroom.
"Hey man! Thanks for havin' my friend Barret in your fanfic story. It's been tough for him to get a job ever since that freak accident with his hand. And don't forget about this J-E-L-L-O that I brought. Remember, that's what your spoons for! Wahaha!" He nodded and walked off the screen. Tifa stared vaguely at the stupid cameo and sat down across from Bugenhagen. He looked much more withdrawn than usual.
::When Dreams Die cues in:: (Doesn't that title sound so much better than, 'Remembering Petticoat Lane?' The stupid title they use in the movie)
"Tifa... You know how it's funny when you put all your effort into making something that people will enjoy, yet it doesn't seem to be working out," Bugenhagen smiled sadly. "Well... You'd understand, I mean, look at all the work that you've had done on yourself to please others and yet your still single."
"Ahem..." Tifa said with an edge in her voice. "While that's not what I would have thought of, I do know the feeling your pointing at." Bugenhagen sighed.
"I wish I would have done a better job at this entire entertainment idea. I mean, you never dear anyone go on vacation to Cosmo Canyon. I was just hoping to make people happy and make a small profit," Bugenhagen moaned. "If there was something I could do to fix everything. Make it all right..." Tifa frowned.
"But there isn't anything you can do," Tifa exclaimed. "Back at Cosmo Canyon you could control everything. But here, you are powerless. You must see what is in your power and what isn't." Tifa stood up and stared at Bugenhagen. "Right now, three people are fleeing for their lives. They're in mortal danger with your 'attractions.' While this is no longer what you wanted, you must accept that this park is doomed." Bugenhagen was silent for a minute.
"You know Tifa... You're right! Everyone always presents you as just a sex object, but you really do have a great mind," Bugenhagen stood up and tapped his staff to the floor. He turned around. "When I was prepared to die... I gave Red XIII something very special. The Limited Moon... Now, I will give you my Full Moon." Tifa screamed and ran out of the room, shouting pervert. Bugenhagen scratched his head. "Was it something I said?"
"Damn! That damn #$^& takes his sweet #^$&#*#@ time!" Cid growled as he smoked a cigarette. Tifa sighed as she stared blankly out the window. Suddenly, she banged her hand down.
"I can't wait any longer... I have to go find them," Tifa stated.
"But... We haven't given him enough time yet," Bugenhagen protested. Tifa shook her head.
"No, I can't wait any longer," Tifa replied. Bugenhagen went to protest again but Tifa scowled. "Enough chauvinism. I'm twice the... I'm twice the character of any person in this game." Vincent sulked.
"I feel so violated..." Vincent murmured. Cid took a smoke of his cigarette.
"Well... If she's going to die... er... I mean go, I'll come with her," Cid exclaimed. He turned around and pulled a set of rifles from a closet and flashlights. He tossed the equipment to Tifa.
"I don't know how to use a rifle... That's more of Vincent's department," Tifa added. Cid shrugged.
"Fine... See how your Dolphin Blow fairs against a chocosaur," Cid replied. Bugenhagen handed Tifa a PHS.
"We'll be able to guide you from here," Bugenhagen explained. Tifa nodded and began to follow Cid out the door.
The jungle was swarming with sound. Insects, birds, and whatever other strange sound effects Square had managed to dig up, littered the background.
"This is scary..." Tifa shivered. Cid laughed.
"Why? You're with me!" Cid chuckled. Tifa shook her head.
"No. The fact that the background sounds like Secret of Evermore..." Tifa trailed off. Her gaze fell on the velocichoco pen. "Oh god..."
"Damn! They must have gotten out when the power was turned off!" Cid cursed. Cid gazed from left to right. His cigarette shifted in his lips. He quickly pulled Tifa along to the side and they made there way near the utility shed.
"Hey. The entrance is right there... If we run, we could make it..." Tifa exclaimed. Cid shook his head.
"No... We can't..." Cid took another smoke of his cigarette. "We're being hunted."
"Oh god... Being hunted by chocobos!" Tifa shook uncontrollably.
"Waaaaaaaaaarrkk..." a long weak growl emitted from the bushes. Cid aimed his rifle.
"I think I have him... Go... Go #&$*#(#)!" Cid shouted. Tifa gasped as he shoved her forward. Tifa dashed through the jungle. She did a few acrobatics, which seemed to increase the appeal of this fanfic, and made it to the utitlity... er... utility shed. Damn spell check.
Tifa traveled down the narrow shaft. The area was cloaked in darkness until Tifa turned on her flashlight. Tifa turned on her PHS.
"OK... I'm inside!" Tifa called into the microphone.
"Give it up old man! You can't win," Vincent said plainly. Bugenhagen scowled at him and turned back to the television.
"I'll get the top snow boarding score if it's the last thing I do!" Bugenhagen cried back. He controlled Cid on the snowboard.
"Personally, Tifa seems to handle the board better," Vincent added his comment.
"Shut up!" Bugenhagen shot back as he tried to concentrate.
"Hello?" Bugenhagen's PHS transmitted Tifa's voice. Bugenhagen picked it up. As he did, Cid let out a string of curses and crashed into a Mog.
"Huh? Nooooo!" Bugenhagen cried. "It was a 'run by Mogging!'" Vincent grabbed the PHS from Bugenhagen.
"Tifa?" Vincent asked.
"Yes. I just traveled down the stairs in the utility shed and there's a split in the hallway," Tifa told her PHS. Vincent nodded.
"OK... We don't want to bored the readers to death about turning left and right and such, so just do this... Close your eyes. And take one step forward," Vincent called into the PHS.
"OK..." Tifa did the action.
"Now open them," Vincent added. Tifa opened her eyes and saw the generator. Tifa scratched her head as she looked around.
"How the..." Tifa began.
"No time to explain... Now, in order to restart the circuit breakers, the starter switch must be manually charged," Vincent told Tifa. "See the switch?" Tifa nodded.
"Yes," Tifa replied.
"Now... Pull out the switch and push it up ten times," Vincent directed her. He quickly turned to the television and changed the channel. A visual of Tifa in front of the generator came on. He picked up a remote and pressed record. "OK... Start." Tifa bent down and up in an awkward position, similar to Cloud's squatting in the Wall Market. (Listen, I didn't make this up. The sickos that did this scene of Jurassic Park made it. It's not my fault it's so... perverted.)
"Hmm... The perimeter fence," Cloud looked up at the huge electric fence. He tapped the fence with his Buster Sword. "I think the power is off." Cloud walked over to the fence and grabbed it. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Aeris screamed. Cloud stopped and turned back to her, grinning.
"No offense Cloud, but that was stupid," Red XIII gritted his teeth from saying something even more insulting. Cloud shrugged.
"Neither of you guys are no fun. Now if Cid, or Barret or Tifa were here, they would have though I had done something funny," Cloud nodded. He gripped onto the cables. "We need to climb over this fence to reach the visitor's center."
"What? Climb that!? You're nuts!" Aeris put her hands on her hips.
"Hey! I climbed a mile long wire to save your butt in the Shin-Ra building!" Cloud replied. Aeris blushed.
"Well... No time like the present," Cloud began to climb the fence. Red XIII nodded and followed. Aeris moaned and quickly went after Cloud.
Vincent and Bugenhagen stared at the visual of Tifa manually charging the circuit breakers, probably close enough to damage there eye sight.
"God Bless America..." Vincent breathed to himself.
"6... 7... 8... 9... 10. Charged..." Tifa counted. Vincent smiled and stopped the recording and pulled out the tape.
"What's that for?" Bugenhagen asked. Vincent smiled.
"Blackmail..." Vincent replied hastily. He turned back to the PHS. "Now... Remember that extra battery you bought from that moron in Wall Market?"
"Yes... That guy ripped us off!" Tifa complained.
"OK... Take out that extra battery and place it in the generator," Vincent commanded. Tifa did so and the system started up.
"Wait... Why did I have to char-" Tifa began.
"No time to explain now... Now, each section of the park should be an individual button. Push each of them to restart the power..." Vincent told his final directions.
"Yes! And he makes the dismount!" Cloud and Red XIII land on the ground on the other side of the fence. Cloud pulls out his sword and starts spinning it on his finger. It slips and goes flying into Red XIIIs head.
"Owwwww! You stupid... SOLDIER!" Red XIII shot at him.
"Ooh! You've really insulted me there!" Cloud laughed. "What's the matter? Cait Sith got your tongue?" Red XIII moaned.
"I wish I didn't have to be such an apathetic jerk," Red XIII put his head on the ground, waiting while Aeris climbed down the fence.
"Urrghh! I can't... do it... Cloud!" Aeris moaned.
"Maybe if you didn't wear such big shoes you'd..." Cloud began.
"Shut up and help me down!" Aeris screamed. "I want my Holy!"
"Don't make us cue up a theme from the Olympics," Red XIII laughed.
"Beginning the reactivation of the fences," Tifa called into her PHS.
Sirens blared throughout the park. Aeris cried out and fell from the fence. She landed with a thud on the ground. Cloud went over to Aeris, with concern.
"Are you OK?" Cloud asked. Aeris looked up.
"Yeah... No thanks to you!" Aeris shot back. Cloud turned to the sirens.
"I wonder what those mean," Cloud put his hand on the power cable to support himself as he wondered.
Tifa slowly went down the line of fences. Gaining speed as she flicked each switch.
"Cloud! I think you should get away from that fence!" Aeris warned him.. Cloud laughed.
"Oh! What's going to happen to me? Am I going to get hurt by the loud sirens?" Cloud mocked Aeris' concern.
"I would listen to her," Red XIII added.
Tifa pressed the switch above the perimeter fence.
"Why? I bet those alarms are just welcoming bells," Cloud exclaimed. "Saying congratulations for climbing the fence! Or maybe they're telling us something is going to happen... Just like Leene's Bell when Marle was thrown from the middle of the square by-" (Chrono Trigger)
Tifa pressed the power switch for the perimeter fence.
Power surged though the cables. Cloud screamed as the jolt coursed through his body and threw him away from the fence.
"Cloud!" Aeris screamed.
"Ugh..." Cloud managed a reply.
"Mr. Valentine... I think we're back in business," Tifa laughed as she watched the lights go on.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrk!!" a chocosaur screamed and smashed against the metal wiring blocking it from Tifa.
"Ahhhhh!" Tifa screamed.
"What happened?" Bugenhagen asked. The visual went blank and the PHS died. Vincent growled and slammed the PHS down.
"Woooooheehoo!" the chocosaur charged the fence again. It's claws and talons tore at the mesh. Tifa screamed as she kicked the gate, in attempt to drive the chocosaur back. The chocosaur dashed again and bit at the metal. Clanking mixed with angry chirps filled the shed. Tifa cried out and shoved the door open, throwing the chocosaur off balance. She ran back into the wall behind her as she watched the chocosaur. Suddenly, she felt Barret's gun-arm fall on her shoulder. Tifa cried out and then looked at the arm.
"Oh! Barret..." Tifa began. She watched in horror as his gun-arm slid from the wall with no body. Tifa turned dead white. The chocosaur rammed the cage confine again. Tifa brought up the lifeless arm and shook it. A barrage of bullets fired off at the chocosaur. The chocosaur screeched and jumped back from the assault. Tifa threw the arm aside. She made a wild dash through the hallways and up the stairs. The chocosaur screamed in frustration and snapped back up in a vain attempt to follow her. She gasped as she slammed the Utility Shed door shut.
"Ahh... There you are #^$&#" Cid smiled as he positioned the rifle at the velocichoco's head. It regarded him slowly. It's eyes seemed focused on something else. Cid prepared the rifle to fire. Suddenly, he felt a vibration in the bushes and a velocichoco head came into view. The brown and dark yellow feathers made perfect camouflage for the elusive predator. Its beak carried a cigarette in it, mocking Cid as it stared at him.
"Clever #^$&#" Cid cried as the velocichoco screamed and jumped at him. His cigarette flew from his mouth and landed a few feet away. The other chocosaur walked over and picked it up in it's beak. Cid let out the Guinness's World Record number of curses in one sentence.
"Cloud? Are you all right?" Aeris shook him. She yelped as static electricity zapped her back. Cloud moaned and shook his head. Electricity bounced from his sword to his head.
"Oww... That told me..." Cloud groaned as he rubbed his head. He suddenly let his hand fall on his hair. "My... hair! Noooooooooooooooo! It's all messed up from the voltage!" Cloud shouted and put his hands up into the air in rage.
Slowly but surely, the team made it back to the visitor's center. Cloud continuously shocked anyone who came to close to him. Aeris gasped as she found a chair and sat down. Red XIII sat down beside her. Cloud touched his forehead. A small jolt of electricity sparked from his finger.
"Ow!" Cloud cried. Then he felt his stomach hurt and belched. Aeris grimaced.
"Eww... Bolt Breath..." Aeris spat. (SaGa Frontier) Cloud shook his head to stop the constant ringing in his head.
"I'm going to find the others. You stay inside here where it's safe,.... except when chocosaurs break in," Cloud staggered out of the room.
Tifa warily walked through the jungle towards the visitor's center. Her eyes darting from bush to bush. She heard a sizzle and then a moan. She turned and found Cloud wandering through the jungle.
"Cloud!" Tifa cried. Cloud looked up.
"Tifa?" Cloud looked up at her. Tifa dashed forward and hugged him.
"Ouch!" Tifa jumped back. Cloud's charge zapped her back. "Cloud? What's the matter?" Cloud brushed himself, trying to rid his electric charge.
"Oh, I just had a run in with a fence... I beat him though," Cloud reassured her. "I wonder who had the nerve to turn it on though..." Tifa blushed.
"It was probably Vincent. He's always wanted to kill you and steal your part as main character," Tifa suggested. Cloud nodded.
"Yes... It all makes sense now..." Cloud pulled out a notepad. "Note: Kill Vincent... Possibly Barret if I have time." Tifa looked around.
"Where's Aeris and Red XIII? They aren't with you... So does this mean Aeris is dead...?" Tifa asked eagerly. Before Cloud could reply, Tifa jumped into the air. "Yes! That ^#&$* is dead!" Cloud shook his head.
"No. They're waiting for us at the visitor center," Cloud explained. Tifa sighed.
"Mmmm! This JELLO pudding is great! And the best thing is every time we say JELLO, we get $1,000!" Aeris exclaimed. She scooped the contents of a pudding snack into her mouth. Red XIII nodded.
"Too bad we can't repeatedly say JELLO and get more money..." Red XIII replied. Suddenly, Red XIII noticed shadows dancing on the wall, the shapes of chocosaurs. "Aeris...?"
"What?" Aeris asked. She was making shadow hand puppets on the wall using a flashlight. "I'm bored." She made the small shadow jump. "Look! Hehehe! I made him jump!" Suddenly, two more shadows joined the act.
"Hey! Nice trick!" Red XIII exclaimed. Aeris shook her head.
"That wasn't me..." Aeris noticed the shadows getting larger. "Umm... Big Red... Run..." Aeris jumped from the table and dashed into the kitchen. Red XIII turned around just as the two shadows shaded the hall. The snorts of the two velocichocos echoed through the hall. Red XIII scrambled from his chair and dashed after her. The two velocichocos stepped into the room. One sniffed the JELLO.
"Wark!" the chocosaur cried and then devoured it, container and all. The other velocichoco hopped onto a table and stared at the door that had just closed.
"Where is the other velocichoco?" Cloud asked, after he had heard the entire story from Tifa.
"It's in the Utility Shed," Tifa answered.
"Can it escape?" Cloud added.
"Not unless it can open doors..." Tifa replied.
The velocichocos beak pecked at the glass window on the door. The window fogged from its breath. The door shook slightly. The door handle turned and the door shook again. The door swung open. The velocichoco stepped into the room, it's claws tapping the floor.
"Wooheehoo!" the velocichoco rose it's head into the air and chirped. The sound deafened Aeris and Red XIII, who were hiding at the other end of the room behind a cabinet. The other chocosaur came up beside her.
"Wark!?" the velocichoco clucked and snapped at the other.
"Kuuuuuu..." the other growled irritably. They scouted around the room, searching for whomever had just entered. Aeris began to crawl away to a hiding place. Red XIII looked back and decided to try a different way.
"Red..." Aeris whispered. Red XIII ignored her. One of the chocosaurs hopped onto the kitchen table. It swung its tail and ruffled its feathers.. Pottery and cooking utensils clanged to the floor. Red XIII cried out and continued to crawl behind cabinets. One chocosaur growled softly and inspected the fallen apparel closely. It pecked a ladle on the floor. Suddenly, Red XIII's PHS went off.
"Damn... I should have gotten vibrating message alert..." Red XIII cursed himself. The two chocosaurs growled irritably. They turned and prepared to attack the unfortunate loser hiding behind the far off cabinet. Aeris gasped. She searched herself to find something that would make noise. She pulled out a Tamagatchi. She eyed it and then turned on the sound. The Tamagatchi immediately went off. Aeris cried out and tossed it away. The velocichocos roared and turned back to the Tamagatchi. One screeched and dove for it. Aeris cried out and slid into one of the cabinets. She quickly closed the compartment. Red XIII, seeing his chance to escape, while the other chocosaurs chewed on the Tamagatchi, rushed off towards the nearest exit. One chocosaur stopped, the chain sticking out of it's mouth. It slurped up the link and chased after Red XIII. As he entered the room, Red XIII cried out as his feet spread out in all directions. He was in the freezer. The chocosaur dashed into the room after him
"Waaaaaak!" the chocosaur protested as it slipped to the side and crashed into a few crates. Red XIII stumbled to get up. The chocosaur pedaled towards him and leapt into the air. A light bulb appeared over Red XIII's head.
"Dodge Chocosaur!" Red XIII spun out of the way as the velocichoco smacked into the wall. (SaGa Frontier) Red XIII took this opportunity to run from the room. Aeris, who had slipped from her hiding spot, joined Red XIII in the escape. The other chocosaur eyed them angrily.
"Kuu...." the chocosaur growled.
"Cloud!" Aeris cried as they met up with Cloud and Tifa in the restaurant. "They're in there!" Cloud eyed the door.
"I'll give 'em a Meteor they'll never forget!" Cloud prepared his limit gauge. Tifa grabbed him and shook her head.
"No. We don't know how strong these chocobos are. We were never able to defeat one in battle..." Tifa urged Cloud away. Cloud groaned.
"Oh... They did in Final Fantasy Tactics..." Cloud moaned. The team ran off into the computer lab.
"We have to access the locks," Tifa said quickly. "The chocosaurs are right..." she gasped as the velocichoco grinned as it stared into a porthole in the wall. Cloud slammed the door shut. He kept his hand on the doorknob.
"Heh! She's not getting in here!" Cloud exclaimed. He felt the doorknob turn. "Oh #&$@!" Cloud held the door firm. Tifa was preparing her gun. "Tifa... Help me!" Tifa cried out in frustration.
"Damn this gun! I wish I had been an engineer... Not a bartender!" Tifa tossed the gun aside and pushed on the door. They both strained as the chocosaur edged further. Aeris turned from the melee and looked at the computer.
"Hey! They have Windows 98!" Aeris exclaimed. "I want to play Minesweeper!" Red XIII growled.
"Umm... Can we settle the task at hand?" Red XIII tapped her. Aeris sighed.
"I guess..." she double clicked on 'My Only Hope.' And accessed the 'Control Panel.' She scanned through the icons.
"Hurry!" Red XIII growled.
"Wark! Wark! Wark!" the chocosaur was ChocoAttacking the door. (Final Fantasy Tactics)
"There has to be one with security..." Aeris groaned. She continued to search the panels. "Hey! Here it is!" Aeris double clicked on security.
"Now recovering lost files using McNorton Utilities..." the computer stated. (Lame personal joke from Final Fantasy Tactics) Aeris watched as all the lost files corrected themselves. Aeris clicked on locking all doors. Cloud pulled out a Carob Nut Bar and shoved it in his mouth.
"There's a hunger inside me!" Cloud shouted. He screamed and rammed the door. The chocosaur cried out as it knocked off balance. The door locked.
"Huh?" Vincent was smoking one of Cid's cigarettes. Bugenhagen was busy reading up how he would be in Final Fantasy 8. He pulled out his PHS.
"Vincent... The PHS are working," Cloud chuckled.
"And the children?" Bugenhagen demanded from the otehr side of the room.
"Safe... Call those damn Shin-Ra and let's get off this island," Cloud began. A window smashed in the background.
"It's breaking through!" Tifa screamed. The PHS dropped to the floor and another crash was heard. Bugenhagen clenched his fist.
"Damn you Chocobos!!!!" Bugenhagen screamed.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaarrkk..." the velocichoco growled. It watched as Aeris scrambled up a ladder and kicked it aside. It watched curiously as the ceiling tiles rippled beneath the team's weight. "Wooheehoo!" The chocosaur jumped up and crashed into the tile. Aeris screamed as she clutched the side of the broken ceiling. The chocosaur lay stunned on the floor.
"Hey! This didn't happen in the Shin-Ra building!" Aeris wailed. Cloud pulled her up just as the chocosaur made a snap for her leg. They quickly made their way through the ceiling and onto a balcony in the main room.
"Come on!" Cloud urged as he hopped onto a chocosaur skeleton. The others followed. Suddenly, a growl was heard, and the chocosaur was behind them.
"Wooheehoo!!!" the chocosaur screeched. It lunged at the skeleton. The entire structure cracked at broke apart. SOLDIER, Ancient, Nanaki, Bartender, and Chocosaur crashing to the floor. The chocosaur growled as it regained its poise. Cloud pulled out his Nail Bat.
"This ends here!" Cloud cried. A growl came from behind them. The other chocosaur emerged from an under construction area. Tifa narrowed her eyes.
"We can't take both at once Cloud... This is a bad Pincer Attack..." Tifa shifted back and forth.
"Yeah... Just like those Tyrannosaurs in Final Fantasy 6 (3)," Cloud added.
"Hey guys! I'm back!" Sephiroth came flying down in an FMV scene and stabbed one of the chocosaurs with his Masamune. It fell limply to the ground. Sephiroth grinned. "Here you go Cloud." He tossed Cloud a huge bazooka.
"What's this?" Cloud asked. Sephiroth nodded.
"It's loaded with your Jenova cells. It'll weaken the chocosaurs and kill them," Sephiroth smiled. (Parasite Eve) "Now... I have to..." Sephiroth screamed as a velocichoco trampled him and dragged him away. Three other velocichocos appeared from the outside. Cloud aimed his new gun and blasted them.
"Take this scum!" Cloud fired. It took out two, but missed the third. Cloud tried to fire, but he was out of ammo.
"Hey! Aya never ran out of ammo in the ending!" Cloud threw the gun down.
"Should have had 'Burst Effect' on," Tifa scolded him. (Parasite Eve) Two more chocosaurs appeared from other directions.
"Hey! This isn't how it happened in the movie..." Aeris hid behind Cloud.
"I wonder if this can get any worse..." Cloud's eyes darted from velocichoco to velocichoco.
Suddenly the fanfic shifted into another FMV sequence. Brownish red colored cells flowed across the floor and up a Tyranochoco skeleton. The skeleton shook and tore itself from the wire supports. It roared and began to walk towards the group. (Parasite Eve... Again)
"Oh nuts..." Red XIII groaned. The chocosaurs circled the team. One velocichoco prepared to leap onto the team, but just then...
::Jurassic Park Theme::
The Tyranochoco burst into the room and bit into the velocichoco. It shook him and crushed him into the ground.The other chocosaurs, including the one with Eve... er... Jenova's cells. The Tyranochoco cried out as a velocichoco climbed onto it's back and scratched at it's back. Cloud quickly lured everyone away from the HBO fight and outside. The Tyranochoco kicked another velocichoco and sent it crashing into the others. Then, it snared the one on it's back and swung it at the animated skeleton. The skeleton burst apart with a nice 'Bowling Strike' sound effect. The Tyranochoco roared as the banner reading, "When Chocobos Ruled the Earth..." fell behind her.
Cloud and the others ran into the jeep.
"Bugenhagen. After careful reasoning, I've decided to Stop Fire Forest Fires... I mean, not endorse your park," Cloud quickly banished the other phrase.
"Hmm... I guess I will too... I mean... So Have I!" Bugenhagen quoted from the movie. The Jeep sped off to the Highwind Port.
::When Dreams Die, Aftermath Finale::
Cloud sighed as he sat on the Highwind, staring off into the sunset. Aeris and Red XIII were down resting below. Tifa leaned on the controls as the pilot piloted the plane. Vincent was in his usual spot. Bugenhagen floated somewhere below. Vincent suddenly hopped from his usual spot and walked over to Cloud.
"You know Cloud... This has been a long fanfic..." Vincent gasped. Cloud nodded.
"Yeah... So?" Cloud didn't quite get the picture.
"Well... You have to choose an ending," Vincent explained. Cloud scratched his head.
"Oh... Why do I have to make these decisions..." Cloud moaned. Vincent pulled out a notepad.
"I have some endings if you're interested..." Vincent began.
"I'm interested! Tell me!" Cloud grabbed Vincent by the cape. Vincent nodded.
"Well... We could do Blue's SaGa ending, where we just write... 'The End,' with a worse ending than Final Fantasy VII," Vincent read off.
"Next..." Cloud passed.
"How about Red's ending... Where we advertise Xenogears," Vincent suggested.
"Nahh..." Cloud waved the idea away.
"How about a nice dramatic ending," Vincent gestured to a flock of Black Chocobos flying by.
"God no..." Cloud waved them away. One of the chocobos got insulted and spit at him.
"We could have an 'Alien' ending," Vincent mentioned. Suddenly, a velocichoco climbed aboard the craft and screeched.
"Something has survived!" Cloud screamed. He pulled out the Cell gun from Parasite Eve and blasted him off the ship. The velocichoco cried as it crashed into the ocean. Emerald WEAPON eyed it suspiciously. "Um... Nex=..."
"We could do this one..." Vincent whispered something into his ear. Cloud smiled and nodded.
"I like that one! Let's do it!" Cloud ran over to the pilot. "Captain! Accelerate to 90 MPH..."
"You got it!" the pilot exclaimed.
::Back to the Future Theme cues in::
The Highwind shifts around and speeds up.
"80... 85... 88..." Cloud read the speedometer.
The Highwind flashed and two streaks of fire appeared where the Highwind would have been.
"Not to be Continued... Due to Budget Cuts..." (Just like the Mario Bros. Movie)
"CHOCOBO PARK!" logo appears. The Tyranochoco's head bursts through it..
::Jurassic Park Theme cues in::
Hmm... I wonder what Steven Spielberg would think of this fanfic. Anyway. Hello again! Thanks for reading my longest fic yet, and hopefully one of my best. I did just write this so it would be one of the best right? Anyway, before I go into a formal dictation, here's a pretty list of humor and facts.
1. 65,000,000 seconds in the making, er.... sort of. Over 100K of fanfic goodness!
2. "Something Might Survive" was the original catch phrase for this fic when it was being 'advertised.'
3. If you never saw Jurassic Park, I pity you for actually reading this fanfic and having no idea what the hell was going on.
4. The death tally was high in this fic, try to think on the bright side... Which was... Next number.
5. No Chocobos were harmed in the writing of this fanfic
6. Major spoilers all around this fanfic, Good thing I told you ahead of time.
7. You guys should feel good, this fanfic will never be translated into Japanese! ^_^
8. If you'd like to learn more about chocobos and chocosaurs, check your local library for details.
9. Chocobos used to really exist, except they were killed off along with the Dodo.
10. For all you curious people, October 13th, the date this fanfic was release, is the author's birthday.
Now that this fic is finally done, I can relay everything to you guys.
Congratulations. You just managed to read my 30th work! ^_^ I don't think there is any other Final Fantasy Fanfiction author that can top that! Well... Except for that Sleeping Old Man...
You can contact me at...
You can other works of mine at...
- Christopher La Bianca AKA Geode, Fanfiction Writer