Problems (gasp!) with recent Final Fantasies

by Lord Bahamut 

Final Fantasy VI
I'll start with the classic FF6. First, I'd like to state that FF6 is a wonderful game, taking second place (IMO) to Chrono Trigger as being the best one made for the Super NES. But there were some things about it I just didn't like. For example, throughout the entire game there is no clear-cut leader, or "hero" if you will, that everyone can follow. Any one of the characters would have made a capable leader, with a couple of exceptions: Umaro, being a caveman/yeti; Relm, being ten years old and annoying; and Gogo, being a Mime (a born follower). That kind of instability is something I dislike. Next is the insanely low stamina of the villain, Kefka. With only a moderate amount of preparation, he can fall in a mere three commands. Rather anticlimactic in my eyes, after seeing him kick/fry/stab everyone who opposes him time and again. I mean, he poisons everyone inside Doma Castle, which includes some Imperial personnel, because their initial attacks have failed, for Pete's sake!

Final Fantasy VII
Next is everyone's favorite spikey-headed, big sword-wielding hero from FF7, Cloud. There are so many things wrong with him, I don't know where to begin. He is a pansy. If he weren't so strong I might've hated him intensely, as opposed to the mild dislike I had for him. At first, he starts out all like, "Oh, I only care about getting this job done and getting paid." Then Aeris shows up and he does a complete turn-around: "I only care about protecting Aeris." Then Aeris dies and he only cares about killing Sephiroth. And the whole time, he's not really himself. He falls into the Lifestream and we find out he actually thought he was Zack. Wussy!

Of course, he wasn't the only one I found problems with. I'll give summaries for everyone else:

• Barret: Single-minded hardheadedness in the beginning, then he gets all mushy when it comes to the daughter that's not even his
• Tifa: She knows the truth about Cloud all along but never says a thing. In fact, she tells Cloud, when Sephiroth messes with his head in the Northern Crater, that anything Sephiroth says is a load of crap
• Aeris: She wonders about and questions her heritage forever, then decides, "Oh, I'm gonna go die for the Planet" and up and leaves one day
• Red XIII: A fierce lion when you recruit him, but then you get to Cosmo Canyon and he turns into a big, fluffy kitten because of his grandpa
• Yuffie: She steals your materia, then expects you to forgive and forget when you bust her and save her from certain sex at the hands of Corneo
• Vincent: He just . . . is never a very significant character. Whether or not you get him has no impact on the story whatsoever
• Cid: He doesn't swear enough (or at least there isn't enough of it uncensored). He runs like he has a stick up his rear. Other than that, I liked him
• The Turks: You fight them, you help them. You run in fear, then you laugh at their drunkenness. And Elena? Don't get me started . . .
• Sephiroth: He confused me the most. Is he dead? Is he alive? Why is he all-powerful in the flashback, then a pushover in the final battles?

Final Fantasy VIII
Now for FF8, which I saw the most problems in. Up until the end of Disc Two, Squall, the protagonist, is the ultimate cold shoulder. He has a "screw-the-world" attitude; when Quistis pours her heart out to him in the secret meeting place (or whatever it is called), and she asks him to listen, he tells her to "go talk to a wall." Then sweet, innocent Rinoa comes along. After she falls into that coma after the fight with Edea, he flip-flops and suddenly only cares about her. "I only want to hear her voice again," he blubbers. After seeing him be a total and complete jerk since the very beginning, I was thoroughly sickened. I felt like smacking him and pulling the plug on Rinoa's life support. And I remained sickened the whole rest of the game, up until the final battle, because I never used her as an active party member. In the final battle, if someone dies, they get "Absorbed into Time" and someone else takes their place. Allowing everyone but my party members to die is the only way to get my people, since Ultimecia randomly chooses two others to fight. I had fun, 'cause I got to kill Rinoa and Irvine and Selphie and watch their corporeal beings get disassembled at a molecular level and be dispersed into the unyielding stream of Time. And Seifer just angered me to no end. I'm not even gonna get into him.

In closing, while Final Fantasy was overall a satisfying game series, sometimes I just get mad at the blatant screw-ups in the games. I'll end this article with my favorite quote from FF7 which illustrates the point that a long day of programming and a Japanese-English dictionary add up to fun with grammar!

Please send all comments and such to me, Lord Bahamut, at the following address: lordbahamut@vegasvalley.com