A guide to spoilers, and how to avoid them.

by Sailor Venus 

Submitted by: (Sailor Venus)
Spelling 2
Grammar 1.5
Coherency 1.5
Strength of Arguments 2
Presentation 1.5
Originality 1
Penalties 1
Total 8.5

We've all been there (unfortunately). Someone or something has slipped up in conversation, reporting, whatever, and your RPG has now been spoiled. Here's a little guide I've compiled, listing spoilers, spoiler warnings and what YOU can do to avoid spoilers.

Spoiler No.1

Spoiler No.1 takes the form of your friend who is over eager about his/her new RPG (which you also own), and s/he is farther into the game than you are. Everytime you meet him/her (hope that this does not become as frequent as every day) you are rewarded with a new nugget of knowledge to spoil your game just that little bit more. But what can you do to stop this?

a. Ask your friend to be quiet... civilly or less civilly, the choice is yours, but the not-so-civil could lose a friend here!!!

b. Place your hands over your ears and chant (as loud as you possibly can, don't worry if you're in public!) LALALALALA!

c. Do the same as in b, and run off, fast as you can, and DON'T LOOK BACK!

Congratulations, you have beaten Spoiler No.1. Let's move on to No.2.

Spoiler No.2

Spoiler No.2 counts for those who frequent chat programs, like mIRC. Picture this: you have just started playing a nice new RPG, so you decide to join the channel dedicated to that game... or maybe to a channel related to that game (just to be careful of any spoilage). Another happy gamer comes into the channel and before you can type /Part #ff8, your game has been spoiled! Noooo!!! Fight internet spoilage! Here's how!

a. Don't join the channel dedicated to your game until you have completed the game.

b. Don't join any channel dedicated to the series of games to which your game belongs, until you have completed the game. Yes, people WILL speak about Final Fantasy VII in #ff8, and they WILL tell you so-and-so about Kefka, Sephiroth, (insert other evil dude here) in #ff9...

c. Type /Quit. Fast! And disconnect your modem! Yank out the telephone cable! Unplug the computer!!!

Now for Spoiler No.3, which I have managed to avoid so far...

Spoiler No.3

Spoiler No.3 is something I've been lucky enough to avoid, but I've heard people mention this form of spoilage in the Editorials. They are Game Magazines (cue scary music). Those little captions under pictures in the review (or even the reviews themselves) of your sparkly, vacuum-packed game can spoil your RPG! Don't let it happen to you!

a. Don't read the review... well okay read it if you must, but don't read those captions, don't look at the pictures (have a friendly neighbour paste old newspaper cuttings onto the pictures and their captions). Be strong!

b. Don't buy the magazine! (Magazine editors attack) ...Er... yes, buy the magazines, just do as I said in a. Please!

And finally... Spoiler No.4!!!

Spoiler No.4

Spoiler No.4 is an editorial! They often contain spoilers (gasp), but thankfully, they also contain spoiler warnings (huge sigh of relief).

a. If you see *spoiler* don't read the editorial!!!

The point of this has been:

Use spoiler warnings! Please use spoiler warnings! BLESS THE SPOILER WARNINGS!!!

While this editorial has the best intentions in the world, and I'd love to give it a higher score, I really can't. It feels very rushed, it's scrappy, it certainly doesn't debate whether different kinds of spoilers and situations may be justified, and the humor that's there isn't really funny.

The main impression I got when reading this editorial was that so much of the information was self-evident. If you go into a channel on IRC dedicated to a game without expecting there to be spoilers then you deserve to be spoiled. Likewise, it's fair to expect a review of a game to have at least minor spoilers.

The presentation's a nice idea, but again it's spoiled both by blocks of capital letters and also by the astounding amount of exclamation marks used.

All in all, I have to give this a D, but only just bad enough to be a D. While it's a nice idea, the lack of depth and clarity and the rushed nature really put me off. Also, she made an error in reading the rules by breaking the rule concerning personal information, which further shows the rushed nature of the editorial.

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