POURQUOI?!?

by Andrew Long 

Okay. I could take it when Vagrant Story was delayed a couple days because of the instruction manuals. I could even handle it when Chrono Cross came to town a little bit behind schedule. Legend of Mana, Threads of Fate- heck, I didn't even get those (yet), so who am I to complain? I mean, people who speak French deserve an instruction manual they can read too, do they not? I mean, it's not a language that doesn't deserve recognition, right? Hey, it's even one of the official Canadian languages, so these instruction manuals should -nay, MUST- come in french as well as english. Well, unfortunately, one of the brilliant fellows over at Squaresoft neglected that minor detail, because when I picked up Final Fantasy IX today, it was entirely FRENCH! Fortunately for me, I took french for ten years in school, so I can decipher most of what I'm reading. This is not the case for everyone, however, and I think it's time this stupidity ends.

So, for those of you who don't live in Canada, here's a little background onto this whole mess. About 400 years ago, French settlers colonized North America. Being nice fellows, they even made friends with some of the natives in the area (horrible mistreatment was an idea that arose somewhat later). Things proceeded blissfully thereafter; once all those scurvy dogs discovered that eating an orange or two occasionally would keep them from dying, the only problem was the deucedly cold Canadian weather-- and, of course, the Brits that came over hot on their tails. What followed was roughly 225 years of wrangling, war, and mistreatment of the native population, culminating in the division of North America into the United States, and British North America. Which, unfortunately, overlooked a minor detail: all those pesky French people still hanging around, who by now had just as much right to be here as anyone.

What followed was a natural extension of British pomposity. By the middle of the 19th century, things had stratified into Upper Canada and Lower Canada. Now, you'd think this was a geographical connotation, but unfortunately, it was kind of a result of the Loyalists thinking they were better than everyone else (which probably explains why they didn't stick around when George Washington et al busted up the southern latitudes). In point of fact, Lower Canada was actually further north, had a higher population- and a much lower standard of living, by virtue of evil, evil Brits. To make a long story short, eventually they all started feeling sorry for themselves, and a few rebellions later, they were reluctantly dragged into the mess that is Canada, with no real improvement in their status.

Until around 1950, when overt racism against the French people effectively stopped. Things improved further with the Quiet Revolution, which was essentially all these downtrodden Quebeckers realizing they didn't really have to be downtrodden. The previous attitudes continued to rear their ugly heads occasionally, of course, but by the '60s, a French Prime Minister was in power, so things got better, even though a terrorist group called the FLQ stirred up some trouble and even necessitated (well... this is debatable) martial law for a time. Bored yet? I'm getting to the point, so stick with me. In the fallout from this ugly little mess, French was declared one of the country's national languages, and forcibly rammed down the collective throat of the 90% of the population whose first language was English. Fine. We downtrod you for a few centuries, now we have to learn your language. I guess it's a reasonable tradeoff. Unfortunately, things didn't quite stop there. Instead, cereal boxes, road signs, and all other manner of junk eventually came to appear in both French and English, wasting ink, spawning various lawsuits (Quebec v. Irwin Toy, 1986) and, worst of all, creating the language police in Quebec.

So what, you ask, is a Language Police? Well, these nifty fellers, created in the aftermath of a failed separation attempt and a couple of failed constitutional amendments, were basically given the powers to run around Quebec looking for signs either a) in English or b) with English lettering that's bigger than the French. If this sounds unconstutional or illegal, it is, but the Canaidan constitution comes equipped with a handy little clause which allows the government to run roughshod over the people should they so choose. So they chose, and since the inception, these police have been a headache for shopkeepers, pulling down signs, raining harrassment, lawsuits, court orders, and threatened legal action on their poor, anglo-saxon heads. I guess, then, it was only logical that eventually some of the busybodies would clue in and demand that the poor, downtrodden French videogamer be given the right to read instructions to a game, fully in English (at least it better be... I haven't opened it yet, but it says version Francais on the front... If it's in french I'm gonna flip out) that they want to play. Fine. Good for you.

What bothers me to no end is the fact that this always amounts to a delay for the rest of Canada, because the jerks over in Language Police demanded that this initiative take place countrywide. End result: games late, games with annoying French manuals which I never read, and now, games with annoying French manuals that I HAVE to read, since there's no English ones to be found. Revenge? Maybe, but I've never done anything to the French-Canadian populace! Hell, my grandfather was even a stereotypical French-Canadian. I just think that it's time people let bygones be bygones. Nobody under the age of 35 even cares about that sort of thing anymore, and it's ridiculous that the government, and companies like Square, should have to pander to these whiny, petty-minded language police, every single time something isn't in French. My letters are bigger than yours? Come on... that's an argument that belongs in kindergarten. Well, I'm off to find out if my game is in English. It damned well better be.