Fantasy Can Be Explained, Ya Know

by BL Alien 

Your letter was certainly interesting, Master Tonberry, but I think I can answer your supposedly rhetorical questions about the monsters found in RPG's. But before that, let me tell you about this RPG for the Super Nintendo titled "Earthbound". Basically, the plot revolves around a big ol' alien destroying the world ten years from now, and one of the great warriors from that future (a talking bee named Buzz Buzz) comes back in time to the present and sends you on your mission to (you guessed it!) destroy this alien. Anyway, my point is how Buzz Buzz explains the situation. I'd quote it exactly, but my SNES is all the way downstairs, and I'm not hooking it up and starting a new game just to quote something for you, but I'll tell you what he says. He talks about how this alien hypnotized many people, took control of almost every animal on the planet, and sent forth his own army to make the world a better place. While this may be the only RPG that actually says this out loud, I believe that almost all fantasy RPG villains have a similar strategy. So now that that's been explained, let's move on:

1: You claim that the behavior of the woodland creatures in RPG's is extremely unrealistic. This may be the truth, but remember that these animals are being controlled against their own will. The villain (think about your favorite Squaresoft villain for a sec) probably didn't take the time to research every single animal on the planet just so he could make them act realistically while they make the trade routes and the railroad tracks unsafe for travelers. These fauna are thinking as one, so they're not going to care if their natural predator/prey is standing right beside them. I'm sure the war veterans didn't think about their fellow soldiers' appearance or personality while they were chucking grenades at the enemy. This also applies to the super-intelligent dinosaurs. I'm sure the villain (I won't spoil it for anybody) wanted to equip these reptiles with magic spells in case their raw strength couldn't protect them. Oh, and by the way, Jurassic Park is not the most scientifically accurate movie in terms of prehistoric creatures(it really should have been called Cretaceous Park, or Mesozoic Park would be better, but that doesn't sound as kewl as Jurassic). In case you find yourself in a similar situation (hey, it happened to the Animorphs), you are NOT invisible to Tyrannosaurs when you are immobile. You're probably safe enough though, because who would take the trouble of chasing a bag of M&M's (if candy can run) when the pizza delivery guy comes in with free pizza (I'm referring to the sick Triceratops introduced near the beginning of the movie)? Yeah, thought so.

2: You also talk about the weird half-human creatures that just shouldn't be. I'm assuming that these beings were spawned by your favorite villain. You have to realize that these bad guys had SICK minds! No sane person would create a human/chandelier hybrid or a mage forced to live among unintelligent animals just so he could be killed by the person who fights your previously mentioned favorite villain. These things reflected what was going on in these people's minds. Why would a normal person want to summon a giant meteor to hit the planet, or kompress (no typo) time just to kill everybody but herself, or turn the entire world into emptiness when he would be erased as well? With the exception of the humans that were brainwashed by the antagonist, the people are going to be weird, because the villain is weird.

Um, that about sums it up. Just remember that these super-villains aren't the Italian scientists whose cloning plan is being delayed because of ethical issues (just a made-up example). You have to realize that the monster designers were thinking like the bad guys, not the good guys. If you don't like the monster designs, go complain to Sephiroth, ok, oh short knife-wielding creature?