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The year was 1991. Here's the situation, 'toad: the Dark Queen's kidnapped the Princess Angelica and your best buddy Pimple --what're ya gonna do about it?! You're gonna get real MAD, that's what you're gonna do-- and then you're gonna get EVEN! Professor Bird's gonna set you down on Ragnarok, but from there it's up to you. "OK go right... hurry up! C'mon, right! ... OK I'll get that guy... Bam sucka! yea... OK jump this-- hey! Dude, what the hell!? ... No, that wasn't a 'love tap', you punched my guy! ... Not so funny, huh? ... Oh my god, you $%^! That's it #@#($!!"
And so ended the great Battletoads adventure. However, it would not be the end of my often disastrous foray into multiplayer gaming. Games throughout time have allowed friends and cohorts to band together to defeat evil. More often than not, the game developers make the grave mistake of allowing 'friendly fire', bringing many an adventure to an untimely end. This misstep is not limited to platformers and shooters, no; it has plagued RPGs as well. It must be stopped.
The year was 1991 (again). Our brave travelers have crossed a brutal desert in search of a magical jewel, known as the Sand Ruby. Cecil, the intrepid Dark Knight, headed up the gang with Rydia the Summoner by his side. Tellah, an old sage, with Edward the Bard brought up the rear with their mighty mix of sorcery and song. "We've found the Antlion's lair!" exclaimed Cecil. "Now we can save Rosa, and then I can get Namingway to change her to Jessica." "Huh? Why Jessica, Sir Cecil?" queried Edward. Cecil looked away, embarrassed, "It's the name of a girl I like... and call me Michael!" Edward let out a laugh, "You *#^*!" to which Cecil retorted, "Shut up! You got to change Kain to Bret so I want Rosa!" Exasperated, the bard gave up and approached the Antlion, ready to take the jewel. "This thing is like, docile and stuff", he claimed, but the opposite proved to be true when the Antlion snapped its jaws! "Holy cappriccio! This thing's pissed!" yelled the startled bard, "Hang on, I'll kick its butt after I go to the bathroom."
Ten minutes later, our brave heroes engaged the nefarious Antlion in mortal combat! Cecil opened with a mighty slash of his sword. Rydia summoned a Chocobo to aid in combat and Tellah prepared a deadly Bio spell. Edward decided to pass his turn and kept snickering to himself. Undaunted, our heroes pressed on in their attack. The Antlion was furious and took out its rage on Cecil first. However, the stalwart knight brushed off the attack without breaking a sweat. Having rested his decidedly unweary body, Edward's turn came next. "Lawl, watch this," he chuckled and inexplicably shot a stream of notes at Cecil. "What are you doing!?" cried Cecil. "The bell tolls for th-- ah crap my Crystal Pepsi" lamented Edward. And thus, as the Antlion stood puzzled, Cecil's party cut themselves down to size. It was a sad day for the Kingdom of Baron and the Red Wings.
The scourge of multiplayer gaming did not stop there. Villains everywhere celebrated as heroes were sidetracked by confusion and infighting. Despite its obvious flaws, gaming companies saw fit to continue the multiplayer scourge again and again.
The year was 1994. Bret the Thie--, I mean, Treasure Hunter was busy searching a mysterious Floating Island with his lady Helen, the Runic Knight by his side. Joining them were Michael, the mysterious ninja from the shadows, and Lauren, the half-human half-Esper freak of nature. Kefka, played by Andy Dick, was waiting for them at the apex of the island. "I will destroy all creation!" Kefka exclaimed, "With the Three Statues at my disposal, I can't be stopped!" Bret, the Treasure Hunter was defiant, "Not if I can help it, you sick clown!" Locke, er, Bret then turned to his comrades, "We've got this in the bag, I know how to duplicate infinite Dirks for the ninja to throw!" However, Michael the ninja appeared perturbed, "I don't want to cheat... it's wrong." "Okay, fine," said the Treasure Hunter, "Let's just get our butts kicked for no reason." The Ninja was confident, "We can beat him without cheating, I know it!" "I'm not so sure..." replied the Treasure Hunter with a curious grin on his face. The battle began with Michael the Ninja throwing a deadly shuriken! Kefka reeled in pain, but just as the battle appeared to be in the heroes' favor, the brave Treasure Hunter struck at Lauren! "I'm racist now," joked the Treasure Hunter, "The intermingling of human and Esper is wrong!" Unfortunately, no one found this turn of events amusing besides Kefka. "Dammit Locke... I mean, Bret! This is why we can't beat any games!" screamed the Ninja as he plunged his Kunai blade into the chest of our brave Treasure Hunter.
Despite this wake-up call, players have still been allowed to assign characters to multiple players throughout the years. If only RPG companies would heed the warning signs, things could change. But, alas, those warnings would come too late, as is evident by this excerpt of another great journey of redemption.
The year was 2004. All across our great land, a poisonous miasma makes daily life a difficult endeavor. Two brave heroes, Bret and Nick, must seek out droplets of myrrh to ensure the survival of all races. Bret is a powerful warrior of the Lilties, and Nick is Clavat magician. Together, they must live on and protect villages across world. Unfortunately, neither one of them feels like picking up the magical crystal needed to complete their quest. "You pick it up!" commands Bret. "No, you pick it up a-hole, I want to fight stuff" challenges Nick. Long into the night, the banter continues...
I'm not sure what happened to that miasma-inflicted world, but the point is clear. Multiplayer functionality has no place in RPGs! Human players are just prone to dissent and conflict. Recently, there's been many RPG games announced with new-fangled Wi-Fi multiplayer capabilities, and I just hope to God it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. Perhaps there are those out there mature enough to handle the power, to handle the capability... I pray that you are among those people. The next time you pick up a multiplayer RPG, I bid you good luck... and Godspeed.
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