R P G A M E R . C O M   -   E D I T O R I A L S


Josh Martz

There's been all of this hubbub about the recent notion of Wiimote launching. No, it's not a new sport, although by all odds it should be, considering the amount of people participating. Unfortunately, what I'm referring to is that of the casual gamer - your average gamer, brought to his knees by a piece of plastic. There are times when it's ok to go "Oops," and there are times when you need to take a deep breath, and contemplate Scrabble.

There are stories circulating this thing called the Internet that display distinct amounts of stupidity, all of them relating to the miniscule amount of manual dexterity required to hold on to a brick of plastic. For those of you that are unable to fathom this, I'm ready to explain to you that the ability required is about on par with, say, walking upright. It took us millions of years to master that, but dammit, we finally did. Now we have a severe regression plaguing our gaming brothers, resulting in more cries of horror than the entire country of the United States uttered when O.J. Simpson announced his book deal.

Televisions have been shattered, Personal Digital Assistants have been smashed, and friendships have been levelled. It takes a person with an inhuman amount of restraint to look at his friend who just fired a Wiimote into a $3,000 hunk of entertainment bliss and say, "It's all right. Walk it off." I imagine most people resort to more colorful language, most of it involving the use of a certain four-lettered-word, preceded by an "OH" each time it is screeched.

But that's already happened. It's in the past. What should be done to remove this menace to our expensive equipment? Well, a handy guide for handling the Wiimote clearly seems like it's in order. Nintendo luckily had the foresight to include a handy strap attached to the Wiimote, presumably to deter the user from thinking that it's a discus (Note: Discuses do not come equipped with a strap. Just making sure you knew that). So let's take a brief look at the following steps that will help save you from a lifetime of paying back a friend for the fist-sized hole you just created in his TV.

First, DO NOT bathe in K-Y Lubricating Jelly or anything like it. This includes anything with the word "Teflon" on it, as well as any butter derivative. Not only will this help you maintain a steady grip on the Wiimote, it also ensures that there's less cleanup. You'll still stick to cast-iron, though.

Second, DO hold the Wiimote firmly. Firmly does not mean to hang on to the Wiimote like it is the provider of sustenance, but more so that if you were to hold it out in front of you, gravity will fail when faced against your arm strength, and the Wiimote will not fall to the ground.

Third, DO use the strap provided. While the strap is not infalliable, there's no reason why you need to snap your arm at such a high velocity that would cause the strap to snap. Not only that, but the strap is merely a fail-safe. It should hang loosely on your arm, as if it's not even an issue. It is there that on the off-chance you lose your grip on the Wiimote, the strap will act like a seat belt and will catch the Wiimote before it flies off into the distance.

Lastly, DO NOT let go. The desire may be great, but please only reserve this action for after the Wii has been powered down. Failing to follow this crucial step will not only result in considerable property damage, but in all rights, everyone who witnesses the act will have every reason to call you a dumbass.

I pray this guide has helped you in your quest for the ultimate satisfaction out of using your Wii. Please use caution when flailing wildly, as it may injure yourself or your loved ones. On the other hand, the Wiimote makes an excellent projectile for taking out any enemy in the near vicinity. In that case, have at it.

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