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A truly epic quest of monstrous proportions awaits you, Zelda
fans. No, it's not Link's quest the save the Twilight Realm and once
again -- yes, again -- vanguish archnemesis Ganondorf. No, this is
hardly an epic quest -- it's tired, it's old, it's passe. Been
there, done that, defeated him. The quest I'm talking about is one
of much greater importance, of much higher stakes: getting Tingle
RPG localized for a North American release.
This may shock and disturb you (as it did me when I first
uncovered this troubling fact), but there is actually an entire
legion of devoted Tingle Haters on the internet. This sad and sorry,
deluded and self-depreciating bunch knows not the joy that Tingle
would bring to the poor and downtrodden all across the weary and
world-worn United States. These people would actually deny a
captivated and eager audience the joys of this magnificent game, and
all for what? Their own spite and insecurity and envy at being
unable to level up to the overpowering machismo exuded by Tingle?
What a sad state of affairs we find ourselves in when such a
noble venture as Tingle RPG faces so uncertain a future thanks to
the heartless work of these misbegotten villains. But do not give in
to unabiding fear and despair! All is not yet lost! There is still a
chance for bright and happy days to come once more to Hyrule, but
Tingle needs your help, your support, and your love. And here, dear
friends, is where I tell you exactly why he is so deserving of these
things.
Tingle is Capitalism.
In a land dominated by tree-hugging, long-haired Hylian hippie
elves, Tingle represents the onward and progressive march of
modernity. In fact, what's so surprising about this Japanese-created
character is that, more than anything, he is the embodiment of true
Americana: Tingle is capitalism. Tingle is the great spirit within
us that fosters greed, ruthless competition, a focus on enrichingly
hedonistic materialism, and a true love of all things money. The
truth of the matter is that if you hate Tingle, you hate capitalism.
We should not feel disgust when Tingle, the entrepreneur that he is,
bilks naive little communo-hippie Link out of the easy-come-easy-go
ruppees that the stoned out little punk probably didn't even want in
the first place. Not disgust, no -- we should rather feel proud of
him in a sense of compatriatic kinsmanship. Tingle is a true
American at heart; he just wants to earn a little cash and buy some
nice things. How can anyone hate him for that? Only communists can.
Are you a communist?
Tingle is Everyman.
Take a good look at the landscape of character design in the RPG
genre. You'll find naught but a plethora of the most statuesquely
gorgeous creatures that could put a flock of Gap models straight off
a week of beauty camp and plastic surgery to tears. Haven't you ever
wanted to see an RPG character that you felt better representative
of reality, and of yourself? Because guess what, dear readers? You
are not that pretty. Tingle knows and understands this; in a world
full of Squalls and Lulus, Tingle is the everyman, the ubermensch.
He's a bit overweight; his nose is red from many hours of boozing
his hard-earned ruppees away; he's got a craggy face and a twisted
moustache. Don't mock him, my friends -- Tingle is you. Praise him
for sticking up and fighting the good fight on behalf of the regular
joes of the world.
Tingle is the Hallmark of a Successful Educational System.
Did you know that most American high school students today cannot
identify where their own home state is located on a map of this
country? Pathetic! When the bar is set so low as this, that we
cannot expect our youth to identify even their own homes, it's
certainly too much to ask that they be able to recognize critical
current affairs hotspots like Ireland, Brazil, and Sumatra. As our
educational system deteriorates further and further, with the U.S.
government putting a greater reliance upon poor standardized testing
and unfunded mandates to state governments, and with our children
grow more and more ignorant, zombie-like, of the world around them,
Tingle is a force of positive change. Tingle is the beacon of light
which stands athwart history screaming "NO!"
So besotted with the benefits of a successful education was
Tingle that he actually took up cartography as a daily part of his
lifestyle of learning. You'll never find Tingle unable to find the
spot on the map that should say "You are here." You'll never find
Tingle ignorant of the world's history and geography. The guy draws
maps. Do you understand that? He makes maps! Tingle is the only icon
left in a celebrity-struck world that still cares enough to inspire
the children, to take them firmly in hand and shake them until
they're dazed enough to listen when he says, "Hey, there are wars
going on out there, so pay attention, you dweebs."
Tingle is Reconnecting with the Dreamer in Us All.
Do you have a job? Have you yet experienced the druging monotony
of a life in servitude to the faceless, unforgiving corporations to
which we are beholden for the meager scraps of food which function
merely as the means with which to survive for one more day in the
distressing and hectic employ of our industrial complex, all while
only faintly remembering the days gone by where our hours were
occupied by happier things like video games? Tingle knows this daily
misery well, for no carefree and happy-go-lucky college ager is he.
In a genre of gaming full of preteens and spastic adolescents, where
an inveterate elder is he who has reached the longtoothed age of
twenty-four, Tingle is the rare specimen of genuine middle age.
But he has never been so gripped by the melancholy tedium of
adulthood that he has forgotten his younger days -- happier days,
more magical days. And so, Tingle serves as the aged dreamer who
fondly remembers his youth and becomes lost in wistful fantasies
like those of becoming a fairy. Tingle represents the child in us
all, struggling against the confines of adulthood and
responsibility, and some day, when you, too, are immersed in this
oppressive day-by-day existence, you'll feel a much greater sympathy
for Tingle, a much more intimate connection he who is the drive
within us all to recapture what we have lost.
Tingle is Heroism.
Yes, most importantly of all, Tingle is true heroics. One might
be inclined to view Link as the consistent savior of Hyrule, the
vanquisher of the Ganons and the Vaatis. However, this is not true!
It is, in fact, simple propaganda. The true hero of these stories is
and always has been Tingle, a man who is the embodiment of all that
is good and pure and innocent; he is the child, the dreamer, the
capitalist, and within Tingle is carried the hopes and dreams and
joy of all the people. It is through this collective positive energy
that evil is defeated, and this energy of love and happiness has
Tingle as its focal point. Evil cannot be defeated through a simple
tangible sword, master though it may be. It requires true courage
and strength of character, the attributes generously lent to Link by
Tingle over the course of their journeys together, as Tingle
provides constant support. Tingle always challenges Link to do more,
to try harder, to embrace the power of hope that Tingle channels
through the people. And it is through this that evil has been slain.
To turn one's back on Tingle is to shy away from a better
tomorrow. It is to allow evil to prosper and take root in the hearts
of men. Tingle, and through Tingle, Link, can only be victorious
with everyone's support. So speak out! Take
a stand and do something good. Because some smart guy at some point
in time said, "Evil only triumphs when good people look upon it and
do nothing." Or something like that. The point is, a hero needs our
help, and we must not let him down.
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