R P G A M E R . C O M   -   E D I T O R I A L S

Think of the Animals

Josh Martz

You love Final Fantasy. I know you do. You gasped in awe when Final Fantasy VII hit stores in 1997. You cried when Aeris died. You smiled when Rinoa finally got through to Squall. You may have wet yourself when Vivi discovered what he really was. On the outside, the Final Fantasy games provided joy to all. But, there is a darker side, one that you probably don't know about. I've managed to gather several members from inside the Final Fantasy series to disclose the violence...against animals.

Josh: Hi there, Angelo. How are you doing?

Angelo: Bark! woof!

Josh: Uh, Angelo? You can speak here. It's safe, I promise.

Angelo: Arf...oh, ok. Well, thanks, Josh.

Josh: No worries, Angelo! Now, tell me what's bothering you!

Angelo: Well, it all started when I was a puppy, and Rinoa...Rinoa...she...she...*cries*

Josh: It's ok, let it out...would you like a tissue?

Angelo: I'm...ok. Anyway, Rinoa attached a blasting cap to my rear, saying "Oh, it'll be fun!" Yeah, right. Well, then she join that stupid resistance group, and there was no way to talk her out "role." Thus was born, the "Angelo Cannon."

Josh: My god...I had no idea...

Angelo: If I don't do what she says, she beats me! So, she whistles, I jump on her arm, and she fires me at an enemy. Have you ever had your head cause an explosion to a mechanical object? I didn't think so. I've suffered concussion after concussion, cranial fracture after cranial fracture...I can't take it anymore!

Josh: You poor thing. Have you searched for any medical care?

Angelo: Yeah, I've learned basic first aid. She gives me a snack after each firing, and I can't resist those, but I'm beginning to suspect that they are laced with something. Uh...I wonder...what she'd do if her precious Squall was missing? You know, "accidentally." I'll show them...I'll show them all...

Josh: Well, thank you, Angelo. However, you're getting a strange look in your eye, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Angelo: Yes...yes...soon...soon...I'll won't make it nice for him...ruff, just the way his mother likes it...

Josh: Next up, we have one of our favorite friends, Mog!

Mog: Thankupo, Josh!

Josh: You're quite welcome. So what can you tell us about your problem?

Mog: Thankupo, Josh!

Josh: Yes, you already said that.

Mog: Thankupo, Josh!

Josh: ...


Mog: Uhbuhbuhb...whoa, where am I? Oh, right, the interview. Sorry about that, I have a "zoning-out" problem, kupo. It's due to the slight brain damage.

Josh: I don't understand. Weren't you part of the team that defeated Kefka?

Mog: Well, yes, but after that, I fell out of work. I then got a job as a summon, where I worked with Choco, that talentless hack, kupo.

Josh: Ah yes, the first summon of Final Fantasy VII, Choco/Mog

Mog: Right. Well, every time one of that jerks in the party summoned us, it drove Choco mad, kupo! In reality, I was supposed to ride in wielding a samurai sword, and slash the enemy to bits. But nooo, that bird just loved to ramp his speed up so that we ran headlong into the enemy. I've fallen off that bird so many times...I can't even see straightupo!

Josh: Well, why didn't you just leave?

Mog: Contractual obligation. But, I don't even get dentalupo.

Josh: I'm so sorry! Well, thank you for sharing, but we have to move on to our last guest! Take care!

Josh: Our last guest is a frog. Not Frog from Chrono Trigger, but just your everyday frog. welcome!

Frog: You know what? You can just eat it! "Just your everyday frog!" I'll have you know, I descended from frog royalty!

Josh: I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. But you know, there's no smoking in here.

Frog: No, it's my fault. I'm just...a little on edge. I've seen hundreds of my friends die before my very eyes over the years.

Josh: What? For what reason?

Frog: Well, you know that Quina thing? It runs in, feeds on as many of us as possible, and all for what? A FORK? A FRICKIN' FORK? What the hell is going on?

Josh: That does seem a little excessive.

Frog: Yeah, no kidding! Those guys just made it a stupid quest, and what did we ever do to them? We just hop happily in our swamp, and all of a sudden, we need to be eaten so that that...that...THING can get a new piece of cutlery? WHY? And what IS Quina? Some clown? A frog-eating clown? No, it's a clown-shaped, frog-eating psychopath! I tell you, one of these days, we frogs will rise up and rule that swamp. And no funny-looking maniac obsessed with genocide will stop us! Mwahahahahahaha!

Josh: I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable with this conversation.

Frog: Why? Are you a frog hater? Do the Frog Panthers need to come and teach YOU a lesson too?

Josh:, uh...I think we need to end this.


Josh: *shudder* Well, thank you folks, but I think we may have to cut it off here. Take care, and thanks for joining us!

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