|
"Our writers are full of clichés just as old barns are full of bats. There is obviously no rule about this, except that anything that you suspect of being a cliché undoubtedly is one and had better be removed."
-- Wolcott Gibbs
Hello and welcome to another episode of RPG Exposé Theatre! I'm your host, Nigel McGibbons, and if you could imagine me speaking in a nasal British accent, then the author of this piece assures me that it will add to my credibility as an investigative journalist. In this episode of RPG Exposé Theatre, we will discuss the subject of clichés -- what are they? Why do they exist? And why are clichés used over and over again? All good questions, to be sure. Today we will sit down and talk to those whose lives are forever changed by the strange, predictable outcome of roleplaying game clichés.
Our first subject is the hero, the main protagonist of so many different stories found within all RPGs. Heroes are often quiet, dedicated souls who seek out wrongs that need righting, or hope to right wrong-doings that were once right, but are thereafter wrong, and in a serious need of righting to eliminate any wrong that was done to them. Right?
Hero: Yes, of course.
Nigel: And you, why you're a strapping young lad, if I do say so... In fact, now that I think about it, you don't look very old at all.
H: That's very common for most heroes, actually. In fact, most of us are just old enough to be driving when we start on our quests to save the world. Most of us are male, but there's usually a female lead every now and then to surprise the audience. And then there's the males that look like females -- but they're kinda creepy, if you ask me.
N: But that's... isn't that very dangerous? Young people, gallivanting off to God knows where, unsupervised? What about your parents, your families? Aren't they concerned for your well being?
H: Not at all. Most heroes are orphans or have no remaining relatives. There are exceptions, of course, since some of us are lucky enough to have some family left, but most come from broken homes, or live with other relatives.
N: Well, what about the people you encounter during your adventures? Don't they question why young men or women, such as yourself, are wandering around without a chaperone of some sort?
H: Actually, once our journey starts, there's bound to be an older party member who'll vouch for us. It's the only way we can get into some places we just have to see -- bars, bordellos, extremely dangerous dungeons where the vehement spirit of Pure Evil rests, places like that. If we couldn't get access to those places, we could never accomplish our ultimate goal.
N: And that goal is...?
H: To save the world, of course!
N: Of course. One last question, though -- is it really necessary to wear your hair like that? The spikes and such? It looks quite uncomfortable.
H: It's a long-standing clause in the "Be a Hero!" contract you have to sign. It's usually just a plastic wig anyway. Everyone always packs along a spare or two in case of emergencies: chipped edges, dulled points, swimming -- things like that.
N: Any advice for future heroes in training?
H: Oh, there's no need of that. Once you become a hero, you always know what to do.
Next in our investigation, we'll delve into the mysterious world of the "Sidekick." These selfless, tireless, and usually less-attractive characters are key to the hero's success in his mission. And you, Mis--... Say now -- what are you, anyway?.
Sidekick: Who, me? Oh, nothing important. Male, female, animal, ghost, fairy, fat guy, whatever -- sidekicks come in all shapes and sizes. That's the flexibility that comes from being a sidekick, because we can be just about anything.
N: And what role do you usually serve during the hero's journey?
S: Usually we follow along as the comedic relief. We're there to keep the hero from getting too depressed with his "Save Everything in Existence" quest, and offer the romantic interest a sympathetic ear, since we don't have a chance in Hell of anything more than that.
N: What do you think is the most important purpose for the sidekick?
S: You mean if we aren't killed in some horrific fashion to either spur the hero to action, or sacrifice ourselves to save the hero from dying? Well... umm... I guess we're the translators. The only reason the hero talked to you earlier at all was because the writer knew a one-side interview was a stupid idea.
N: I, ah, well... in closing, what do you think any sidekick looks forward to the most?
S: Retirement.
My next guest is extremely important in any roleplaying game, the source of countless romantic epics, and the much more questionable... let me make sure I read this right -- "hawt sexxorz girl-on-girl fan-fiction." I speak, of course, of the romantic interest. I've also noticed that a good many romantic interests in RPGs are female.
Romantic Interest: Well, gamers know what they like and don't like. The hero needs someone to save from peril, so there we are to fill the role. Heroes are predominantly male, so the romantic interest usually ends up as a female.
N: And what sort of role does the romantic interest take during a hero's adventure?
RI: Role? Role?! What do you mean, "role"? Romantic interests are there for the fanboys to ogle. We're usually just a pretty face with enough ability to know how to walk in a straight line, but never enough to do anything very exciting. I mean, sure, if the heroes didn't treat us like china dolls and stick us in the back row all of the time, maybe there'd be something to do other than stare at his butt all day. That's probably another reason he always puts us back there... sexist pig.
N: That's a lovely, ah, club you have there.
RI: What, this? It's not a club -- that would imply that I might get to beat someone up, and that's the hero's job! He gets all of the violence, all the torn sinew and crushed skulls and blood and guts and the magnificent bloodshed!! Oh, I can just taste--...Well. No, this is just a staff. Romantic interests have to support our valiant heroes, so we're usually stuck with magic -- supportive or healing magic, mostly. It's our job to patch him up just so he can have all the fun.
N: You seem... upset by that.
RI: Upset? Why would I be upset?! It's not like I know how to do anything exciting! I mean, sure, some of us get to knock some skulls from time to time, but how often does that happen?! We hardly ever get to fight in the front row! You always get a better view of all the violence in the front row. Do you know how the light fades from someone's eyes when you thrust a sword into their neck, and you can feel blood spray all over your--
N: Right then! In closing, what advice would you offer to future romantic interests out there?
RI: Get a sword... and a prenup.
Our last interviewee is that most hated and often misunderstood role found in any roleplaying game: the villain. The yang to a hero's yin, villains serve to drive a hero on, pushing him to succeed in his quest. So, what do you think is the hardest part about being a villain?
Villain: It's just not fair! All we ever try to do is make the world a better place, and we've got a bunch of rugrats hounding us at every turn! Did anyone stop to think that the world might be a better place if it was in eternal darkness? I could finally get some sleep. Do you know how hard it is to sleep when you're trying to conquer the world??
N: By your tone, you seem quite bitter. Why is that?
V: Villains aren't all bad. Usually we're so self-absorbed that we don't even notice when some Personification of Ultimate Evil is creeping into our psyche and turning us into raving lunatics. Heroes and their little friends usually don’t stop to question why, since they're usually too busy sticking their swords into our throats.
N: Speaking of which, that's a very, ah, large weapon you have there.
V: What, this old thing?
N: Keep, keep it away please. No, no, not at me, point it somewhere--! Point it somewhere else, please.
V: Every villain has to carry an enormous weapon -- it's in our contract. It's the only way to get the cosplayers to pay attention to us sometimes. Even if you don't see it, every villain is about being as large and imposing as possible. Big hair, big weapons, big speeches, whatever, that's what we do best.
N: Why are villains driven to do evil?
V: Again, it's a question of focus. It doesn't really matter why we're evil: all that matters is what we want. We have to want something, or else we couldn't give the real evil power anything to work with. And if it weren't for that, the hero wouldn't have anything to do. He'd still be stuck on his farm, or playing with his little friends, or whatever. He'd never become anything.
N: So, you're saying that, in a way, the hero owes you for being evil?
V: Of course!
N: But... but that's preposterous! A villain is evil because he's a villain in the first place! If you, the villain, had never done anything evil that needed stopping, the hero wouldn't have to be heroic. Your actions force the hero to counteract against you.
V: Do you think so? Or do I have to become evil, in order for the hero to be noble and save the day?
N: Of course not! No one has to "become evil" to force another to be good. Where do you come up with that confounded logic?
V: Eh, it's the hair gel -- every villain uses it. After awhile, it just gets to you. I hear that the villains who actually wear helmets start doing the same thing eventually. Something about wearing it too tight, I think.
N: Well, what sort of advice might you offer future villains, questionable though it may be?
V: Capitalize on sympathy whenever you can -- if you can master that, you can manipulate anyone. Oh, and don't forget to buy the biggest freaking weapon you can. You'll be so much cooler that way.
This is Nigel McGibbons, and this has been another episode of RPG Exposé Theatre. Now I'm going to go find gauze and some bandages to try and stop the bleeding.
|
RSS feed
iTunes