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The year was 2005. It was a cold and stormy December day of a mere 68 degrees with winds as high as 6 mph. There I sat, alone in my room after Christmas had passed, looking forward to New Year's Eve, when my eyes wandered over to the game I was reviewing: Mario & Luigi Partners in Time. I chuckled a little bit on this play on the phrase "partners in crime," okay, no, not really, but I would have if not for my brain putting two and two together. I thought to myself: what if they were some kind of masters of crime?
Then I realized the truth. They were. Or at least...masters of conspiracy.
I sat in my room for literally hours without food or sleep trying to solve the mystery. At least I finally came to the conclusion that was to startling that it blew me away: Mario and Luigi have a conspiracy to take over Christmas!
Oh sure, it sounds crazy, but let's look at some of the facts:
Figure 1: The Mario brothers. Red and Green.
· Mario and Luigi dress in red and green: the Christmas colors. You can't dispute that. Figure 1 clearly shows them wearing those colors, the colors used to represent Christmas. That alone may seem trivial, but it really adds up with the other evidence by its side.
· Mario RPGs and a good number of other Mario games are conveniently released just before the Holiday season. For those not in the know, Christmas itself is buried within this holiday season! I had found myself spending the hours after Christmas playing a Mario game. What a fool I was to become a pawn in their master plan!
Everyone knows Santa is in malls all over the world during the Holiday season. An army of Mario games storm malls every year, attempting to dethrone him. Those that fail are sold to customers, invading their houses and their minds. Additionally, these sales support the Mario empire. Each year, the empire grows stronger with sales money and more minions are stationed in unsuspecting civilian homes. Watching. Watching. One day, Mario hopes to defeat Santa and replace him. Or has he already? Let's look at the evidence:
· Santa is a bit fat. So is Mario. Compare him to his brother: clearly, he's been purposely putting on weight to fit into the santa suit (Figure 2).
Figure 2: If this isn't evidence enough, I don't know what is...
Santa is MARIO! And now, a random kitten.
· The Mario brothers wear red and green, but Mario himself, the one trying to replace Santa, is the one wearing red. The same color Santa wears (also Figure 2).
· Their TV shows have released numerous Christmas specials. I don't think I even need to explain this one.
Okay, I can see I'm beginning to convince you, but you might need a little bit more evidence. Confounded at their inability to take over the holiday, they have attempted to make themselves stand out even more strongly in the Christian community. Here is the proof:
· They claim to be Italian plumbers from Brooklyn. Now, I'm not expert, but Brooklyn isn't anywhere near Italy. However, both have high Christian demographics. Italy even has the pope. Are they trying to take advantage of at least the less geographically inclined members of these areas? I think so.
· They're heroic champions of the royalty, much like the crusaders were. The crusaders also celebrated Christmas and some are thought to have been in some sort of conspiracy. Coincidence?
· Let us not forget forgiveness of enemies...who in their right mind would play sports with the one who wishes to kill them all and take over the world?
· They fight against unnatural beasts such as the undead using Holy Water...and vacuum cleaners. The significance of the vacuum cleaner is so obvious I don't even need to explain it.
Figure 3: Evolution doesn't exist in Mario's world.
· Dinosaurs such as Yoshi (Figure 3) freely roam their world. Clearly this is an attempt to debase evolution while supporting creationism.
· Some of their enemies are serpents which are often associated with the devil in Christianity.
· According to various experts, circles, eyes, flames, flowers, fish, nimbus clouds, rocks, stars, trees, bells, candles, oil, and anchors are all Christian symbols. All of which appear in Mario games. Quite a few coincidences there, eh?
Luckily, the Mario brothers are not without flaw. They have made a few mistakes in the past and it's lucky that they have or they would've succeeded by now:
· Their mushrooms are red and green, colors of Christmas, but the green mushrooms bring the brothers back to life. Coming back to life is Easter, not Christmas. Oops.
· A common adversary of theirs is a giant turtle-looking thing. From old fables we see that tortoises are natural enemies of the hare. Once again, they have confused the holidays as the Easter Bunny is Easter, not Christmas. Better luck next time.
So as you can see, it's a good thing they- wait a minute...what if that wasn't a mistake? What if they're trying to take over all holidays? Video game analyst and expert, Scott Ramsoomair, has pointed out that they have tried to purge the world of those who oppose their plans once before (Figure 4). Oh no! They know I know now! M-Maybe we should just go along with them? That wouldn't be so bad...right? Spare me!
Figure 4: Mario will wash away the impure.
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