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Slimes: Nature's Cannon Fodder

Josh Martz

A Slime approaches!
Ourobolus attacks for a measly 8 damage!
Slime is defeated!
Ourobolus gains 1 Experience Point!
Ourobolus gains 2 Gold!

You have to love these guys. They appear solely for introducing the players to the battle system. They can attack in groups of one or eight – it doesn’t matter – they’ll still be decimated by the time the battle is over. One hit generally kills them, and they don’t give very much experience or gold.

In this editorial, I plan on examining this phenomenon, and analyzing its effects on the societal aspects of their kind.

As the adventurer, you may think this is all well and good. You wander outside of the first village, either intentionally or unintentionally, and you end up encountering a Slime. You jump, worried that you may end up with an early demise. You draw your sword (oh come on, it's always a sword) and prepare for the battle. You check your hit points, which read 10. All of a sudden, the enemy attacks! You scream in horror as the squishy body of the Slime plows into your face. You are dazed, but still standing. Gasping for breath after nearly suffocating under the gelatinous mass, you check your hit points once more. Amazingly, you have only suffered 1 point of damage! Finally realizing just what it is you are up against, you begin your quest of Slime genocide.

Luckily for the Slime populace, they are quite fertile. It seems that their birth rate is exactly that of their death rate. Slimes are being replaced as soon as they are dead. An interesting aside to this is that the Slime population has no societal view of expansionism. They are quite happy to stay in whatever locale they are in, and spawn and die without ever searching for other areas to live.

However, that is not ALWAYS true. As many of you are aware, many Slimes have left their original habitats and migrated to other areas, usually because of a lover they may have had. Take the Metal Slime. He is clearly not the product of standard Slime genes – rather, he is a genetic miracle, brought on by the marriage of a Slime and a Metal Dragon. Through the marvels of birth, a Slimespawn was born, containing both metal and gelatinous properties, aptly named, the Metal Slime. But, as can be noticed during your travels, most Metal Slimes (and their brethren) are quite embarrassed about this strange turn of events, and feel shame due to their appearance. This is why they tend to hide...should an adventurer ever cross their path, they will run away at a moment’s notice, with little exception, save for the braver Metal Slimes who may attack once or twice before scampering off.

Also, the Slimes have fallen into the problems of obesity. Unlike some species though, this is a sign of power, and they often refer to such large Slimes as "King" (there are intellectual property rights for "Biggie Slime", apparently). And, of course, these King Slimes are not restricted to one Slime race...they encompass them all.

But the one thing that is common among all Slimes (aside from their gelatinous features) is the smile that they have plastered on You will notice that Slime is an anagram for smile, so this is clearly no coincidence. There are larger forces at work. Regardless of the origin of their smiles, the Slimes take to their task of impeding budding adventurers with fervor. Having no limbs to hold weapons, the Slimes have resorted to slamming their bodies into the faces of heroes. Now THAT is what I call dedication. With such a strong work ethic, it’s rather sad that the Slime’s fate is to be completely eradicated.

This leads me to the conclusion that the Slimes are merely misunderstood. Without them, heroes might walk into a group of tough enemies completely unaware of the danger, because they were not afforded the experience that the Slimes' battles provided. So we should all thank the Slimes, rather than ignore the integral role they play in our journeys. Please, think of the Slimes.

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