[55] Subjunctive, contrary to fact. Fool.

[56] Tygar is, of course, not having an out-of-body experience – no matter how cool that would be. It is I, your esteemed narrator, who is now floating somewhere in the lower troposphere, looking down upon the super-deformed body of Tygar. Not to worry, the deformity is quite natural and painless; indeed, he shall be restored the moment a random battle commences. None of this breaks immersive continuity. Not at all.

[57] Sentences such as this bring a tear to the eye. I have tears of joy. Yours are probably of a different sort. In any case: off-on, odd-even, lofty in comparison to the previous statement, shrugging to squaring.

[58] Getting more mileage out of the last sentence by punning ruin and the beeline. “Brilliant” you say? Why, thank you.

[59] Tygar’s a naturalist.

[60] A question that all gigantic, mutated bee parents dread. Also note the small nod to the fencers.

[61] And the grammarian gains a 1UP on the uncultured lout. Of course, the grammarian is probably wincing at my complete free-license usage of tenses. It will have been getting worse.

[62] Natural predators, mind you. Aliens don’t count. Despite their help with the whole pyramids thing.

[63] As Brian Clevinger well points out, there is never a reasonable ecosystem to support all these weird monsters. Considering the tree-hugging tendency of many RPGs, this is a tad odd.

[64] Yeah, battle transitions are always subtle and never break immersiveness.

[65] Much convenient that the beginner area just happens to be filled with low level scum. Wouldn’t it be so much more interesting if a few level twenty mobs ran around the area. No really – they beat the crap out of Tygar and then steal his wallet. I think beating the crap out of the hero will be fun. Er, would be fun.

[66] Or to the continue screen. Or to the priest/temple/god/tree cheap-o resurrection with no penalty screen. Where’s the hardcore? Yeah, besides Fire Emblem. Grant me a battle that makes me actually sweat in fear, and you’ve got a winner on your hands. Or at least the mangled corpse of a loser. Either way.

[67] Not only do I poke fun the repetitive battlecries of characters, I manage to: give a shout out to a fellow RPGamer staff member, offend religious fundamentalists, and make Tygar sound like a pompous numbnut. Not bad for six words.

[68] Or so he thought. You see, cleaving a six foot sword through an enemy does not actually split them in half. No, it just knocks off some hit points. Ditto: arrows through the throat, freezing spells, chakras, hadokens, or any other pseudo-medieval fantasy weapon/spell.

[69] See, the narrator is all knowing. Omniscient third person. None of that crappy first person or limited third. Who likes limited editions anyway? Elitist collectors and eBay scallywags. 

[70] Yay for numbers. Especially red ones. And twos.

[71] You readers are saved from a pun involving electricity being cast by the bee. I felt it entirely nonsensical that random animals can cast high level magic. Good thing no bunnies ever figured out how to spell NUKE. Anyanka would have been right.

[72] Side note: I once had a giant s-word. Much of my childhood was spent running around screaming this giant s-word at the top of my lungs. Then, one day, the heavens answered my cries. I now no longer shout my giant s-word. True story.

[73] Attack or defend? Pick one or the other, cause you’re an incompetent moron incapable of doing both.

[74] Stripes, makes them look thin. Which does bring up the question: how do these giant, mutated creatures manage to survive when they’re not munching on heroes? I mean sure, your average barbarian can provide months of foodstuffs… barbarianicles, barbarian ala mode, roasted bits o barbarian, fillet barbarion… but really, surely these creatures have other things to kill? Why don’t we get to kill those things?

[75] As opposed to its dull stinger. Redundancy is a beautiful thing. I especially like sharp swords. Not sharp s-words, mind you.

[76] Not enough agility points. OH!

[77] Realistic damage? In video games? Only the bushido masters at Squaresoft would attempt such a thing.

[78] There will come a day when there will be no relief for Tygar. That’s what we master wordsmiths like to call “foreshadowing.” That’s right: shadows do play golf. What do you think Link’s shadow was doing all that time that Link was scampering around Hyrule? Zelda’s shadow? Yeah. I went too far. Sue me.

[79] He still has his lucky number 6,227,020,800. We’ll see if the Wonderslime can tackle that one.

[80] I’ve always thought this an odd phrase. What other kind of attacking is there? Apologetic attacking? Polite attacking? Pauly Shore attacking?

[81] Hurray for easy-to-defeat level one monsters.

[82] It should have been obvious by now.

[83] And that just stinks. Or maybe it prevents stench. In any case (vocative is preferred), where are all the corpses? The rotting , decayed destruction wrought by the hero and his fellow do-gooders? Blast it all, I’m a video gamer, ergo I’m a violent @%$! (just ask Jack Thompson), and I wanna see bodies. Lots of bodies.

[84] Interpret this however you like, magic dragon.

[85] Beavis would laugh. That’s about the sophistication of your average video gamer (just ask anyone over the age 40).

[86] Goes into the valuables section of the inventory. Remember that.

[87] Yep. All the stuff that you’d expect a gigantic, mutated bee to be carrying. Somewhere. Maybe in a pouch.  Maybe in a magical vortex. Definitely not in latex.

[88] Dues from the gods. The narrator does hate footnoting the footnotes, but in this case he feels that he must mention that this is a clever (his opinion) play on a Latin phrase for a common plot device. Clear?

[89] It never occurred to Tygar that the gigantic, mutated bee might have a gigantic, mutated bee-wife or gigantic, mutated bee-drones in desperate need of those Smurfs. Even if he had, he would have been wrong; the gigantic, mutated bee was actually in a very kinky relationship with someone called the Queen.

[90] And took some pictures.

[91] Enter, lust-interest and general object of fanservice.

[92] But not with an etch-a-sketch. And never in pastel, all you deviant artists.

[93] Yeah, I lied about the whole one battlecry thing. Sue me. And if you don’t get the TV show reference, then you really ought to spend more time indoors, becoming nerdier.

[94] Oooh.  A cliff-hanger. Think Tygar will fight to the death for a woman whom he hasn’t even ogled properly? Tune in next time to find out. Yeah, I said you’d find out this time. I lied. Sue me again.