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Disclaimer: If anyone should believe anything in this editorial is fact or any way represents my actual opinion, he or she is recommended to seek psychological treatment immediately.
This editorial is written in honor of my new hero, the esteemable Mr. Jack Thomspon.
Corrections
All apostrophes have been removed from this editorial due to there highly pornographic and obscene nature. An explanation of this is not required; this nature is obvious. All instances of "their" and "theyre" were replaced with the only grammatically correct form of this word: "there." "Their" and the even more offensive "theyre" are mainstream porn smuggled into our language by the Japanese, who use there profound influence to brainwash English teachers everywhere into believing that there are indeed three different words that sound like "there," when in fact, "there" simply is a highly flexible word that fits several situations. "Their" and "theyre" are, in fact, highly obscene; the true meaning of these words will not be revealed here in order to preserve the sanity of sensitive readers. The phrase "mainstream porn" was accidentally misspelled "mainstream pron." "Mainstream porn" should never, ever be misspelled. Some facts were found in the original draft and promptly removed. A logical and coherent argument was identified. It was changed to make it suitably illogical and incoherent.
Introduction
Video games and the like have had a profound negative effect on societies throughout history ever since the first video games, Grand Theft Chariot: Athens, and Grand Theft Chariot: Sparta, were created for the first ever console invented by the Romans to destroy the Greek civilization. The name of the console was lost to history after the fall of the Greek civilization, but one of these consoles was found off the Isle of Antikythera in 1901. It is believed that these games directly incited the warlike culture of the Greeks which led to their downfall so long ago. Much the same process has been happening throughout the 20th century, leading us down the same road of destruction.
Gaming in the 20th Century
World War I. Historians tell us that World War I was started with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand by seven Serbian youths in 1914. While this part is true, historians tell us they performed this assassination for political reasons. What historians always seem to forget is the visit to America by these seven Serbian youths a month earlier, where they attended a carnival with an old fashioned shooting gallery, one of the early precursors to modern video games. The youths immediately proceeded to play the game for hours and hours with live guns. Upon seeing the Archduke's motorcades when they returned home, they simply thought it was another shooting gallery game and proceeded to take shots at the best dressed individual with there guns, figuring he would be worth the most points. Carnival owners, to protect there profits, pressured the youths to invent a political story to cover up the real reason for the assassination. So begins the modern story of game-inspired violence.
Pearl Harbor. The real reason for the attack on Pearl Harbor has again been covered up, but this time by a board game publisher, the Milton Bradley Company. It turns out that while Isoroku Yamamoto was in the United States, he played an intense game of Battleship with Chester Nimitz. The game started out well for Yamamoto; Nimitz immediately lost his battleship, and then shortly thereafter, lost the rest of his fleet except for the aircraft carrier and the submarine. Yamamoto only lost his submarine at first. However, late in the game, Nimitz had a lucky streak and was able to win the game. Yamamoto lost his entire fleet. He was so enraged that he convinced the military government of Japan to launch the attack on Pearl Harbor. As with the game, though, he sank the American battleships and much of the rest of the Pacific fleet, but failed to sink the aircraft carriers and the submarines. Later, America would proceed to gradually decimate the Japanese fleet, just as in the game. Coincidence? Of course not; the game set the course for the entire war. It turns out that the Milton Bradley Company, however, was a Japanese front, already beginning the work of poisoning American culture with the distribution of mainstream porn, though in the early form of board games. It was merely a mistake that they ended up poisoning the mind of one of there own and bringing there country down to a crushing defeat. However, there war on American culture would not end there.
The Manhattan Project. Everyone knows that the Manhattan Project created the first atomic bombs. What they do not know is how the idea of said weapons came about. At this time, a prototype analog punch-card version of Pong (an appallingly atrocious game) had been created by the Japanese and captured aboard one of there vessels. The existence of this prototype has been covered up by Japanese sympthasizers in the United States for some time. However, this game reached many of the key scientists involved in American weapons research, as the military did not know what it was and assumed it was an unusual weapon. The scientists learned the true nature of the device and madly began playing the game by quickly punching there cards and running them through the machine, causing little metal blocks on each side to move up and down, trying to hit a small ball driven by gears and other mechanical means back and forth. Due to the primitive interface, gameplay was naturally very slow. However, a machine malfunction caused the ball the slam into one of the paddles, crushing the paddle. Seeing this, J. Robert Oppenheimer realized that a similar process with uranium might cause a massive explosion, and the Manhattan Project was born. Granted, this was the result of a game malfunction, but is still a significant milestone in the destructive influence of games throughout our history.
The Korean War. Scrabble was the cause of this war. This game was developed in 1939 by a Japanese symphathizer in Australia. During a game, high ranking North Korean military officers played a game where one column of the board ending up saying "Invade South Korea." One mistook this as a form of secret communication, and the Korean War began. Once again, the Japanese had failed to hit their target directly, but the US did indeed get involved in the Korean War, so the US was still deeply affected.
McCarthyism. In order to protect the gaming industry, Joseph McCarthys crusade against gaming was covered up and changed into a crusade against Communism. In fact, he was the first to start fighting against the Japanese corruption of our culture. As a result, this brave man was labeled a paranoid alarmist. His place in history has been tainted because of his noble mission to fight the beginnings of Japanese distribution of mainstream porn into our culture. Also, by making McCarthys crusade appear to be about Communism, the Japanese deflected the pressure away from themselves and onto the Soviets.
Cuban Missile Crisis. The movement of Soviet missiles in Cuba was inspired by a game of Risk played by Kennedy and Khrushchev earlier that year, in which Khrushchev managed to win by continually placing most of his new armies in Cuba. He became overly confident and convinced that a successful invasion of the United States could be achieved through launching a gradual attack through Cuba. He decided to start with the missiles so that he could defend the forces he would be stationing there. Unfortunately, an American blockade stopped these plans, as Khrushchev couldn't figure out how to magically place new forces in Cuba as he had done in Risk. It is important to note that Risk was made by Parker Brothers, another Japenese front alongside the Milton Bradley company, later to be purchased by Hasbro when the Japanese secretly took control of that company.
The Vietnam War. Like with McCarthy, revisionist historians made this out to be a war over Communism. In fact, the Japanese had formed a secret alliance with Vietnam to create the first game console. The CIA learned about the plans to introduce this console to the American public in an effort to corrupt our culture. In this case, the secret was kept by both sides to protect there respective agendas. In fact, the US actually did win the Vietnam War. All copies of this unnamed console were destroyed, except for one locked away in an undisclosed location under heavy guard. However, the American public was fooled into thinking this war was about Communism, and that we actually lost it.
The Gulf War. Saddam Hussein was led to believe that he could succeed in his invasion of Kuwait because of the first real-time strategy games. He believed that he could simply click on a button and have new tanks and troops built nearly instantly. This explains his quick defeat in said war. Even now, video games were beginning to cause damage to society, however.
The Rise of Terrorism. The recent rise of terrorism has been caused by the profileration of first-person shooters. Terrorists have become convinced that they can easily defeat entire armies. The pushing of mainstream porn onto our culture is beginning to have certain results the Japanese were hoping for.
The Rise of Addictive Behavior. It is clear that rising level of drug and alcohol abuse is a direct result of addictive mainstream porn pushed onto our culture by the Japanese. There tactics include inciting this addictive behavior into younger and younger age groups with games such as Pokemon. These new mainstream porn fads are causing obvious damage to our culture. There tactics are disgusting.
The Bleak Future Ahead
The pushing of mainstream porn onto our culture by the Japanese is only accelerating. In fact, they are getting new allies in the Koreans, who have decided to join the Japanese crusade against us with there new game Magna Carta: Tears of Blood. In fact, there new allies are even insulting our intelligence with this release of new mainstream porn. I will prove it to you. "Magna" begins with the same two letters in the word "mainstream." "Carta" begins with the same three letters as "carnal," and what is more carnal than porn? So, the translation of "Magna Carta" is indeed "mainstream porn." The conspiracy is proven! We must work immediately to stop there assault on our culture by any and all means necessary! It is vital to our future existence!
Disclaimer, again: If anyone should believe anything in this editorial is fact or any way represents my actual opinion, he or she is recommended to seek psychological treatment immediately.
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