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The Most Original RPG Ever

John Boske

Submitted, for your approval. The most original RPG you will ever see.

This is the classic story of good versus evil. It's a story of love, of adventure, of heroism, of the triumph of the human spirit in the face of adversity. Only this time, it really IS that simple. Allow for an elaboration.

Meet Ronnie. He's a gentle soul, a warrior at heart, if not in body; a callow youth coming of age in an increasingly dangerous world, barely ready to set out on an adventure, clearly unaware of, and unprepared for, the coming struggle against the forces of darkness. We now turn to the man training him in the use of a sword... oh, let's call him Steve. Steve is the village hero; skilled with a sword, joined the King's army at the tender age of 15, now a strong, capable fighter with all the training he needs to survive in the wilderness. Many of the children look up to him, including young Ronnie, who sees him as something of a mentor.

Logically, Steve will be the hero of this tale.

He will go out to smite evil wherever it lurks, be it in the form of demons, dragons, ninjas, pirates, or other flora and fauna. Of course, he won't actually find the flora and fauna just by wandering around. After all, Steve was but one of many soldiers in the army, and because of extensive training, a generous benefits package and 401k, said army has little to no trouble keeping the main highways and most of the surrounding environs free from monsters. Passages between towns are straightforward, and should they happen to pass through the Den of Unspeakable Horror, travelers - Steve included - can rest assured that the Unspeakable Horror has been cleared in advance.

Look, the human race is thousands of years old. SOMEONE was going to find it sooner or later, and Steve was too busy chatting up Clara back at the village to go looking for it.

Ah yes, Clara. Lovely Clara, sweet Clara, the romantic interest of Steve, the two of whom have been inseparable since childhood. Her hair, some might notice, is a rather ordinary shade of brown, and both her parents are miraculously still alive; moreover, they are, in fact, her biological parents, and her memory of her childhood is startlingly clear. She has no nightmares pertaining to her relation to a long-extinct race of ancient humanoids, largely because she has no relation to a long-extinct race of humanoids. Though she does have mysterious healing powers, they are only mysterious in the sense that they are not mysterious at all and really rather commonplace.

In fact, there's a shop two doors down from her house that sells them. They're cheaper in bulk, too.

And it's a good thing, too, because they surely need it against the villain of the story. Yes, every story must have a villain. Well, every story worth eating popcorn to. Anyway, the evil King, uh... um... oh, screw it. He's a King, he's Evil, that's all that matters. Like all evil kings, the Evil King wants money, power and land; since the three often go hand-in-hand-in-hand, he has begun making aggressive maneuvers, seizing valuable lands, mineral deposits, even capturing small villages which aren't large enough to repel his armies. He's not a complex guy, and he's not acting in what he thinks are the best interests of the world. He just wants money, power and land for the sake of having more of all three, and anyone who gets in his way is his enemy. And guess whose village he just seized this time around?

No, he didn't burn it to the ground or kill everyone in it. He wants to rule the land, remember? There's evil, and then there's wasteful.

Of course, the day is saved when Steve and Clara and their band of friends, hangers-on, and malcontents with nothing better to do storm the Evil King's castle, ready to make him pay for his crimes. They battle their way past his elite guard, past his castle's defense mechanisms, and past demonic monstrosities, all the way to the Evil King himself. Dramatic speeches are cast, valiant rallying cries are heard, and the Evil King wades into the thick of the battle, surrounded only by his remaining bodyguards. But just as the two sides reach each other, the heroes make a horrifying discovery, as each and every sword, axe, arrow and magic spell that connects with its target does only a paltry 8 or so hit points.

This, of course, is what happens when the party can't level up. Way to go, other King's army. Way... to... go.

The Evil King and his men have no trouble reducing the hundred-or-so HP heroes to zero, and do so in record time. All looks lost as the heroes crumple to the ground, one by one, and it is all they can do to take but one of the Evil King's guards with them. Then, when the Evil King and his men have them all at their mercy, he begins to execute them single-handedly, and does so in a cool-looking CG cutscene, thus ensuring that they could never possibly come back. Unless, of course, battle mechanics weren't *entirely* just contrivances to give the player something to do.

And because healing items were available in bulk, well... let's just say that killing the heroes one at a time was a bad idea.

To make a long story short, the heroes get back up after a few well-placed Raise Dead potions, and proceed to nickel-and-dime the Evil King and his men to death. With his stranglehold over the surrounding area broken, Steve, Clara and their band of other people nobody cares about return home to a cheering crowd of dozens - it's still only a village, after all. Steve and Clara eventually get married, and - due to neither one possessing any schizophrenia, repressed memories, or closet skeletons in general, their betrothal is long, happy and fulfilling. And they will all live happily ever after.

That is, until the developers greenlight a sequel, which gives Steve a darker, more gritty image, including a leather jacket, a shotgun, and a permanent 5 o'clock shadow; most of Clara's rather modest attire is exchanged for dual handguns, and they are further encumbered wisecracking sidekick in the form of a giant alien scorpion from Wisconsin, one with an attitude and a heart of gold.

The End

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