Grammar II, the Revenge of the SATs

by Joshua Maciel

My kingdom for simplicity. Hobbes, my dear friend Hobbes, has managed to confuse me. Although his points are stiningly accurate, he falls victim to the very trap that I warned him against -- poor grammar. No paragraph breaks, large words, confusing setup, spelling errors and more miscellaneous mistakes plague his concepts.

Paragraphs are wonderful. Notice how they manage to split up ideas and concepts very naturally, and allow the eyes to pick up where they left off reading. A run-on paragraph is many times worse than a run on sentence, as a run-on paragraph often times has entire lines disappear through the cracks of a reader's mind.

The utilization of grandiose terms and conceptual gadgets tend to obfuscate the implied meaning of a discourse. "Eschew Obfuscation" says the quote, meaning "stop confusion." Big words do exactly the opposite. They make people wonder if there is anything behind the big words other than a man, a word processor, and a thesaurus. The most simply stated concepts are the most understood. A complex concept explained simply gives the author the appearance of being much smarter than someone who masks their argument in metaphor and monstrous words.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again -- paragraph structure works wonders. Note my introductory paragraph, it states the problems. Note each following paragraph -- each discusses one of the issues present in the first paragraph. I may not be a genius, but on the other hand it won't take a genius to decipher what I'm writing.

Typoes are ok. Common spelling mistakes are not. Their, there, and they're are different words (contrary to popular belief). It's and its do not mean the same thing. If you add 's on to the end of most words, it does not actually mean 'is.' These are just some of the mistakes that should be caught, and serve to thoroughly distract most readers who know better. If you're writing an editorial on grammar, you'd better damn well hope that people can understand yours.

His final mistake (and possibly the most severe), is his assault on my logic. I picked Mississippi for a reason -- it is the worst state in the nation as far as public education is concerned. That isn't a stereotype, that isn't me degrading all southerners, and it isn't me stating that everyone from Mississippi has the IQ of a bullfrog. It's a fact. High horses are great -- until you fall off. Dust yourself off Hobbes, maybe one day you'll be prepared to ride again.

Hobbes manages to do many things in his editorial. Most of what he does proves me right. Let us all thank him for his wonderful efforts in creating a perfect example editorial to focus the grammatical microscope on. Ideas are great -- packaging sells. A great product needs a better marketing strategy, because it has more to lose if it fails.