[Caution: Obscenity] Sarcasm: It Does the Mind Good

by Mitchell Gyde

(Before we begin, I have two notes for the casual editorial reader on the bottom. I only put it on the end so that people who don't need to read it won't have to scroll down to skip it, like they already did with this paragraph. So if you don't like what you read below, skip to the bottom and read THAT before you start making a big deal out of it.)

It must be the truth because we must believe blindly, which implies that if we open our eyes for a second, no matter what we see, we can no longer believe it to be true.

It must be the truth because our parents told us about it our entire lives and they never lie. That's right, they weren't lying about Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or that the weird sounds coming from their room late at night were really just some assorted pets they brought home to surprise you with, but kept running away.

It must be the truth because everybody violently disagrees with our faith all over the world and we become violent ourselves when one of our own disagrees with the rest of us on the color of shit.

But I forgot: The first people who discovered dinosaur fossils, the people who discovered / perfected carbon dating, and the people who discovered that Earth is actually just a round object revolving around the sun... All of them had every reason to lie, while the dipshits in robes who pass the collection plate every week couldn't possibly have an ulterior motive.

It's not arrogance to say the universe was created in a short amount of time by a powerful being to had to rest right after making it, only to turn it over to our inept asses.

It's not arrogance to say that those who don't believe in our faith live a depressing life. After all, we don't know their perspective. We're just basing this fucked-up observation on our biased view.

It's not arrogance to say we know these ancient stories are true because they were written during an ignorant age when the original copyright owners were practically the only dildos who could even read.

But I forgot: Our great leader claims to have created everything. He claims to be benevolent. He claims that we are his special creatures. He claims that he should dominate us, while we dominate all the other beings on this planet. He also claims that we will be rewarded with eternal bliss if we blindly kiss his ass. There's no fucking way that I could be describing Adolf Hitler.

If you tell everyone about the "vague innuendos of sexual perversity" that you spot in children's shows, tell everyone who they can and cannot fuck, then tell me that I'm dirty minded because I say the word "fuck," you're not a hypocrite.

If you tell me that I can't say one bad word about your beliefs, despite the fact that you make fun of science and other religions constantly, you're not a hypocrite.

If you say that the idea that we evolved from a lesser creature is senseless right before you drone on about how someone was so important to us that his being sentenced to death is a cause for celebration, you're not a hypocrite.

But I forgot: He gave us freewill. That's why, instead of letting us think for ourselves, you have to make every single fucking decision for us. From what we can and cannot say, to how much money the "all-powerful one" needs every week, and even to how this mythology makes more sense than other mythologies, just because, you're telling me what to say and do.

Here are the two notes I mentioned before:

1: If you wish to get the uncensored version, email me, specify which editorial you want, and tell me whether you want it as a wordpad attachment, a HTML attachment, or simply in the body of email.

2: I don't give a fuck if I've offended you with anything I've said. Wait, I take it back. I HOPE I've offended you with what I've said, because you've offended me first. Don't waste my time with a pile of email that all say "You're wrong, just because," because I'm not going to buy into it. I'm never going to join a club that says "It's a good thing to kill people with different beliefs if they occupy land that you want, so long as you senselessly call your enemies barbarians." If that's construed as flaming, so be it.