Pokémon is the Devil: In Depth Coverage

by Jacob Greenwald

[Editor's Note: This editorial was either written in the spirit of sarcasm, or, if it wasn't, it was posted by me in that spirit. Please DO NOT think that this is serious. - Brad]

This is Vaca reporting from Colorado from a quirky non-denominational church. By now you have surely heard the terrible news. Yes, I am referring to the fact our fearless leader Mark Juvera of our Grace Fellowship Church has discovered what corporations and news media have tried to hide. This is nothing other than Pokémon is the work of Satan. It was not easy to bear at first, seeing these lovable mythical creatures in cartoons, cards, video games, and the lot, but on second inspection these seemingly harmless and cute animals are in fact Satan's service.

It is not often Satan creates such a plague for us to endure, but it is my belief this onslaught was belied from our infedelity as a whole human race. While the occasional daemon or witch is commonplace, a death bearing occult of 151 evil Pokémon is nothing short of a supernatural phenomenon designed to wreak havoc on the understructure of society and turn us to the darker side of eternity.

If you don't believe such an epidemic of horror should ensue at any second take a look at the facts. Pokémon video games, cartoons, card games, and toys are a multi-billion dollar industry. They have reached our children throughout the United States and beyond. If the Devil were to infiltrate us how would he go about it on a mass scale? Simple: through our children. So in fact Pokémon being Satan's hand makes perfect sense.

Now for the tip-off: His holyness Pastor Mark Juvera discovered the pathway of deliverance when he overheard his possessed children speak the names of two Pokémon: Abra and Cadabra. Of all 151 Pokémon these two have sparked off the knowledge of their sinister plans. If it wasn't for these two Pokémon we would not know of the danger afore us. It is our belief it is a divine message from the hand of God that these two names were used to redeem the human race and give us the ability to recognize our eminant fall if we should not fight take steps to combat this.

I have surmised that Mew - the elusive 151st Pokémon - is the leader of this cult of darkness. As the near unobtainable Pokémon it is my intuition which tells me he may very well be Lucifer himself. The other 150 Pokémon are his unholy army. Do not be fooled by cartoonish emulations of these creatures. They are quite alive and quite real. They spit fire and water and their hypnotic psycho powers shall combine to make their ultimate goal a reality: the total destruction of Earth and the encrypting of all our souls into a shadowy tomb. The power of the elements is not a power to be sniffed at, let me assure you.

I believe Pikachu is the Commander of this army, as he somehow seems to always get into wacky adventures with Ash. Ash may also be pure evil, but I'll get into that later. Beware of travelling to regions where there is not extensive first-world technology and military protection which may find and combat these creatures should they invade us. If you are attacked by Pokémon flee to the nearest Grace Fellowship Church for refuge. They exist in the wild, eating our children which worship them, and then use them to expand their influence. They may very well be controlling the Japanese government as well, and living in Japan. If Japan is ground zero it may be only weeks before armageddon.

It is my sound advice we need to pull a Nagasaki and a Hiroshima all over again, except all of Japan this time. We also need to destroy all the television stations, comic dealers, and perhaps a nuclear attack on Richmond, Washington and the Seattle vicinity are necessary to wipeout their westwardly expansion.

Act now and there may be time to save our meager souls.

~fin