Free Guys and Final Fantasy - A MUST HAVE!

by Brian Paeske

I think that the most important thing missing from the FF series is an ancient videogame milestone known as the "free guy." The free guy is also known as the "extra life, 1-up, bonus life, additional man and the extra ball (in pinball games only!)." But I prefer the term "free guy" thank you. You see, in a vast majority of videogames, when your character dies, he/she comes back to life with the free guy. I understand that FF6's Life 3 spell and FF7's Final Attack materia can do very similar things, but IT IS NOT THE SAME!! The free guy is one of the best things to ever happen to videogames and I think that the Final Fantasy series should embrace free guys. I have no idea how free guys would fit into the gameplay of the next FF game but imagine the awesome power the free guy could unleash!

And that's not all, for those who complain about FF7's characters being too similar to one another, different characters in the games could have different ways of attaining free guys. And maybe put a limit on how many free guys a person could carry (different amounts for different characters of course, to make things more interesting).

Of course only your characters could get free guys. The villians can't get them. Do you want to know why? Because they are BAD GUYS!! Bad guys and free guys don't mix at all!

Some instances of possible free guy activities in previous FF games:

In FF4, when Golbez is pursuing the Crystals of the planet he fights Tellah and Tellah uses Meteo against him. But Golbez remains alive and his hand grabs the crystal! The only way this could have been possible was if he had a free guy.

At the end of FF7, Aeris' eyes open in the Lifestream. That means that she is alive. The only she could have survived Sephiroth's Masamune Blade was if she had a free guy! I know she didn't have the Final Attack materia because she never went to the Battle Square when she was in my party. If she didn't have that free guy, Holy would not have been fully summoned and Sephiroth would have won the game. So you see, the free guy is highly important.

In FF7, in order to get the Knights of the Round (KOR) materia a Gold Chocobo is needed. Short of defeating Ruby Weapon, the only way to get a Gold Chocobo is breed Chocobos. When two Chocobo breed a new one is born. The baby chocobo is extra life, or an extra life, or even perhaps a free guy! So, you see, without free guys the Gold Chocobo (and therefore the KOR materia) could only be attained by killing Ruby Weapon.

In FFL2, there is a Magi called Heart. When used, it brings everyone back to life. Noticed it can only be used once before getting recharged (just like a free guy).

In FF4, the twins, Palom and Porom petrify themselves to save the party from the walls closing in at Baron (I think it was Baron). When Cecil approaches them, the item screen pops up. Well, in the Japanese version there was an item that could revive the twins. This item would closely resemble a free guy in grace and power. Why this item was taken out of the American version remains a mystery. Perhaps secret evil at Square has prevented Cecil from attaining the free guy when the game was translated and ported to the American Super NES...

In FF6, Kefka uses an attack called "Fallen One" which reduces a character's hit points to 1. The name "Fallen One" could have been derived from the phrase "Fallen 1-up" which would suggest a very evil, anti-free guy. This attack does almost the reverse of a free guy (a fatal attack would be the true opposite). Notice how Fallen One looks very similar to Life 3, this further supports the suggestion of an anti-free guy, a free guy that, like Satan, mocks those who exorcised it. Since Kefka is evil and Fallen One is evil, Square has deviously implanted into our subconscious the idea that free guys are very good and anti-free guys are very bad. So therefore they should appease our appetites with free guys in the next Final Fantasy!

The Cactrot is a small cactus-like monster in FF6, FF7 and FF8 (I saw of picture of him on of the cards). He has very little hit points and you always kill him for the money he gives you. How come this little runt has lasted through three games while a bad-ass like Cloud was only in one? The evidence points to free guys. I think that if Square ever puts free guys in FF games they should look like Cactrot.

In FF1 (now we're going back a ways), Garland goes back in time to pervert the power of the four elements to create Four Fiends. These Four create Chaos, who after 2000 years, becomes Garland. How does Chaos remain alive for so long? A few hundred free guys perhaps? You decide!

In FF6, there is a dummied item called the Porno Mag. Obviouly, this was taken out of the American version. This has nothing to do whatsoever with free guys!! Why do you think they took it out of the game then?

In the FF series there are items that will bring you back from the dead but THEY ARE NOT THE SAME! You NEED free guys! It is one thing to buy, steal or even morph to obtain a Phoenix Down, but it is quite something else to actually EARN a free guy. Judging by how Phoenix Downs are commonplace in most FF games and their spin-offs, there is indeed a need for free guys. Forget Life spells and Phoenix Downs, it would be so much COOLER to have places (and mini-games) where you can get free guys.

When General Leo died in FF6, I bet everyone who has played that game wanted to be able to give him a free guy in hopes that he would live and join your party!

Do not be afraid Squaresoft, there are other games that have embraced free guys!

In Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, for example, Link can acquire dolls that are essentially, without a doubt, free guys. When he gets them, he holds them above his head because he is PROUD to finally have free guys (Lord knows he sure could have used them in Level 6 of the first Zelda game).

In all the Super Mario games that I have played, there is always a way to get an INSANE amount of free guys, more free guys than any other game I have played. The Super Mario series is the most popular videogame series in the world. Coincidence? I think not!

I know Square secretly loves free guys and they have used them behind-the-scenes in every FF game they have made. From the man at the Clinic in Coneria to the Phoenix at Fort Condor, they have all conspired against us to keep all the free guys to themselves. Why do they have to be so GREEDY? I want free guys too, dammit! I NEED free guys, we all NEED free guys. They have teased us long enough! I demand them to finally let the floodgates open and let us have our much-deserved free guys.

I know I am an idiot, I know that none of this makes sense but WHO CARES? If people want to rant and rave about how FF7 sucks then I want to show my appreciation for free guys. Besides, I just killed half a day at work typing this up (it's my last day and there isn't anything to do).

Long Live Free Guys