RPG's Have to Go

by Jeremy Buege

(Warning: Contains 110% of recommended daily allowance of sarcasm. Do not use while operating heavy machinery. Fatal if swallowed. Requires Windows 95 and 32 MB RAM. My kid beat up your honor student.)

I felt like writing a letter today. After reading Stephen Gohan's editorial this evening, who wouldn't? However, I have this nagging compulsion to "use my imagination" and be original, and since Mr. Gohan did his best to tempt writers to rebut his points, I shall do the opposite: I shall agree with his views on the evils of Role Playing Games.

The fact is, Mr. Gohan did not nearly go far enough. Granted, realism is evil, teaching children to rid themselves of imagination and to follow an outlined path without veering off course. But what about video games in general? What hobby could possibly be more devoid of life and adventure than sitting on the couch pressing buttons all day? Okay, besides stamp collecting? Frankly, video games have got to go.

While we're at it, let's use our imaginations and expand the horizons. TV in general should be severly censored, though not altogether banned. There are some thought-provoking shows that still air today. MTV and daytime talkshows alone could save the world from the evils of realism, as they leave out a lot of the crucial details and allow the observer to come to many of their own conclusions (ie. "That video sucks hosewater!!"). Professional wrestling would be put on prohbation, and soap operas would be removed. News broadcasts would be taken out and shot.

Books should be the next on the list. I mean, just imagine the audacity of the author to proclaim that the hero of their story is 6'4", 204 pounds, with brown eyes, dark hair, and a scar on his side? The hero I imagined is 5'8", 150 pounds, with green eyes, red hair, and a tattoo of "I Love My Mother" on his rear. Just think how this would seriously revamp the American educational institutions. By doing away with textbooks and promoting individual thought, no one really knows the answer to 2+2, but everyone will major in Philosophy. To quote Dave Barry concerning video games and other media, "I suppose these things will have to be banned too, along with fraternal organizations, music, tropical fish, racquetball, and any activity whatsoever involving Ed McMahon. Also, anybody attempting to operate a beauty pageant should be shot without trial." (Dave Barry's Bad Habits, page 96).

Of course, Mr. Gohan is obviously correct about women stereotypes as well. Actually, it was wrong to call it stereotyping. I suppose the politically correct term would be "imaginative gender classification." It would be extremely tragic for women to be scantily clothed and start beating people up. That's the man's job. And of course, their opinion is obviously less important, even though it is their gender that has become the issue. It would be rather similar to Congress passing a law that all men should be required to wear nightgowns and pantyhose. I would be the first one to object, but then again, I'm not in Congress, am I?

Mr. Gohan is one of the few that has the balls to promote imagination and individual thought while believing that everyone will obviously agree with his "carefully thought out" viewpoints like mindless zombies. I tend to look at it as a walking contradiction. Heck, I know I am. However, I truly wish for Mr. Gohan to set his extreme beliefs aside for a brief moment and allow himself to enjoy realism once in awhile. He might find that it actually helps stimulate his imagination rather than contain it.

Jeremy "The Chicken" Buege
chocobochicken@email.com

Original Editorial: Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development