Off Course We Need Good Translations: A Cautionary Fable

by Zach Francks and Lindsay Tarver 

Squaresoft was cought by surprise. Suddenly, out of nowhere, thousands ofoutraged gamers, led by the corageous Andys (K & V), revolted against thefoul translations brought upon them by their favorite game company. "Thistranslation are sick!" they shouted, upon playing FF Tactics. So the mightyAndy V. summoned Clops to destroy them. "..................So, that's howyou'll fool them," one representative said, immediately followed by hispartner, exclaiming "....................so that's how you fooled them." (???) Struck dumb by what to think of this, the mad horde of gamers ran tothe head of Square translations, who shouted "Disobeying me?" "No, I don't!"shouted the masses. Upon reporting back to Andy V, they shouted "I had agood feeling! We were hurt bad, but after using 'Bizarro Enegy' we felt muchbetter! It was hard, and I'd rather have my gums scraped than do thatagain!" "Well son of a submariner!" exclaimed Andy. "Crud, what a mess. Yousound like pages from a self-help book."

Daunted by thier leader's reaction, they reformed their plans. "Perhaps an undergroundstrike," on suggested, "The dwarves live underground, and know a lot aboutweapons. THe dwarves make strong weapons. You might be able to find somegood weapons there!" "What, dig a hole?" another replied. Digging a tunnel,they found the lost programmer's room. "Hey, what happened to you guys?"they said, looking at the starved programmers. "Oh, we were just reading ourporno mag, and looking at naked 12 pixel sprites while using the cockatricesummon spell! And then suddenly, we were all dummied out, along with all thegold needles, maiden's kisses, and antidotes we were guarding." He gesturedto the room, which "smells like chocobo." "You spoony bard!" shouted thegamers, and threw them some utterly useless Dried Meat. "We have enoughCure2 potions, thanks anyways," they said, "but do you have any FenixDowns?"They shrugged and continued tunneling along. The gamers popped through ahole, into a room full of dwarves. "Lali-ho!" a dwarf shouted.

We were luredinto a room by the elder, who then reappeared and said "Elder? Me, naw, Irun a show. Wanna see?" But after we left, we were attacked by Tropicallo.Suddenly, Locke fell out of the top of the screen, and defeated it. "Thanks,Mr. Thief," said one gamer. "Call me a Treasure Hunter or I'll rip yourlungs out!" he shouted at him. Then Siegfired and Ultros walked in.Ziegfried shouted "I am a master swordsman! You'll never have mytintinabar!" Ultros fell into an invisible pocket of lava and shouted "Whaa!Seafood Soup! It'll take me a whole five minutes to get out of here!"Suddenly a mysterious clock appeared in the corner of the screen. Sigfriedsaid, "I better clean the monsters out first," and ran off. Suddenly, thegame froze up for all the gamers, and hideous sound filled the room."BOWWWWWM. BOWWWWWM. tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet!" And a mysterious genericunidentified thief icon (who had previously had no impact on the story) cameup, and said "Clyde...Clyde...don't leave me here...please Clyde." The specter promptly vanished, and they continued, withoutany further plot devlopment. Suddenly, another far underdeveloped characterwalked in and shouted "Mine! Mine! I wish I had a bigger part in this story,but instead, I'll be shallow and pointless and underdeveloped." She thenstole all the gamer's materia and did an unbearably rapid fist motion withan arm brace, and ran off.

In the meantime, they were still in theunderground. So they used the magic rope and returned to Squareheadquarters. And then, the met with Ted Woolsey, the old head oftranslations. "I am actually your cousin's girlfriend's uncle's poolcleaner! I'm sorry, but I was being controlled by Zemus!" He then gives theman Air Bow. When they asked what it did, he said "Curve in arrows createvacuum to cause extra damage. Both hands. Uses wind elemental arrows. Windelemental damage." He looked as confused as they did. Then Zemus relievedhimslef in a soliloquy. And then laughs... "Mwahahaha, Bwahahaha, Fuwahahaha!I was frozen in time, but now, I finally feel like my time is about to begin!Sephiroth! Now it is your time to sleep between the ages!" And then he died,and a large mass of gamers went home disappointed.

(Overly elaborated and hyped-up FMV sequence which proves the world is flatby showing a city overlooking an event which takes place on the other sideof the planet.)

500 YEARS LATER...

Nothing has changed. Square still puts fancy FMV's over the quality of thestory, and spends more on advertising with Pepsi than on actual gametranslation. For no reason, a large cat runs toward an abandoned city withhis cubs. And children laugh. A huge logo flashes on the screen and fades tostarfield while a 16-bit midi plays.

MORAL OF THE STORY: TRANSLATE GAMES GOOD!!! WANT GOOD TRANSLATIONS!!! AYLALIKE GOOD TRANSLATION!! FUNGAA-AAH!