Josh - 11:36 EST

Josh's Theorem on Column Updating: If number of letters < number of letters needed to post column, then the column will not get posted.

Proof: Prove by example. Not enough letters yesterday, therefore the column did not get posted. QED.

Underwear Corollary: If no column goes up, THONG players do not advance.

Lemma: Not having a column is like giving Molly Shannon a speaking role in cinema. Nobody has a reason to laugh.

^^. Anyway, the stuff below is from yesterday.

Having a noon football game is a good thing for me, as far as this column is concerned, since I can knock this out before going out to have an interesting evening. Woo! But that doesn't mean I don't love you guys, it just gives me more time to concentrate on this rather than rushing through it. Hooray!

So I spent a little time with a friend up here who I hadn't really seen in 2 or 3 years, and she worked at Disney World for a bit over the last summer. Now...it's sad how obsessed she is with Disney. I'm sorry, obsessed wasn't the proper word. It just doesn't carry the emphasis needed to explain her prediliction. This was at 1 in the morning, mind you, and we both were awake for some god-awful reason, so I went over to her place to watch a movie. She had just bought The Little Mermaid and was getting ready to watch it anyway. So I, in my infinite stupidity, decided to watch it as well, seeing as the alternative was moving. The movie starts, and she sings along to every song (which isn't too bad, because I...uh...knew most of the words too ;_;), but then also praises Disney and their ingenuity after about, oh, every 5 seconds or so. Needless to say, I was quite irritated by the time I left, and really, really, needed a stiff drink. I was entirely too tired to do so upon my return home (at around 3:30), so I just went to bed, with my mind constantly suffering through the aural blasphemy that was the teeny-bopper version "Kiss the Girl," included on the DVD. Sigh.

My friends are weird.

I apologize profusely for asking you a question last week you'd just answered, my liege! My spot-reading of QnA has been brought to light! That brings me to my question of the day (hopefully repeating what someone has recently asked you): what question are you asked the most as a QnA host? Maybe the always-fresh queries regarding your current backlog? Perhaps the enlightened inquiries about "How do get key to boss dungeon cave chest?"

Vicissitude

Tom Stewart killed me! Tom Stewart killed me!! Tom Stewart killed me!!!

Remember in my last letter the desire I had to finish up Sword of Vermilion? Well, I finally ran into a boss for which the CRAP boss controls got me killed multiple times and my resolve is fading. True, upon death I just lose half my money. But given that gaining a bunch of levels isn't practicable when the flaw is in the controls just makes me mad. Follow my anger logic here: the boss throws fireballs high and low. That's all it does. Getting close is a PAIN IN THE ASS however, given that every fireball knocks me back and seems to hit me twice for about 80 damage - when I have maybe 540 HP. Also, swinging the sword is supposed to cancel out the fireballs, but getting the timing right is horrifically hard and when I do so another fireball just comes out immediately afterward to nail me. Oh, did I mention that for some reason I get hit with these damn high fireballs EVEN WHEN I DUCK? And that I cannot jump at all, and have no ranged attack? I should have. Ugh.

Before starting up the frustrating Sword of Vermilion, and after finishing Light Crusader, I spent most of a day remembering exactly why I adore the Genesis so much with some classic action games. Vectorman and Vectorman 2 are sadly forgotten now, and their graphics are astounding for the Genesis. Very playable action. I took Streets of Rage on Hard mode with but one continue this time, and that one continue pissed me off SO MUCH because I could have gotten it without any continues if only Mr. X hadn't gotten lucky and connected a gun barrel butting attack! Then I played Streets of Rage 3 and conquered it without using any continues - awesome! I played the Hyperstone Heist again, and even though it's just a rehash of TMNT IV I enjoy it quite a bit. (Yes I have both, but thanks to the chore of unplugging my Genesis/Sega CD combo I won't plug the SNES in for a bit). Plus Shinobi 3 worked like a dream this time around and reminded me of just how great that game is, although Revenge of Shinobi I have to play again soon also.

Actually I have a Shinobi 3 question for you. Somewhere I saw some people debating the merits of the final boss music versus another boss track, so I'm gonna have you compare the two and tell me which is most suited for a final boss battle. http://gh.ffshrine.org/soundtracks/884/21

This is played during one boss fight - against one ugly mutated thing that is a pain to fight because of the ground sinking under your feet.

http://gh.ffshrine.org/soundtracks/884/25

And this is the final boss music (it should be noted that the final boss is no pushover, he's got a good half-dozen moves and one of them is impossible to avoid). So what say you?

While I'm talking about older games (which are something of a specialty for me as people may have noticed), I'll just reminesce a bit about Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!. Sadly I have not played Super Punch-Out! thanks to eBay bidders constantly jumping in at the last second, but this will change. The original was a lot of fun though, even if I couldn't take Super Macho Man, let alone Mike Tyson himself (back before he was an ear-nibbler). Haven't played it in a good 12 years or so, maybe I could drop him now.

And now I ask for every experience with Sega systems you have under your belt, Ouro-dono. This will help me better tailor Sega-centered questions to you in future, as well as just being interesting to read. In the interest of quid pro quo, I'll give a little something after your reflections.

Since I outlined my paltry Sony experiences to Matt recently, I'm not gonna reiterate. Instead I'll mention my Gamecube experience, which is all centered on a really cool guy on my dorm floor who had a Gamecube and would let me come in to bum time on Skies of Arcadia Legends. Enough time that I actually finished it, woo! Having played the original on Dreamcast extensively I came to enjoy it immensely. He also had Mario Kart, which was a lot of fun to play. Hm, I can't think of any other GC experience... I might've played Soul Calibur 2 on it, or maybe that was a Best Buy display. Truly, nothing else is coming to mind.

Lunar: Magical School. What can you tell me about it?

Poking around on GameFAQs I see that today's character contest is between Sora and Tingle. Comments? And doesn't Tingle have his very own DS game out in Japan now?

Y'know, since the GBA is likely to remain my sole current console for the near future (and that's a tenuous definition of 'current') I'll likely want to expand its library. Which can be done quite cheaply. With that in mind, I'll appreciate information you can probably grant upon such titles as: Sword of Mana. After I heard middling things I put it on the back burner. Lufia GBA. Matt comes out very strongly against it - what do YOU have to say?

DemiKids, after a bit more research from me, turns out to be a cross between Shin Megami Tensei (which it was released under in Japan) and Pokemon. What does it look like to you?

That Diablo-like Return of the King game. I got bored within a few hours of playing The Two Towers on GBA, do you have any expertise here?

Um - a Hamtaro game counts as an RPG? Hell, I don't know!

Metabots/Robopon/Dokapon/ any other game in this genre I'm forgetting. How many of these bloody monster-collecting titles do we need?

Sigma Star Saga. I kinda liked the concept of a side-scrolling shooter meshed with an RPG but apparently the execution left something to be desired. Corroboration, please.

I know nothing about these Summon Night titles. Please inform.

In a gear shift, I'm going to give you a Panzer Dragoon Saga piece of music to listen to. Enjoy! http://gh.ffshrine.org/soundtracks/570/30 This piece is played during several boss fights against recently awakened weapons with the purpose of protecting a certain location.

As you have presumably played Lunar 2, I'm just going to hope you agree with me that the trend of having your characters fight solo against Althena's Four Heroes stopped after Jean and Lunn. Imagine having Lemina go at it solo against Borgan - ouch.

And because I know we all need another sample of truly terrible voice acting, the aforementioned Castle Shikigami 2 gets another shot at infamy: http://www.audioatrocities.com/games/castleshikigami2/clip2a.mp3 Beautiful, isn't it?

Shine shine, shine your love! Shine shine shine shine shine your love, shine your love on me! You gotta shine shine shine shine shine your love, shine your love on me!
JuMeSyn

Dear Ouro, Having just finished Xenosaga III, what are your thoughts about it ties to Xenogears? Would you liked to have seen more? How about a Xenogears remake? - Macstorm

Dear Ouro, what is the origin of your name?

How do you type with boxing gloves on?

How do you get friendship stuck in your eye when you're wearing glasses?

Or you could always answer my phantasy star trilogy question which nobody has ever answered.

Minor Xenosaga III spoilers ahead!!!

------------------------------------

Having just finished Xenosaga, I was pleased with the way the plot came together within the trilogy. Nearly all mysteries introduced in the previous installments were satisfactorally explained, and some long overlooked characters were finally given much-needed development.

That being said, there is one thing that bothers me. I was disappointed with the general lack of tie-in to the Xenogears story. I had several running theories about who would turn out to be what in the end, and the writers just kind of left us hanging. I thought for sure that there would be some connection between Jin and Citan, who share a last name as well as a startling resemblance... possibly even that Jin would somehow become immortal and turn out to BE Citan thousands of years in the future. Is Nephilim supposed to be Elly? Is Abel Fei? Other than the Zohar and the Anima relics, there is no real plot connection, only what could be at best called homage.

My point is that I feel a bit used. I feel that Namco named the series Xenosaga and initially promised a six-part series, leaking rumors about part five being a Xenogears remake, in order to mislead us into buying what we thought would be a prequel. They did this to separate their game from the host of other RPGs on the shelves. "Xeno"whatever would sell better than a more generic title. I have to speculate that there never was any intention of making episodes 4-6, tying the plot to Xenogears, or anything else in the way of fanservice. It was all a ploy.

Do you suppose they would be so diabolical, or am I just overreacting?

-Tommy Moo

I have been playing wizardry v heart of malestrom for some time now and for some reason the orb of llygalm(or something like that) was taken away from me and the 3rd level any ideas how to get it back or do i need to restart but i would hate to do that please someone help me

Luca Blight takes a moment to heal.
Bainick moves to Tile 13.
Leaper moves to Tile 19.
BLG moves to Tile 13.
Slimey moves to Tile 21.
Bucket moves to Tile 18.
Draconn moves to Tile 24.
Alan Tse moves to Tile 7.
Slashlen falls to Tile 27.
JuMeSyn moves to Tile 10.
PureLunatic moves to Tile 27.
Arpijy moves to Tile 22.
Vicissitude moves to Tile 18.
Aurelius moves to Tile 25.
Aylee moves to Tile 14.
Tabor moves to Tile 24.
Sundoulos moves to Tile 10.

Sorry about the THONG thing, but I just decided to post this column at the last minute (and I luckily got another letter to make my quota), and I didn't even think of any trivia. I'll just do all 6 tomorrow, then. ^^;

I'll see all of you tomorrow, and bring me something good to discuss! I'm going to need it after my exam...

***Josh probably should have studied more.