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  Ask Thor  

   YARR!  
Thor - May 20, 2001 - the End of Time

Heya. I'm Thor Antrim, former loveable Q&A Dude. Every single damn one of you are no doubt wondering where I've been all this time. Wish I could tell you, but you'll just have to wait for the full story on Thor's Homepage of Recalcitrancy. (Don't be shy, it's not shameless self-prostitution if it's the only a way we can keep in touch, right? Good, now say it till you believe it.)

Groovy. How about I read some of these letter thingies?

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Anime Thor Hacks (New design = no room for AnimeThor.)

RPGamer

Have you ever played DDR? If so, what's your favorite song?

Thor:
Dance Dance Revolution was the hardest RPG I've ever played. I couldn't figure out how to gain experience or cast spells or anything. However, I can tell you my favorite song: Call of Cthulhu, by Metallica.

What?

 
WrestlinGamer

Hello Thor,

Well Google hinted (STRONGLY) that I should ask you this question. Have there ever/will there ever be a wrestling RPG? If so what do you think it would be like?

Thanks,

- Malzra

Thor:
Heck, good ol' WWF Warzone let you make a character, assign five stats, even fight random battles for experience! But that was a wrestling game; there'll probably never be a traditional RPG here in America. (Japan, who knows? They everything from soccer RPGs to Segagaga, a quest to save Sega from finanial ruin.) Then again, if SquareSoft made a wrestling game, anything's possible.

[Too Much Information: I considered writing a wrestling add-on for Big Eyes Small Mouth, a pen and paper Anime RPG. That fell through when I was distracted by a shiny dime. I did go through the trouble of making a Jedi class, though. You got Mind Control, Telekinesis, Energy Sword and the defect Annoying Whiny Sister-Kisser. If you think that sounds geeky, wait until you hear about the custom Jar Jar Binks I made for target practice.]

 
Some of The Best Games Ever Made (argue with me, it's fun!)

Hey, Thorometer. Heard you might be throwing in a guest column during RPGamers few weeks of hell coming right around the corner. Best of luck to ya, a little Thorsday Madness back in the RPGuru slot would be pretty insane!

Moreover: After years of begging, pleading, and bribing, I was finally able to purchace FF6, Xenogears, and both Suikodens from a local rental store. Are there any other rare but good RPGs I should be on the lookout for?

Thor:
Aw, hell yeah. This is the kind of question I live for. Final Fantasy 2. Shadowrun (for Genesis!). Zelda 3. Phantasy Star 4 is rare because it cost, like, $90 when it was released, and Secret of Mana is the most fun you'll ever have with an RPG, provided you have at least one buddy and a sense of humor. You'll need one when you save Santa Claus. <grins>

Is Snood the work of the Devil? If the Snoods fought the charicters of Slime World, who would win?

-Magna Maduin

Thor:
Uh, heh, I'm going to STRONGLY suggest you pass that one on to Google.

 
When Dungeon Masters go bad

Hey, Oh God of Thunder Who Was Hit On By the Ladies Much During His Reign of Q&A (I remember reading about that scary lady that asked for your tounge measurements.)

1) Did Tidwell ever pay you?

Thor:
Yes, RPGamer has treated me well, which is one of the reasons I agreed to do this column. The other reasons were to plug my homepage and hopefully get back in touch with the tongue lady the fans, of course.

2) What's your worst MMRPG experience?

Well thanks, Oh Thunder God Who Had Way Too Many "Hammer" Jokes Made in His Career.

- Braro Stmor

Thor:
It may not have been massive, but my worst online RPG experience was an AD&D game on IRC. I played an intoxicated and eternally hungry warrior who solved problems with his fists (when he could find them). This didn't mesh well with the DM, who played a Bard in own his campaign. Surprise! All the puzzles were designed to be solved with a lute -- not once with an open can of whupass.

Things went from bad to nightmarish when the DM introduced yet another character of his: A cat warrior, though "sex kitten" is probably a better way to describe her. It would have been bad enough if Miss Kitty fell for the bard (who had a seemingly illegal 26 Charisma) but no, "she" was all over the DM's buddy. Those two guys went above and beyond the call of roleplay duty. I quit before they had a chance to pump out a litter of Half-Cats.

Oh, and the "Hammer" jokes were nothing compared to my nicknames. Someday, in the distant future, my grandkids are going to do a Yahoo.gov search and I'll have to explain why teen males called me "Sexypants."

 
Text based games descriminate against the illiterate

I think you're cool. I wish you still worked at RPGamer.. I'd have to say you and Brad are the all time best.. I miss ya both.. anyway, here my questions (Google and the other weekend person wouldn't answer.. bah!!)

Suikogaiden is a text RPG, something that hasn't really been shown here. Is there any plans for the first, 'Swordsman of Harmonia' or the second 'Battle at Crystal Valley' to come here? I'm a huge fan and wondering.. also, why I can't find any information about it on the net, it did get released, right? If it did get released, and information was released, do you know where I can get some, and if where the game itself? Also, what about Suikoden 3? Any pics or details on that? These are games my dreams are made of.. Thanks for yer time

- Buu
(Thor is the best.. long live Thor!)

Thor:
Woah, slow down there chief. I asked for questions about obscure RPGs, and you can't get much more obscure than the Suikogaiden series. They're text heavy, which explains why there are few fan sites (you can't bravely charge ahead and hope you stumble into the right cave like an RPG).

Sadly, that also explains why Konami has no plans to bring the series stateside. Hell, at this point, we don't even know if Suikoden 3 will to make it here, Suikoden 2 sold so poorly. Snoggsosoth, the Cosmic Vile who helps with this column from time to time urges Suiko-heads to e-mail Konami and remind them we care about the series -- and when an Elder God asks you to do something "pretty please," you say yes!

 
Final Fantasy heroes -- or villains?! (Bum ba DUM!)

Has anyone else realized about how the "decline of society" happened at the same time as the 32-bit RPG? I think the two are connected, and not in some pansy "Squall using a gun blade caused Columbine", but in a more immature manner, one that we don't really notice that much.

Lets start with FF4, the first game with a major story line. Who's the main character? Cecil, of course. Started out as a Dark Knight, turned into a Paladin. Mr. Goody Too-Shoes "I know six white magic spells". Good guy, over all. Heck, he was a GREAT guy. Sure, the Dark Knight thing was probably a rough conversation starter, but as soon as he became a Paladin, you better BET Rosa was bringing him home to her mother.

Now, though, who was your favorite character?

Thor:
Cecil.

If you were a guy, probably Kain.

Thor:
Doh!

Ye olde backstabber, silent man, down right rude dude, and bad arse. The antihero, the negative trait person. But, deep down, didn't you think about how cool it would be to be Cecil? Great with a sword, able to do the most damage, being able to do multiple things, being so damn cocky that you'd jump in the way of a wounded Ninja? So, you might have traits from both. Lets say, Kain's silentness and Cecil's selflessness. Lets move on to FF6. There was no "hero" character that guys could really identify with, other than maybe Leo or Sabin. Or Edgar. But, all of those guys are the "good dudes". Leo dies just to strike down the evil clown, Sabin left his country but felt bad about it. Edgar, well. Edgar played hero AND got laid (the "After five minutes she was telling us the plan" thing.)

But end result, who did we all like? Mr. "..." Shadow. Professional badarse. Once again, we sorta came up with some mixture of the two. Either Leo's sacrificing, Sabin's willing to do the right thing, or Edgar's need to play hero. And Shadow's "Yeah. You want to mess with me?" attitude. Square got wise to us. "Why throw in the good guys? Lets just make the arse hole character the MAIN character."

So, in FF7, who did we have to identify with? Chainsmoking Cid, vampire Vincent, Mr. T, Red 13, and spikey-haired, silent jerk Cloud. If we borrowed one trait from each, we were messed up. All were jerks or sterotypes, or silent, or some other bad trait. We had no good to secretly let us think about.

And in FF8, well. Nothing much changed, except for Squall becoming partly good natured at the end. I ended up identifying more with Seifer's rival complex than I did with Whatever Boy. And in FF9, we got a pervert. He goosed Dagger at one point. That's just sad.

And what do we have now? We've slowly become more apathetic, more worried about how the outside world views the culture. I can almost imagine if the "Games cause violence" thing had happened when FF4 was around, we would have just laughed and ignored them, confident that we were right, and we'd win in the end. The Cecil thing to do. Now we right in your face rebuttals, do parodies, and gripe about them. Or, in some cases, laugh it off but worry about how this would affect us. Something that Squall or Cloud would have done. Now, either this is sorta correct, or I'm way too influenced by video games.

Thor:
Ah, memories. Unbelievably, I haven't been able to play FF VIII, let alone IX. I must admit, my blood ran cold when I heard the lead man is running around goosing people. He bears an uncanny resemblance to David Bowie, he can't keep his hands off ass, and the tip of his sword looks like... gaah, I don't even want to think about it. Whatever happened to the days of heroes like Cecil, or even muties like Chrono?

Nevertheless, I think the only thing we can truly blame Square for is Saga Frontier (kidding!).

 
Look, it's obligatory.

Thor! Huzzah! Leather mugs all around. ;) Anyways, Iíll keep this brief: Stay wonderful. You canít go wrong! Especially with those hands.. ;) Women may swoon at your feet, but I faint away in style at your fingertips. Wait, that sounds bad. Err.. nevermind.

Stay famous, you handsome devil you ;)

- Kristy

Thor:
Did you guys really think I'd go a whole column without at least one?

 
Has it really been that long?

Hey how's it going. Interestingly enough you're doing this two years to the week that you left Q&A. Also, have you gotten in trouble for your norse hammer and it's powers.

Thor:
I hate to disappoint my loyal Thundercats, but your favorite viking has turned pirate. All that raping and pillaging, yarr! The only thing we ever pilliaged was bug-ridden supplies, and I'd never even consider the rest of that nasty business.

Also are you worried that Xenosaga like another promonent prequel and have an obnoxious character nobody likes?

Thor:
Just as long as he doesn't goose anyone.

Also since your among the greatest people on earth, you can borrow my chourus of singing monks who bear my name which are the Gregorian ones.

- Imperial Mog

Thor:
He's right, I had to post this. Because he has the monkeys. And he who controls the monkeys controls RPGamer.

 
There should be a SimTokyo for aspiring Godzilli

Thooooooor!

I don't get it, what is it about you that makes you so cool? Bad-Boy Appeal? The refrence to a Norse god? Raw charisma? Tell me, please!

Oh, Slime-boy, didn't see you there.... Hey.

- Happosai
"I say the old pervert must DIE!"

Thor:
Everything was going fine until he signed off as "The grandfather that nobody wanted". The right fan letter can cause my ego to undergo an Akira-esque transformation, growing spazmatically until it lets off some steam by trashing the nearest Japanese metropolis. The wrong fan letter makes me look like the deranged leader of a midget attack squad.

As for the Norse bit, I've traded in my hammer for an eyepatch. Will the ladies see it as optic disfigurment or as the final piece of their Fabio-esque fantasies? Stay tuned.



Quickies

Did you ever play Daggerfall for the PC? Now that was a kick ass RPG where you could do anything from own a house and boat to kill the king of every major town in a continent.......

No, but I wish I had. It sounds like a "persistant online world", only offline. So instead of having to face the rest of humanity, you'd only talk to NPCs. Can you tell I'm a tad antisocial?

Say three times what a silkworm makes. Say three times what a cow drinks. Thought so.
Traks

Ahhh! (Thor freaks out, knocks Traks to the ground and begins to pummel him within an inch of his life) Woah, sorry. Dude obviously cast a hex on me.

What's up with Sony's evil lawyers?

Tempted by rape and plunder, they were all too happy to fill in for me on the Viking ship... something tells me I'm going to be sued again this week.

[ANY LETTER ABOUT XENOGEARS]

For the love of all that is good and decent, move on. Discuss Xenosaga. Please.

One game that needs to be re-released on the next generation systems... Nobody speaks of it nowadays... The game I speak of.... THE LEGEND OF THOR GETS SOME!
- Beedrill51 "I'm still looking for a faq on The Legend of Thor Gets Some, know where I can find one?....you don't? You spoony bard!"

The FAQ is still somewhere in RPGamer. As for The Legend of Thor Gets Some... RPGmaker was released, what are you guys waiting for?

A Few (Too Many) Words from Thor:

I went to the video store. Honest.

Instead of Meet the Parents (#2967), the clerk gave me Base 2 (#2976). We didn't notice until it was too late. Having nothing else to watch, we were not able to watch anything else.

Base 2 was so utterly devoid of entertainment I would have rather watched a bunch of drunken EverQuest players giggle about Zero Wing. An army movie with no opposing army, the entire film consisted of friendly fire. If it wasn't for the Puppet Masters hiding in the logo, I wouldn't have even mentioned it.

That's right, Puppet Masters hiding in the logo.

Though I doubt anyone else noticed, I think the average man would turn, scream his God's name and run, too afraid to care if the door hit him where his chosen Lord split him. I wasn't filled with an abyssal terror, I was filled with hope.

There were all my old friends. Nazi-Drill-Head-Guy, Leech Chick, and The New Wooden Skull Dude That Nobody Saw Because He's In The Twentyseventh Sequel.

I guess when dyslexic video store clerks hand you horrid army movies, you see Puppet Masters. And in the end, ain't that what life's all about?

If you have to ask you didn't Ask Thor enough

Thor Antrim "Ha! The templete has a space for a "odd quote"! @yahoo.gov
<falls down laughing> there's one for hidden text, too! Merry Christmas, folks.

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