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ASK ANDREW
Snakes On A Plane October 21, 2005

Andrew Long - 05:00 EST

OKAY, WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED TO SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S judgment skills? They've been going downhill steadily since Pulp Fiction, and while I can certainly respect the thought process that goes into selecting a movie to act in strictly based upon its title and the first page of the screenplay, does a movie involving snakes, on a plane, really seem all that likely to be a blockbuster hit?

For my money, yes, and you should all go see this nascent cinematic gem. I don't know what kind of ridiculous assassin needs to use planes and snakes as his weapons, but he's obviously a pretty diabolical one if the combination of the two is any indication, and I can just see the ending with snakes parachuting alongside the fearless hero played by Samuel L.

So if you see only one movie next year, make it Snakes on a Plane, and remember: you can't look at the imdb page without laughing at it, I guarantee you!




L E T T E R S
You people will be the death of me


#7: What GBA RPG involves a man who follows in his father's footsteps by customizing and dueling with automobiles? I think he means Robopon.

To my question answerer; I am very lazy and just got my internet back after losing it on September 10th. Can you tell me all of the RPGs that have come out since then? Also, congrats to Matt for stomping Z-man (finally).

-still pissed about not getting Makai Kingdom poster
Tical


ANDREW


The information you seek is available on index, but in any event, your list goes as follows:
  • 10.18    X-Men Legends 2: Rise of Apocalypse
  • 10.18    Shining Force Neo
  • 10.17    Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance
  • 10.11    Romancing SaGa
  • 10.04    Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow
  • 10.03    Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness
  • 10.03    Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • 09.27    Lunar: Dragon Song
  • 09.27    Lost in Blue
  • 09.20    RPG Maker 3

    In any event, there you are, you lazy slacker.



Mmm.. Inherited topic


In response to the letter about bisexual and homosexual characters in video games: A fairly elaborated and well-written romance was an option in Persona 2:Innocent Sin, between Tatsuya(the main) and Jun(black-haired pretty boy who briefly appears in the opening). It isn't treated in a silly fashion and in many ways is the most reasonable, logical relationship in the game, based on the character development therein.

Not that the game was translated. But I doubt it was for that reason alone, and I care not to list the others. :P

~Aion Dormitoire.


ANDREW

Thanks for sharing, Aion. The only characters I can think of offhand are the group in FFVII and of course, the two french shopkeepers in SH2, and neither of those receive particularly positive characterization (the shopkeepers in particular come off as sex-starved porno fiends, which is after all the whole point; without the porno fiendery you wouldn't have much of a mini-game.)



Grr


Howdy.

In one of your answers, in which you mentioned the oh lovely Final Fantasy Legends, you failed to mention that the series of Legend games are in fact Square's really poor SaGa series branded Final Fantasy to sell.

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
~El Webmonkey.

P.S. A question me thinks. Have you seen Advent Children? If yes, what did you think of it, if no, why the hell not?


ANDREW

Since you've decided to take the mature approach with this (yes, Matt knows it was a SaGa game, that's not exactly a stunning scoop) I shall do likewise and bitch at you for your dirty thievery of movies. What possible incentive do you people give Square Enix to produce further movies of this quality if you're all just going to be cheap little bastards and steal it? How do you live with yourselves? FOR SHAME!

So no, no I haven't. I had hoped that maybe a few of you could hold out too, but apparently forbearance is at a premium these days.



Yaaaay.. The Drinkslinger has returned, and he is... sober? This can't be right


Andrew W.K.,

I'm back from my beach-living quarter life crisis and I've learned some things:

When your roommate and your frisbee are arrested for public intoxication, X-box Discs are not a suitable replacement. Their size makes them hard to throw accurately and the black bottom doesn't help when there're no lights in the hotel parking lot that your house is inexplicably located in the center of.

Hitting a playstation 2 with a makeshift club will prevent it from functioning.

Hitting an X-Box won't affect functionality.

Dropping an X-Box out of a tree will.

Cockroaches cannot live among beer spills and hot dog wrappers in Ocean City, Maryland because the poisonous mold kills them.

Romanian girls will sleep anywhere.

When outnumbered by Russians, Romanians and Nepalese, one can never know enough iterations of one's own language. One guest at the hotel (that I worked at) refused to talk to a foreign girl there because "She don't speak no proper English good enough." Unfortunately, I couldn't help this person, because I couldn't understand such bad grammer and a maintenance guy (whom I could rarely understand because he only mumbles in slang that I don't know) agreed with me that whatever variation of English the guest was speaking was unknown in those parts.

Nintendo seems to have followed up the gameboy advance with the same damn thing...and an extra screen. Was there a high demand for extra screens? That's like marketing two televisions wired to one DVD player to appease the demographic that wants to juxtapose the secret special-thanks section with Vin Diesel admiring his own triceps and Paul Walker's ass. It's the most needless thing since the advent of quadrapalegic-on-quadrapalegic porn. Here's an idea: how about making the next one better than the previous.

Who am I kidding, I'll buy it just so I can play the same damn Castlevania games I bought the Gameboy Advance for.

And finally, the oceans are now too polluted to swim in without getting a two-month long lung infection which cannot be killed by the standard means of flushing one's cappilaries and cadiovascular system with Everclear. I should have tried ether.

Sober and missing irresponsibility,
Drinkslinger


ANDREW

Hmm. This is a troubling missive indeed, Drinkslinger. What fun can a quarter-life crisis possibly be if you spend the whole thing with a deadly lung infection and sans frisbee to properly enjoy it with? Also, I would be most interested to know exactly what circumstances led to your dropping an Xbox out of a tree, because while I'm sure we've all been tempted from time to time to see how massive a crater those giant boxes of plastic death can create, somehow I never could justify the expense. Also, while clubbing PS2s may not be effective, it works like a charm on old NES units. Try it, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

In any event, much love and it is good to see you back and without any lasting effects, beyond the general residue of spending months with people apparently unable to cobble two words together without creating a ghoulish mess. Yes, your indictment of them would have held much more weight if you'd said "grammar". Better luck next time ^_^



Indeedy


In response to that e-mail from Mike about gays in games... two words:

Man Festival.
THIS IS SO TOTALLY MY SIGNATURE.


ANDREW

Thanks for sharing, nameless one. Thanks also for spoiling, regardless of the fact that I really should have played through SH2 by now.





C L O S I N G
IN CONCLUSION:

For tomorrow, let us discuss the beautiful FFIII screens that Square Enix released. I mean... Look at em! They're frigging awesome! How do they know exactly how to keep me coming back for more? It just isn't fair. In any event, I lack recipes, SOCKSes or any other means of spicing up my outros any, so for now, I bid you good night and I go to collapse.

castomel@rpgamer.com
Andrew Long really must get around to doing this homework soon.

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