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Two Neck Braces

Andrew Long - December 26 '03- 1:04 Eastern Standard Time

WELL, THE MYSTERY OF MY ABNORMALLY SMALL pile of letters on Wednesday has been solved: it seems a nasty little Grinch got into our server and stole the part that handles the mail, forcing Google out of commission on Tuesday and me in search of my own personal Cindy Lou Who to save the day a few hours later. Needless to say, that little character is mighty hard to find, so it's more of the same today. Hopefully things are in better order now, but the failure of Dr. Seuss' characters to save my Christmas is a puzzling mystery. I was always brought up by the strange characters in my dreams to believe that they would leap out my ears and save me whenever I was in trouble. I guess the twenty years or so of them opting not to do so should have taught me different, but sometimes i can be pretty dense.

Now, to answer the question I'm sure some guy who's making a really long and disturbing list is dying to ask, I got some socks, a belt, some gloves, and enough clothes to wardrobe a hobo for life for Christmas. This, however, is not taking into account the crown jewel of my loot pile. This gift topped them all, and made me wonder why my parents bothered to get me all those clothes, because now I can lounge in slovenly majesty for days on end, eating from my GIANT CANISTER OF NUTS! That's right, folks, I am the proud owner of some high-class mixed nuts, and i will fight any man or cat who tries to steal them.

So, firm in the knowledge that everyone else got more interesting presents than myself, I demand that nobody brag. It'll probably make me cry, and that's never a pretty sight.




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Tales of Christmas Plottings


Castomel,

With Christmas behind us, we must now look forward to the next important event... Yes, my friend, buying kangaroos and taking over the world with said kangaroos is quite a task. My received gifts include a rocket launcher, Jessica Simpson in a cage, chicken pot pie, lightly toasted of course, and a rabid chimpanzee. I named him Jolly-Jim. Actually, I received a small, cheap, but relatively good surround sound set from Wal-Mart, not 1, but 2 hoodies, "The DaVinci Code" by Dan Brown, CDs for burning, and a awesome ring. Of course, there are more objects, but nothing too extravagant. No doubt in my mind that you will indeed inform us of your Christmas activities, so there is no need for me to ask..methinks. I think this was the only Christmas where I was not disappointed. Of course, my ma forgot to get me a super happy fun ray gun, but I'll forgive her...for now. Speaking of such mayhem, the weatherman, that evil EVIL Satan incarnate, promised snowfall on Christmas Eve. When said day arrived, the skies were clear, sunny, and the most snow was found in the freezer. Later on, said weatherman said there would be little snow overnight, but again..not a drop. I wake up Christmas day to find that the ground is still green and full of life. While pondering such an incident, blizzards were reported in Buffalo and surrounding areas. Not being far from such place, I scramble to find a missile to launch at the nearest news station. In the end, it did not start snowing until 8ish p.m. And now, dear dear partner in crime, I'm off to raid presents that small children received today so that I might be able to build a statue of myself.

The joys of the...hey, who spiked the egg nog?!,

O' Shrouded One

ANDREW
"Close to such place"? Are you from Cheektowaga? Cuz if you are, you're my new hero. If not, well, you can still take over the world with me, but your seat of power will have to be Tonawanda instead. Yes, the weathermen did indeed pull another evil pack of lies out of their collective asses this week as they sought to convince us that we would in fact be blanketed by sweet, sugary snow for Christmas. It started out on the weekend, when projected high temperatures all week were inexplicably joined by non-sequitur Thursday, a day prophesied to bring portentious cold along with miracle snowfall. As the week progressed and this silliness became more obvious for what it was, they even tried to dress Wednesday up as a day of cold and sleet, but no - instead it was a day of lukecold and sun, shattering southern Ontario's presumable hopes and dreams. Christmas, incidentally, wasn't much better; it yielded a whopping flurry, which lasted ten seconds or so.

As for my activities today, well, I got all my real Christmasing out of the way yesterday, so today I slept in until 2:30 and sat around eating and watching TV, while playing the SNES game I bought on eBay. Now that's some real holiday fun!

...Actually I was supposed to go to my aunt's, but my dad didn't wake me up, so no dice.


Fuzzy Zoeller... I mean, Zelda-er


So the majority of my day I spent playing Legend of Zelda on my shiny new cube. Me and my brother played one game, taking turns when we died or got bored. And since I didn't get a memory card, we were forced to play through the entire thing without shutting it off. It took somewhere between 6 and 8 hours. After we defeated Ganon and watched the lousy ending we discovered that we had died 27 times. Shameful. I remember once when I was like 10 I went through the whole game without dying once. Why do I suck at video games now?!?! The nostalgia was great though, and somehow my brother remembered where most of the burnable shrubs and bombable rocks were. Maybe tomorrow we'll tackle Adventure of Link and fail horribly.

Feanor
-----
"I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart." - Milhouse

ANDREW
Hmm, I really need to get around to getting that disc. Time to finally order Nintendo Power like I said I was going to...As to your question of why you suck at videogames now, well I can only imagine it's because you've spent too much time away from the things that are important: playing video games and playing video games. The way I see it, you can sit there and keep dying at game after game of Zelda until your bones smell like Zelda, or you can go outside and find your skill!

At baseball or hockey, that is. Going outside won't help you with Zelda at all.


A quandary wrapped in a dilemma


I lost the booklet that game with the game i would love to know if you have the picture of the worldmap. I need to get to some new towns , i cant fine
Thanz
Sue

ANDREW
Much as I would love to help you, I a) don't have Golden Sun 2, b)can barely follow your line of "reasoning", and c)don't think our FAQs cover that sort of thing. I guess, therefore, that you can either sit there and eat cartridge after cartridge until your tears smell like Golden Sun: Lost Ages, or you can look around your house and FIND THAT BOOK!

So did I almost have you eating GBA titles?


Oooh... shiny!


Casto-Clause,

I am a camper who is undoubtedly happy. I got both Final Fantasy X-2, Mario & Luigi, and .hack//Infestation. My RPG future is looking up. However, there is one problem:

I also got another, non-RPG game. I like rythem/music games, so I was actually happy when I got Karaoke Revolution. What's wrong with this if I wanted the game?

No, it's not that I'm so addicted to KR that I just can't play these RPGs. You see, while I find the game fun, my 40 year old mother finds it 1,000% more fun than I. I have yet to touch my PS2 titles, as she is busy belting her slightly off-key version of "Son of a Preacher Man." Kill me. Kill me now.

She did demand to see the opening movie of FFX2, as she likes "those cool movies" that RPGs open with. Damn Yuna, my respect for you have gone down the Real Emotion drain. However, I haven't gotten past the movie, so who knows?

With this current situation, I have been playing Mario & Luigi. However mush my mom is addicted to KR, I am that in love with M&L. So fun, so full of FURY!!!

- Quistis Chick

P.S. I also got socks, a sweater, the Green album by Weezer (mine was stolen, grr), and some jeans. SCORE!

ANDREW
Ah, that horrible opening video. I can only hope it didn't put your mother off seeing them forever. As for Karaoke Revolution, I am of the opinion that karaoke is the purest form of evil, but that's just me, so I'm glad you're having fun. Just make sure you come around and write news every so often, see?


Well, this isn't the first of these, so I can't say as I didn't expect it, but it still isn't very nice


Does this Kupomogli guy think anyone CARES about his opinion? Even on a "print everything" day, that guy's stuff is still unfit for print. I don't want to read his silly little inane rants that feature his incredibly one-sided bias. Chrono Trigger sucks? Final Fantasy 7 sucks? And he talks about this as if it's common knowledge and accepted fact? Ugh. Not everybody liked those games, but most people did. I hated Skies of Aracadia, most didn't, but I don't run about telling everyone my opinion as though it was front page news, gospel, and golden. He needs to go to Florida and not ever return. And not ever write to this column again. Because nobody cares. He detracts from everything. You need to ban him like Austrailians banning American beef infested with Mad Cow.

That is all.

Seth

ANDREW
I'm well aware of most of what you're saying, and I agree with a lot of it. That's why you don't see very many of his letters anymore. That said, I printed everything I got on Wednesday, no exceptions. Thanks to the mail, what I got was precious little, so even if I had been in a position not to print letters, I would still have included that one. Yes, I know he's pretty idiotic in his rabid anti-everything views, but for whatever the reason, he has them and he likes to share them, even if nobody asks. Just be glad you don't have to hear about it on MSN everytime you log on.

And since I have yet to hear from him since he moved to Florida, I will assume he is currently without computer, so set your mind at ease. The bad mans are gone, and like I said, I usually don't print his letters in view of the fact that they're stubborn, disagreeable, and not very entertaining. And kupo, if you are reading this: sorry dude, I've told you time and again: shorten it up.


YOU 'DREW
QUICKIE I
wabba

Andrew:
wabba? wabba?? Are you trying to tell me something? Because I sure as hell won't go losing weight on the back of an Australian dune buggy.



DA LAST GRUMBLE

So, with any luck, the mailing difficulties are behind us, and we can have a trouble-free weekend. I say "we" because Google still can't get at his mail, so I'm going to cover Saturday so you don't get one of those "no column" dealies. Never fear - Sunday will be Google just like usual, so don't fret and frown. For tomorrow, then, what new games did you get, and which ones are you playing? As always, feel free to diverge from the topic but remember - I shall unleash my mighty fury upon those who seek to stray too far from my topic. And by "mighty fury" I mean "delicious marshmallow balls".

castomel@rpgamer.com
Andrew Long is protectively hugging his giant canister of nuts.

I'LL PROVIDE THE ANSWERS, YOU PROVIDE THE

QUESTIONS


Will nobody look after my big salty nuts?



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