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Thursday Thorsday Sadness
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The good news: After this Friday, I'll no longer be updating really late
at night.
The bad news: After this Friday, I'll no longer be updating -- period.
See Thor Stuff for details. In the meantime, enjoy this rather groovy edition
Thursday Thorsday Madness, sans (what does that even mean?) long letters.
| | | | Dragooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon! |
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O Mighty Lord of Thunder and Lightning (a.k.a. things I'd rather not
type)
Is there a real definition of a Dragoon? I've seen the term used in
everything from Final Fantasy IV (Kain) to Starcraft to Mega Man X4. I
don't really care what dictionary you use, either.
- Scott "Dragonslicer" Lerman |
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Scott! As a licensed Dragonslicer, you should already know this! Sheesh,
what are they teaching in Dragon Battling school these days, anyway?
According to Merriam-Webster (I'd say "EAT IT SHAWNERS, EAT IT!",
but that's getting rather old) dragoon means "a member of a European
military unit formerly composed of heavily armed mounted troops".
I suppose the reason Kain was called a "Dragoon" and
not the correct "Dragon Knight" is simply a poo-poo translation. Well,
that and it sounds pretty cool. Nowadays Dragoons are pretty much Square tradition,
with the exception of Final Fantasy Tactics, when Dragon Knights were once
again mistranslated, this time as "Lancers". Well, at least they got
"Moogle" right.
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| | | "You must defeat Dave with the Can Opener to save your neighborhood!" |
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Hello. Names of many RPG characters are kinda names you'd more than
likely not see in a normal person walking down the street i.e. Aeris,
Vahn, Celes, ect. with the exception of Vincent, Edgar and a few others I
can't recall. Are these names normal in Japan? Why don't they have
characters named "Bob" and "Tom" and "Tina" and "Alice"? Names people can
identify with. Well, because they don't sound nearly as cool. Can you
imagine a hospital infant holder room place filled with young Clouds,
Celes, Terras and the like? Then 80 years later, have a retirement home
full of guys named Barret and Gala and Kefka? |
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Simple: Confusion and suspension of disbelief. Localizers intentionally
use unusual names since good deal of people, myself included, name the
hero after themselves. Now, if your name was "Bob", and there was
a player character down the line also named "Bob", this would lead
to some nasty confusion. It's also a bit distracting to hear someone
yelling your name/someone you know's name in an RPG. To prevent players
from scratching their heads in confusion, and not just due to the usual
lice/dandruf reasons, companies opt to rename commonly named characters,
um, uncommon things. |
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Oh yea, and have you ever
played Dragon Force for the Saturn? Excellent game, |
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No. (Boring answer alert! Doot doot! That's what, six gulps in
the Ask Thor drinking game?) |
| | | I know this guy. |
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Thork, the other white meat:
Today, I send you two images. They should be viewed in this order.
1. SATURNSEAT.JPG: This is the coolest thing I've seen in my life. I mean,
ever. 2. NewSummon.JPG: This is a new summon from Final Fantasy 8. It looks
kind of familiar, but this is the first time that it's ever been seen,
anywhere. I've not seen screenshots on any other site!
If you don't mind the extra 50kb or so, I'll continue sending you retarded
and sometimes cryptic images that make you wish to destroy a small
farmyard animal. Like Bone comics, for instance. Stupid, stupid Kupan
creatures. And anyway, just remember who broke the news on the new summon!
Not RPGamer, not GIA, but Electric Breakfast Online! Which, in case you
were wondering, is not running. That page you see there is, well, fake. :P
As is something else about this email, obviously.
Dig it.
And.. don't kill me.
- Mike Lisman |
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Well I'll be -- an upside to leaving Ask Thor! Just think, if I had stuck
around, I would have been forced to endure this kind of stuff on a regular
basis. |
| | | D2. No, not the movie with Estivez. |
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Okay, I've got a few questions.
Is anyone excited about D2 (not related to E3)? D is an excellent horror
adventure game, it even came out a whole 20 some days before the now
infamous Resident Evil. I hear it's coming out for the Dreamcast. I still
think that D is my all time favorite game, I mean, the storyline was
great, the FMV very gory, the atmosphere very creepy, and (most) of the
puzzles weren't extremely difficult. |
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Well... let's just say I was a lot more excited until I found out it was
yet another "Survivial Horror" game. D rocked; it was perhaps
the best FMV adventure ever. (Which, admittedly, isn't saying much.)
It's too bad Warp decided to turn the series
into a Resident Evil clone. At least it looks like they aren't
using people who turn into Zombies this time. They're using people who
turn into plant monsters. It's kind of original, I guess, in a vaguely
1950s scary movie kinda way... Ahh, who am I kidding? I'm sick of Survivial Horror games with no originality
whatsoever. Can we just get off the whole people turning into things bit?
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What's your thoughts on fanfiction? Do you read it, do you think it's a
complete waste of time, do you write it :) ? |
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I wrote a couple of fanfiction parodies in my day. I don't read the stuff.
It always seemed kind of weird. I don't know what I'd think if someone
took the characters I write about in my short stories and had them
do things I never intended. However, there was a great Final Fantasy Tactics fanfic on
RPGamer a while back. "The Proposition", I think. (For the record,
I only gave that one a read after a co-worker quoted a hilarious paragraph.) |
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Are there any upcoming RPGs that use a day/night cycle? Those'r neat. |
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Shen Mue. And... uh... Shen Mue.
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Mountains 'r nice.
Oh yeah, one last thing, Lost Highway soundtrack ROCKS. Loved Rammstein
even before Du Hast. And you just can't beat Nine Inch Nails ^_^
- Bubbawheat |
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Yeah, but what's with track 02, "Videodrones; Questions"? It doesn't
say NIN wrote the song, like it does with "The Perfect
Drug", it just says plain ol' Trent Reznor. Weird. |
| | | Bernie Stolar: Kindly old man, or bloodthirsty demon? |
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Dear Thwart?
I'd be writing this to Next Generation Online but they ain't
updating they Q&A section; know what I be sayin'? (Just kidding... about
the grammer part) I just got done reading that interview with Bernie
Stolar in the latest issue of NG, and all I can say is that Mr. Stolar
comes off as a untrustworthy rat. He even looked like a con-artist in his
photos. I'm not real good at ellaborating on my own ideas but maybe you,
Thor, could help. I'd like to know what you think of Stollar's comments
or if you haven't read it, what you think of Stolar in general. As for
me, I don't take a word he says seriously. Keep it real, my man. (and
feel free to share my letter with the rest of the world)
- El Nombre |
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I think Stolar's an idiot. Plain and simple. The Dreamcast has everything
going for it -- except him. I don't know about him looking untrustworthy,
though. I mean, it's in his best interest for the Dreamcast to suceed, right?
Of course! Why, you can tell he's hoping for the best just by
looking at him. Now that is a team player. |
| | | ~Where in the world is FFVIII's chocobo breeding system?~ |
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What happened to the monster breeding system that was supposed to be in
FFVIII? I remember reading all about how it would be like the Chocobo
breeding in FFVII, everyone was really pumped about it, and then it just
disappeared. Where did it go?
- BRIAN!!!!!!! |
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I got this letter in March, and finally decided to use it. Go me.
I'm pretty sure the breeding system was linked to the PocketStation, which
Sony recently announced wouldn't make it to the US. Whether Square will
"update" Final Fantasy VIII so we can sadistically force giant birds
of burden to hump remains to be seen.
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| | | Length doesn't matter |
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Do you think Lunar is actually worth it now? They say
it is only 20-30 hours? Hmm..that is pretty short. I
mean they said FFIII was like 60, but i beat it in 40,
so i could beat like Lunar in 10. That sucks I was
looking forward to the game but I am not so sure now.
- Polo |
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Was Chrono Trigger worth it? Was Suikoden worth it?
Was Final Fantasy worth it? Damn straight! As long
as the game's fun, and has high replayability (which
Lunar: SSSC has), the game length doesn't really matter.
I mean, Xenogears was 70 hours, but how many people do
you know who have won it more than once or twice? Sometimes
you can actually get more playtime out of a short
game, 'cos it makes you want to keep coming back.
And don't believe the hype -- companies usually puff up
finishing times, claiming that they expect you to explore
everything and finish all side-quests. I remember back
when Gamefan magazine announced Legacy of Kain would take
over 100 hours to beat. What they forgot to add was,
"this game will take 100 hours to beat only if you leave
it on for four days and then start to play".
I seriously doubt anyone's going to beat Lunar: SSSC in under
20 hours the first time through. So dig in, young gamer! |
| | | The coolest Dante was Clerk's |
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Teresias didn't kill one snake, he speparated them. Then,
seven years later I believe, he found them again and touched them with the
same cane he separated them with years earlier, and was changed back to a
man. It just so happens that I read this exact same myth on this Monday in
school, while reading Dante's Inferno. Which, by the way, supplied names
for Rubicant (Rubicante), Calbrenna (Calcobrenna), Kainazzo (Cagnazzo),
and Milon, who was correctly translated as Scarmiglione in the fully legal
translated version of Final Fantasy IV harddtype (Now for the PC!). They
are all members of a group of demons in hell known as the Malebranche, who
spend their time stabbing sinners who pop up to the surface of the burning
tar pits. They also fart at each other as a salute (no lie, I swear).
And that's all I have to say.
- Arpad Korossy |
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Strangely enough, that's also how RPGamer staff members salute each other. |
| | | Unfit for Print -- no explanation needed. |
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Unfortunately, your little phrase on how 88200hz would never be important
to anyone is very false as well as very naive. I'm sorry, but it's just
not true; to programmers it is very important, as they have to know what
hz a song is when they play it in their game, as well as how much CPU use
and RAM it will take to play it. If they don't take they into mind, the
game will slow down and most probably crash.
- Zack Elle |
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Most of you know I was instructed not to insult my readers when I took the
position as RPGamer Q&A guy. But seeing as how this is my second to last
day here, at least for a good while... what the hell, lets have ourselves a little fun.
If anyone looks at Ask Thor as a way to learn programming, they're an even
bigger idiot than Bernie Stolar. This is not the place to seek information
on the technical aspects of audio. This is a Q&A column which focuses on
RPGs. Sometimes.
Sure, there are a few weridos out there that actually care about this boring
crap, such as Shawners and yourself, but the vast majority of us couldn't
possibly care less. The hilarious thing is the only person who wrote in
to defend such useless information -- you -- seemingly already knew it,
so it's not like it was doing anyone any good. And right now, Zack,
everyone is laughing at you for being the most anal retentive man on earth.
Oh, and your mother dresses you funny. |
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| Hey, I have a novel idea... |
Thor
(Hint, hint.) |
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| Like Old Crap? |
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes) |
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| Bored? Easily amused? Stoned? |
The Hack Archive
(Edit me. It's fun.) |
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| Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time |
"I heard an even weirder rumor that Cloud could go on a three way date with Thor and Michael. Boy, wouldn't that be sexy?"
- Moogle Child
(Oh, baby.) |
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Quickies that satisfy
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"What are those Japanese symbols mean when Citan hits an enemy with
his sword?" Is that just the equivalent of the old Batman thing
"POW!", "ZOP!", "BAM!", or are they makers of the game secretly
insulting us?
- The One Known as Trekie (yes, one K, I like being different)
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Those symbols roughly translate to "Star Trek sucks". Oh, wait, one "K"? Nevermind.
I honestly don't know. Guys?
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Some guy said he beat Final Fantasy(part 1 for the nes) in 8 hours and
says that was his record, well i can break it!! My record(to the minute
the ending was over) is 5 hours 51 minutes. I used a party of 4 Black
Belts/Grand Masters. If anyone cares to beat the record, i Dare you!
- Togepi---A Local rpgamer pokemon board resident.
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Yeah, well my record is 5 hours, 50 minutes! Hah!
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Thor you mysogenist!
I'm a gypsy, how dare you offend me by using the term "jyp" on your
page?!
- Hoenir Aesir (the first Norse Gypsy God)
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Strangely enough, my 'blood sister' is a gypsy. No lie. Really, for once I'm not
being a smartass.
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Your new name is Tweek.
- Chrono
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Better than "Thorgasm", I guess.
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Could I be the only person that
actually noticed that the writer of the editorial blasting
characterization and graphics was actually joking? It seemed pretty
obvious to me, but the current update of five hundred people writing in to
trash him makes me feel like somewhat of a minority here.
- Zach
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I had my doubts too, dude; but it's not really my department.
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Hey! Anyone point out that Shadow Zero is in Final Fantasy Tatics?
Four or five of the prepositions are about you fighting him!
Oh! And he's called 'Phantom Thief Zero'.
This is too similar to SoM's Zero to be called a mere coincidence.
- False Prophet Maduin
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Indeed!
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you gave the first letter in today's
column the subtitle of "Parn!" were you really trying to say "Porn!" and
just made a totally wack typo, or did you mean "Parn!" as a reference to
the hero in Record of Loddoss Wars
- Psycho23
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"Parn" is how pirates say "porn". I thought everyone knew that. Cha.
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Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest
Yesterday someone asked when E3 started, and I replied with what
E3 was. Oopsie. Well, the show is being held May 12-15 at the Los Angeles Convention Center
in -- get this -- Los Angeles, CA.
Okay, the best place to look for Sephiroth pictures is here.
I'm leaving RPGamer, for a while, at least. The story is long, personal, and annoyingly ironic
considering that joke fragment from Monday. (Or was it Tuesday? Eh, no
matter.) Surprisingly enough, it has nothing to do with Tidwell finding out
about the affair I'm having with his wife, which is how I always
imagined I'd end my stay at RPGamer. (Joking, really. Put down the axe,
Mike!)
Due to an illness in the family and an upcoming move, I simply won't have
the time to work on Ask Thor for a good while. Never fear, I'll be back (after the move)
if I can help it, though I won't make any promises, because I really don't want to
"pull a Reid".
This leaves us with but one day to finish up everything we always wanted
to. Sadly, the Thor Hack Archives won't make the cut. I might be able
to scrape enough free time to update the page after this Friday (read: my
departure), so continue to check back and then, no matter how dull my
replacement is.
I'll save my long goodbye for Friday, I guess. I really wish I could have stuck around longer, but the column was going to Hell
anyway (late updates, etc.), and I realized I just couldn't balance everything out. Just to put your fears at rest, unlike, um,
basically every RPGamer Q&A Dude in the past, I'm perfectly happy with this job, and fully intend on returning.
Unless Stolar finds out about today's column and has me killed, of course.
Check back tomorrow. I'll have a parting gift for you, my poppets.
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 Thor "Lord of the Blarg" Antrim
Bummer, eh?
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