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Todays column is rated XXX for highly silly content. Beware!

I have two favors I must ask of you fine readers: I still the URL to a website which archives release dates for video games. Also, someone once sent me a groovy letter which detailed the 'art' of bad translations. (In other words, explained common mistakes translators make, other than just switching L's and R's.) Help? Please?

 
Ohh! It's Woozilla! He so big and green!
what do you think of Woosley, I think he is scum for the simple reason that he abandoned Square when they needed him most,the captain should go down with the ship...... really, did FF7 make ANY sense at all?
Dude, Woolsey was a simple college student with a few years of Japanese under his belt. If Square couldn't track down another college student who knew what is basically the most trendy language, they're so ineffective it's not even funny. I'm tired of hearing people bash Woolsey for leaving Square. Besides, Square left Nintendo in their hour of need -- what goes around comes around.
 
Panzer Dragoooooon Saga
Oh Lord Of Thunder who can smite me with sparky bolts of power,

You wanted to know what people's favorite RPG's are and so I will tell you and you upon hearing it will do something. That something is not within my powers of knowing, but I know you will do something. My favorite RPG is not by Square.. nor is it for PSX or SNES.. it is for the Saturn! That's right my favorite RPG is Panzer Dragoon Saga! Which leads me to a question.. Novel concept eh? A question on a Q & A page... Well any way my question is this: Are there any plans for a sequel to PDS? That game ends off on so much of an 'I want more' note... Hmm.... I think I'll go play it again...

- AGiES *(Brian Easton)* Otaku for life!

Not too good. Thanks to Bernie "SATURN SUX!!" Stolar's decision to axe the Saturn somewhat prematurely, few people got to try the game, so there's not that much of a demand for a sequel. Not only was their little supply (of the game), and thus little demand (for a sequel), I seem to remember reading that the PDS team was seperated and spread across dozens of projects, so even if there was a Dreamcast sequel, it probably wouldn't be handled by the same team.
 
This is why poetry sucks
Dear Thor, defiler of my name,

Greetings to you Thor,
How are you, I do implore?
I ask, but there's more.

I'm am playing this
game that I call F F 3
and I wonder this...

I rescued shadow
After the end of the world
Inside the Thieves cave

I was then amazed
The game was talking as if
Shadow was female

What is up with that?
Is Shadow a boy or girl?
I would like to know.

By the way thor guy
I am not illeterate
just not very well read

As this haiku shows
This hundred foot tall squid god
can read and write fine

- Cthulhu, almighty diety from beyond the stars and writer of Haikus

Depending on whether you save Shadow or not, you either find Relm or Shadow in that cave. I guess they used the same text regardless of who you find, which leads towards some major confusion.

Hey, I've got a crazy idea. Next time Michael tells you to do something -- don't.

 
Well, it's a lot better than "count the blue cars"
Greetings Blarging one.

Not much to say, just I wanted to comment on what extremely boring road trips can do - Using a Car TV and my old NES, I was able to beat FF1 in 8 hours. Not that I'm extremely proud of that, what I'm extremely proud of was managing to kill a Giant with all my party at level 4. Insane? Yes. Even worse? Looking at Texas scenery from the eyes of a 11 year old brat who hates long car trips. (Admitted, 5 years have passed since then, but the record still stands, anyone care to stand up and do it, without an emulator on frameskip = max, or game genie codes?)

- Fox Astron,

Golly geepers! You have a car TV? Man, I don't even have a TV in my room. Oh well, I suppose I'm obligated to say this: write in if you beat his challenge. I'm such a tool.
 
Gee, ya think people who like RPGs would like anime, too?
Attractivepants,

I think I know where the whole thing behind the dubbed/subbed anime debate stems from.

See, the way I figure, most people who are really into anime were brought into by someone else who was into anime. The thing is, a lot of people who were REALLY into it early on were big subtitle freaks, mostly because early dubbing was so bad. However, most people who have become anime fans recently are only big on subtitles because the person they started down the anime path with was big on them as well.

The thing is, a lot of the more recently dubbed stuff is pretty good. I only found this out recently because I, too, had been a subbed-only person until I met this big anime freak at school who actually watched dubbed anime. This was because he got into anime himself, and wasn't dragged into it with the premise of 'dubbing is the work of Satan.'

As for 'Evangelion,' yeah, the first two tapes are pretty... weak on the dubbing. But it does get better. I can't imagine having to read all the subtitles by the end - stuff just happens so fast. But anyhoo, I won't go and spoil Eva for you. Just go see the rest, ya monkey!

- Mongoose

You know, you just might have a point there. First impressions are important, and if your first exposure to dubbed anime included a guy who obviously knew more about the genre than you, and he explaining that dubs "sucks ass", it would kinda turn you off them. Boy, was that some awkward sentence structure or what? If I hadn't just recently brought up Shawners, I'd make a comment about how much that would have annoyed... oopsie. Too late.
 
Nitpicking a three day old question rules!
Tired... of... ignorant... guessess...

The is really on one good reason for not doing it, and that reason is space. On second of of CD quality audio takes up 44,100 bytes on a CD, average song length is 4 minutes, windows calculator tells me that is over 10 Meg, average square game has 50 songs, that's 500 Megs, and you can't loop properly with Red Book Audio. Then don't forget that 15 Minute last boss anthem Nobuo throws in, thats another 40 Meg, that leaves 100 Meg for code, art, movies, sound effects, yada yada yada. Every game that I've seen use CD Audio for their music had about 10 unique songs, none looped right, and the majority were crap. (Tobal was cool though, eat that Chuji!)

Secondly if everyone could just pop the CD in their Discmans and listen away what would happen to the sound track market in Japan? It would cut off Nobuo's secondary income, then he'd starve and not be able to finish the 50 songs for FF9.

With the PSX's synthesizer circutry you can fit a whole song in the 44,100 that used to be a second in another song, that leaves more CD space available for poorly translated text (Which is worse FF7's "Off Course!" or FFT's "I had a good feeling!"), and cheesy looking monsters (the gremlin's near bone village in FF7 looked like the crazy cravings for honeycombs). And anyone who says synthesis is crap go play FFT a little while (but close your eyes to avoid all that bad dialouge) and listen to sysnthesis done justice.

We've had a nekkid FuSoYa, and a talented Shadow Zero, I want to see a drunk Chocobo... ^o^

- Phoenix Kokido

Zzzz... hmm? Oh, are you still here? I mean, yeah, I was listening. Redbook chocobos, or something, right?
 
Hardcore porn!
Yesterday's nudity question made me curious about Seiken Densetsu 2. I have the japanese version........did they take the "porno book" out of the translated version (Secret of Mana)? I think they're somewhere in some castle...(heh, that narrows it down, huh?)

The "porno books" would float around and randomly open to a page with a picture of a nude woman.

- kameman

Yeah, it was renamed "National Scar", and still showed the girl.
 
Nudity in a translated SNES game: Harvest Moon. Go jump in the hot springs if you don't believe me (or does the hat disqualify this?) It also appears that the main character has a smurf-like tail...
What if that's... not... a tail... GAAH!
 
Oh yeah, in Kid Icarus they have a flying blue type of monster that is topless..they even show an uncensored drawing of it in the book. Nudity lurks in the darndest of places.

- Tad Ghostal

In addition to that, they also had a digitized centerfold of the Eggplant Wizard. It was accessed with a code. I won't tell you what the code was, though.
 
Dear Tea-Whore...

("Hey!" "What?" BANG! "Oh!")

Ick, I hate mint chip. On the topic of nakedity on the SNES, in the game Brandish there was a water sprite of some kind. She had a nice close-up of her unclothed top half when she converses with the main character. Nothing much to see, though, as her bountiful blue bosoms were, shall we say, "featureless". Brandish was a pretty cool game, by the by. Well, fairly groovy. Sort of. Maybe. I wouldn't know, because I'm illiterate.

Mmm... mountains of joy...

Love (in an amazingly not-yaoi-at-all way),

- Lee-Ham (and the Masters of the Universe)

Does "featureless" nudity even count? I suppose it does, considering Enemy Zero and all... man, was that a weird design decision.
 
Thor,

So...erm...what was Terra wearing when she was in her Esper form? Or doesn't that count? <g>

- Jedi Terra

Naw, she was just... um... dressed like the pink Power Ranger. Or something.
 
A heroic army of... three take on the forces of evil!
Dear Thorgy,

One problem nobody seems to address is the number of characters you have in your party. Whatever happened to having (at least) four characters to fight with? Playstation RPG's all seem to use only three characters in a party, and it sucks! To make things worse, they not only do they take away an extra fighter, but they try to compensate this loss of versatility by making every character equal in battle (note: in this sentence the word "they" is used primarily to refer to final fantasy 7). Using four or more characters makes battle strategy much more interesting and fun. Final Fantasy 4 used (whoa!) five characters in your party, and was arguably the most fun RPG ever.

- Njord (The norse fertility god)

I agree, the more characters, the more fun and deep battles can be. That's one of the reasons I was so disappointed when I heard FFIV didn't make the Final Fantasy Anthology cut. Five characters and abilities/items which didn't make it to the American version? Coolness.

I suppose it's just the new trend these days, what with Shadow Madness, Final Fantasy VII/I, and the recently released Legend of Legaia. Never fear, though, there's always Lunar: SSSC and, um, Final Fantasy Tactics.

 
The Kris Wolfe files
oops.

I wrote michael an offended letter at an ungodly hour which blathered on and on because I thought it wouldn't get printed. please tell all the people who think I'm evil incarnate that I do not believe all guys are sex-crazed fiends or that all girls should be madonnas. Yes, it was a stereotype. On my college campus I have personally met any number of jerks who think they should be gettin' it on all the time, but I also know plenty of nice guys, including my own boyf (yes, I have one. Surprised? someone as unpleasant as me has a boyfriend!) and they're all perfectly nice guys who, while they'd LIKE to have sex, don't really feel the need to go out looking for it.

I still think the logic that anyone who strives for sex can't be nice is kind of flawed. Look at hippies: they were some of the loosest and most nice people in history! You're only unkind if you try to force yourself on someone, or make them uncomfortable. If a randy guy can find a randy gal, and they want to make the beast with two backs as frequently as humanly possible, I say let 'em enjoy themselves. (Just remember not to sit on their bed should you ever pay 'em a visit.)
However, I was responding to the letter from a specific guy asking if RPGirls were easy. I assume it was an unpleasant stereotype much like my own that he didn't really think about.
He didn't say "RPGirls are easy!", he asked if they were generally, ah, interested in sex or not. There's a big difference between a stereotype and a question.
as to girls wanting to have sex--yes, I know lots of girls who want to have sex. I'm not trying to be a nun here. but the way that guy said things really torked me (much like, no doubt, I offended plenty of your readers today). I really don't think we should have a battle of the sexes here (or more specifically, a battle over having sex) so in conclusion--I didn't mean to offend anyone; I was just annoyed. Everyone gets that way. Lay off, dudes. When I meet someone I take them as who they are, and I'd hate to think anyone thought that I advocate the idea of judging anyone on anything as stupid as their gender.
Of course -- you'd only judge them based on their sex life, never something like gender...
anyway, say I'm sorry for hurting their feelings. (though there's no need to swear? geez... I didn't think it was such a big deal...)

PS>>say I'm sorry for my lengthy letter too. both this one and yesterday's.

PPS>>someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. you know. "god of dog"? uh. never mind. sorry.

- kris wolfe

Hehe, the question that's plagued man for ages: Is there a dog? Wait, there is, nevermind too.
 
sorry, one last thing. I looked over my incoherant rant and the mean, evil part was totally devoted towards that guy looking for sex. also, I never said ALL girls. geez. and also, (though I guess some would have you believe differently,) as I said, most girls (at least all I've ever met) do tend to avoid the kind of guys who act like all they want is sex, which is all I was saying.

why am I defending myself to you? I feel bad that I hurt others. but, you don't even care. this is not exactly a major RPG issue. later.

I don't think you hurt anyone, I just figure they disagreed with you, that's all. You have a good point: If a guy acts like the only thing he's interested in is sex, he won't have a very good chance of getting any. The problem was how you phrased your arguments. While you didn't say all girls, you came pretty close. Check it out:
Girls aren't looking for sex. Girls instinctivly avoid guys looking for sex, unless they're stupid (the girls). Girls can get sex anytime we want because guys are so easy, so we're picky; but we don't really want it that bad anyway.
Basically, what you said there is that all girls avoid guys who are interested in sex, and any girl who doesn't is stupid. Um... yeah. I take it back. You probably offended a few people with that one.

It's always a good idea to take exceptions into account when making an argument. Now, enough of this -- we're all friends, kiss kiss, hug hug, lets move on with our merry selves before someone replies to this letter, because this has been going on for like, four days, and I'm sure most of us are sick of hearing about it. (In other words, direct all future editorialetters to the Editorials section where they belong, heh heh.)

 
The lighter side of... death.
I was reading Friday's column while playing Xenogears. As such, I was just kinda fighting blindly while reading.

...At one juncture, I'd been fighting Armored Wasps (I THINK that was what they were called) for quite a few minutes before finally realizing I was only doing 1 damage with each attack (I was trying to learn Hoken).

...That was a mild irritance...but at least I learned Hoken.

...Much less pleasant was ten minutes or so later when I got into a battle and suddenly realized I had *1 HP*. ...And by the time I reacted, I had already hit Triangle twice.

...A Hobgob killed me.

A zarking HOBGOB.

I had gained a level and learned Hoken.

And a HOBGOB killed me.

(In my best "The Simpsons's Nelson:" voice): Ha ha!
 
Now that's a translation!
you told us to go and play and old favorite RPG, well I chose Dragon Warrior; the game the introduced me to RPGs. I was in a town, and once woman had a rather strange thing to say. Perhaps I mistranslation, it makes so sense. read the attached screenshot (ok, so I used an emulator!!!) it's just not something you'd expect a person to say, especially since it's the only tomato reference in the game. ok then

P.S: Shane Monroe's live Retro Radio kicked ass.

- EdGe X

That was none other than... a prophecy! Yes, that line was written by a psychic translator who forsaw in a vision the magnificence that is... Princess Salad In Tomato Kingdom! PSiTK (See? See?! "Psi"!) is widely known as being the best graphic adventure game for the NES starring talking vegetables! Of course, it's also the only graphic adventure game for the NES starring talking vegitables, but don't let that derail your train of fun.

(Oh yeah, I was supposed to do this on Monday: If anyone has any files/walkthroughs/fan pages/etc. for PSiTK, contact moi.)

 
Hey, I have a novel idea...
ASK Thor
(Hint, hint.)
 
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes)
 
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Edit me. It's fun.)
 
Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time
My opinion of Final Fantasy II changed drastically when, after playing it again for the prescribed ten hours, I noticed that the game was over.
- Roquentin
 
Quickies that satisfy
Actually, the SNES resolution was a fixed 256x224, and virtually every game made for it was at that res. However, it was possible to switch to a simulated 512x448 resolution that would be scaled down to 256x224 before being displayed.
- Charlie Tangora
Watch out, man! Chances are that Phoenix Kokido will find something wrong with that statment and write a long letter.
I just realized that RPGamer is, in the long run, better than RPG Gamer. I mean, would you rather be a Role-Playing Game Gamer, or a Role-Playing Gamer?
- The Flaming Mog
No, no. Why does everyone assume that "RPGamer" stands for Role-Playing Gamer? It stands for Repulsive Pig-Goblin Amers. You know how during the war, when they want to fire repulsive Pig-Goblins, they need someone to aim the repulsive Pig-Goblin cannons? That's a Repulsive Pig-Goblin Amer, or RPGamer for short.
Whoah! Keep that dancing icon on Thor Stuff! I'm gonna stay watchin' ya shake your booty till my eyes glaze over! *smooch!* ^0^ *smooch!*
-Teresa "Geez, if I keep this up, I'm gonna turn into the next Shinyhat!" Gonzalez
Heh heh, yeah. Only Shinyhat doesn't smooch me every letter. He just tries to cop a feel.
There's a nice ol' lil' thing called the OHRRPGCE Engine. It allows you to make your own RPGs. Here's the nice parts: 1. It's easy to use. 2. It's free. 3. You heard it from me. If you wanted to, you could make an RPG staring Thor Antrim, Loreai, and Shadow Zero and have it chock full of Prozac cookies. You can always check out our page (we've got a selection to view from) or the makers page. Man. That was shameless. :D
I can not believe that you posted an incomplete FAQ! In the Legend of Thor Gets Some, both FAQs forgot about the secret area where Thor stimbles into a back alley and finds Tifa from FFVII. There, Tifa takes Thor to a backroom and removes her top. How can you post something that leaves a critical secret like this out!
- Adoy
And... that's it? She just pulls off her shirt and the scene ends? Jyp! I want my money back!
 
Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest

A few of you wondered just what the hell I was talking about with yesterdays "leaving/back" switch. (Though most of you have no idea what the Hades I'm talking about, 'cos I updated so rootin' tootin' late.) Anyway, I usually just grab jokes at random (I think I do my best, if not most entertaining stuff when I ad lib). I was going to do a big parody type joke, which I might still do, but dumped it halfway through because it was a Monday and I never trust my sense of humor on a Monday. What you saw was a fragment of the joke, which I thought I fixed but didn't. Go me!

At least I know one thing: Shawners really does love me! He told me so just last night. Okay, not really.


Hey, Shot2Hell? You still out there?
Am I the only one who isn't excited about E3? No matter how hard I try, I just can't get psyched about it. I'm not even going this year. Maybe I've been disillusioned somehow. Poo.
Dan GC was tired of me not printing his letters. He sent me a long letter filled with many different poems. He specificly instructed me to print the whole letter, and not just a section of it. Later, he instructed me to do so, again. Dan made it clear he wanted nothing more than for me to print the letter in its entirety. So, naturally, I've decided to print just one of the poems. enjoy!

Ohh, you like?! Thor "God of Dog" Antrim
Yoda! Yoda! Big and scary and Yoda! Creeping from the toilet, he's Yoda! Fear! Fear! Fear! Fear! Fear!

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