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Beware the Big Bad Buff, uh, Column
 
 
First coherent update: 4:15pm, -08:00 GMT.

A few readers wrote in to ask if anyone is really making a "The Legend of Thor Gets Some" RPG. Well, I have no idea, but a guy can wish, can't he?

Anyway -- get ready for a strangely vague Ask Thor. Hopefully, things will be a bit more... definitive tomorrow.

 
That is just like, cha, so 1989
Hello, Mr. Thunderpants,

I've played enough RPGs to not be a newbie, but I'm by no means a veteran. And I was pondering a question, and couldn't answer it. But you, in your infinite wisdom, will surely provide a multitude of answers. Thus I await a response...

Can you name a few, or at least one, RPG where you do NOT end up saving the world from utter destruction? I thought about all the RPGs I've played, and could not come up with such a game.

- Chief Ug

Well, um. Ultima 4. And... uh. Live-A-Live. SaGa Frontier. Harvest Moon. Legend of the River King... The Legend of Zelda? It's really hard to track one down. Like, I'm pretty sure (GENESIS!) Shadowrun didn't end with you saving the world, but I vaguely remember the main enemy having some sinister plot, which went far beyond the introductory quest for revenge, so I'm honestly not sure. Oh! I know. Final Fantasy VII. But then again, that's debatable.
 
Terranigma sounds vaguely racist. Ban it!
Tenchi Souzou is also known as 'Terranigma'. It's the sequel to The Illusion of Gaia. The gameplay is very similar, and the storyline and graphics are spectacular. An interesting bit of trivia about it is the fact that this is one of the first games that Enix released after closing thier doors to the U.S. and, almost snubbing thier noses at the U.S., they released it not only in Japan, but they actually released it in South America and England! In fact, the first 'Fully legal copy' (read: ROM) I found of it was in Spanish! However, someone was kind enough to dump the English version, so it CAN be found floating around on the internet. If you happen to find a copy, I can't suggest it more, espessially if you liked Soul Blazer and The Illusion of Gaia.

23-Skidoo!

- S. Pustinger

Thanks for the info. Lets see, now I have to say something amusing to prove that I can do this job better than a trained ape. (Or Michael, whichever.) Let's see... nope, nothin'.
 
Buggery: It's not just for Sodomites anymore!
"What's the deal with Shinyhat? I've printed like 62,000 of his letters. Somehow, that inventive little bugger always finds a way to make me laugh. It's almost disturbing! I'm scared. Hold me."
I hope you know that "bugger" is defined as a sodomite, and I don't mean the Street Fighter Alpha character. So ahhh, I don't think Shinyhat would appreciate you calling him a rapist. Nuff said.

- Valinoru - Defender of Shinyhat

Defender of... man, you've been spending too much time on a.g.f.f.

I have to say, this is one of the goofiest letters I've ever received. If he had simply neglected to look up the word "bugger", I could forgive him. I mean, Cthulhu knows I get things wrong constantly now and then. But how did he make the leap from sodomy to rape? Let us consult the magical tome of Merriam-Webster (EAT IT SHAWNERS, EAT IT!!).

Not only can "bugger" mean "a small or annoying thing" "a worthless person" -- insults I (jokingly) tossed at one of my favorite readers -- but yes, it means a sodomite, or "one who practices sodomy". Digging deeper, pun intended, I came across the definition of sodomy: "copulation with a member of the same sex or with an animal" or "noncoital and especially anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex".

In other words, even if I was accusing Shinyhat of dipping his quill in the forbidden inkwell, I didn't say jack about rape. Besides! It's the 90s. If you're a buggerer, don't feel ashamed. Why, there are plenty of buggering role models to look up to! We have Hugh Grant, Harvy Firestein, and even president Bill Clinton. Be proud.

 
"Don't label me!" - RPG battle system
Hey Thor, whats action battle? Like, syphon filter?

What about Strategy battle? I assume its like Vandal hearts or FF Tactics, right?

So turn-based battle is like Legend of Legaia, then, huh?

Huh. Not a single sentence in this whole letter that wasn't a question...neato.

- Zack S.

The newest RPGamer poll is more than a bit confusing. I had to check with the guys at RPGamer HQ... and they didn't know either. To make matters worse, the fellow who handles the poll was out today. So, why did I bother printing this question at all? Beats me. But it's too late to back down, so lets indulge ourselves with a little speculation:

"Strategy" is Final Fantasy Tactics/Vandal Hearts. "Turn based" is like Final Fantasy 1, or Wild ARMs. Active Time Battle is an RPG that tries to simulate real time. Starting with Final Fantasy 2, which invented the ATB, a good deal of RPGs started trying to shake things up. Which leaves us with "Action". Hrm... well, it could be Legend of Legaia or Xenogears, but those are turn based. It could mean Parasite Eve, but that game was ATB all the way.

Hey, I know, lets push the dramatics! Stay tuned tomorrow for the astonishing conclucsion to "What the hell should I vote for?".

 
And now for something completely different
Wrote letter to Thor,

Monday's column gave me a laugh. I remember Jay Boor's "day movie." That brings tears to my eyes(that Bushido Blade part was classic). Anyhow, I hate to mention a non-Final Fantasy/non-playstation/non-console game here but I think this column needs more variety then the 100+ FF posts a week. Everquest. If you have a modem, time, this game, 3d card, more time, and a credit card(high system requirements) then play this game. This is a Role-Playing-Game. You act. You write the "script" as it were. I hate people complaining about console games being too straight forward. This game isn't. I'd like to say I play console RPG's for the story and the visual representation of a place I'd never see. Its a graphical story book. How I long for the days of Dragon Warrior where all I did was fight monsters for 9 hours straight, level up maybe once, talk to a guard that always says "Welcome to Castle" and sprites getting in the way of my path. *sob* I long for those days. No one complained. It was a happier time. If anyone remembers "Destiny of an Emperor" and why RPGamer does not have it on their list of nes games....it.....makes.......me.......sooooo......mad..........mad....i'm being repressed....

From the simple mind and intellect of,

- Jinjoro aka Who can't wait for Wheel Of Time PC game

Lordy, do I wish I could play EQ. Sadly, the only online game my crapola PC can handle is Legend of the Red Dragon. As for your favorite missing RPG, if RPGamer has nothing to add for a game, we won't create a section for it. Write a walkthrough, take some screenshots -- heck, write a review -- and I'm sure we'd be happy to add it.
 
Women!
So I'm watching The Daily Show right now, and what am I seeing but Jon Stewart introducing "tHERSday -- for the ladies." (OK, it's a repeat.) Hmm... sounds just a tad like Thorsday madness? They're rippin' you off, Thor! Though they made a little improvement -- after all, you never had any male strippers dressed like firemen (well, while they were dressed, anyway)! But still, the pun on Thursday, etc. And you thought of it first! What a ripoff! Just thought I'd let you know...

Hey, I turn 20 tomorrow... Am I too old to play video games now?!

- Mala

Yeah, really. I was stripping while dressed like a fireman long before The Daily Show guys. But if ya thought TDS' dancers were good, you should see the surprise waiting at the end of the column...

As for the age issue, you're not too old to play video games until you start seriously wondering if violent games can lead to violent gamers.

 
Did I do that?
Thortimer,

I was thinking the other day, and I realized that there are only two people I know of who have been home-schooled: youself, and Robbie Richards, who I met at a summer HTML class two years ago. Well, you guys are PROOF that behavioral traits are genetic, cuz, well, he was basically a white Urkel, ate ketchup raw, wore suspenders, tighty-whitey underwear, goggles that make Lucca's specs look like contact lenses, and (get this) a pocket protector. At the time, his favorite show was Power Rangers, but I haven't seen him recently.

You, on the other hand...

Suffice to say that homeschooling doesn't make the man.

- WetPants

Hey, you took that class t -- I mean, man! That kid. Sounds like a real, uh, loser. Hey! Anyone for some Quickies?
 
Wondering what that discolored lump is?
Ask Thor
(Open all letters with "Yo, Thor" or die!)
 
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes)
 
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Edit me. It's fun.)
 
Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time
"Legend of Legaia has an easy to follow storyline. That makes it a revolutionary RPG."
- Wark_Wark
(No explanation needed.)
 
Quickies that cavort under the light of a full moon
::holds Thor:: Aww, shucks. Thankye kindly, ma'am.
'The Mushroom' appears to be a really lame, unimaginative rip on 'The Onion', the one true online newspaper. Excelsior.
- S.Cody
Gotta agree with you there, man. I'm getting a little tired of these Onion ripoffs myself. Especially when, unlike The Onion, the only thing funny is the headlines themselves, while the articles just seem to struggle to count even as filler.
I got these from a program called FF7 3D Viewer that lets you look at the 3D images used in the game. Unfourtantly, you can only see the enemies and the people in your party. Also, they are spilt up into chunks, but it is still worth checking out. You can download it here. Now all your viewers can stay up all night playing with Tifa's torso. ;)
- XD
Hey, what are you implying? You're the one who attached the screenshot, heh heh.
Did Jay really write to you, or was that some dumbass kid pouring salt on old wounds? Waaahhh! I miss Jay!
- band-central.com (yes....that is my nickname...not just a site plug...heh)
So when people want to get your attention they call out, "Hey! Band Central Dot Com!"? And yeah, that was Jay. Or at least, someone with a really good e-mail spoofing program.
Yo Thor,

I taught my parrot to say blarg.
- Anubis

I have no response to this, I just thought it was funny.
"Gala reached out strongly for the Genesis Tree. He felt pure joy in the palm of his hand"

Is it just me, or does it sound like Danielle Steele wrote this passage?

- TRSZ

Yeah, sounds just like something out of "Bittersweet", Danielle Steele's newest... I mean, hell if I know! I don't read that femmy crap.
 
Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest

Shadow Zero returns! Yes, everyone's favorite dancing Ninja is back. And thanks to KaJerm, he's really showing off those moves Disco Inferno taught him. The Daily Show guys have nothing on this frisky little dealer of death!
No time to talk, I'll just upload and run. Hopefully, this sucker'll be updated before 6pm ET.
Man, this is a pain -- in my quest to update earlier today (around 3:30pm, ET), I printed the wrong question. Instead of answering the new question, or digging through my 9000+ letter archive, I just decided to remove the sucker, hence the unusually low amount of letters today. So todays lession is that sacrificing quality to meet a deadline is never a good... hey wait a minute, why do all my columns end up promoting Working Designs in one way or the other? It's a conspiracy, I tell ya. Call in the feds.

Ohh, you like?! Robbie "Did I do that?" Richards
Damn this column sucked

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