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Grumble.
 
 
There are several problems that came with shifting from my former sexy lil' nocturnal lifestyle. The most obvious is I update six hours later than I used to. Okay, we can deal with that. It's still hours earlier than most columnists update. But then there's the problem that, since I'm awake (i.e. available) during the daytime, people can whisk me away at the drop of a hat and force me to perform vile acts called "errand running". Today, for instance, I couldn't get started on the column until 3:00pm. And just my luck, if today didn't bring in 175+ letters for me to read. A record high. God hates me.

This left me with two choices. The first, rush the damn thing. The second, update really late. Both looked about as inviting as a glass of milk with a black hair floating in it, so I sat down and pondered some more... and it came to me: Do a short column. The quality's good, you'll update by 6pm, and hell, the original Q&AK's were around two sentences long.

Then I realized I really hate short columns.

So I just tossed all plans aside, and, well, lets say I dove head first in the shallow end of the pool. Time will only tell I escaped unscathed, or if I'm destined to a life of drooling, attending special olympics matches, and actually enjoying Silf and Olly.

 
A tiny dose of reality
Hey Thor

Ever wonder why so many people mail RPGamer and you about how bad video games are instead of going to the official sites and mailing to them what they think is horrible? I mean, if the actual gamers were mailing Square and saying, "In FFVII, this/that was horrible." don't you think they'ld actually listen? If big companies want to sell games, they have to do what the players want right? No game sells if a company does everything the way it wants to for its various reasons without doing anything the gamer would want.

Oh yeah, and that FuSoYa sprite was just wrong.

- PsychoG

People write me because it's fun to complain. Or because if they write to Square, their letter has no chance of being printed publicly. Or, heck, maybe they just write 'cause I'm so darn studly. Whatever the reason, you have a heck of a point. The chances of Square giving two licks of a slug's head what is said here is pretty slim. So the only way to make changes is to let 'em know what you want.

As for FuSoYa... well, he'll be staying over for a few weeks while Shadow Zero gets dancing lessions.

 
Final Fantasy Tactic's Confusing Ending
(If you read this expecting not to have anything spoiled, you're a fool.)
So, in Final Fantasy Tactics, do you happen to know why Delita killed Oveilia in the very end of the game? if so, what's the reason?? No one around me seems to know the answer to that one, and neither do I.

- Clyde

Welcome to another one of RPGamer's favorite games, "Guess What The Hell Happend At The End Of A Recent Square Game!" Todays competitors are Olivia, who, because of FFT's uberconfusing translation, is really pissed at Delita. Look there, she just stabbed ol' Delby in the gut! And over in Team Red is Delita, the master of disaster, yanking the knife from Olivia's hand after being stabbed and returning the favor! Now Delita's taking the microphone from the ref... and he's waxing poetic in the last remaining seconds of his life! Ohh, that's a mistake -- he really should have made nice with Big Daddy G, 'cause he's just won himself a vacation in sunny Hades! Whadda game.

In other words, Olivia got pissed at Delita, and stabbed him. He tried to get the knife from her, and either out of spite or accidently, he stabbed her back.

 
Square Naughtiness
(FF7 spoilers)
This e-mail is a spoiler-free zone even though you may see "FF8" on the next line by peripheral vision.

I just beat FF8 and I'm confused. I can't really ask anyone about it cause I'm the only person I know who beat it and the only person within this area code I think who even has it. The walkthroughs I've seen say something like "now sit back and enjoy the last movie" at the end. If I had to give the FF8 ending a rating on the weirdness scale from 1-10, I'd have to rate it as a conservative 12.8. So instead of being totally rude and blurting out "that dog yapping at Seifer in the demo is the last boss" or some other tripe, I'd like to ask you: What's the weirdest event that's ever occured in a console rpg? The way I see it, my lack of understanding stems from a) my limited comprehension of the storyline or b) the Japanese act as weird as possible to confuse and intrigue Americans long enough to purchase their video games.

If you can come up with something truly bizarre then maybe it's b. Otherwise I guess I'm playing it over when it gets to the states. Thanks....

ps - buy everquest. it's fun.

- jn

Would if I could, dude. But since my computer struggles to run even command.com, I think I'll have to pass...

Anyway, without a doubt, the weirdest moment in any RPG is when Hojo tries to force Aeris to mate with Red XIII. I half expected banjo music to start playing in the background. Truly a Manson family moment. And I don't mean Charlie's.

 
International intrigue
Thor,

Being originally from Italy, I know that most of the commerce industry over in Europe, in this case: France, does not have too many "legal" or "moral" problems asking "China" for "imported games". Off course, we all know that China runs the biggest pirating industry in the known "universe" and it is quite "unlikely" that the import laws of the european countries would do much to stop illegal Chinese imports. Hence, stores all over Europe have Chinese burns of games like "ff8" and the like. (the only thing that is fishy with my theory, IMHO, is that they have the right packaging, or maybe they didn't?)

- Al "I was tought english by my RPGs" the former sidekick

Hahah, I just got that. The excessive quotes. I like.
 
Uh
Why do you have to become diurnal? The pain! I loved it when your updates were at noon, as I could read them as soon as I got back from school. But now, either I have to cycle your column by not reading one every day, or wait until 6:00, when it's pointless. I bet you lost a lot of readers by doing this. When you slept in the day, you had a weird, Keanu Reeves mystique. Now, you're just--- normal. I am a very non-gruntled reader who wishes to be gruntled, whatever that means.

- Legion007

If people liked Ask Thor merely because of my sleeping patterns, or the time I update, then I've been working way too hard on the wrong thing. From now on I'll spend 30 minutes on AT, update at noon, and lie about sleeping during the day. Then I will be as famous as Jay Boor!

Hardly.

Anyone who would stop reading this column because I started updating half a dozen hours later is about as loyal as Bret Hart. Besides, everyone knows you have to post Final Fantasy VII hentai to be as famous as Jay Boor.

 
Poll vaulting. That made no sense, but it's a pun. Kinda.
(FFV, VII spoilers)
People should pay more attention to the poll name. No, don't delete this just keep reading.
Doh! Oh, alright.
I ordinarily would have no problem with people's opinions on the polls. I have noticed that many people (including you) have voted for the death of Aeris in the current poll. You yourself have said that you voted for that because it was a very memorable scene. I am inclined to agree with you. Now for the point. The poll is not the most memorable scene, it is for the favorite scene. By voting for Aeris' (or Galuf's for that matter) it can be interpreted as something bad. It could imply that you felt great joy at the death of Aeris. Great joy at the death of Kefka is fine, he was evil. Maybe its just me, but I was not enjoying watching Aeris die. Was it memorable? Yes, it was a very powerful and moving scene. Was it my favorite scene? No, because I wanted Aeris to live. On the offchance that this gets printed I'm sur it will offend someone. So I want to make it clear that I'm not trying to force my opinion on anyone (at least consciencly). I am merely pointing out that people should read the what they're voting for. Well, that's my rant thanks for listening.

- Evil Sponge

Okay, lets try and follow Evil Sponge's logic.
  1. If you like something, it brings you joy.
  2. If... uh, wait, that doesn't make any sense.
Favorites don't have to make you happy. Otherwise no one would have a favorite Shakespearean tragedy! The moral is sound: Read the poll topic and ponder a few minutes before you vote. But just because Aeris' death is your favorite doesn't mean you enjoyed watching her die. It can just be your most beloved RPG memory. Plain and simple. No strings attached. Kinda like Pinochio.
 
Dual Shock for Dummies
It seems everyone had something to say about the Dual Shock's goofy warning labels. Lets have a lookiesnookums!
 
Thor-matey-boy,

Just a quick point on the Dual Shock controller, I dunno if you've played it (it is an action game after all) but Metal Gear Solid, if used with a Dual Shock actully asks the player to place the controller on their arms a few times.

So maybe Sony has already had a few liable cases concering disgruntled Dual Shock users...

Just thought you'd like to know.

- Schteve

How odd. Now I have to get my hands on a copy of MGS, if not just to see why on Earth they'd instruct you to wear your Dual Shock like an elbow pad. (Heh heh, it's good they wanted you to use it as an elbow pad, and not a cup, 'cause, uhhuhuh, Beavis, you know, uh huhuh.)
 
I had a vcr that the first instruction was "Read instructions in their entirety." And.. here's the kicker.. it had a diagram. There was a little picture of a guy reading the instructions incase people forgot how!

- webrunner

I guess all companies have to dish out insanely obvious product warning labels. Kind of like how there's a label on most Irons which warns, "Burns can occur from touching hot metal parts". Wow. Really?
 
Dear "Thor" (pretend those are wacky Wild Arms quotes)

Well, I got this little story from a mostly reliable source, but even if it is totally apocryphal, it's still severely amusing.

Theoretically, a man was using his lawn mower for a (!) hedge trimmer, having lifted it up off the ground and proceeding to abuse his poor bushes with it, when he dropped the weighty thing and did some pretty messy things to his feet.

So, this Darwin-award candidate then decided to sue the manufacturer of the device for not putting a warning sticker on it saying, to some extent "this is not a hedge-trimmer".

Luckily, the particular judge on the case had a low stupidity-tolerance threshold, and told the guy "There is not enough room on a lawnmower to squeeze on enough warning labels to save an idiot from himself."

Perhaps the Sony attack-lawyers better look this judge up, rather than chopping down another few trees for their instruction booklets.

~The Hunter

For some reason, I just can't imagine Sony's lawyers chopping down trees...
 
Go! Go on, boy! I don't love you anymore! Can't you understand? <choak> can't you just go?
(don't) Mail Thor
(I still have a ton of e-mail left over from today. Don't mail me unless it's necessary. FEAR!)
 
Like Old Crap?
Try the Archives
(Beware the Typoes)
 
Bored? Easily amused? Stoned?
The Hack Archive
Thor Antrim: Anime Style
(Edit me. It's fun.)
 
Quote of the Undetermined Amount of Time
"Never name the hero in Suikoden 'Bater'"
- Michael
(Heh heh, see? RPGamer staff members do have a sense of humor!)
 
Quickies are fun for girls and boys of all ages!
Where do you get them nifty little icons like Shadow Zero and *giggle* nudie FuSoYa? BTW: I always rename him Moses in my games of FF2.
-Cire
Two places. I nabbed Shadow Zero from The Secret of Mana Palace, and I swiped my (fully clothed) FuSoYa from The Role Playing Game Galleria. The 'Palace is the best SoM site on the net, and the Galleria is a great archive of sprites from various RPGs. Couldn't recommend 'em more.
So you want Ramsus as a playable character, huh? The Xenogears secrets FAQ at http://www.gamefaqs.com/ tells us how to get him. It's pretty hard but can be done. Hee hee, not really, but I bet I got you all excited.
- Plasma Snake
Go 'way! You're mean!
What if someone put Teri Hatcher in an RPG? Wouldn't THAT make your day!
- NaturalH
Well, Square? How 'bout it? I think a good title would be "The Legend of Thor Gets Some". But that's just me.
 
Thor Stuff: Egotism at its finest

A few more suggestions about the Xenogears voice clip: CS figured it was "total section go to the gas chamber", and Azusa Kuraino suggested "26 (or 106), you can go to the gas chamber. 26, you can go to the gas chamber."

James Kentner included "blarg" in his Buffy the Vampire Slayer script, which is just about the only thing keeping me from kicking his arse for writing a Buffy the Vampire Slayer script. (Well, that and Sarah Michelle Geller. Yeow.)

Oh, yeah. Uh. The whole "madness" thing. Well... um..

I'm wacky! Huzzah!

...blarg?

Oh, nevermind. I did a Butthead impersonation. That's weird enough for one day.

Yeah, baby! Take it off! Take it ALL OFF! Thor "god of blunder" Antrim
Another good RPG site is http://www.zelda.com/. Okay, not really.

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