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I never was good at fractions

...what is the point of the 1/12 soldiers in Final Fantasy VII??? After 6 months of giving the game back to my friend (I borrowed it for a few months), I still wake up at night, screaming, "What is the point of the 1/12 soldiers!!!!! It makes no sense!!!!" Please, Thor, enlighten me.

--Matt Elder

Thor: No one knows--seriously. I checked every resource I could find, and at most I got a few rumors/unverified guesses. And this was after searching for 40 minutes! The most likely answer is that they're yet another 'useless item'. Tissue, anyone?

Kefka: The Man, the Myth, the Laugh

First of all, he is not an esper. As it had been stated before, Kefka was the *first* person to be infused with magitek (by Cid). However, since this was the first time, something just about always goes wrong. The process caused him to snap. Apparently, this process was perfected because Celes is fine and I've seen no other lunatics running around. But what I don't understand is why Kefka was allowed to keep his position after his mind snapped? Did Gesthal not notice? Or was he such a great, ruthless general that his insanity only made him more effective? (If anyone wants to confirm this story, play up to the point where you invade Vector and head for the Magitek Factory, but instead of sneaking to the right, sneak up the stairs and over to the house in the back left. One of the people there will confirm this story.)

How does Kefka become so powerful in the end? Well remember, he snagged all that Magicite from the Espers in Thalmasa and the Esper Town. He infused himself even more with magitek.

As for Relm, yes, she's more human than anything else possible. We all know who her father is, and her mother seems human as well (though I can't say 100%). The people of Thamalsa are decendants of the old Magitek Knights. They may have some Esper blood in them that allows them to keep their magic. But their magical powers are weak, so they are much more human than Esper.

FF7's bracelet armor probably came from the old Bracer armor (armor worn on the lower arm to be used as a way to deflect blows) but has since switched to 'bracelet' to fit females (don't ask me why, and no, I don't support it either). But for Bracer armor to work, the character either needs to consciously try to deflect the blow or the enemy must hit the bracer. It doesn't help if the character doesn't see it coming, or if the character cannot deflect (Stop, Sleep, etc...) As for something nice, FF7 has a great Main Theme music. ;)

-- Coronor

Thor: Thanks for the input, Coronor. For the record, I was kidding about the "prove Relm is human" bits to make a point: It's quite difficult to get hard facts on some things. Why, I bet that fellow will distrust your theory, 'cause no one actually said Kefka was human--and that's what he wanted.

What I find funny is that nobody (myself included, until today) realized the most obvious clue: Kefka was human because he looked human. Hell, Michigan; all the other Espers were huge, ugly monsters! The exception was Terra, and she was only half Esper. (I'm sure if they had shown FMV of Terra in "morphed" form, she would have looked a bit more scary than a glowbug shaped like a human.)

The magical mystery Zelda

-- Michael Modjeska

Thor: Back when Nintendo did think CDs were a logical choice for the next generation, they got offers from both Sony and Philips to help with the SNES-CD. This, of course, resulted in nothing. But Philips was somehow crafty enough to weasel the rights for Nintendo's characters, even though the SNES-CD was a white elephant. Philips then produced three Zelda games for its high tech paperweight called CD-i:

Link: The Faces of Evil was a sort of ugly 2D sidescroller. Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon was released at the same time, and was basicly the same as Link: The Face of Evil except it had a different story and starred Zelda. Finally, Zelda's Adventure used the classic Zelda top-down view on pre-rendered backgrounds.

Why are these games not considered in any of the lists? Because they're such an embarrassment Nintendo won't even recognize them, and because, from what I hear, they really blow. No offense Philips, but leave Zelda to Miyamoto.

Please bring Beyond the Beyond 2 here? Please?!

-- Compulsive Obsessed Final Fantasy Freak

Thor: Mostly 'cause they usually either 1) Don't work 2) Just end up annoying companies. There are simply too many people who want this or that, get a few hundred signatures and mail it off to Square. I can't speak for the other RPGamer crew--literally, as they're all asleep--but I've been against petitions since I saw all the "Fix Final Fantasy 7" petitions demanding the "original" FF7 ending be included American version. The problem with this dandy petition was, of course, there was no unfinished original ending. Poor Square.

Bio 102: Even greater than Bio 101!

hehe, you may realize it thor, but your little joke proves a valid point against little cyan's hypothesis.

even though i'm pretty sure barret adoped marlene from dyne [He did. -- Thor], skin color isn't determined by one gene alone. for most people, their skin color is determined by at least 3 seperate genes. genes are made of two components called alleles, and in the skin color case, a skin color gene can have a combination of "unpigmented" and "pigment" alleles (not necessarily "white" or"black"). the funny thing is that the skin color depends on how many pigment alleles a person has. since there are two alleles per gene, and 3 genes making up skin color, then there are 6 possible alleles for pigment.

ok, ok, now forget that whole dyne or barret father issue. some people are still wondering how a dark-skinned person can have an offspring with a light-skinned person and the baby being about the same color as the fairer-skinned parent. let's assume barret is oh, a 5 pigmented gene person with the 3 skin color alleles being p=unpigmented P=pigmented, and his genetic makeup of skin color genes is (geneA=pP geneB=PP geneC=PP). and the other parent is fairly light skinned person with only 2 pigmented genes (geneA=pp geneB=pP geneC=pP). the way marlene would be about the same color as the light-skinned parent is if she got an unpigmented geneA allele from barret and her mother, and if she got unpigmented geneB and geneC alleles from her mother. (the alleles received from barret's geneB and geneC would have been pigmented anyway). so little marlene ends up with 2 pigmented alleles, like her mother. but this is only a chance, which is a reason this doesn't happen too often. but other genes like the albino gene can override pigment alleles, and that's why there might be other genes that affect skin color, but so far research says 3 genes determine skin color in most people.

but i admire cyan's valiant attempt at genetics. however, it must be hard with just a high school knowledge of biology. and yes, i like genetics. it can be useful because my little brother plays MGS all the time, and does he get pissed every time i point out the 31 genetic hypothetical flaws in the game. and don't get me started on parasite EVE. i give you credit thor, your doubting of cyan's theory proved to be correct.

(And in a follow-up letter)

it's most likely she would be fairly tan skinned, should those conditions happen at random.

oh, and for that cold....sleep on it. take your hot little hands off the keyboard and sleep. go on, do it. good boy.

-dr. kenji "hunter (of mistakes in games)"

Thor: "Hot little hands"...? Please be a woman. Please, God, let Kenji be a woman.

Nitpicking as a profession

I can't sleep. I have found a very obvious error in FF6! Nooo!

How the hell was Celes, a general, able to go in front of ten million people and sing in an opera? Now, I love FF6, so can you please make up some kind of convincing story so that I may finally rest in peace? Please?

-- MastaZuP

Thor: To paraphrase the great Mystery Science Theater 3000:

~if you're wondering how they eat and breathe~
~and other science facts~
~just repeat to yourself:~
~"It's just a game, I really should relax!"~

And that's all I have to say about that.

Working Designs humor: Good, bad, or just ugly?

-- Brud

***

Let's say we got an RPG of, um, "The X-Files," and our favorite sophomoric- humor-obssessed RPG team got ahold of it, adding in 'outrageous' sex jokes for the Smokin' Man, and turning the Lone Gunmen into a homosexual threesome (Er, okay, so that one's not so big of a stretch...). Lotsa people, especially those X-Philes types, would be incredibly pissed. (Although for an even more terrifying image, think of all the ways they'd screw up a "Neon Genesis Evangelion" RPG...) Sure, a lot of us would laugh our asses off, but it's the _integrity_ of a company that really makes a difference, and WD has about nil when it comes to that.

I'm not dissing on the guys entirely, though. Their actual translation staff is way better than Square's recently, and of course if the choice ever came between "No Game" and "WD Game", we'd all take the latter. But that doesn't stop us from bitching about their shortcomings and proclaiming heatedly that they quit it with the inane jokes that usually aren't even funny to _begin_ with, dammit! I demand reform! Revolution!

Um. And so, Thor, tell us... What's yer favorite RPG of all time? If you say SaGa Frontier, I swear to God I'll send a pack of Dobermans on your ass.

-- Zach, just another psychologically tormented bishonen

Thor: Final Fantasy 3. Has been since '94. For a while, FFT was edging to first place, but the basicly mundane storyline (politics... fun...) kinda ruined it for me. I'm much bigger on Fantasy Monster Go Smash than Quasi-Cathloic Church Evil. Oh, and I've got to add: That line about the Gunmen made me snort Dr. Pepper up my nose. Way to go, Zach.

Anyway, my take on the translation thing is this: I don't mind immature humor (now there's an understatment) as long as there was immature Japanese humor in the original game. Case in point, pretend Working Designs translated...

Game: Final Fantasy 3. Location: Opera house. Celes walks to the center of the stage. The audience falls silent. She closes her eyes, and begins to sing: "Oh my... bunghole! Tee hee!"

Not a pretty sight.

Why Lunar:SSSC isn't "old"

Besides the potential new fans generated by the growing RPG market, there is the "rabid" fan following that will certainly support the game. Back when I was a middle school student with no source of major income, I scrimped and saved $220 for months to buy the system. (Impressed by my apparent desperation, my dad bought me the game÷another $60. And yes, the system was still expensive back then.) That was a large investment for someone that age, one that I still believe to have been worthwhile. When I preordered my copy a few days ago at Electronics Boutique, the price was only $60. Hey, that's rather cheap compared to what most of us had to pay before. Considering I'm now going to be 18 years old in a week, I'm greatly excited about the chance to play the reincarnation of one of the most entertaining games over half of a decade later. Needless to say, I'm a proud fan of the "souped up old game" that can't wait for more.

Now for a quick jaunt over to another debated topic. In the demo movie, isn't the word "Xenogears" actually audibly spoken? I believe it is, but, unfortunately, the computer that had the video on it is suffering from ICSS (Incompetent Customer Service Syndrome), thus I can't verify this. However, surely someone else can. Although it may sound silly, it would be nice if game companies supplied a pronunciation chart with all the biographies.

I apologize for bringing up a topic youâre probably tired of. I wish you better health.

-- Adri (Is this the part I'm supposed to say that I'm a RPGirl?)

Thor: Ahh! Sorry, you surprised me with that one. Actually, you're not supposed to say yer an "RPGirl", it just seems to be a popular trend among the RPG, um, girls. Thanks for helping me end off a couple of debates before monday, and yes, you're right, "Xenogears" was spoken in the demo. That's what I meant when I said "Square wants you to pronounce 'Xenogears' ZEH-no-gears". I probably should have been more clear. Anyone spare a lil' mental Windex? (Oh, and happy birthday. Care to bitch about not being able to get into night clubs with me?)

Name that tune quote

-- David Raine

Thor: Ayup, you're right about the quote. As for the question... damnit, man. You've just created a paradox! Do you have any idea what you've done?! Time and space have folded, mixing like two cheap drinks; the moon as turned red as blood; Square relases a game without one grammical error; and Alex Kimbel is feeling "just fine". Hey, wait a minute. If everything's reversed... then I'm going to be pretty popular with the ladies! Er, be right back, I'll have the T240Guru handle the next question. (Tidwell bought me a replacement droid for emergencies. And if this isn't an emergency, I don't know what is.)

This entity enjoyed Final Fantasy 7.

You know Todd, I am pretty tired of people bashing on Final Fantasy VII for reasons that do not actually surpass their own opinions of the game. Character development, the ending...Jesus, quit your crying. As far as character development goes, Final Fantasy VII was not the story of nine super strong humans out to save the planet from Meteor, it was the story of Cloud overcoming his deep psychological problems with the help of the supporting characters, and defeating Sephiroth once and for all. The ending was brilliant, and more realistic than the ending of Final Fantasy IV, which makes me wonder, every time I look at it, "how the hell did this happen?" I mean, how can we justify having Yang as the king of Fabul just because he helped the heroes out? Final fantasy VII was great. It had plot, a great central character, and a few memorable supporting characters. That's more than we can say for many other games, and even some Final Fantasies.

-- Ken

T240Guru: I am not "Todd". I am T240Guru. Your opinion is most quality. Thank you for the imput for which I have received. Proceeding to next opinion in the "Does Final Fantasy 7 Suck" debate. What is "Suck"?

Human error

So, did you make bonehead screw-ups like that? Or anyone else reading this? I think stories like this are just hilarious.

Fare Thee Well

-- Christian

Thor: Aww, man. Not only did the time/space rip heal itself before I could come across one female fan, but T204Guru sucked. Hell, it wouldn't even know what I was talking about right now. "What is Suck" my fat aunt Edna.

Anyways, thanks for inviting me to make an even bigger dork out of myself, but here goes: When I first got Zelda 2, I just couldn't get the whole "EXP" concept. Seriously, I had no clue. I found it frustrating and stupid. Since I'm narcissistic, and can only understand others by comparing them to myself, I'm going to be this is why most people dislike Zelda 2--they just won't admit it.

But, yeah, we've all made a good deal of mistakes in our day. And if I get any letters from people who say they haven't, I'll send that lousy droid after you. It keeps babbling about "terminating imperfection", and it's just a matter of erasing an "im"...

The great sensitivity debate

Dear God of Thunder,

I was really excited about your Thursday revelation, but the "I'm sick" cop out was depressing. But regardless, if your sick I am impressed that you are still writing daily updates period. But onto the old vs. new character debate I protest the opinions of so called "old school" rpgamers. Besides being a value judgment, just because you played early eighties RPGs doesn't mean that you have a monopoly on what makes a good game. First I disagree that the characters are unoriginal in FF7 (I am one of those FF7 defenders you have been looking for). Granted, materia gives everyone the ability to use magic, but the skill at which the person uses it differs. Also much of the difference in combat comes from limit breaks, Vincent has a very different tactical use than Cloud or Tifa because he goes berserk in his limits. Also, doesn't it make more sense to establish differences between characters in the story sequences-not in battle. Even final fantasy one has sequences which paused for the storyline, the NES equivalent of FMV, it just seems cool to rip on FMVs now, but RPGs are supposed to tell a tale! Also in your Thursday column one person writes that in earlier FFs there was a clear difference between fighters and wizards-so what? Differences are only relative due to the limitations of a menu based system. It's not like any of the fighters use different styles of attack or methods (thrust, stab, slash, etc.) If you want to boil it down characters in earlier FF s were only different because of a special ability, which to me seems more pandering than including some cussing in FF7! I mean come on-if Sephiroth's trying to destroy the world don't a few @#$% seem appropriate? As mature as these older RPG players claim to be you would think they could put up with some adult language.

P.S. I am 17 so I get to vote-and you can be sure it will be against D.J.

-- Saitoh.

***

I see that the character debate (sensative vs. badass) has come up again. Allow me to add my two cents. You can take this for what its worth, but I was actually hoping that Cloud wouldn't recover from his Mako poisoning in FF7. I honestly liked the game more without him. Why? Because his character was inconsistent and poorly developed.

A problem that a lot of the newer RPGs have is the inability to create characters that players can relate to. What I mean by this is that the characters used in RPGs like FF7 never seem human. Take our favorite freudlian friend Cloud: he is claimed to be a "sensative hero," but the range of emotions he displays seemingly ranges from meloncholy to depressed. He never shows any sort of real emotion in situations where a normal human being would be in a rage (death of his girlfriend for example). All of the characters in Final Fantasy VII suffered from this similar fate.

Now, take a look at the other half: Xenogears. In my not-so-humble opinion, Xenogears represents the only true RPG to have well developed characters since the halcyon days of FF6. The hero, Fei, *is* actually a pretty "sensative" character, but the writers don't hold him to a perpetually depressed state because of it. He shows real emotion at the destruction of Lahan, he gets apprehensive about piloting a gear etc. By reacting true to character, he becomes a more real character in the sense of the game. It then becomes easy to connect with his plight in the game and become more deeply involved in the storyline.

So, what we have are two "sensative" heroes who differ wildly in their quality of character. The whole sensative/badass debate is actually looking at the wrong subject. Rather, judging how good a character is should revolve around how well written his reactions are, and how "human" he seems in the game. Xenogears succeeds where FF7 faltered in this catagory.

Any thoughts?

-- Matt "The RPG Jedi"

Thor: Hopefully, that'll end the debate. Either you agree with Matt, or Sai, or... well... neither. Point is, this'll be the last you'll hear of the sensitive/basass debate for some time. For the record, I tend to agree with Matt. Not the part about Cloud being underdeveloped--so much focus was put on Cloud, some think FF7 was a story of Cloud Vs Sephiroth, as opposed to anything else--but that Cloud was just... weirdly developed. Fei does seem less moody, even though I had my worries at first. So far, I'm at "D Block", and he hasn't whined in a while. He's still kind of pacifistic, but I'll let that slide 'cause I haven't seen it since Terra. :D

The Three Weirdarse Coincidentally Tied Together Letters: #1

Dammit Thor! RPGirls DO NOT EXIST! I have never in my whole life seen a RPGirl in the flesh. You post a RPGirl letter every day. None of the other Gurus ever had a RPGirl every day; maybe one a week. It's a conspiracy! You write those letters yourself! RPGuys need RPGirls. Who the hell is gonna go out with a loser RPGamer? Nobody! Except a RPGirl. But they don't exist!! Life is pain.

-- Clouded

Thor: Sorry to, er, disappoint, but those letters are quite real. I receive a good 3-5 letters from role playin' babes--if you'll pardon the term, ladies; I'm Californian--a day. I try and post one every day or two 'cause girls are usually less interested in debating and more interested in asking questions/pointing out interesting facts/etc. (Of the 70+ "D.J." replies I received, as far as I could tell, not one was from a female.) And if you're wondering why I get more "RPGirl mail" than previous Q&A Dudes, this guy has a theory....

The Three Weirdarse Coincidentally Tied Together Letters: #2

It's your name. I mean, when you hear a guy's name is "Thor", you know he's got to have a huge.... er... Bank account.. And we know women love big... bank accounts.

-- Drak

Thor: Are you kidding? I've got like, $20 in my account. I'm poor as dirt, I'm... Wait a second. What's with all those periods?

...Oh! Geez. Uh, lets just move on to a letter written by a 100% real female (Nyah, Clouded!) and pretend we never read Drak's letter. (It's generally not a good idea to raise expectations--thanks a bunch, Drak.)

The Three Weirdarse Coincidentally Tied Together Letters: #3

1. Regarding your answer to my realism/anime question a few days ago (What can I say, new semester at college just started...stupid real life), I agree 100%. When I play something that has even a modicum of fantasy element to it, I'd much prefer to have anime-styled characters. Try as I might, it's almost impossible for me to think of pseudo-realistic characters as being in an RPG, instead of a fighting game or shooter. When I see an anime character, however, I can easily lose myself in the story instead of the technical details...this is naturally helped by the fact I'm a massive anime otaku ^_^.

Having said this: any PSX games you recommend with solid anime styling? I know there are plenty of excellent games with "squareheads" out there, but I'm just so drawn to the good ol' style...

Not quite sure what you mean by "solid", but here are a few games which either have a strong Anime feel or at least some purdy FMV: Suikoden (Classic "Chrono Trigger" looking characters); Wild Arms (Cute opening scene, not much else); Xenogears (Anime FMV throughout and Anime style characters, plot). I'm sure there are more, but that's a pretty wide selection. Your best bet is Xenogears.

So, let me ask you...am I insane, are my friends, or am I simply not quite tuned into the RPGirl mindset like I should be?

Hang on there: An entire group of RPGirls? Mind adding *ahem* one particular guy in the club? *cough*hint*cough*.

Pathetic attempts for female contact aside: I'm undecided, leaning slightly towards prefering magic using females. I really liked how Tifa was the sucessor to Sabin, and I don't think anyone disliked Celes, though. I wouldn't say you're insane, just not tuned into your friend's mindset--big difference than not agreeing with the majority of RPG'in gals.

You know, this is going to make a wicked debate for Monday... :D

Hey, don't bash pops! I'll have you know he gave up an eye for wisdom, and while that may be kind of gross, it's a lot more honorable than making Final Fantasy Tactics "hella easy".

I have, but strangely enough I didn't give up on Wild ARMs. I was determined to finish it in hopes that the game would suddently get fun at the end. It didn't. Godspeed.

-Nšelle

Thor: Fine. I admit it. This entire "The Three Weirdarse Coincidentally Tied Together Letters" gimmick was just an excuse to show proof that a girl would, without use of force, give me a footrub. Albiet a cyber-footrub. Well, that and the fact that she used the word "modicum" without sounding even a bit pretentious--not an easy feat.

Oh, look. I made a pun. Haha. Kill me.

So many Quickies you'll beg me to stop:

Some kind Ask Thor reader sent me an awesome explanation of FF8's battle system... and I lost it. Please resend. (I just had to stick it in a temporary folder... grr.) // Slow Bob wondered: "Does RPGamer keep an online list of the quotes they use each update?" Nope, don't think so. I remember hearing about a groovy fan who made an archive page, though. Anyone got the URL? // An unnamed AOLer wrote: "PUT THIS LETTTER IN!!!" What a great idea! If you scream a demand, Thor is just bound to add your letter! Sadly, my dog ate the rest, so I could only show the initial demand. Oops. // James Cunningham says that the whole "Leo Gay" thing was isolated to insults from Ruby, a "pissed-off smart-mouthed young dragon". That makes a bit more sense than just up and deciding someone's gay. I rather like characters mocking each other. Any thoughts from Lunar fans? // Sorbie said: "I like bananas, because they have no bones." My God, man. That's sick. // Cast defended RPGamer from JJJ, saying: "...not ONCE have I seen any derogatory comments related to anything other than age(posted, incidentally, in the letter in question). I'm pretty sure you and your predecessors have the presence of mind to weed out letters containing this sort of garbage without the help of a self-righteous, whining..." Thanks, Cast. Sorry I didn't have room for your full letter. Too much FF7 debate as it is! // Heh heh, I just remembered: I don't even have a dog. // And finally, practicly everyone wants FF4-6j for PSX to be translated. Well guys, join the club. Square? You out there? If you build it, we will come.

Thor Stuff:

Wow, that was a long one. Don't worry, I'll keep 'em slim from Tuesday to Thursday, but Mondays and Fridays'll usually be as fat and bloated as that cool exploding guy from Big Trouble in Little China. Do you guys prefer longer or shorter Ask Thors? I figure most will be about as long as yesterdays, but todays...

Heck, I actually had to re-edit today's column and remove a couple of letters 'cause I realized no one would read a column that long. (For the record, today would have been the longest RPGuru/Ask Thor/Q&AK/ ever. Consider yourselves lucky.)

I received more letters today than any day before, and I couldn't even think of a good reason for it. There wasn't a particularly large ammount of D.J./FF7 replies today, just a load of editorials concerning everything from... uh... well, two examples I'm too tired to think of right now. But seriously, guys, if you want a better chance of getting your six page essay on why Aerith wore pink, try submitting it to the Editorials section.

Oh, and I'm kind of shocked no one, at least as of yet, has bashed my Red-13 theory I printed yesterday. I guess everyone is so sick of arguing over Final Fantasy 7's ending, y'all just accepted it. Well, either that, or I was right.

...Naw.

Anyway, I'm off for a relaxing weekend of Zelda 64, binging on coffee (now that my cold's over), splurging on long distance calls with a good friend of mine, kickboxing Ninjas and trying desperatly to weasel my way into that all girl RPG clique. Wish me luck!

Thor "I got a footrub, nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah naaayyh nyah" Antrim.
I spent like, five hours on this column, and ya'll will probably like the 01/14 one better.