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Andrew - January '12- 12:00 Central Standard Time

Very few letters about RPGs today. School and work have once again taken over our lives, leaving this column with a bunch of crazy letters. Not that I mind.

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The cosmic butler’s younger brother.

I'm not gonna bore you with the story of how I'm a long-time reader, first-time writer, or how I discovered this site oh so many years ago, or some long-winded tale of why it is that $#@D0\/\/ r0x0rS, etc...

Just wanted to say that one of your nitpicky writers, lambasted a couple other people for using the words "then" and "than" interchangeably. Just wanted to point out that he used the word "linguistical."
Linguistical is one of those words that, um... ain't. Seriously, look it up and find it not there.

Oh, and in response to next week's topic... Edgar had the kEwLeSt TeNt CuZ 3Dg@r RoXoRs.

(Apologies to your eyes for reading that, I just like mocking the dreaded "|_33+-$p33|<3r$.")

Ugh, now I feel dirty.

Cosmic Janitor, Nitpickier Reader

Andrew:
One of the reasons people loved Final Fantasy 6 so much was all the loose ends it never tied up. Why was Siegfried at the Colosseum? Did you miss one of Shadow’s dreams? Who is Relm’s father anyway? What about Banon? And Gogo? What was up with him/her/it?

 
Everyone hates...Rinoa?

Dear Andrew, Let me get some things straight first. I am a guy and I had the nickname Tron WAY before that robot girl. And anyways, the thing about seeing the nude Rinoa chibi, it wouldn't corrupt you memory card as much as your mind. Rinoa is a disgrace to FF women. (Wow, I sound very feministic.) FFVIII is just messed up in general, you got Autism-Boy (Squall) and really stupid ditz who is supposed to be working with a resistance organization, which in reality she does nothing. (Rinoa, ATLEAST TIFA CONTRIBUTED TO AVALANCHE! Her bar not only served as a hideout but as a source of alcoholic beverages.)

Sorry for the rant.

That really sucks about not getting Lunar Legend. Well when you do get it, review on the changes please. The changes aren't bad, just different

Andrew:
And the movie Tron “thought up” the name way before you did! Hooray!

Not to cut into Final Fantasy again, but the majority of women in the series are stereotypical. Actually...so are the men. Not sure if this is a bad thing, to be honest.

 
Another Lemmer original.

Yo, rabid rabbit bunny bastard!

Your avatar deeply disturbs me. It only lends proof to my theory that rabbits are actually alien killing machines awaiting the time when they'll rise up and decimate humanity. I offer, as proof, three of the most famous bunnies:

1.The killer rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Obviously an efficient and scary killing machine. Only heavy explosives are capable of taking it out. Once its evil(er) twin begins interbreeding with the sleeper bunny cells, the only thing that will save us is a rain of grenades.

2.Max the rabbit, who shows the psychopathic instincts residing in all of our furry white friends' subconscious.

3.The Easter Rabbit, who has spent hundreds of years teaching kids to take Easter eggs from him, in preparation of the day that he places killer rabbit embryos inside the eggs. Once the unsuspecting kids swallow the "harmless" Easter eggs, the embryos inside will mature inside their stomachs, eventually bursting out and devouring all nearby Easter chocolate to go on a sugar-fueled rampage. This will pave the way for the main rabbit attack force.

Given the rabbits' absurd rate of reproduction, humanity is surely doomed.

..
You know, I always thought that the whole "Booster's Wedding" part of Super Mario RPG was pretty weird. You chase him up a hill, you barge into the ceremony, and then you have to defeat a carnivorous cake. And to top it all off, Bowser is helping Mario! Talk about your signs of the apocalypse.

Of course, if you really wanted to get weird, I'd try plopping FF characters into whacked-out genres. What if Kefka tried to summon Cthulhu? Or what if the original wasmade into an old gumshoe story? ("What had started out as a simple missing princess had turned into a conspiracy spanning the globe. It had something to do with these orbs. Of course, we'd have to put a little extra on the fee...")

-Mike Lemmer

Andrew:
You do realize that by writing this letter accusing rabbits of being alien creatures out to destroy the human race, we’ll have to, “ahem” get rid of you.

1. I forgot how messed up Super Mario RPG was. The singing frogs...Mallow...Luigi keeping a diary about you...argh argh argh. Nintendo, ruined my brain!

2. That’s actually a pretty good idea for a fan fiction piece.

 
Sega CD. The B-Movie of game systems.

Ho there Q&A guy!

The feature topic is O_o moments in RPGs and no one has even mentioned a Sega CD game yet? Or even a Working Designs game? Or better yet a Working Designs game for the Sega CD, those were the best...

Two words Popful Mail. Let's see, some of the characters dying words; Mail - "Ow, I biffed it." Tato - "Thou hast besquirted me." Gaw - "I'm dead, and hungry, and that's not a very good combination, gaw." And don't forget that green haired kid's best line "With this paperclip, used gum, tin foil, and bat droppings, I've constructed a bomb that will blow this blockage to bits!" Or what about Sven T. Uncommon and "This time you will feel nothing but pain as I pummel you into puddles of pulsating poundage." Or Otto von Whats-His-Face with the really long name. Man that game was fun. I could do a lot from Lunar 1 & 2, and Vay as well, but I think I'll just give the two stupidest monster names ever. Lunar's "Nipple Yanker," and Vay's "Retardotaur," seriously, "Retardotaur"...what the hell were they thinking? Oh and while it's not an RPG, the game "Wild Woody"...don't tell me Sega CD didn't have some messed up stuff.

Maybe I should have a question...So uh, did you think Sephiroth in Kingdom Hearts was as hard as everyone said? I mean, I beat him on level 65, easily too.

Andrew:
I really, really, really, want Popful Mail. Everything I’ve heard about the game sounds cool. Working Designs is known for pushing the limit, because they have grasped the idea that a game can both be epic and funny.

With Sephi’s hardness, I’m going to back out of this one, since “hard” for one person and “painfully” easy for another.

 
But...I need the shinies to buy more swords!

Ever notice how most mainstream RPGs include a main character armed with a sword? You've got basically all the Squaresoft guys, the two Grandia games, the two Lunar games, ect. It's become a necessity to me. A sword is a noble weapon after all. Guns are such cowardly weapons. And who would dare wield a sword in a time period where machine guns are everywhere? That's right, only the bad-ass that you control. Oh yeah. What is your opinion on this?

-Little John

PS: He-Man and Lion-O both had swords. I rest my case.

Andrew:
Well, a sword is a “heroic” weapon. It takes skill, training, and a lot battle time to wield one with any sort of competence Same for most guns, too. There really aren’t any unheroic weapons, unless it’s one of mass destruction, but then again, summoning is pretty heroic...

Lion-O? Oy...



Quickies

The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue him?

-the_Vandal

You’re asking the wrong bad-ass.

That's ok, I don't like one-liners, either.

It’s nice to know someone agre...HEY!

Wow....a reference to "Dead Alive". You rock.

As a fan of comedy horror crap, I’m eagerly awaiting Bubba Ho-Tep to come out on DVD. I got a chance last summer to see it, and meet Bruce Campbell. It was an awesome movie.

Cynical Miser,

I'd like to note that in the field of Santa-Slaying in video games, nothing is more bizarre than fighting 'Olaf' in Advance Wars. Especially when you realize that in the original Japanese version he was decked out in a full Santa outfit, had a special power that summoned snow, and was otherwise completely useless! I think those Japanese people like to mock our St. Nicholas...

Advanced Wars was an awesome game until they decided to replace strategy with “Fog of War” and thus, make players redo the same stage a dozen times just to find out where the enemy is hidden. >_<

These days, people are so worried about nuclear weapons and dictatorships in Iraq and North Korea and whatnot, but what about Greece?

Any nation that bans video games for no real reason seems like a good canidate for the Axis of Evil if you ask me!

-Bovis Volatus

You’ve got to laugh when a government’s attempts to ban gambling result in banning video games too. Why didn’t they just pass laws that forbid people from placing any sort of bet?

The Final Grumble:

Next week we’ll be having a guest host, the winner of the signature picture contest, Teioh Folles (otaku ninja in training) so get all your anime and manga related questions ready for him.

Next week topic is-

For the sake of the topic, lets assume that an RPG is any game that allows your character to become stronger, through the use of exp and number juggling. Now, the Castlevania series, starting with Symphony of the Night, has proved to be hugely popular, a near perfect mix of platforming and RPG. Which takes us to next week’s topic.

What other genres could benefit from such a hybrid game? What games proved to be great, or awful, examples of when developers try to mix genres? I’d love to play more games that let me level up, especially in the shooter and racing genres. How about a puzzle game that let you gain levels, which let you learn new moves, which let you beat puzzles faster, so you could do harder puzzles which...

So let’s hear your thoughts on this subject for next week. Until then, love, luck and lollies pops!

Andrew "Come get some" Duff

Vampire Piggy Hunter. Mmm...haunted bacon.

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